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Original poster

Boyfriend throwing past mistakes in my face.

128 replies

Lunamolly3 · 20/05/2023 11:26

I would like some advice please, I feel like I am living with the enemy, whenever my boyfriend has had a few drinks he throws the past in my face, in the past we have had bad rows and I have put his stuff out several times.

The other night he was on the phone to someone and that other person started shouting abuse at me about what i've done etc etc. My boyfriend didn't defend me, he agreed with him. I have not been perfect and some of my past actions have been volatile and aggressive - throwing plates etc but I have apologised and am making an effort to change. I cannot get through to my boyfriend, how can he be in a relationship with me when he carries such resentment for me? I think our only option now is to break up. If he thinks I am such a monster - then why is he still with me?

OP posts:
Original poster
Lunamolly3 · 20/05/2023 13:46

GatoradeMeBitch · 20/05/2023 13:42

He is trying to get me to speak to him, trying to come back, I don't want any more drama and so I don't want to even reply. He doesn't understand why I am hurt and thinks he will just come back and things will continue. Is the most amicable thing to do bag his stuff up and wait for him to knock the door?

I expect he understands why you are hurt, he just doesn't want to deal with it.

Probably better to text him and arrange a time for him to come and pick up his things. Waiting for him to show up and then surprising him with his stuff bagged up might lead to another fight? Try and find the calmest option.

If I do this he will just collect some things and drag it out - he doesn't have a car

OP posts:
Original poster
Lunamolly3 · 20/05/2023 13:48

Badtasteflump · 20/05/2023 13:23

Ok I've not rtft....but do u have children together? If not cut your losses, end the relationship and take some time to build yourself a settled, happier life before you get into another relationship - preferably with some counselling or maybe the Freedom programme. It will be the biggest favour you could do for yourself.

No children together

OP posts:
LolaSmiles · 20/05/2023 13:51

Yes but if both partners forgive and put the past behind them then outsiders should stay out of the relationship as it just causes more hurt when people are trying to heal a relationship and move forward
Speaking in general ot takes a long time for friends and family to move past something like that.
Taking volatile behaviour/unhealthy relationships out the equation, it's why people who vent about every minor niggle in their relationship or bitch about their partner to friends/family often only have themselves to blame when their friends/family don't like their partner. Why would the friends/family have a positive view if they're regularly hearing how awful, useless, annoying the partner is?

In the case of your relationship it's an unhealthy and volatile relationship and neither of you are in a place as individuals where you could begin to resolve the range of issues going on. That's why you're better off splitting up.

perfectcolourfound · 20/05/2023 13:55

IF he genuinely feels you've behaved badly in the past, then he has two options

  • believe that you are sorry (and accept that he caused you to get angry), forgive you, apoligise for his own behaviour, and both agree to move on in a respectful relationship
  • leave

You are still stuck in a rut of thinking you are at fault in some way. You blame his mum, you say he doesn't know he's doing it, you blame your own behaviour.

Everything except blame him.

Do you understand that he is abusive?
Do you see that he caused you to get angry? You've never acted like that with anyone else - it's very likely that he deliberately got you angry (because he enjoys contolling you head / messing with you / it gives him something to blame you for and make you feel bad).
Do you see that if you are sorry about past behaviour, then so should he be? Has he apoligised to you for his behaviour?

He is abusive. He enjoys upsetting you. He enjoys getting other people to bully and upset you. He is playing with you. He doesn't love you. That is 100% clear in his actions. You don't hurt people you love. You don't bully them. You don't allow other people to upset them. You don't drag them downm criticise them and make them feel bad for something they did, and were sorry for.

Please believe us - he's got in your head and he's messing with it. You need some distance so you can start to really see it.

Original poster
Lunamolly3 · 20/05/2023 13:55

Lunamolly3 · 20/05/2023 13:46

If I do this he will just collect some things and drag it out - he doesn't have a car

Show quote history

If I text he sees it as weakness and a way to wheedle his way back in the door. He will be thinking, i've got away with it again - she's coming round.

OP posts:
perfectcolourfound · 20/05/2023 13:56

Absolutely. Don't give him a reason to think you're weakening. Can you bag his stuff up and leave it outside. Message him to say it's there, lock the door and block him.

Does he have a key? Can you have someone with you in case he tries to force or sweet-talk his way in?

Original poster
Lunamolly3 · 20/05/2023 13:59

perfectcolourfound · 20/05/2023 13:55

IF he genuinely feels you've behaved badly in the past, then he has two options

  • believe that you are sorry (and accept that he caused you to get angry), forgive you, apoligise for his own behaviour, and both agree to move on in a respectful relationship
  • leave

You are still stuck in a rut of thinking you are at fault in some way. You blame his mum, you say he doesn't know he's doing it, you blame your own behaviour.

