Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Boyfriend throwing past mistakes in my face.

128 replies

Lunamolly3 · 20/05/2023 11:26

I would like some advice please, I feel like I am living with the enemy, whenever my boyfriend has had a few drinks he throws the past in my face, in the past we have had bad rows and I have put his stuff out several times.

The other night he was on the phone to someone and that other person started shouting abuse at me about what i've done etc etc. My boyfriend didn't defend me, he agreed with him. I have not been perfect and some of my past actions have been volatile and aggressive - throwing plates etc but I have apologised and am making an effort to change. I cannot get through to my boyfriend, how can he be in a relationship with me when he carries such resentment for me? I think our only option now is to break up. If he thinks I am such a monster - then why is he still with me?

OP posts:
OldEvilOwl · 20/05/2023 11:29

Why are you still with him? sounds toxic

Thesunwillcomeoutverysoon · 20/05/2023 11:29

Make him an ex and don't look back. Throwing things isn't great but neither is being a twat bf...

Stratocumulus · 20/05/2023 11:30

He’s still with you because for now someone better (in his mind) hadn’t come along.
He’s still with you because you’re better than nothing in his bed.
He’s still with you because he likes messing with your mind, can get away with it and bully you.
He’s still with you because you don’t take the initiative, take back your power and dump him.

BlastedPimples · 20/05/2023 11:33

He's with you because he's a bully and he likes to bully you and you take it. And his friend on the 'phone likes to bully you too.

Run away as fast and as far as you can from this awful people.

Pinkbonbon · 20/05/2023 11:33

Well...why are YOU still with him?

If you're even in a relationship where you find yourself throwing projectiles at someone- get single and get therapy.

OK he has an idiot friend who enjoys poking the bear and his not any better it seems but good god op do you really think anyone should let that shit go?

He's an idiot for staying.
OK, he might also be a total asshole but chances are he just knows deep down he should have left and so couldn't bring himself to stop that friend reading you the riot act.

Throwing plates. Wow.
Get out and get therapy.

Lunamolly3 · 20/05/2023 11:33

OldEvilOwl · 20/05/2023 11:29

Why are you still with him? sounds toxic

Don't know, I haven't spoken to him for 3 days now, no apology, no understanding why it was upsetting to be abused by his friend. I can't get through to him that what he did was wrong. Its not even worth trying at this point.

OP posts:
Lunamolly3 · 20/05/2023 11:34

Stratocumulus · 20/05/2023 11:30

He’s still with you because for now someone better (in his mind) hadn’t come along.
He’s still with you because you’re better than nothing in his bed.
He’s still with you because he likes messing with your mind, can get away with it and bully you.
He’s still with you because you don’t take the initiative, take back your power and dump him.

He could easily get someone else.

OP posts:
Iwrotethissong · 20/05/2023 11:34

Break up. That's it. Break up.

LolaSmiles · 20/05/2023 11:35

You've been aggressive and volatile in the relationship.
He's bringing it up after a few drinks.
You've had arguments that involve you putting his stuff out.

Why are either of you in this relationship?

And as an aside, I would not be getting over any boyfriend of mine being aggressive and throwing plates, and doubt my friends and family would get over it either, so whilst the friend shouldn't have been verbally abusive, I have some sympathy for his friend not being your biggest fan. If any of my friends said their romantic partner had been volatile and throwing plates in their relationship, I'd also be wary about the "I'm sorry, I've said I'm sorry let's just move on, I'm trying, why do you bring it up" approach.

Opentooffers · 20/05/2023 11:35

Why are you still with him, is just as valid? You have put his stuff out on several occasions, what made you take him back, did he grovel?
Who's name is on the mortgage/ tenancy? If its yours, there's your answer maybe, does he have somewhere he could go to?

Lunamolly3 · 20/05/2023 11:35

Pinkbonbon · 20/05/2023 11:33

Well...why are YOU still with him?

If you're even in a relationship where you find yourself throwing projectiles at someone- get single and get therapy.

OK he has an idiot friend who enjoys poking the bear and his not any better it seems but good god op do you really think anyone should let that shit go?

He's an idiot for staying.
OK, he might also be a total asshole but chances are he just knows deep down he should have left and so couldn't bring himself to stop that friend reading you the riot act.

Throwing plates. Wow.
Get out and get therapy.

Yeah, I've never done that in a relationship before, he enjoys provoking me. He should have left.

OP posts:
Lunamolly3 · 20/05/2023 11:36

LolaSmiles · 20/05/2023 11:35

You've been aggressive and volatile in the relationship.
He's bringing it up after a few drinks.
You've had arguments that involve you putting his stuff out.

Why are either of you in this relationship?

And as an aside, I would not be getting over any boyfriend of mine being aggressive and throwing plates, and doubt my friends and family would get over it either, so whilst the friend shouldn't have been verbally abusive, I have some sympathy for his friend not being your biggest fan. If any of my friends said their romantic partner had been volatile and throwing plates in their relationship, I'd also be wary about the "I'm sorry, I've said I'm sorry let's just move on, I'm trying, why do you bring it up" approach.

Yes I know. It should have probably ended a long time ago.

OP posts:
LolaSmiles · 20/05/2023 11:37

Yeah, I've never done that in a relationship before, he enjoys provoking me. He should have left.

Nobody in a relationship is responsible for their boyfriend/girlfriend throwing plates at them and being aggressive.

If you were feeling that volatile YOU should have walked away.

but they made me do it isn't a good look on a man or a woman.

DysonSpheres · 20/05/2023 11:38

You need to leave. I know it's not easy though.

Freeballing · 20/05/2023 11:39

Lunamolly3 · 20/05/2023 11:35

Yeah, I've never done that in a relationship before, he enjoys provoking me. He should have left.

