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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriend throwing past mistakes in my face.

128 replies

Lunamolly3 · 20/05/2023 11:26

I would like some advice please, I feel like I am living with the enemy, whenever my boyfriend has had a few drinks he throws the past in my face, in the past we have had bad rows and I have put his stuff out several times.

The other night he was on the phone to someone and that other person started shouting abuse at me about what i've done etc etc. My boyfriend didn't defend me, he agreed with him. I have not been perfect and some of my past actions have been volatile and aggressive - throwing plates etc but I have apologised and am making an effort to change. I cannot get through to my boyfriend, how can he be in a relationship with me when he carries such resentment for me? I think our only option now is to break up. If he thinks I am such a monster - then why is he still with me?

OP posts:
LolaSmiles · 20/05/2023 12:54

It does look like double standards. I take responsibility for my actions - they were wrong, but as I said before they are not separate to the fact that some people enjoy emotionally hurting others. I have never ever behaved this way in the past. It is wrong and I have taken steps to change my behaviour, when he starts, I usually just go to bed now. I have turned the other cheek so many times in these past few months just to avoid an argument and escalation
I'm sure you have OP.

I was just saying I understand why friends of your boyfriend aren't quick to let it drop. I wouldn't if it was any of my friends and I doubt any of my friends would take the approach of forgive and forget either.

It's not a happy or healthy relationship for either of you to be in.

TheDalaiShawarma · 20/05/2023 12:55

I think you are getting some harsh responses on here OP, but unless you’ve been in this situation, it’s hard to understand.

I get it. I had a boyfriend around 15 years ago who enjoyed bullying, needling, and winding me up to the extent I lost my shit. This often resulted in me screaming at him and becoming verbally aggressive. He would then use this to justify his poor treatment of me - I was a shitty, awful, terrible and disgusting person, look at the proof! It was abusive and it was bullying.

I’ve never ever lost my rag like that in a relationship before then, or since. Anyone who knows me would be shocked and disbelieving of it, because I’m known to be such a chilled out, calm person. I didn’t, and don’t, recognise the person I was with him.

we all have a limit, where if pushed to it, we’ll snap. Some peoples are shorter than others (those with very short limits have true anger issues and need help) but we all have one. Unfortunately, some abusers enjoy discovering their victim’s limits and pushing them to them, over and over again. It’s a power play to them.

Please leave him and never contact him again. Take some time out to figure yourself out, recover and heal.

You are not the person he turns you into.

Mari9999 · 20/05/2023 12:56

OP, neither of you sound particularly stable and clearly neither of you brings out the best in the other. This seems like a relationship from which both of you should happily walk away.

Biscuitea · 20/05/2023 13:00

It’s a classic tactic of abusers to make you think you drove them to it and that you caused it or deserve it.

don’t blame yourself for his behaviour, that’s his responsibility

SamphiretheTervosaurReturneth · 20/05/2023 13:03

Lunamolly3 · 20/05/2023 11:39

Yes, but I have also behaved badly, I know I have.

Show quote history

Yes, you have. But that doesn't mean you have to stay with him

Put him out. Make him just another if the mistakes you made in your past.

Then work on your own self esteem.

OhComeOnFFS · 20/05/2023 13:07

He's really not good for you and brings out the worst in you, too, if you've reached the point of throwing things. He sounds horrible, tbh. He's disloyal to you and treats you badly. You deserve much better than him. Bag up his stuff and send it back to him, then spend some time (months) working on yourself before you start another relationship.

PrinceHaz · 20/05/2023 13:11

Stop trying to get through to him. You never, never will get though to him. You will never make him behave as if he sees your point of view.
You imply that you should remain in this impasse because you’ve been bad in the past. You don’t have to. There’s no need to punish yourself. You need to split up, from what I can tell.

Nearamir · 20/05/2023 13:12

Break up with him and give yourself a fresh start with a clean slate.

GatoradeMeBitch · 20/05/2023 13:16

Nothing good is going to come from this relationship. Stop trying to analyze it. It's a waste of time. You are not going to magically get an answer to one of your why's which will make everything perfect. The relationship is ruined and toxic.

I think the best thing you can is try to break up as amicably as possible so that you don't keep the toxic cycle going by trying to hurt each other after the break-up. Then get therapy. Focus on yourself. Get a fresh start.

Original poster
Lunamolly3 · 20/05/2023 13:16

lunar1 · 20/05/2023 12:22

Take responsibility for your actions and leave the relationship, his behaviour pushed you to violence. That's never ok, and it's an easy fix to rectify if you no longer see him.

