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Original poster

In laws and DP wider family very unhappy with him supporting me

310 replies

WellitsNotideal · 18/05/2023 11:55

When they should actually be proud of him ?!!!

DP has taken a 5 year break to be my carer. His idea. His choice. Nothing else was working we had tried the alternative of a cleaner/ childcare / other help with things but it got so obvious that actually he needed to be here full time.

It’s not forever just till the baby is school age.

MIL has said ‘well it’s not ideal is it ? I didn’t want my son to end up a carer at his age’

FIL has said that I’m effectively abusive and should give DP a ‘get out clause’

BIL and SIL are suddenly up in arms about being taxpayers and funding my ‘lifestyle choice’

Not one of the above offered any help or practical support or emotional support at any point in the last few months but they are all very quick to offer criticism.

I feel like they’d rather watch us struggle well watch me struggle. DP can re enter work at any point it won’t be detrimental to his career it’s just a break. I’m just feeling so annoyed as felt the weight lifted when he said what he planned and now it’s all just come back down and I’m feeling judged

OP posts:
speakout · 18/05/2023 20:10

Being an unpaid carer is relentless. Often carers assume the role with no great understanding of the magnitude or impact of the situation- that often becomes clearer with time. A caring role impacts many areas of life. Finance, career, social life, physical and mental health.
The focus is often on the person needing care but their life is not more important that the life and welfare of a carer.

Over40Overdating · 18/05/2023 20:35

@Bababear987 well clearly you have not read all of OPs posts where she very clearly gives details of her conditions including physical, in your hurry to tell her how wrong she is because you don’t think she warrants a carer and you wouldn’t do the same in her shoes.

Your opinion on not having your husband be your carer would be your choice. It’s not the OPs. If your decision is to be respected why not the OPs?

I am very glad I am not married to or a family member of many of the posters on here.

purplecorkheart · 18/05/2023 20:38

OP what is the plan if your family's business goes out of business? I am not sure if it is the same but in Ireland businesses that have been established and profitable are closing everyday. What happens if your family business does not exist in five year time? With jobs being automated etc will your dp be realistically be able to get a job with a five year gap in his cv in his 40s that would support a family of three?

ladykale · 18/05/2023 20:39

lakesummer · 18/05/2023 13:18

I would feel sad for either of my dc if they ended up being a full time carer in most situations.

Because it usually leads to a very limited family income, a restricted social life, poor pension prospects and stepping away from a career.

That doesn't mean that I wouldn't respect my dc for taking on this difficult role but I wouldn't choose it for them.

Their response is horrible, but I agree with this poster.

Is it really the only option? Would his job prospects if he continued even part time lead to higher salary so that you could afford some paid help instead of him quitting work

Are benefits & carers allowance enough to fund your life??

5 years is a very long career break and he may struggle to get back in at a similar level

ladykale · 18/05/2023 20:40

@Wenfy

In cases of anxiety and depression it’s safer for the kids to have the other parent at home.

All very nice, but who funds their life then??

ladykale · 18/05/2023 20:43

Over40Overdating · 18/05/2023 14:19

For those who would be disappointed in their children becoming carers - does that include caring for you as you get older?
Caring for any disabled children they might have?

If your children are too precious and important to become carers, who should?

Yes it does! I would hate my child to be a full time carer and would hope that my savings or even their career earnings would far outstrip the cost of any carer.

Carers are often paid about £12-14ph. I hope my kids are earning way more than that per hour

ladydimitrescu · 18/05/2023 20:58

@ladykale you have wildly unrealistic expectations about pay

usererror99 · 18/05/2023 21:06

If I'm being completely and brutally honest yes I'd be a bit 😳 if my son gave up work for 5 years to take care of a wife with "anxiety and depression" and who was feeling overwhelmed when caring for the kids that they chose to have? And also I suspect there is some feeling there that since it's a family business that he feels that he can take 5 years off and waltz back in when he feels like it. It's not something you could do working for any other employer

Over40Overdating · 18/05/2023 21:18

@ladykale so it would be awful for your kids to be earning that rate (which is much higher than actual carers pay) but not someone else’s kids.

