Page 5 | Boyfriend throwing past mistakes in my face.

Lunamolly3 · 2023-05-20T10:26:07+00:00

I would like some advice please, I feel like I am living with the enemy, whenever my boyfriend has had a few drinks he throws the past in my face, in the past we have had bad rows and I have put his stuff out several times. The other night he was on the phone to someone and that other person started shouting abuse at me about what i've done etc etc. My boyfriend didn't defend me, he agreed with him. I have not been perfect and some of my past actions have been volatile and aggressive - throwing plates etc but I have apologised and am making an effort to change. I cannot get through to my boyfriend, how can he be in a relationship with me when he carries such resentment for me? I think our only option now is to break up. If he thinks I am such a monster - then why is he still with me?

Original poster

Lunamolly3 · 20/05/2023 14:43

notsayingmuch · 20/05/2023 14:41

Have you sent him a very clear message. Eg, 'the relationship between us is over. you need to take all your things now. no further contact is wanted.' He won't know that you are finally done until you tell him.

Yes, I said 'Let me know when you want to collect your things. You can come once and take it all in one go so you need to arrange a lift.'

OP posts:

LolaSmiles · 20/05/2023 14:45

I know, that's why I am not replying, I don't want to be dragged into it, everything is always my fault with him.
He says he doesn't understand why I am being like this? I honestly don't know how he can be so oblivious. He's acting like a confused toddler, I don't want to argue or try to explain
He will know though, most likely.

Because you've put stuff out in the past, and then the cycle of unhealthy behaviours have continued he has no real reason to believe that you mean it this time.

It takes a lot of strength to do what you've done, to identify that your own behaviour has been volatile and unhealthy, to identify the relationship as a whole is unhealthy and to end things. He is probably testing your strength at the moment to see if you mean it this time.

Have you clearly said to him "this is not healthy and it is over for good"?

billy1966 · 20/05/2023 14:45

Op,

This man is poison.

He enjoys winding you up, getting a reaction, and then bullying you for reacting.

He is abusing you.

Drop the rope.

Step away.

Put his shit in the shed and text him whete it is, as advised.

Then block him.

You need counselling.

You should not have been accepting this dreadful treatment of you.

You deserve so much better.

He drove you to behave in a way that is beneath you.

Forgive yourself and move on.

You will never move past this while you associate with scum.

He is scum.

I think you sound like a nice woman who has just got involved with scum.

Drop that rope and block him.

Original poster

Lunamolly3 · 20/05/2023 14:47

LolaSmiles · 20/05/2023 14:45

I know, that's why I am not replying, I don't want to be dragged into it, everything is always my fault with him.
He says he doesn't understand why I am being like this? I honestly don't know how he can be so oblivious. He's acting like a confused toddler, I don't want to argue or try to explain
He will know though, most likely.

Because you've put stuff out in the past, and then the cycle of unhealthy behaviours have continued he has no real reason to believe that you mean it this time.

It takes a lot of strength to do what you've done, to identify that your own behaviour has been volatile and unhealthy, to identify the relationship as a whole is unhealthy and to end things. He is probably testing your strength at the moment to see if you mean it this time.

Have you clearly said to him "this is not healthy and it is over for good"?

Just added that to the other message. I told him to his face when we had the argument but just added it. AS you say he probably just thinks - here we go again. That's why I wasn't replying because that's how things end up back where they were and the cycle continues.

OP posts:

Original poster

Lunamolly3 · 20/05/2023 14:51

LolaSmiles · 20/05/2023 14:45

I know, that's why I am not replying, I don't want to be dragged into it, everything is always my fault with him.
He says he doesn't understand why I am being like this? I honestly don't know how he can be so oblivious. He's acting like a confused toddler, I don't want to argue or try to explain
He will know though, most likely.

Because you've put stuff out in the past, and then the cycle of unhealthy behaviours have continued he has no real reason to believe that you mean it this time.

It takes a lot of strength to do what you've done, to identify that your own behaviour has been volatile and unhealthy, to identify the relationship as a whole is unhealthy and to end things. He is probably testing your strength at the moment to see if you mean it this time.

Have you clearly said to him "this is not healthy and it is over for good"?

He is asking me why the relationship isn't healthy. Omg, He literally let his friend rip into me and agreed with him about how terrible I am and now I am saying, its unhealthy and its over he is asking why? I can't talk to him, its ridiculous.

OP posts:

Original poster

Lunamolly3 · 20/05/2023 14:53

billy1966 · 20/05/2023 14:45

Op,

This man is poison.

He enjoys winding you up, getting a reaction, and then bullying you for reacting.

He is abusing you.

Drop the rope.

Step away.

Put his shit in the shed and text him whete it is, as advised.

Then block him.

You need counselling.

You should not have been accepting this dreadful treatment of you.

You deserve so much better.

He drove you to behave in a way that is beneath you.

Forgive yourself and move on.

You will never move past this while you associate with scum.

He is scum.

I think you sound like a nice woman who has just got involved with scum.

Drop that rope and block him.

I still have to live with and own my behaviour but thanks for the support.