Eesh op you are toxic. Get yourself single and get some serious therapy. He made me act in a violent manner, he provoked me, he should have left. You should have left before tou turned to violence. Now you are stonewalling him for 3 days because one of his friends had the audacity to call you out on your abuse? Start taking responsibility for your own behaviour, nobody can make you behave like a violent bully, that was all you.

Lunamolly3 · 20/05/2023 11:39

BlastedPimples · 20/05/2023 11:33

He's with you because he's a bully and he likes to bully you and you take it. And his friend on the 'phone likes to bully you too.

Run away as fast and as far as you can from this awful people.

Yes, but I have also behaved badly, I know I have.

OP posts:
Opentooffers · 20/05/2023 11:39

You seem to be waiting for him to do something about it when you could be ending it yourself.

Lunamolly3 · 20/05/2023 11:40

Freeballing · 20/05/2023 11:39

Eesh op you are toxic. Get yourself single and get some serious therapy. He made me act in a violent manner, he provoked me, he should have left. You should have left before tou turned to violence. Now you are stonewalling him for 3 days because one of his friends had the audacity to call you out on your abuse? Start taking responsibility for your own behaviour, nobody can make you behave like a violent bully, that was all you.

Ok, yes I will get some therapy.

OP posts:
Lunamolly3 · 20/05/2023 11:41

Opentooffers · 20/05/2023 11:39

You seem to be waiting for him to do something about it when you could be ending it yourself.

I don't think we have anything to talk about, he wants to come home. I dont know why.

OP posts:
Lunamolly3 · 20/05/2023 11:43

LolaSmiles · 20/05/2023 11:37

Yeah, I've never done that in a relationship before, he enjoys provoking me. He should have left.

Nobody in a relationship is responsible for their boyfriend/girlfriend throwing plates at them and being aggressive.

If you were feeling that volatile YOU should have walked away.

but they made me do it isn't a good look on a man or a woman.

I do agree with you, but some people do genuinely enjoy emotionally upsetting and winding up others, I haven't experienced it before and untillyou do experience it you won't understand. Still no excuse for my behaviour, which I am ashamed of and would take back if I could.

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 20/05/2023 11:43

OK but if someone drives you so crazy that you're literally throwing stuff at them then get out of the relationship.

You do know if he had been injured you could have wound up in jail. It doesn't matter how angry he 'made' you, the police wouldn't accept that for an excuse and nor should they.

I fully get the crazziness and blind rage these sort of men can bring on, how they can make us completely not ourselves. But if they bring that out in you and you continue to stay even after being driven to violence then good grief op, you're just being a martyr.

Get him out for good.
Relationships are supposed to be easy, comfortable and make is better versions of ourselves. This is the opposite. Run.

Lillygolightly · 20/05/2023 11:43

Lunamolly3 · 20/05/2023 11:34

He could easily get someone else.

Maybe he could easily get someone else, but would that person put up with all the crap that you do? Bit of a gamble isn’t it? Probably requires a bit of effort of his part of pretending he’s all nice and caring to suck someone new in. He probably can’t be arsed, easier to stick with what you know isn’t it?

Honestly I know it’s easier said than done, especially when you can’t understand why someone treats you as they do, but ultimately this man is a toad, and it’s best you throw him back into the pond because you shouldn’t have to explain to someone why they should treat you well, that should just treat you well….he doesn’t so bin him off OP, you’ll be better for it!!! 💐

Lunamolly3 · 20/05/2023 11:44

Pinkbonbon · 20/05/2023 11:43

OK but if someone drives you so crazy that you're literally throwing stuff at them then get out of the relationship.

You do know if he had been injured you could have wound up in jail. It doesn't matter how angry he 'made' you, the police wouldn't accept that for an excuse and nor should they.

I fully get the crazziness and blind rage these sort of men can bring on, how they can make us completely not ourselves. But if they bring that out in you and you continue to stay even after being driven to violence then good grief op, you're just being a martyr.

Get him out for good.
Relationships are supposed to be easy, comfortable and make is better versions of ourselves. This is the opposite. Run.

yep, so many times I have thought to myself "I don't like the person that I am with him"

OP posts:
Biscuitea · 20/05/2023 11:45

You need to end it. This is not the right relationship for you. He sounds nasty and unpleasant and he’s with you because he can be abusive to you and get his friends to join in. You’ll never win in this situation so as easy as it is for me to type, you need to think about how to extricate yourself from this and start afresh on your own.

perfectcolourfound · 20/05/2023 11:46

Why do you think he could 'easily' get someone else? Read your opening post again, describing him. He shouts abuse at you, he drags up the past, he can't control his drinking, he doesn't defend you when someone else abuses you.

He is far from a catch. Why would anyone want that for a boyfriend?

Yes you shouldn't have thrown things, but that isn't a reason to stick around and put up with his abuse. If you don't normally throw things at people then you have to assume it's him that brings out the worst in you. Perhaps his ongoing abuse drove you to it. Whatever the reason, it's a sign that you shouldn't be with him.

When you're with a good person in an equal relationship you NEVER feel the need to throw things, or to kick them out. You never feel threatened. They always defend you (and you them). You are a 'team', supporting each other, backing each other up. You make each others' lives happier, better.

Whatever reason for him being with you, you know it isn't love. Because you don't treat someone you love like that.

Please continue ignoring him. Block him. Don't reach out. Try to focus on other things. Healthier things. Work, friends, family, exercise, hobbies, etc.

If he contacts you, don't respond. Just ask yourself 'why is he contacting me? Is it a) because he's a lovely man who missed me and wants to apologise and make me happy? or
b) because he's a bully who can't control his drink and enjoys using me as an emotional punchbag until someone else comes along.

You deserve better.