First time sex with new partner? Bringing up condoms?

[Dreamscape1]

Hi all,

I’ve been dating a guy for a few weeks, and we’re about to go on a fourth date tonight. He’s invited me around to his house and he’s going to cook, etc. I have a strong suspicion based on back and forth flirting that things might become physical. I’m on the contraceptive pill, which works really well for me with no side effects etc. However, I obviously want to use condoms as well for added protection from STIs etc.

However, I’m worried about having the condom conversation, mainly because most of the men I’ve ever dated have been very resistant to the idea. I’ve recently come out of a three year relationship with a man who refused to wear condoms. In fact, the only man who ever suggested using a condom was someone who had premature ejaculation and needed one to numb some of the sensation.

Women, how have you brought it up, and drawn that kind of line in the sand? I don’t want to be bullied into not using one, as I was when I was younger, had no boundaries and more vulnerable.

Thank you!

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@Condomsareamust If he secretly didnt use them then that's legally rape nowadays of course. (Not that the police even know that law, in my experience.) So sorry you went through that, it happened to me a couple of times, too.

I'm so sorry he did that to you.

I believe that etiquette these days is go use condoms until you both can produce a negative STI test.
You shouldn’t be having sex with someone if you are too shy to mention condoms to them.

My dp, when we first had sex, was actually the one to say he was going to use a condom, and we used them until we had both had the all clear from sexual health checks.

I know hoe much he doesn't like them as we are still using them 4 years later but he won't sort out getting the snip so it's tough really!

It's always a bit of a mood killer to bring up condoms but better than risking your health.

Have a good night!

While this is true, there are also some things that men aren't tested for e.g. HPV that condoms can help protect you against (although they're not 100% effective against it) so you have to be aware of that risk

I just used to say, have you got a condom? If they didn't then I'd go home. I don't want an STI. I never would have allowed it.
I would have thought these days this kind of conversation would have been normal - I find it incredibly sad that nothing has changed.

I would go with @BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz suggestion.

No condom, no jiggy jig

Have a good evening

Take your own condoms. TBH I assume that most people would use condoms until they were in committed relationship and got tested.
If he resists condoms, don't have sex with him. It's not worth risking your health or an unwanted pregnancy because he will feel slightly less pleasure.

If he doesn't want to use condoms, don't have sex with him. Simple as that

@xfan was there any need to judge?

OP just buy your own condoms and say ‘let me just get a condom’. Also be prepared to leave if he refuses. Definitely have an escape route ready eg taxi number.

OP can make her own decisions as to what speed she decides to resume dating. She's not asking for advice on that aspect of things.

You're an adult, FFS. If you are incapable of advocating for yourself at this point you shouldn't be having sex at all.

Maybe she means sexual partner

“A man who won’t wear a condom is not a man you should be having sex with.”

It really is this simple. I came of age in the mid-80s when HIV infection was a death sentence. Everyone I knew used condoms. It wasn’t even a discussion. The habit has stuck and there are still very good reasons for using one now. Remember: if he won’t wear a condom with you, he’s not wearing them with others either. If you can’t stand up for yourself enough to insist on condoms, then you shouldn’t be contemplating having sex. You don’t owe men condom-free sex. You do owe it to yourself to protect yourself with a condom.

Ffs I can't believe you're even worrying about this! It's no different from any other boundary. You say "I've got condoms if you don't have any" and that's it! Any man who questions or complains is STRAIGHT in the bin!!

The pill is none of his business.

I hope you are more assertive with your other expectations and boundaries with this man, otherwise you are not going to set the bar high enough.

If he refuses to put one on, remember that's good, as it saves you both time: you can cross him straight off the list and find someone more suitable.
It's a great feeling when you set a boundary and your partner either respects it or doesn't even realise it was a boundary as they are on the same page anyway. That feeling is really worth the trepidation of doing something that's met with resistance in the past.

All those giving OP grief along the lines of ‘if you aren’t ready to have the condom talk you aren’t ready to have sex’ seem to have missed the point that OP has had some exes who objected to wearing them so it’s understandable she wants a bit of support in broaching a topic she has experienced difficulty with previously.

OP if you get to the point where it’s obvious it’s going to progress to sex and he isn’t already mentioning/sorting a condom himself ask if he has condoms, any decent guy will have some if he’s planning on having sex.

If he says no you can say “that’s ok I have some” (but only if you still want to have sex with someone who admits they weren’t intending on using a condom, that’s a red flag to me as a likely STI carrier).

Do not feel pressured to have unprotected sex and recognise that decent guys don’t insist on unprotected sex with new partners- run a mile of that happens.

I hope your date goes well OP!

Definitely don't mention that you're on the pill. I have had quite a lot of casual sex and whilst there are always men who'd happily stick it in no questions asked I've never come across a man who would refuse to put a condom on when he's given one. The first sign of resistance and my fanny would seal up to be honest and most men are smart enough to know not to argue!

Re timing - i always found when he starts taking off his pants is a good moment.

If you can't talk about things like this with a prospective partner, you should not be having sex

I guess, if he wont use a condom, it depends on whether you're prepared to entrust your health and fertility to a man whom you've met four times who obviously would have a history of unsafe sex if he wont use a condom with you. My dad in his seventies once told me, "Viola, men will say anything to avoid wearing a condom, don't believe a word of it". I think that about sums it up.

You need to state your requirement that he uses a condom, and that you have some if need be, before any sexual contact starts. This will be a good exercise in you being assertive and in control of your own wellbeing.

Been dating hom only for a few weeks and you are even considering going without a condom? barf :o|

This. And in my dating days, I rigidly enforced this rule. Had 3 longish relationships which were exclusive and only ditched the condoms when we both had Sti checks (and saw the evidence). I explained that sexual health was important to me (as I think it should be for everyone), and no condom, no sex.

Further down the line if they're a keeper, they'll demonstrate that partly by getting a check!