You’ve just articulated why people have such a problem with the concept of OP’s partner stopping work to care for her - because it’s low paid, hard, unrelenting work that ‘other’ people should do.
Not men, not men with important jobs, not your children. Some ‘other’ who will be happy to be paid a pittance and grateful for it.

Very often there is no ‘other’, which is precisely why loved ones often have to fill the gap.

So as well as being ableist, many of you are also being classist about who should be happy to be a carer and who is too ‘good’ for it.

MySugarBabyLove · 18/05/2023 21:23

I suspect that your inlaws view this as a lifestyle choice because you’ve essentially put a timescale on it. As if you’re only going to be disabled for the next five years and after that everything is going to magically change.

When actually either your DP will end up giving up work altogether to the financial detriment of the family, or your children will end up as young carers if he goes back to work.

If a woman posted here that she was giving up her job to be a carer for her partner who she is not married to, people would be urging caution.

Illness and being a carer absolutely does put a strain on relationships. It’s not a given that you would split but it’s not guaranteed that you won’t either. And then what? Financially he’ll be in a difficult situation, no job, no job to go back to since you’ll be split so your family won’t want him back in their business, and he could quite legitimately argue that as you need a carer and he is said carer, the children will be better off living with him with you maybe having some access if you’re unable to look after them alone.

I would urge caution for both of you, and i would do the same if the roles were reversed.

On the face of it he’s a clearly genuine person if he’s really prepared to do this and you haven’t talked him into it.

But looking deeper it has the potential for disaster. That’s not a judgement, but you should never go into these situations without considering all the possibilities.

Hollyppp · 18/05/2023 21:50

I agree with this PP

Hollyppp · 18/05/2023 21:52

usererror99 · 18/05/2023 21:06

If I'm being completely and brutally honest yes I'd be a bit 😳 if my son gave up work for 5 years to take care of a wife with "anxiety and depression" and who was feeling overwhelmed when caring for the kids that they chose to have? And also I suspect there is some feeling there that since it's a family business that he feels that he can take 5 years off and waltz back in when he feels like it. It's not something you could do working for any other employer

*sorry agree with this PP!!

Original poster
WellitsNotideal · 18/05/2023 21:53

The 5 years was just what we thought was best because then our youngest will be settled in school and it coincides with DM retirement and she has said then she will be available more so it seemed like a good time frame

OP posts:
MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 18/05/2023 22:00

My DB became full time cater to my SIL who then ultimately died of MND

I couldn't be more proud of him.

At no time did any of my family think 'oh well this isn't ideal is it'.

His family sound vile
Your husband however sounds fab

brunettemic · 18/05/2023 23:02

So, I can see both sides but they’re being idiots. Obviously I don’t know the full details but I can understand why on one hand they might have had hopes they wanted their son to fulfil. On the other hand it’s not like he’s given up on a career fully or done it frivolously, he’s done it for someone else and his family, which is admirable. If they are disappointed for whatever reason though they should just keep it to themselves.

dogsanddolphines · 19/05/2023 20:28

starfishmummy · 18/05/2023 14:31

It doesn't matter. The OP had kids that she was able to look after. It's unfortunate that things habe changed since then, but an accident is hardly predictable.

Show quote history

Where did I say that it did?

dogsanddolphines · 19/05/2023 20:31

usererror99 · 18/05/2023 21:06

If I'm being completely and brutally honest yes I'd be a bit 😳 if my son gave up work for 5 years to take care of a wife with "anxiety and depression" and who was feeling overwhelmed when caring for the kids that they chose to have? And also I suspect there is some feeling there that since it's a family business that he feels that he can take 5 years off and waltz back in when he feels like it. It's not something you could do working for any other employer

It's the OP's family business - they are presumably happy their daughter has married such a good man!
OP I don't know whether perhaps his family thinks he's too tied to yours. But I'm not surprised given such vile behaviour from them.

dogsanddolphines · 19/05/2023 20:39

Over40Overdating · 18/05/2023 21:18

@ladykale so it would be awful for your kids to be earning that rate (which is much higher than actual carers pay) but not someone else’s kids.

You’ve just articulated why people have such a problem with the concept of OP’s partner stopping work to care for her - because it’s low paid, hard, unrelenting work that ‘other’ people should do.
Not men, not men with important jobs, not your children. Some ‘other’ who will be happy to be paid a pittance and grateful for it.

