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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Boyfriend throwing past mistakes in my face.

128 replies

Lunamolly3 · 20/05/2023 11:26

I would like some advice please, I feel like I am living with the enemy, whenever my boyfriend has had a few drinks he throws the past in my face, in the past we have had bad rows and I have put his stuff out several times.

The other night he was on the phone to someone and that other person started shouting abuse at me about what i've done etc etc. My boyfriend didn't defend me, he agreed with him. I have not been perfect and some of my past actions have been volatile and aggressive - throwing plates etc but I have apologised and am making an effort to change. I cannot get through to my boyfriend, how can he be in a relationship with me when he carries such resentment for me? I think our only option now is to break up. If he thinks I am such a monster - then why is he still with me?

OP posts:
AgnesX · 20/05/2023 11:46

LolaSmiles · 20/05/2023 11:35

You've been aggressive and volatile in the relationship.
He's bringing it up after a few drinks.
You've had arguments that involve you putting his stuff out.

Why are either of you in this relationship?

And as an aside, I would not be getting over any boyfriend of mine being aggressive and throwing plates, and doubt my friends and family would get over it either, so whilst the friend shouldn't have been verbally abusive, I have some sympathy for his friend not being your biggest fan. If any of my friends said their romantic partner had been volatile and throwing plates in their relationship, I'd also be wary about the "I'm sorry, I've said I'm sorry let's just move on, I'm trying, why do you bring it up" approach.

If he can't forgive and is going to continue to cast up then they should break up. Either shit or get off the pot.

WandaWonder · 20/05/2023 11:49

I mentioned in another thread some people seem to live for drama this is an example, not sure why he or with toy or toy with him unless what I said is true

Lunamolly3 · 20/05/2023 11:49

Biscuitea · 20/05/2023 11:45

You need to end it. This is not the right relationship for you. He sounds nasty and unpleasant and he’s with you because he can be abusive to you and get his friends to join in. You’ll never win in this situation so as easy as it is for me to type, you need to think about how to extricate yourself from this and start afresh on your own.

I've been no angel though have I. I think I need to see a therapist because I really do feel like a really bad person and if I am one then I don't want to be in another relationship.

OP posts:
notsayingmuch · 20/05/2023 11:50

You say he wants to come home, how is it his home? Does he own the property or is he on the rental agreement? You might need legal advice. I would suggest sending him a message saying that you still need more time and put him off for at least a week until you have got things straight in your own mind.

Lunamolly3 · 20/05/2023 11:50

WandaWonder · 20/05/2023 11:49

I mentioned in another thread some people seem to live for drama this is an example, not sure why he or with toy or toy with him unless what I said is true

I think he has ADHD and causes drama. I just want a normal quiet life.

OP posts:
Lunamolly3 · 20/05/2023 11:53

AgnesX · 20/05/2023 11:46

If he can't forgive and is going to continue to cast up then they should break up. Either shit or get off the pot.

That's what I thought, If he wants to talk about the past then I could apologise etc and make assurances about the future. When you choose to continue a relationship after a bad falling out, aren't you taking them as they are, I'm not saying you forget the past but as long as they don't repeat the mistakes, shouldn't the past be left in the past? He has upset me and I let those memories fade and don't dwell on them.

OP posts:
Lunamolly3 · 20/05/2023 11:56

notsayingmuch · 20/05/2023 11:50

You say he wants to come home, how is it his home? Does he own the property or is he on the rental agreement? You might need legal advice. I would suggest sending him a message saying that you still need more time and put him off for at least a week until you have got things straight in your own mind.

Its my place, he can stay at his workplace. I feel like I don't want to see him, he needs to collect some things so I will have to at some point.

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 20/05/2023 11:57

The thing is though op...if you're dating someone who 'loves drama' and brings drama to your life and makes you act all dramatic ...then arguably you love drama too.

I think therapy would be wise. But you need to get rid of him first. You can't heel an injury with the knife still in the wound.