OP posts:

TheShellBeach · 20/05/2023 14:57

Lunamolly3 · 20/05/2023 14:53

I still have to live with and own my behaviour but thanks for the support.

Show quote history

Your behaviour is a normal response to extreme goading.

LolaSmiles · 20/05/2023 15:09

He is asking me why the relationship isn't healthy. Omg, He literally let his friend rip into me and agreed with him about how terrible I am and now I am saying, its unhealthy and its over he is asking why? I can't talk to him, its ridiculous.
Sounds like he's possibly about to start a form sealioning, where he starts asking you and asking you and asking you to explain every answer, but he isn't asking in good faith. He'll then naturally claim that he's just trying to understand and then he'll swap to some sort of gaslighting behaviour where he "doesn't understand why you're so tetchy". He's hoping to find some gotcha where you then doubt your judgement.

As the person with the strength to review your own actions and this relationship, it isn't your job to explain why to him. A relationship can be ended by anyone at any time.

A simple: "I am not happy with the behaviour in this relationship so I am ending it" is enough.

BodyKeepingScore · 20/05/2023 15:11

If someone here posted that their male partner had thrown plates and was by their own admission volatile and aggressive they'd be told to leave. I don't see why your partner should be expected to defend you. If my friend was on the receiving end of your behaviour I'd be telling them to GTFO

perfectcolourfound · 20/05/2023 15:16

You've already owned your own behaviour. You've apologised. You've admitted it. You've accepted it was wrong. You've determined never to do it again.

You've said it isn't how you've ever acted before or since, with anyone else. Which is proof that it was this relationship that brought about that response in you. And his goading and criticising was designed to get that response from you.

None of that is an excuse for what happened, but you can't undo it, you can only ackonwledge it, change and move on. Which you have done.

The best action you can take to ensure you don't act like that again is to never see him again.

So - forgive yourself. Learn from your mistakes. Build yourself back up, and in future - if someone starts to treat you unkindly, aggressively, if they criticise, shout, goad you... walk away and don't look back.

On another note (re your comment about him telling the Police about you saying you'll send his stuff to charity if he won't collect it)... can you imagine that call to the Police. "I want to report my ex. She's told me to collect my stuff or she will give it to charity". Police response: "So collect your stuff then".

perfectcolourfound · 20/05/2023 15:18

BodyKeepingScore · 20/05/2023 15:11

If someone here posted that their male partner had thrown plates and was by their own admission volatile and aggressive they'd be told to leave. I don't see why your partner should be expected to defend you. If my friend was on the receiving end of your behaviour I'd be telling them to GTFO

The op wants to leave him, it's him hounding her and goading her. You've missed the fact that she was doing that in response to his abuse. That she's sorry, has stopped acting like that, is appalled at her behaviour. She wants out but he won't accept it because he doesn't want to lose his control over her.

LolaSmiles · 20/05/2023 15:20

BodyKeepingScore
Have you read the whole thread? Only my initial response was very similar and the thread has moved on.

The OP has not only acknowledged her own behaviour was volatile and unacceptable, but she has also gone on to keep out of the way when the goading starts and she is now (having accepted the relationship is unhealthy) ending the relationship.

Original poster

Lunamolly3 · 20/05/2023 16:03

LolaSmiles · 20/05/2023 15:09

He is asking me why the relationship isn't healthy. Omg, He literally let his friend rip into me and agreed with him about how terrible I am and now I am saying, its unhealthy and its over he is asking why? I can't talk to him, its ridiculous.
Sounds like he's possibly about to start a form sealioning, where he starts asking you and asking you and asking you to explain every answer, but he isn't asking in good faith. He'll then naturally claim that he's just trying to understand and then he'll swap to some sort of gaslighting behaviour where he "doesn't understand why you're so tetchy". He's hoping to find some gotcha where you then doubt your judgement.

As the person with the strength to review your own actions and this relationship, it isn't your job to explain why to him. A relationship can be ended by anyone at any time.

A simple: "I am not happy with the behaviour in this relationship so I am ending it" is enough.

Yep this has started, the first message was 'are you out of your mood now?' and then now asking me to explain why the relationship isn't healthy. I just repeated the message about collecting his things as I don't want to try to explain it to him.

OP posts:

Original poster

Lunamolly3 · 20/05/2023 16:09

LolaSmiles · 20/05/2023 15:09

He is asking me why the relationship isn't healthy. Omg, He literally let his friend rip into me and agreed with him about how terrible I am and now I am saying, its unhealthy and its over he is asking why? I can't talk to him, its ridiculous.
Sounds like he's possibly about to start a form sealioning, where he starts asking you and asking you and asking you to explain every answer, but he isn't asking in good faith. He'll then naturally claim that he's just trying to understand and then he'll swap to some sort of gaslighting behaviour where he "doesn't understand why you're so tetchy". He's hoping to find some gotcha where you then doubt your judgement.

As the person with the strength to review your own actions and this relationship, it isn't your job to explain why to him. A relationship can be ended by anyone at any time.

A simple: "I am not happy with the behaviour in this relationship so I am ending it" is enough.