Very often there is no ‘other’, which is precisely why loved ones often have to fill the gap.

So as well as being ableist, many of you are also being classist about who should be happy to be a carer and who is too ‘good’ for it.

That poster is being ridiculous about pay rates. But if we're talking unpaid carers, it makes more sense for a lower earner to quit, than a higher earner. Reason being on benefits etc the money coming in might be closer to the former's salary anyway. And they can't afford to buy in help, but the latter can.

OP's DH is in a unique position - assuming, of course said family business is still around. Personally I wouldn't be happy if my son did it, but I'd also be doing my utmost to help out so that he wouldn't have to! What I certainly wouldn't do is sit back and mouth off.

IsItHalfTermYetHelp · 19/05/2023 20:50

I also have multiple physical health issues (inc immune suppression) and mental health issues. I wouldn’t want my dh to give up work to care for my children, I’d much prefer to keep him working and use paid help to enable that. You haven’t said that you need personal care just that you’re unable to care for the children so I’m not clear why there isn’t a paid childcare solution that would work if dh did drop offs
and pickups in the same way that a lone parent would. That would leave you the days free to rest and keep an income for your family.

lakesummer · 19/05/2023 20:58

Over40Overdating · 18/05/2023 21:18

@ladykale so it would be awful for your kids to be earning that rate (which is much higher than actual carers pay) but not someone else’s kids.

You’ve just articulated why people have such a problem with the concept of OP’s partner stopping work to care for her - because it’s low paid, hard, unrelenting work that ‘other’ people should do.
Not men, not men with important jobs, not your children. Some ‘other’ who will be happy to be paid a pittance and grateful for it.

Very often there is no ‘other’, which is precisely why loved ones often have to fill the gap.

So as well as being ableist, many of you are also being classist about who should be happy to be a carer and who is too ‘good’ for it.

I think this is largely nonsense. I worked as a support worker/carer for five years. I enjoyed my job moving on only once I had my MA/professional qualification sorted. (Although I did have several promotions during that time and was full time management by the end.)

There is the world of difference between having a job with pay, sick pay, annual leave and training and being at home as a full time carer for a family member.
Your job is a job not the whole of your lived life.

dogsanddolphines · 19/05/2023 21:00

IsItHalfTermYetHelp · 19/05/2023 20:50

I also have multiple physical health issues (inc immune suppression) and mental health issues. I wouldn’t want my dh to give up work to care for my children, I’d much prefer to keep him working and use paid help to enable that. You haven’t said that you need personal care just that you’re unable to care for the children so I’m not clear why there isn’t a paid childcare solution that would work if dh did drop offs
and pickups in the same way that a lone parent would. That would leave you the days free to rest and keep an income for your family.

The baby is bringing back illness. A solo nanny etc is very expensive so maybe that's why?

IsItHalfTermYetHelp · 19/05/2023 21:15

dogsanddolphines · 19/05/2023 21:00

The baby is bringing back illness. A solo nanny etc is very expensive so maybe that's why?

Show quote history

Even secondary age kids bring back germs though so unless they’re going to homeschool that won’t change.

LadyJ2023 · 19/05/2023 21:31

I'm not seeing why you need a carer jist picking up in childcare

Armyuni · 20/05/2023 00:50

I am so sorry you have health conditions but you are making your family life revolve around you and have no regard for the long ter. Your partner can’t just check out of a career for five YEARS!!! Your youngest can’t go to nursery because they might make you ill (that will remain so in primary school btw - so what’s the plan then - is your DH gonna have to homeschool on top of everything else?), your partner stays home to pick up the slack. You don’t need personal care - washing, toilet etc - so why are u limiting your partner like this. Get hired help and let him fly. You are selfish and he is downtrodden.

Katiereinvented · 20/05/2023 01:05

OP, you have disabilities but you are limiting your partner and child. You do NOT pull your kid out of nursery because they might pass bugs onto you - they will do throughout schooling. Are you planning to homeschool (well you clearly won’t but are you expecting your partner to do that on top of everything else?). You are rather self-obsessed tbh and have at no point on this thread weighed up the consequences for your partner or child.