Pinkbonbon · 20/05/2023 11:58

*heal

LolaSmiles · 20/05/2023 12:02

If he can't forgive and is going to continue to cast up then they should break up. Either shit or get off the pot
Ordinarily I would agree, but I doubt any of us would give that advice to a woman in a relationship where her boyfriend has been volatile and thrown plates and says she drove him to it and she should have walked away before he started throwing things.

We see women in relationships on here all the time where their boyfriend is volatile but he says he's sorry, he wants to move on. And the advice is very different to this thread.

notsayingmuch · 20/05/2023 12:03

That's good, he can't legally demand access to your home. Can you collect up everything he has left so that the handover can be simple. He doesn't need to go around looking for things, you just give him a bag or leave it on the doorstep if you think things might escalate. Remove any drama from the interaction and keep yourself safe.

Lunamolly3 · 20/05/2023 12:03

perfectcolourfound · 20/05/2023 11:46

Why do you think he could 'easily' get someone else? Read your opening post again, describing him. He shouts abuse at you, he drags up the past, he can't control his drinking, he doesn't defend you when someone else abuses you.

He is far from a catch. Why would anyone want that for a boyfriend?

Yes you shouldn't have thrown things, but that isn't a reason to stick around and put up with his abuse. If you don't normally throw things at people then you have to assume it's him that brings out the worst in you. Perhaps his ongoing abuse drove you to it. Whatever the reason, it's a sign that you shouldn't be with him.

When you're with a good person in an equal relationship you NEVER feel the need to throw things, or to kick them out. You never feel threatened. They always defend you (and you them). You are a 'team', supporting each other, backing each other up. You make each others' lives happier, better.

Whatever reason for him being with you, you know it isn't love. Because you don't treat someone you love like that.

Please continue ignoring him. Block him. Don't reach out. Try to focus on other things. Healthier things. Work, friends, family, exercise, hobbies, etc.

If he contacts you, don't respond. Just ask yourself 'why is he contacting me? Is it a) because he's a lovely man who missed me and wants to apologise and make me happy? or
b) because he's a bully who can't control his drink and enjoys using me as an emotional punchbag until someone else comes along.

You deserve better.

What you described is exactly what I want. I am always telling him we should be a team - supporting each other. In his mind he does those things because I have been a bad partner. He tells me he loves me, but he probably can't because of the things I have done. I am being blamed for everything and am willing to accept maybe it is all my fault - but then, why doesn't he just leave. Why pretend to love someone you actually hate?

OP posts:
Lunamolly3 · 20/05/2023 12:05

notsayingmuch · 20/05/2023 12:03

That's good, he can't legally demand access to your home. Can you collect up everything he has left so that the handover can be simple. He doesn't need to go around looking for things, you just give him a bag or leave it on the doorstep if you think things might escalate. Remove any drama from the interaction and keep yourself safe.

There is a lot of stuff - Yes I can bag it up.

OP posts:
Lunamolly3 · 20/05/2023 12:08

Pinkbonbon · 20/05/2023 11:57

The thing is though op...if you're dating someone who 'loves drama' and brings drama to your life and makes you act all dramatic ...then arguably you love drama too.

I think therapy would be wise. But you need to get rid of him first. You can't heel an injury with the knife still in the wound.

I've never experienced anything like this before, never raised my voice, never been so very upset. He doesn't seem able to care.

OP posts:
perfectcolourfound · 20/05/2023 12:12

If that's what you want from a relationship - support, love, care, to be a 'team' - you aren't going to get it from this man.

You keep coming back to what you've done wrong, as though his actions are your fault. They are not. They are all on him. It's who he is.

For a start - when you say you've behaved badly in the past, what do you mean? Do you mean you cheated or hit him or told lies that hurt him?
Or do you mean that you responded aggressively to his abuse of you?

Because, if it's the former, then of course he's every right to not want to be with you, and you aren't right for each other.

If it's the latter, then can you see that you aren't the problem? He started the abuse. He is abusive. You responded to that, in a bad way for sure. But you wouldn't have thrown plates at a bf who treated you well.

