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Original poster

First time sex with new partner? Bringing up condoms?

157 replies

Dreamscape1 · 26/05/2023 11:50

Hi all,

I’ve been dating a guy for a few weeks, and we’re about to go on a fourth date tonight. He’s invited me around to his house and he’s going to cook, etc. I have a strong suspicion based on back and forth flirting that things might become physical. I’m on the contraceptive pill, which works really well for me with no side effects etc. However, I obviously want to use condoms as well for added protection from STIs etc.

However, I’m worried about having the condom conversation, mainly because most of the men I’ve ever dated have been very resistant to the idea. I’ve recently come out of a three year relationship with a man who refused to wear condoms. In fact, the only man who ever suggested using a condom was someone who had premature ejaculation and needed one to numb some of the sensation.

Women, how have you brought it up, and drawn that kind of line in the sand? I don’t want to be bullied into not using one, as I was when I was younger, had no boundaries and more vulnerable.

Thank you!

If you've found this page in search of condoms that have been tried and tested by fellow Mumsnet users, you might find our guide to the best condoms useful. Hope this helps! MNHQ

OP posts:

porridgeisbae · 26/05/2023 19:09

@MrsTerryPratchett I totally get your point. If we'd all waited until we were married to have sex, we maybe wouldn't be as bothered, as what we got would be what we got.

But because we've experienced sex, it's made us bothered about the quality of sex, stamina, even size for me, more than we otherwise would.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 26/05/2023 19:16

porridgeisbae · 26/05/2023 17:25

Of course, you could always wait for your future husband (whoever he turns out to be) and honeymoon. No need for condoms then really, as (God willing) you'll know where you stand.

I suppose if you and future husband had had previous partners, you might still want to get an STI test before consummating your marriage (or deciding on marriage) though.

Are you honestly advocating that a woman waits until she has the legal "trappings" of marriage before she knows if a fundamental aspect of a relationship (aka sexual compatibility) is right for her?

Aren't we past this misogynistic bullcrap where women aren't allowed to have sexual wants and needs? And for them to be satiated in a mutually enjoyable sex life?

porridgeisbae · 26/05/2023 19:27

Are you honestly advocating that a woman waits until she has the legal "trappings" of marriage before she knows if a fundamental aspect of a relationship (aka sexual compatibility) is right for her?

I'm advocating for people of both sexes waiting for the spiritual covenant of marriage before they have sex, which is just one part of marriage and a partly spiritual rather than just physical act.

Aren't we past this misogynistic bullcrap where women aren't allowed to have sexual wants and needs? And for them to be satiated in a mutually enjoyable sex life?

It's not about misogyny- both sexes should wait. And married couples can work on their sex life as an expression of their love, covenant, and sacrifice to each other.

I know it's hard for those of us that are used to living in a different way though. I converted to Catholicism recently, in my mid 40s.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 26/05/2023 19:44

Oh jeez.

AgentJohnson · 26/05/2023 19:48

firstly, it’s not a discussion it’s non negotiable. The second any man thinks it’s an option for him, that’s when you throw him back.

FraserNow · 26/05/2023 19:48

Thing is, look back through history and people have been having sex before marriage, and outside their marriage, since the dawn of time.

This idea that sex should only happen in marriage and everyone ends up happy with what they got is really as they don’t know any better is - well - nonsense.

FraserNow · 26/05/2023 19:51

porridgeisbae · 26/05/2023 19:27

Are you honestly advocating that a woman waits until she has the legal "trappings" of marriage before she knows if a fundamental aspect of a relationship (aka sexual compatibility) is right for her?

I'm advocating for people of both sexes waiting for the spiritual covenant of marriage before they have sex, which is just one part of marriage and a partly spiritual rather than just physical act.

Aren't we past this misogynistic bullcrap where women aren't allowed to have sexual wants and needs? And for them to be satiated in a mutually enjoyable sex life?

It's not about misogyny- both sexes should wait. And married couples can work on their sex life as an expression of their love, covenant, and sacrifice to each other.

