First time sex with new partner? Bringing up condoms?

[Dreamscape1]

Hi all,

I’ve been dating a guy for a few weeks, and we’re about to go on a fourth date tonight. He’s invited me around to his house and he’s going to cook, etc. I have a strong suspicion based on back and forth flirting that things might become physical. I’m on the contraceptive pill, which works really well for me with no side effects etc. However, I obviously want to use condoms as well for added protection from STIs etc.

However, I’m worried about having the condom conversation, mainly because most of the men I’ve ever dated have been very resistant to the idea. I’ve recently come out of a three year relationship with a man who refused to wear condoms. In fact, the only man who ever suggested using a condom was someone who had premature ejaculation and needed one to numb some of the sensation.

Women, how have you brought it up, and drawn that kind of line in the sand? I don’t want to be bullied into not using one, as I was when I was younger, had no boundaries and more vulnerable.

Thank you!

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If you've found this page in search of condoms that have been tried and tested by fellow Mumsnet users, you might find our guide to the best condoms useful. Hope this helps! MNHQ

Sex is an intimate act. If you can’t have a conversation about it then you are not at the right stage of intimacy to enter into the act

Wow. Those judgy pants are up by your chin...

OP has brought up the subject of condoms with other partners before, though - the issue is not with her being too shy to mention it.
The issue is that in the past the man has unexpectedly refused. She's trying to work out the best way of dealing with a potential refusal.

That’s so depressing. I’ve dated some absolute toads in my time (and been careless in my youth about using protection) but the ones who complained about condoms were in the minority. A man who won’t wear one isn’t someone I’d consider shagging - it would be an instant ick from me because it shows that he: doesn’t care about sexual health, probably thinks contraception is all down to women, is more concerned with his own sensation than doing something that will make a woman safer, doesn’t care about preventing pregnancy so probably thinks that’s all on women too. In short, a misogynist.

I’m not blaming you at all, it’s so easy to have your boundaries ground down by male entitlement when you’re younger but once I realised this I would, at the point of sex, either ask them to get a condom or produce one myself. If one wasn’t available or they refused, no sex. I didn’t frame it as optional.

I’m so sorry you’ve gone through this. Unfortunately you are not alone. I can’t believe how pathetic some men are. It will be a real sign for you. I’d just do what the other posters have said and mention you have some if he hasn’t. Enjoy your date (and the food!) however it ends up.

I love your username

This. Definable don't tell him you are on the pill. If he thinks you are not on pill he is more likely to agree to use a condom. Don't allow him sex without one.

She’s clearly going to do it it’s just scary. Lots of things can be hard with a new partner and she’s had some awful experiences. Come on, be supportive. What is it with posters trying to knock a woman when she’s down. :(

Re timing, do it now, via text. That way there's none of the awkward heavy petting/sex pressure on either of you later tonight.

'hey, looking forward to seeing you later on, just to get any awkwardness out of the way if things do progress 😉 I assume you're OK using condoms? I've got some just in case you haven't'.

That way you've got a really easy get out of jail free card and can just ghost him if there is even a sniff of hesitation.

This

I've been married for 29 years so it's a long time since I've had that conversation, but I would be concerned if you're at his house, sex is likely, and he doesn't have condoms.

Ccontraceptives and condoms do not serve the same function. Without condoms it is still unprotected sex and you are at risk for STIs.

Safe sex isn’t just about pregnancy, it is about protecting your health. I would not lie about being on the pill. Wearing a common is not just about doubling up on birth control.

it always surprises me that people are even willing to have unprotected and unsafe sex with new partners. It was just a flat no go, no debate necessary.

Where did you read that in anything the OP wrote?

Don't tell him you're on the Pill. Please tell don't say you've told him already.......

This!!!

Even if he knows you can still refuse to have sex without a condom. If he pushes or anything else like that then it's likely he would do regardless rather than just with this knowledge.

Bring condoms. When the time arrives, if he won’t use a condom, everything stops. There shouldn’t need to be a discussion. You aren’t long term partners in an exclusive relationship. Condoms are a necessity. You shouldn’t trust any man who would proceed without one.

"Even if he knows you can still refuse to have sex without a condom."

Yes, of course. Or with one. But the fact that the OP is asking suggests that she might be persuadable. Him not knowing, one hopes, means that there wouldn't even be a conversation that might lead to her doing something stupid.

Good advice given by others.

what kind of man doesn’t want to wear condoms? Is he type that if you got pregnant he would blame you for trapping him we read about it on here all the time. Surely if he doesn’t want a pregnancy then he will ensure he comes with them himself as he will have control over it rather than rely on you. Obviously they prevent STI but in case he doesn’t care about that surely he’d care about unwanted pregnancy unless on the flip he wants you to get pregnant. Ofc don’t mention the pill. So stick to your guns and any hesitance see it as a red flag. Hopefully he’s a decent guy but if not you’ve had a lucky escape.

Yes but thinking about it in this way might make the conversation easier to have! Not knocking anyone.

Honestly I really wouldn’t want to have sex on the fourth date if I wanted a relationship. It’s so cliche that they ask you over on the fourth date. I always refused home dates until much later. If you’re just looking for casual then crack on of course

@UsethisUsername

Thank you - that’s exactly it. If I hadn’t had such a problem regarding condoms with the majority of the men I’ve ever slept with, I probably wouldn’t even be thinking about this potential issue. It just seems to recur with such regularity (“I don’t like condoms”, “I can’t feel anything”, or just sticking it in anyway) that the whole topic fills me with anxiety.

@toomanyleggings
I thought the fourth date was pretty standard to see how compatible you are on the sexual front. I am looking for a relationship ideally, but if things don’t work out with this man, I’m happy to move on and cast my net out again 😂

Just tell him and if he refuses, give a hollow laugh and say "Ok, no sex then, and to be honest, probably you've just put me off having an ongoing relationship with you".

@TedMullins
You’re very right. My boundaries have become stronger and stronger over the past few years, with psychotherapy and just generally growing up (I’m 24 y/o now), but it doesn’t stop me feeling anxious about broaching the topic with new sexual partners.