Everything except blame him.

Do you understand that he is abusive?
Do you see that he caused you to get angry? You've never acted like that with anyone else - it's very likely that he deliberately got you angry (because he enjoys contolling you head / messing with you / it gives him something to blame you for and make you feel bad).
Do you see that if you are sorry about past behaviour, then so should he be? Has he apoligised to you for his behaviour?

He is abusive. He enjoys upsetting you. He enjoys getting other people to bully and upset you. He is playing with you. He doesn't love you. That is 100% clear in his actions. You don't hurt people you love. You don't bully them. You don't allow other people to upset them. You don't drag them downm criticise them and make them feel bad for something they did, and were sorry for.

Please believe us - he's got in your head and he's messing with it. You need some distance so you can start to really see it.

Allowing his friend to lay into me and then agreeing with him was crossing the line for me - I don't believe he could love me and let that happen. He occasionally acknowledges that he likes to push people's buttons but because I got physical I am always the wrong one, I took it to that level and that makes me the bad one.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lunamolly3 · 20/05/2023 14:00

perfectcolourfound · 20/05/2023 13:56

Absolutely. Don't give him a reason to think you're weakening. Can you bag his stuff up and leave it outside. Message him to say it's there, lock the door and block him.

Does he have a key? Can you have someone with you in case he tries to force or sweet-talk his way in?

I've done that before and he doesn't collect it, just accuses me of leaving his stuff out to be stolen.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lunamolly3 · 20/05/2023 14:00

Lunamolly3 · 20/05/2023 14:00

I've done that before and he doesn't collect it, just accuses me of leaving his stuff out to be stolen.

Show quote history

He doesn't have a key.

OP posts:
MzHz · 20/05/2023 14:02

Lunamolly3 · 20/05/2023 11:34

He could easily get someone else.

Show quote history

So could you.

trust me

bin this abusive fool and don’t look back.

end it today. You’ll be kicking yourself for that 24 hours you could have had back.

MzHz · 20/05/2023 14:03

Lunamolly3 · 20/05/2023 14:00

I've done that before and he doesn't collect it, just accuses me of leaving his stuff out to be stolen.

Show quote history

And none of this is a You Problem

let his stuff get stolen, it’s his stuff, if he doesn’t collect it, then that is on him.

LolaSmiles · 20/05/2023 14:03

I've done that before and he doesn't collect it, just accuses me of leaving his stuff out to be stolen.
You're not though.

You've told him his stuff is there.
He is capable of making arrangements to collect it. He could ask a friend to collect and store for him if he's unavailable.
If he chooses not to then that's on him.

If you have someone willing, they could drop it on HIS doorstep and then it's up to him what he does with it.

perfectcolourfound · 20/05/2023 14:11

But you aren't leaving hsi stuff out to be stolen. You're leaving it out for him to collect.

Just because he says something doesn't make it true.

It's great that he doesn't have a key.

He will keep trying to worm his way back in now. This is because he can sense you getting stronger and more resolved. He will realise he's losing control of you. He will want to prove to himself that he can still reel you in and control you and abuse you and get away with it. Don't fall for it. Don't fall for any (faked) apologies, or threats, or comments on how he could easily find another woman, or statements about you needing him, or declarations of love. They are fake. They are just a tool he will use to get back in control of you.

You need to stay resolved. You will get stronger every time you say 'no' to him or ignore him. His control over you will weaken. One step at a time you will get free of him.

erikbloodaxe · 20/05/2023 14:15

You are both abusive and being abused. It's not a relationship it's a shitshow.

perfectcolourfound · 20/05/2023 14:18

This is a good idea.

If you have someone willing, they could drop it on HIS doorstep and then it's up to him what he does with it.

Or if it isn't much stuff - could you put it in a taxi and send it to him?

If he comes back to collect his stuff he will use that as a way to reel you back in - you've told us that. Refusing to collect his things from outside is just another way of controlling you. Don't let him. Don't let him back in your house.

Original poster
Lunamolly3 · 20/05/2023 14:25

erikbloodaxe · 20/05/2023 14:15

You are both abusive and being abused. It's not a relationship it's a shitshow.

I know it is - I wanted to fix it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lunamolly3 · 20/05/2023 14:26

perfectcolourfound · 20/05/2023 14:18

This is a good idea.

If you have someone willing, they could drop it on HIS doorstep and then it's up to him what he does with it.

Or if it isn't much stuff - could you put it in a taxi and send it to him?