I'd probably say awful things to my friend about their partner if they had been violent too.

Yes but if both partners forgive and put the past behind them then outsiders should stay out of the relationship as it just causes more hurt when people are trying to heal a relationship and move forward.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lunamolly3 · 20/05/2023 13:18

TheDalaiShawarma · 20/05/2023 12:55

I think you are getting some harsh responses on here OP, but unless you’ve been in this situation, it’s hard to understand.

I get it. I had a boyfriend around 15 years ago who enjoyed bullying, needling, and winding me up to the extent I lost my shit. This often resulted in me screaming at him and becoming verbally aggressive. He would then use this to justify his poor treatment of me - I was a shitty, awful, terrible and disgusting person, look at the proof! It was abusive and it was bullying.

I’ve never ever lost my rag like that in a relationship before then, or since. Anyone who knows me would be shocked and disbelieving of it, because I’m known to be such a chilled out, calm person. I didn’t, and don’t, recognise the person I was with him.

we all have a limit, where if pushed to it, we’ll snap. Some peoples are shorter than others (those with very short limits have true anger issues and need help) but we all have one. Unfortunately, some abusers enjoy discovering their victim’s limits and pushing them to them, over and over again. It’s a power play to them.

Please leave him and never contact him again. Take some time out to figure yourself out, recover and heal.

You are not the person he turns you into.

I have to remind myself that that behaviour is not really me, I've never done it before. I don't recognise myself, I am ashamed admitting it on here.

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 20/05/2023 13:21

Lunamolly3 · 20/05/2023 12:08

I've never experienced anything like this before, never raised my voice, never been so very upset. He doesn't seem able to care.

Show quote history

I get the feeling that you lose control of your temper because it feels like the only way to show your distress to him.
Have you thrown things at other people in the past, or is it just him?

Badtasteflump · 20/05/2023 13:23

Ok I've not rtft....but do u have children together? If not cut your losses, end the relationship and take some time to build yourself a settled, happier life before you get into another relationship - preferably with some counselling or maybe the Freedom programme. It will be the biggest favour you could do for yourself.

Original poster
Lunamolly3 · 20/05/2023 13:23

GatoradeMeBitch · 20/05/2023 13:16

Nothing good is going to come from this relationship. Stop trying to analyze it. It's a waste of time. You are not going to magically get an answer to one of your why's which will make everything perfect. The relationship is ruined and toxic.

I think the best thing you can is try to break up as amicably as possible so that you don't keep the toxic cycle going by trying to hurt each other after the break-up. Then get therapy. Focus on yourself. Get a fresh start.

He is trying to get me to speak to him, trying to come back, I don't want any more drama and so I don't want to even reply. He doesn't understand why I am hurt and thinks he will just come back and things will continue. Is the most amicable thing to do bag his stuff up and wait for him to knock the door?

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 20/05/2023 13:23

Ah, I've just seen your previous answer.
So it's only this man's behaviour that provokes you to this extent?
You need to split up permanently. He is being cruel.

Pinkbonbon · 20/05/2023 13:24

OhComeOnFFS · 20/05/2023 13:07

He's really not good for you and brings out the worst in you, too, if you've reached the point of throwing things. He sounds horrible, tbh. He's disloyal to you and treats you badly. You deserve much better than him. Bag up his stuff and send it back to him, then spend some time (months) working on yourself before you start another relationship.

I'd say at least 2 years.

Thats the soonest you should realistically look to even start dating again after being in a relationship like this.

You gotta take time single to process and then spend a fuck ton of time reading up on how to recgonise abuse in dating in future.

You also have to address any underlying issues that may have contributed to staying in this relationship. For example if there is codependecy in your nature. Or if you had parents that were similarly abusive and you just don't know what constitutes a normal relationship.

2 years is a bare minimum.
Honestly it might sound like overkill but until you recover, address underlying issues and work very hard at learning how to spot abuse in future AND know you can trust yourself to walk away at the first signs of it, you need to be single.

And even then, be prepared to attract more jerks because there's lots of them out there. So it might take time to find a decent, loving partner. You have to get very comfortable being single. So that it's not hard to go back to, should old patterns arrise.

Couldn't harm to seek therapy and do the freedom programme and learn everything there is to know about narcissists (npd) and similar too.

You'll get there, it'll be a slog. But seriously, get him out and take the time single. Do the self work.

Original poster
Lunamolly3 · 20/05/2023 13:25

TheShellBeach · 20/05/2023 13:21

I get the feeling that you lose control of your temper because it feels like the only way to show your distress to him.
Have you thrown things at other people in the past, or is it just him?