And if he isn't happy with you / thinks you're a bad person, why does he stay around and abuse you? If you're so bad he wouldn't still be with you. HE'S the abusive one. He has created situations when you get angry or upset, then he uses your natural emotions against you. He's convinced you that you're bad. But your descriptions of him show that he's abusive.

When you are with a good person, in a good partnership, you never have these doubts. You know where your head is. You feel calm, and loved, and wanted. You feel important to them. You want each other to be happy. You trust each other. You don't shout and criticise and abuse. It just doesn't happen.

So the situation you're in - the only logical conclusion is that he's abusive and he's enjoying bullying and controlling you. That's how abusive people are. It's impossible to understand because decent people would never act that way.

You deserve better than this vile man. You really do. A bit of distance from him and you can get your head sorted and you will start to see him for what he is. You deserve love. You deserve kindness.

I would rather be single every day, than with a man like him.

Lunamolly3 · 20/05/2023 12:12

LolaSmiles · 20/05/2023 12:02

If he can't forgive and is going to continue to cast up then they should break up. Either shit or get off the pot
Ordinarily I would agree, but I doubt any of us would give that advice to a woman in a relationship where her boyfriend has been volatile and thrown plates and says she drove him to it and she should have walked away before he started throwing things.

We see women in relationships on here all the time where their boyfriend is volatile but he says he's sorry, he wants to move on. And the advice is very different to this thread.

It does look like double standards. I take responsibility for my actions - they were wrong, but as I said before they are not separate to the fact that some people enjoy emotionally hurting others. I have never ever behaved this way in the past. It is wrong and I have taken steps to change my behaviour, when he starts, I usually just go to bed now. I have turned the other cheek so many times in these past few months just to avoid an argument and escalation.

OP posts:
Lunamolly3 · 20/05/2023 12:16

perfectcolourfound · 20/05/2023 12:12

If that's what you want from a relationship - support, love, care, to be a 'team' - you aren't going to get it from this man.

You keep coming back to what you've done wrong, as though his actions are your fault. They are not. They are all on him. It's who he is.

For a start - when you say you've behaved badly in the past, what do you mean? Do you mean you cheated or hit him or told lies that hurt him?
Or do you mean that you responded aggressively to his abuse of you?

Because, if it's the former, then of course he's every right to not want to be with you, and you aren't right for each other.

If it's the latter, then can you see that you aren't the problem? He started the abuse. He is abusive. You responded to that, in a bad way for sure. But you wouldn't have thrown plates at a bf who treated you well.

And if he isn't happy with you / thinks you're a bad person, why does he stay around and abuse you? If you're so bad he wouldn't still be with you. HE'S the abusive one. He has created situations when you get angry or upset, then he uses your natural emotions against you. He's convinced you that you're bad. But your descriptions of him show that he's abusive.

When you are with a good person, in a good partnership, you never have these doubts. You know where your head is. You feel calm, and loved, and wanted. You feel important to them. You want each other to be happy. You trust each other. You don't shout and criticise and abuse. It just doesn't happen.

So the situation you're in - the only logical conclusion is that he's abusive and he's enjoying bullying and controlling you. That's how abusive people are. It's impossible to understand because decent people would never act that way.

You deserve better than this vile man. You really do. A bit of distance from him and you can get your head sorted and you will start to see him for what he is. You deserve love. You deserve kindness.

I would rather be single every day, than with a man like him.

Its always been a response to his behaviour - but aggression is never acceptable - I regret it. I really hate that I did that.

OP posts:
Newyeardietstartstomorrow · 20/05/2023 12:20

You are getting a bit of stick on this post op, which I don't think you deserve. Okay you threw some plates once, that doesn't make you a violent monster who should be chastised forever by your drunk dp and his mates. None of us are perfect, but some people just bring out the worst in us. Just turn him out, if he can get someone else let him, but you deserve better.

Newyeardietstartstomorrow · 20/05/2023 12:20

You are getting a bit of stick on this post op, which I don't think you deserve. Okay you threw some plates once, that doesn't make you a violent monster who should be chastised forever by your drunk dp and his mates. None of us are perfect, but some people just bring out the worst in us. Just turn him out, if he can get someone else let him, but you deserve better.

kingtamponthefurred · 20/05/2023 12:20

You may need to spend some time being single and working on yourself.

lunar1 · 20/05/2023 12:22

Take responsibility for your actions and leave the relationship, his behaviour pushed you to violence. That's never ok, and it's an easy fix to rectify if you no longer see him.