I know it's hard for those of us that are used to living in a different way though. I converted to Catholicism recently, in my mid 40s.

Right and now you think you’re qualified to preach.

I was raised Catholic and ‘converted’ to being an atheist as I’ve seen more damage from that teaching than I care to share.

CountessBathorysBeautySecrets · 26/05/2023 19:51

Not everyone wants to get married.

And anyone who does want to get married who waits until their wedding night to sample to goods is very foolish.

WilkinsonM · 26/05/2023 20:24

porridgeisbae · 26/05/2023 19:09

@MrsTerryPratchett I totally get your point. If we'd all waited until we were married to have sex, we maybe wouldn't be as bothered, as what we got would be what we got.

But because we've experienced sex, it's made us bothered about the quality of sex, stamina, even size for me, more than we otherwise would.

You say that like it's a bad thing!

Kingaling · 26/05/2023 21:07

But why would you wait until you go to his house? Just have the conversation from now. If he doesn't like it, and can't produce and sti test don't go in the first place.

FinallyHere · 26/05/2023 21:35

how have you brought it up, and drawn that kind of line in the sand

With my words, in conversation long before we get into an interesting situation. I'd ask 'how do you feel about ....' because I would want to know their opinion on that and lots of other things long before I started to take my clothes off.

I would have had the exclusive conversation, too.

It's important to me to know what sort of person this man really is. That's important to me. It's laughable to think anyone would coerce me into not using a condom.

My line in the sand would be no condom, no PIV

BCBird · 26/05/2023 22:23

Love the no.glove no love mantra

FuckNuggets · 26/05/2023 22:37

porridgeisbae · 26/05/2023 17:25

Of course, you could always wait for your future husband (whoever he turns out to be) and honeymoon. No need for condoms then really, as (God willing) you'll know where you stand.

I suppose if you and future husband had had previous partners, you might still want to get an STI test before consummating your marriage (or deciding on marriage) though.

1950 called, they want you back. I know for a fact my nan slept with my grandad before they got married and that was in 1947! Same with my parents in the 70s.

porridgeisbae · 27/05/2023 00:24

Right and now you think you’re qualified to preach.

@FraserNow It's not that I feel qualified to preach it's that I encouraged OP to use condoms earlier in the thread and now I feel bad about it because I'll have to confess that.

You say that like it's a bad thing!

@WilkinsonM It might mean we have a husband who's the perfect match in every way except he has an almost entirely impotent micropenis. Maybe he managed to consummate the marriage but then never managed it again. We'd probably find that harder (no pun intended) than someone who'd never had good sex (I know some women are fine with micro-impotence though; people like different things. PIV is important to me.)

MrsTerryPratchett · 27/05/2023 03:02

1950 called, they want you back. I know for a fact my nan slept with my grandad before they got married and that was in 1947! Same with my parents in the 70s.

I know for a fact my grandmother shagged someone who wasn't my grandfather in the 1940s.

And she was very happy and in love with my grandfather after.

Of course I come from generations of happy atheists so we don't struggle with this. No micrpenis impotence for us.

WildestDreamsSunset · 27/05/2023 05:26

I am in almost the same situation. I’ve recently started dating someone new. I’ve been to his house but did not sleep with him but next time we probably will. Due to my age, pregnancy is not a worry, but I still want to be safe. Like some of you on this thread I have been in the situation previously - in bed with a man who flat out refused to wear one and made excuses.
I think when you’re at someone’s house you could be in a vulnerable position if you start being intimate, they make excuses e.g latex allergy, and then it’s an awkward conversation - plus you then have to leave.

With the another man I was dating I brought up the conversation about safe sex during a date and he was aghast that I would want to use condoms! He said he didn’t when he was dating someone and believed all his previous partners had been ‘clean’. I explained you can’t tell if someone has an STI just by how they look…

ShandaLear · 27/05/2023 05:29

porridgeisbae · 26/05/2023 17:25

Of course, you could always wait for your future husband (whoever he turns out to be) and honeymoon. No need for condoms then really, as (God willing) you'll know where you stand.

