First time sex with new partner? Bringing up condoms?

[Dreamscape1]

Hi all,

I’ve been dating a guy for a few weeks, and we’re about to go on a fourth date tonight. He’s invited me around to his house and he’s going to cook, etc. I have a strong suspicion based on back and forth flirting that things might become physical. I’m on the contraceptive pill, which works really well for me with no side effects etc. However, I obviously want to use condoms as well for added protection from STIs etc.

However, I’m worried about having the condom conversation, mainly because most of the men I’ve ever dated have been very resistant to the idea. I’ve recently come out of a three year relationship with a man who refused to wear condoms. In fact, the only man who ever suggested using a condom was someone who had premature ejaculation and needed one to numb some of the sensation.

Women, how have you brought it up, and drawn that kind of line in the sand? I don’t want to be bullied into not using one, as I was when I was younger, had no boundaries and more vulnerable.

Thank you!

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Just make it clear that there will be absolutely no sex without one.

If he says 'I hate them/ I won't use one/ I don't want to' then you say 'That's a shame, but never mind, we can watch TV instead.' Or ' OK, let me know when you've got the printed results from your sexual health tests then, and we can talk about maybe having sex...'

Lots of good advice already.

I can’t believe men themselves aren’t worried about STIs as you’re a risk to him too. Some men are just thick.

Hope you have a good time and he’s a gent.

What if he has or claims to have a latex allergy?

I use Skyn Elite, they're non-latex and super thin. I use my latex allergy as a way of initiating the condom conversation with a new partner. (I also have a copper IUD but they don't need to know this at the outset).

Then he ensures he has his own condoms that he's not allergic to?! Do you honestly think the OP should provide non latex condoms in case?

I had a hook up with a man who didn't have any condoms

Oops it sent before I had finished. I forgot to take one. We had plenty of fun without a condom was my point. Sex doesn't always have to include PIV...

Yes, I would hope he has some in this instance, but like I said, some men do claim a latex allergy when latex condoms are bought out.

Also, non-latex condoms are much nicer to use, they smell better too.

allergies, he should be prepared then.

If he is allergic to all condoms of every kind, then he should have sex without sti testing and an exclusive arrangement.

I’ve always been amazed by the number of men who really don’t give one fuck about their own sexual health.

It just seems to recur with such regularity (“I don’t like condoms”, “I can’t feel anything”, or just sticking it in anyway) that the whole topic fills me with anxiety.

You've dated utter turds, at least one of whom is a rapist. I'm so so sorry.

I think it helps to treat it like it's a complete utter red line. "I don't like condoms" "that's a shame, bye". Or even "I don't like herpes". I treat it like it's unthinkable not to and have received no issues. Even the "I don't like them" men have realised they like it more than no sex at all.

You have us behind you. Not literally, that would be weird!

Sorry young and stupid I might be but you wouldn't get me sleeping with someone I didn't know was clear of anything even before condoms pill etc

No glove no love. I wouldn't consider kissing someone who didn't brush their teeth and neither would I let someone put their penis near me without protection. If he moans he doesn't give a damn about his or your health. Get rid.

That's a risk assessment you're entitled to make for yourself and other people are entitled to make their own risk assessments. Personally, condoms are enough of a safeguard for me, and that's my choice.

@Dreamscape1 fourth date isn’t standard. Men will be perpetuating that idea. You could go on four dates in four days and rack up loads of sexual partners that way. Apart from the emotional aspect of physical intimacy too soon, he could give you genital warts even with a condom.

Depending on the situation/relationship I sometimes use fictional people to get a point across. Tell him about your friend Tracey who had a guy walk out on her because she asked him to wear a condom. Continue...." I mean what idiot wouldn't use a condom? Obvious it's different if you're in a committed relationship then there are other options, but at least initially....I told Tracey, he sounds like an entitled bully, you're better off without him..."

I would make sure you’re in a position to leave quickly if things turn bad. I know this might seem like overkill but I’ve had guys turn nasty when they don’t want to use a condom but still want to have sex. And in some of those situations it was difficult for me to leave (late/no taxis etc).

@toomanyleggings genital warts - very sexy 🤣

@MoonsHaunted Yes, good advice. I can leave and get a taxi home if necessary. I’ve also had an experience of someone turning nasty after I said no to sex.

If you aren't ready to discuss condoms then you aren't ready to have sex.

Of course, you could always wait for your future husband (whoever he turns out to be) and honeymoon. No need for condoms then really, as (God willing) you'll know where you stand.

I suppose if you and future husband had had previous partners, you might still want to get an STI test before consummating your marriage (or deciding on marriage) though.

OP it sounds like you've had some dire experiences, maybe spend some time working out what your boundaries are around sex, including but not exclusively regarding condoms and get comfortable with talking about them and agreeing them with any new partner.

Think about what you want, what you're happy to do, what is a hard no. And get comfortable with expressing and sticking to them.

I'm another vote for if you can't talk about the sex with the person, you're not in the right place to be having the sex with the person.

Don’t meet up with him for sex in the first place if you think he might say no to a condom

Literally any man could turn nasty at any point, it doesn’t matter how well you think you know them. I’ve had people I’d bet my life on being “good guys” behave incredibly horrifically. So basically never have sex with any man ever

Even my granny, who would have been triple figures in age if she were still with us, didn't wait.

Not being funny but I'm not wasting my time if they're shit in bed!

Not being funny but I'm not wasting my time if they're shit in bed!

This

OP hopefully he's one of the good ones and respects the need for a condom. Have a fun (and safe) night!