The next chapter

[Bluebeanbag]

Hi everyone, it feels fitting to start a new thread today to say the biggest thank you to you all. You have kept me going with such sound advice and cheerleading throughout this whole debacle.

I have just closed my own front door for the first time, after the removal men left, and sat on the stairs and had a big messy cry. I have imagined this moment so many times over the past year and it has finally happened. I love my teeny house to bits.

I'm sure there will be more rocks in the road to navigate and doubtless you will all be there to help me along the way. Thank you a million times over.

Well done @Bluebeanbag.

That track and train analogy is really excellent, and totally on the money.

YOU can do this.

Please do not think of this as ‘going for more money’. You are seeking ‘fair money’ / settlement.

This is not a re-negotiation - this is THE negotiation as he has now provided accurate figures.
If he had provided the correct figures initially, the initial agreement would have been correct and fair.

This is for your children’s future.
Please stop thinking of yourself as part of this extended family where his views are paramount.

You will look back and wonder why you couldn’t acknowledge your independence and still worried what other people thought about your divorce proceedings above what you need to survive fairly in your ‘new family’ environment.

You have done brilliantly- keep going!

It's invaluable to have all your voices pointing out the unhelpful thought patterns. I'm so used to behaving and thinking in this way that I don't even realise what I'm doing. What you all say makes so much sense.

I sent an email to my solicitor on Thursday saying that I had decided to take her advice and ask for a portion of his pension. She is going to draft a letter to the other side so I'm waiting to see what she comes up with now. And also dreading the inevitable fall out, abusive messages etc. Big girl pants are hoisted 😬

Very good news, OP.
Well done.

This is a reasonable request, you know. Only someone who is inherently self serving, like your ex, will regard it as anything else.

This isn't just for you. It's for your boys.

@Bluebeanbag he coerced and cheated you before, you’re only trying to get what’s right and fair for you and the boys. You know he’s a nasty, devious basket and you have absolutely nothing to feel bad about getting a fair settlement. We’re all behind you! 💐

Well done for contacting your solicitor. Do not respond to any abusive messages. They do not require a response from you. If they do, forward to your solicitor.

Well done you.

Keep all abusive messages.

Record any abusive phonecalls.

Recordings are very powerful, far more than heresay.

Keep reminding yourself that the only opinion of you that counts is that of your children, on a loop.

Does anyone know how I cam record a phone call? Might need to know in the coming few days. The letter has reached him.

He called me yesterday to 'talk' (verbally abuse) about it. He said that the reason he has stopped paying any child maintenance was because I still owed him £500 for half of the last month's bills. Once I paid that he was going to start paying me something towards the kids again.

He also said that 'after everything I've done to him' he just wants to forget about me and get on with his life. I told him I wasn't going to discuss it on the phone with him. He carried on. So I hung up on him. He then messaged me saying I was childish.

This morning his DM has come round (she takes DS2 to school on a Tuesday) and told me I HAVE to let go of this claim on his pension to be free of him. She has offered to financially support me and the kids rather than have to deal with him. He was on the phone abusing her yesterday as well. He told her that she is not to have anything to do with me any longer. She told him to get stuffed at that, but still thinks I should not claim against his pension.

I tried to explain that this needs to go to court to be finalised and that the judge will just throw it back at us if it is unfair, meaning we will have to renegotiate anyway. Her DH said I should settle it out of court with him but from what I understand from my solicitor, if I do that, it leaves both of us open to future financial claims.

There are some apps that you can pay for I think, but easiest way would be if you have a spare phone and can use the sound recorder on it have your conversation on loudspeaker and record on the other phone.
Some of the free apps will record, but won't record what you're saying because it's difficult to use the microphone for both the mouthpiece and earpiece of the phone.
They try to get other apps on the phone to get around it,or something. It's a few months since I tried and my memory is terrible.
If you have a landline, you could use that for the phone call and record it on your phone. Either way it'd have to be on loudspeaker. Laptop might be able to record sound either actually if that's any easier than a spare phone or landline.
Best of luck

She has offered to financially support me and the kids rather than have to deal with him.
That's lovely of her but if her circumstances change then you and the children are in trouble. You need it court ordered for that alone even if a judge would sign off the consent form with him. Don't back down, just reiterate that "the judge requires it, it's a court thing" and change the subject.