I suppose if you and future husband had had previous partners, you might still want to get an STI test before consummating your marriage (or deciding on marriage) though.

Why would you do that? You’d be missing out on years of great sex.

C1N1C · 27/05/2023 06:33

Flip side of this... i wouldn't have sex with a woman until I knew she'd been tested. I'd happily prolong the casual dating/ getting-to-know-her phase just so I could be sure.

He'll, go together... then the next few weeks you'll be buzzing from the anticipation.

I'm a safety guy :)

EBearhug · 27/05/2023 07:08

In a year of dating, (and I am one of those who wants to know early on if they're good in bed,) I don't think a single man initiated the condom conversation (and there were a lot of them.) Plenty of them moaned about how sex with a condom isn't as good, but then the alternative is no sex. I know there's plenty you can do without PiV, but if they're going to whinge about condoms, I don't see why they should get anything. The only time it wasn't an issue was st swingers clubs.

I did also bring up the question about testing. Apparently I am unreasonable for suggesting that once a year isn't often enough if you're shagging around.

What I don't understand is, if a man is happy to sleep with me on a first date, I would assume I'm not the only one he's done that with. But it would also be a reasonable (and accurate) assumption that he's not the only man I've done it with, either, and why don't they want to protect themselves? They might have had a vasectomy, I might be menopausal - I'm still having periods, though, and none of them asked if there'sany pregnancy risk either. I'm early 50s, and most were a similar age, so would have also grown up with AIDS and starting university and stuff with free condoms everywhere - did they all forget in the 30 years since?

(But having grown up then does mean I've always had my own condoms.)

Giselletheunicorn · 27/05/2023 07:39

It's very simple - stick to your guns: no condom, no sex. If they are not willing tor show respect to you by wearing one then they are absolutely not a keeper.

It's been a long time since I was single, but I always insisted and nobody ever said no. I suspect given a choice between a condom'd shag and a frustrated wank because a potential partner was walking out the door. Men decided the former was the better option.

It saddens me that this even has to be a conversation. It should be assumed by men that a condom is part of the process when sleeping with a new woman partner....

Hubblebubble · 27/05/2023 07:48

Yeah, insisting on a condom with an untested partner really is the bare minimum. You realise a condom could split and an untested partner could give you all sorts of (often symptomless for ages) STDs like syphilis, chlamydia and HIV.

WilkinsonM · 27/05/2023 08:18

porridgeisbae · 27/05/2023 00:24

Right and now you think you’re qualified to preach.

@FraserNow It's not that I feel qualified to preach it's that I encouraged OP to use condoms earlier in the thread and now I feel bad about it because I'll have to confess that.

You say that like it's a bad thing!

If my husband can't fuck me well then he's not the perfect husband for me:) HTH

FinallyHere · 27/05/2023 09:08

and, trust me, if he is going to be selfish about not wanting to use a condom, he will be selfish about other things, too

Absolutely no doubt about it.

And the sooner you know that, the better.

But then I only rarely climax from PIV, so while I'm fine with it, it is by no means any kind of decider for me. Knowing what kind of a person they are, how they react in a crisis is way much more important to me than knowing what skills they have.

It's not different when we recruit at work. We are a highly specialised concern who expect to train people.

We can train anyone with the right attitude and ability in absolutely everything they need to succeed. That's how I feel about my life, too.

There is no point in someone who thinks they know lots and can give a spectacular one-off performance. I need to know how they respond when disappointed, annoyed or any of the other things that will happen. Do they shrug off disappointment? Can they even remain sunny or at least even tempered?

Anything they need to know, trust me, I can show them if they are decent human beings.

Zanatdy · 27/05/2023 10:08

I’d take some with you, that’s what I did with new boyfriend last time

OrlandointheWilderness · 27/05/2023 10:20

How did it go OP?

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