Show quote history

I have never ever done that before, ever, sometimes when I think about it, I can't believe it was even me that did that.

OP posts:
Badtasteflump · 20/05/2023 13:25

"Yes but if both partners forgive and put the past behind them then outsiders should stay out of the relationship as it just causes more hurt when people are trying to heal a relationship and move forward".

But your partner clearly has neither forgiven or moved on, or he wouldn't be egging his mate on.

Original poster
Lunamolly3 · 20/05/2023 13:29

Badtasteflump · 20/05/2023 13:25

"Yes but if both partners forgive and put the past behind them then outsiders should stay out of the relationship as it just causes more hurt when people are trying to heal a relationship and move forward".

But your partner clearly has neither forgiven or moved on, or he wouldn't be egging his mate on.

I know and that's why the relationship has no future. He can't forgive - and that's understandable but then he should walk away. I can't change the past.

OP posts:
Goodread1 · 20/05/2023 13:29

If a relationship is as volatile toxic dysfunctional as this its time for you to split up move on,

I do strongly suspect even if you were not volatile ect throwing plates, this type of man, would be emotionally abusive and manipulative in some way,

If someone makes you feel or act out of character it's a massive red banner ,red flag that this is a relationship not worth salvageable, just not worth it...

Move on,

There is much better out there,

the fact he is using the fact he has instigated , wound you up so much ,that you explode like that,

he sounds like he is in his element getting a kick out of this kinds of dramas and enjoying being seen as being a martyr , a Saint.

perfectcolourfound · 20/05/2023 13:30

Lunamolly3 · 20/05/2023 13:16

Yes but if both partners forgive and put the past behind them then outsiders should stay out of the relationship as it just causes more hurt when people are trying to heal a relationship and move forward.

Show quote history

Yes but that doesn't apply in your case. Your bf hasn't forgiven you. He keeps bringing it up and using it as a stick to (metaphorically) beat you with. He contines to make you feel guilty over something you did, while handily ignoring all his own behaviour.

PLUS this isn't about the past. Your bf is treating you badly still.

TheShellBeach · 20/05/2023 13:31

Lunamolly3 · 20/05/2023 13:25

I have never ever done that before, ever, sometimes when I think about it, I can't believe it was even me that did that.

Show quote history

Okay, so you absolutely need to end this relationship.
He is provoking you because he can.
I wouldn't worry about years of therapy either.
With the right partner, this aggression on your part won't happen.

Just call time on this horrible man, once and for all.

Original poster
Lunamolly3 · 20/05/2023 13:31

Goodread1 · 20/05/2023 13:29

If a relationship is as volatile toxic dysfunctional as this its time for you to split up move on,

I do strongly suspect even if you were not volatile ect throwing plates, this type of man, would be emotionally abusive and manipulative in some way,

If someone makes you feel or act out of character it's a massive red banner ,red flag that this is a relationship not worth salvageable, just not worth it...

Move on,

There is much better out there,

the fact he is using the fact he has instigated , wound you up so much ,that you explode like that,

he sounds like he is in his element getting a kick out of this kinds of dramas and enjoying being seen as being a martyr , a Saint.

Yes, he will not accept the part he has played. He also has his mother and the mother of his child insulting me as well. I think he enjoys emotionally hurting me - I don't think he know he does consciously, but deep down he does.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lunamolly3 · 20/05/2023 13:35

perfectcolourfound · 20/05/2023 13:30

Yes but that doesn't apply in your case. Your bf hasn't forgiven you. He keeps bringing it up and using it as a stick to (metaphorically) beat you with. He contines to make you feel guilty over something you did, while handily ignoring all his own behaviour.

PLUS this isn't about the past. Your bf is treating you badly still.

Show quote history

I know. Always dredging up the past, I can understand he may be still hurt and I think his mother has been adding fuel to that fire but surely when you decide to continue a relationship its because you believe you can move forward and do better.

OP posts:
GatoradeMeBitch · 20/05/2023 13:42

He is trying to get me to speak to him, trying to come back, I don't want any more drama and so I don't want to even reply. He doesn't understand why I am hurt and thinks he will just come back and things will continue. Is the most amicable thing to do bag his stuff up and wait for him to knock the door?

I expect he understands why you are hurt, he just doesn't want to deal with it.

Probably better to text him and arrange a time for him to come and pick up his things. Waiting for him to show up and then surprising him with his stuff bagged up might lead to another fight? Try and find the calmest option.