If he comes back to collect his stuff he will use that as a way to reel you back in - you've told us that. Refusing to collect his things from outside is just another way of controlling you. Don't let him. Don't let him back in your house.

Too much for a taxi, have told him to let me know when he wants to collect and am now being told that I left him in dirty clothes and I must have hated him for a long time to not have spoken to him for 4 days.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lunamolly3 · 20/05/2023 14:26

Lunamolly3 · 20/05/2023 14:26

Too much for a taxi, have told him to let me know when he wants to collect and am now being told that I left him in dirty clothes and I must have hated him for a long time to not have spoken to him for 4 days.

Show quote history

I shouldn't have messaged

OP posts:
LolaSmiles · 20/05/2023 14:32

Too much for a taxi, have told him to let me know when he wants to collect and am now being told that I left him in dirty clothes and I must have hated him for a long time to not have spoken to him for 4 days
You haven't left him in dirty clothes.
He has.

He could have washed the clothes he has. If I remember correctly you said he hasn't got a key so you don't live together. He'll have other clothes.

You've identified that this is not a healthy relationship and are rightly taking steps to end it.

How he responds is up to him
You are only responsible for your actions, not his actions and not his inaction.

TheShellBeach · 20/05/2023 14:33

LolaSmiles · 20/05/2023 14:32

Too much for a taxi, have told him to let me know when he wants to collect and am now being told that I left him in dirty clothes and I must have hated him for a long time to not have spoken to him for 4 days
You haven't left him in dirty clothes.
He has.

He could have washed the clothes he has. If I remember correctly you said he hasn't got a key so you don't live together. He'll have other clothes.

You've identified that this is not a healthy relationship and are rightly taking steps to end it.

How he responds is up to him
You are only responsible for your actions, not his actions and not his inaction.

EXACTLY

perfectcolourfound · 20/05/2023 14:34

Just assume that everything he says is rubbish. Designed to make you feel bad, sad or guilty. He knows in the past he's convinved you that you're a bad person and that has made you weak to his control. So he's trying that approach again now. It's tried and tested for him.

He's trying to guilt you. To weaken you. Stay strong. I know you want (and need) to minise contact with him. But the sooner you get rid of his stuff the sooner you can draw a line and move on.

I think in your shoes I would respond once, to say 'in the absence of you telling me when suits for you to collect your stuff, I'll leave it outside / in the shed / in the back garden tomorrow from xx am. If you don't collect it I'll assume you don't want it back and will send on to charity.'

Then block. And I suggest you go out for the day.

TheShellBeach · 20/05/2023 14:34

They're his clothes.
If he leaves them to get nicked, too fucking bad IMO.

Original poster
Lunamolly3 · 20/05/2023 14:36

LolaSmiles · 20/05/2023 14:32

Too much for a taxi, have told him to let me know when he wants to collect and am now being told that I left him in dirty clothes and I must have hated him for a long time to not have spoken to him for 4 days
You haven't left him in dirty clothes.
He has.

He could have washed the clothes he has. If I remember correctly you said he hasn't got a key so you don't live together. He'll have other clothes.

You've identified that this is not a healthy relationship and are rightly taking steps to end it.

How he responds is up to him
You are only responsible for your actions, not his actions and not his inaction.

I know, that's why I am not replying, I don't want to be dragged into it, everything is always my fault with him. He says he doesn't understand why I am being like this? I honestly don't know how he can be so oblivious. He's acting like a confused toddler, I don't want to argue or try to explain.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lunamolly3 · 20/05/2023 14:38

perfectcolourfound · 20/05/2023 14:34

Just assume that everything he says is rubbish. Designed to make you feel bad, sad or guilty. He knows in the past he's convinved you that you're a bad person and that has made you weak to his control. So he's trying that approach again now. It's tried and tested for him.

He's trying to guilt you. To weaken you. Stay strong. I know you want (and need) to minise contact with him. But the sooner you get rid of his stuff the sooner you can draw a line and move on.

I think in your shoes I would respond once, to say 'in the absence of you telling me when suits for you to collect your stuff, I'll leave it outside / in the shed / in the back garden tomorrow from xx am. If you don't collect it I'll assume you don't want it back and will send on to charity.'

Then block. And I suggest you go out for the day.

Yes, that's a good idea. He won't collect it though, but If I put it in the greenhouse at least it can't be ruined or stolen. If i say its going to charity he will threaten to call the Police.

OP posts:
notsayingmuch · 20/05/2023 14:41

Have you sent him a very clear message. Eg, 'the relationship between us is over. you need to take all your things now. no further contact is wanted.' He won't know that you are finally done until you tell him.