He has just said I am ending the relationship because he went out for 3 hours, that's ridiculous, completely side lining the name-calling from his friend and him, then I asked him to leave because I didn't want to be around him, I actually said go and be with your friend. It's just insane that he is accusing me of ending the relationship because he went out for 3 hours. He is always calling me controlling, his mum and child's mother say I am controlling - I am not at all. I even asked some of my exes to double-check, they laughed. What is this?

OP posts:

TheShellBeach · 20/05/2023 16:29

Lunamolly3 · 20/05/2023 16:09

He has just said I am ending the relationship because he went out for 3 hours, that's ridiculous, completely side lining the name-calling from his friend and him, then I asked him to leave because I didn't want to be around him, I actually said go and be with your friend. It's just insane that he is accusing me of ending the relationship because he went out for 3 hours. He is always calling me controlling, his mum and child's mother say I am controlling - I am not at all. I even asked some of my exes to double-check, they laughed. What is this?

Show quote history

OP can I suggest you stop trying to work out his motivations.
You've ended it. Don't give him headspace anymore. He doesn't deserve it.
And you deserve peace from him.

Original poster

Lunamolly3 · 20/05/2023 16:31

TheShellBeach · 20/05/2023 16:29

OP can I suggest you stop trying to work out his motivations.
You've ended it. Don't give him headspace anymore. He doesn't deserve it.
And you deserve peace from him.

Show quote history

Yes, you're right, thank you, I've said what I need to say, best if I don't reply again. Thanks.

OP posts:

LolaSmiles · 20/05/2023 16:33

He's behaving like a child trying to get out of trouble.

"Oh how unfair and mean. Luna broke up with me because I just went out. Nudge nudge suggestions that you're unreasonable and controlling" sounds similar to teenagers in school 'omg can you believe Mr Smith. He gave me a detention JUST FOR ASKING A QUESTION"

Both are trying to present the person who has held a boundary as unreasonable, whilst glossing over their own behaviour.

perfectcolourfound · 20/05/2023 16:40

Don't give him space in your head.

Having acknowledged that he is cruel and controlling, and bad news for you, what he says and thinks is irrelevant. And you know he comes from a place of utter selfishness. Anything he says now will be designed to hurt you or to reel you back in. Either way, you shouldn't be listening.

Block him in every way you can, and his family / his ex.

And remind yourself - if they truly think you are controlling, they should be grateful that you've left him. If they honestly thought you were controlling, they would be blocking YOU.

No, he's a bully and he's engaged them in helping him bully you.

You're doing brilliantly @Lunamolly3 you really are. You've recognised he's abusive, you're standing your ground. Ignore. Ignore Ignore. This is the hardest bit. Ride out this storm and you will get stronger every day.

perfectcolourfound · 21/05/2023 14:20

Hello @Lunamolly3 How are you doing today?

Original poster

Lunamolly3 · 21/05/2023 16:13

perfectcolourfound · 21/05/2023 14:20

Hello @Lunamolly3 How are you doing today?

Hi, I'm doing OK thanks, he hasn't collected the stuff yet and is promising to chnage and never again etc etc. I have said its best for both of us to seperate as we bring out the worst in each other and he says I obviously don't love him enough. So he's guilt tripping me. This is why I didn't want to reply at all.

OP posts:

TheShellBeach · 21/05/2023 16:14

Lunamolly3 · 21/05/2023 16:13

Hi, I'm doing OK thanks, he hasn't collected the stuff yet and is promising to chnage and never again etc etc. I have said its best for both of us to seperate as we bring out the worst in each other and he says I obviously don't love him enough. So he's guilt tripping me. This is why I didn't want to reply at all.

Show quote history

Well done!
Just ignore him. There's no need to reply.

billy1966 · 21/05/2023 16:17

If he persists, tell him "Yes, I don't love you anymore and that is why it's for the best we part. Pick up your stuff".

Do not discuss nor argue.

Tell him he is right, you are not working.

Him telling his friend yesterday gave you the clarity you needed and he is right.

It's over and it's for the best.

Tell him there is NOTHING further to discuss.

And mean it.

Irridescantshimmmer · 21/05/2023 16:32

Just tell him, and his baboon mate to take a long walk off a short pier because he's belittling you, and attempting to undermine your confidence.

Or his actions will repeat themselves.

perfectcolourfound · 21/05/2023 16:35

Don't reply. Just leave it now.

Pinkbonbon · 21/05/2023 16:54

He's a headfucking psycho.

Now He's giving it the standard 'why won't you fight for us? booohooo'

Love should never be a 'fight'.

Can you drop his stuff round his mums house? 'Hey I'm splitting up with him but he keeps trying to stop me. You've never liked me much so take his stuff, then he has no reason to see me again'.

I mean you'll still get 'waaaah what about my xyz that's missing' for a while but just tell him to fuck off.

Seriously you gotta put your mean voice on. 'Just Fuck off already! I don't have to explain anything more to you. If you're genuinely too stupid to get it then, tough. But I don't believe you actually don't know why. Not for a second. We're over. No means no. You're stuff is at your mums place. If you bother me again I'm going to the police'.

And block him on everything. If he shows up, don't answer the door, just shout 'I'm calling the police'. And if he won't leave/comes back - call them.