No idea about recording phone calls. I did download a recording app for when I spoke to H face to face but haven't tried it on a call, sorry. Well done for hanging up on him that must have been so hard, you need everything written down when dealing with weasels.

I had been hoping this was all finished for you and you were finally having a lovely life. They really don't seem to get that if they just got on with the legalities they would actually be free. My H hasn't even got his bank statements together, nvm his pension forecast, so we can sell the house but apparently it's my fault he can't leave. Idiot.

Ah thanks @GingerBeerDrinker I hadn't thought of using the laptop.

Maybe his mother wants you not to claim part of his pension so he'll stop ringing her and being abusive about it.
I'd honestly pay no attention to her. She could be run over by a bus next week.
You need to carry on sorting out claiming part of his pension. It's really important that you do this, for your boys.

@Pixiedust1234 I didn't see your post earlier. I knew there would be more nonsense to deal with. I'm sure it will continue in other ways even after the finances are settled. I look forward to the day when I receive that final divorce confirmation. I hope your H gets his act together soon. Isn't it amazing how it is always someone else's fault but theirs?

@Bluebeanbag

I have no more thoughtful advice than you are receiving already, but am sending you a huge hug and also good vibes your way to cope with this man's dire treatment of you and also your children. 🌹

@TheShellBeach I agree. She wants him to stop giving her abuse too. I feel very sorry for her but equally, I can see how this is not my responsibility.

Thank you @Newestname002 One day it will all settle down. I have to keep reminding myself that we are actually still in the early days of being separated.

I've just drafted a message to him, which I haven't sent yet because I'm scared! Can I get your thoughts lovely people?

'1. I won't be discussing our financial settlement with your mum. It is absolutely unfair for her to be put in that position.
2. I won't be coming to a private arrangement with you. It will be done through solicitors and through the court order so that it is legally binding on both sides.
3. I will await a suggestion via your solicitor as to how you propose to make the financial settlement more fair. The solution doesn't have to involve pensions if you would prefer it not to.'

It has to include pension valuations, his pension could be worth way more than the equity in the house!!

Just state 1 & 2.

I've just refreshed myself of your situation.

He can complain all he likes. You initially agreed to less as he (deliberately) undervalued his pension and you were coerced. Now he is isn't go to pay any maintenance ever and his pension is worth £££££.

Your DC need you to get a fair settlement for all 3 of you.

He is saying that he will make maintenance payments, 'even though he doesn't have to', if I pay him half of the final month's bills. I have paid him that now but I have no idea what will be his proposed figure for a maintenance payment.

The pension valuations are stated on the D81 but I had previously agreed not to claim against his pension, mainly because I thought they would be roughly the same, given the fact that I have worked part time for the past 12 years and he has not been paying into a pension at all for about 8 years.

Of course, now it turns out his pension valuation is about double what he estimated it to be.

Do not reply yet.

This is the most valuable advice I can give.

Wait. Keep thinking.

You can say what you want with fewer words. And without showing your hand - which is what your mention of the pension would do.

I've been here, and negotiated similarly, with my own Ex. And have just finished dealing with someone who owed me money, and tried all the same tactics as my Ex!

So I'll have a think, and post soonish with my tuppence worth

"I will be using my solicitor for our financial settlement and will not discuss this with you verbally."

Just something along those lines the rest is noise.

Yes, I see what you are saying. I have just been reading up about pension sharing in divorce and it looks bloody complicated. It's likely to cost a fair whack in solicitors fees 😑

Firstly child maintenance is nothing to do with bills or who is paying what. He needs to pay it regardless. This is to ensure his child has a roof over its head and food to eat. I think I'd email his solicitor rather than him and set your stall out.

Dear solicitor

Please inform your client , Mr X, that I will not discuss any aspect of the divorce or finances with his mother.

I will continue with my claim for child maintenance regardless of the outstanding £500 for house bills.

I will consider any sensible and fair settlement (to include the £500 house bill), please discuss this with Mr X and come back to me.

Finally all communication and financial agreement must go via a solicitor and be signed off in court as I will not be making any private arrangements with him.

Regards