I'd probably say awful things to my friend about their partner if they had been violent too.

Freeballing · 20/05/2023 12:33

Newyeardietstartstomorrow · 20/05/2023 12:20

You are getting a bit of stick on this post op, which I don't think you deserve. Okay you threw some plates once, that doesn't make you a violent monster who should be chastised forever by your drunk dp and his mates. None of us are perfect, but some people just bring out the worst in us. Just turn him out, if he can get someone else let him, but you deserve better.

To be fair she hasn't said she threw plates once, she said I have not been perfect and some of my past actions have been volatile and aggressive - throwing plates etc

If we accept that someone can be responsible for someone else's behaviour like people are suggesting ie he made me do it then we have to accept that perhaps the OP is making her boyfriend act badly too.

Most of us have felt red hot, blood boiling rage at some point in our lives and most of us choose to walk away. We don't act 'volatile and aggressive' that is crossing a line. The relationship needs to end and the OP needs to make sure she doesn't cross those lines in future.

perfectcolourfound · 20/05/2023 12:35

So, your bad behaviour was a response to HIS initial bad behaviour.

Of course you wish you hadn't done it. But can you see that HE was the one who behaved badly first?

So why does he blame you now? Even if you behaved badly, you did it in response to him. Do you regularly throw his bad behaviour at him? And if not why not?

Why do you hold yourself to higher standards than him? Why do you think it's OK for him to abuse you, but when you respond you're in the wrong??

If he didn't like your response to his abuse, he could have stopped abusing you but he continued. And he continues to this day. Only one of you is being abuse now - him. He was always the one to start the aggressive, cruel behaviour. Then he abuses you further by punishing you over your response to being abused.

Does he bring up his own bad behavaiour regualrly? I bet he doesn't. Has he apologised for his poor behaviour in the past? I bet he hasn't. Or if he has, he didn't mean it as he continues to abuse you now. Why do you think he keeps bringing up your behaviour and not his own, which is and was much worse?

Are you able to get some therapy? It's clear that you've been convinved you are somehow to blame for his bullying and abuse. I really hope you can get enough distance from him to start seeing that HE is in the wrong. You responded badly, yes. You have no doubt apoligsed for that, and amended your behaviour. You can't do anymore than that. YSet he continues to be abusive and to make you feel as though you're in the wrong. It's scary he's done such a number on you.

I'll keep saying it - you deserve better. This man will grind you down until you don't know your own mind. You will grow in strength the further you get away from him.

MoreCheesecakeNow · 20/05/2023 12:44

@Lunamolly3 what you're describing is reactive abuse. It's a common response to crazy making behaviour, especially since you say no one else triggers this response in you. So logically it must be him. You are reacting to his abuse with abuse.
The whole relationship is toxic and you need to leave him and get into therapy. CBT might be good as it helps you change the way you think in certain situations.
He in himself sounds like a toxic person with the out of control drinking and his friend is no peach either because he doesn't know what goes on in your relationship. Only the people in the relationship actually know what it's like.
Everyone else only gets a snapshot.

Pinkbonbon · 20/05/2023 12:52

Op you do know there are plenty of people eho stay with people thry 'hate'. Abusive men for example. Which it sounds like he is.

They stay because you are their victim and they enjoy winding you up/hurting you/driving you crazy/turning you into someone you aren't.

You're asking 'why would a lamb eat another lamb?'. Of course it doesn't make sense. Because he isn't a lamb. He's a lion.

Just because you think people stay in relationships because of love, doesn't mean that's what's real in practice.

You could also argue that you don't love him either. You hate him. You hate everything he has done to you and you hate the person you've become whilst with him.

You stay because you keep hoping the thing that broke you will fix you. Because it would be so much easier if he would just change into a decent human being. But he's not that person. And you're not that person with him.