DH has invested / gambled away our life savings

[newnamechangeforme]

Hi, my DH and I have been married for 7 years and we have a 3yo. Husband works in a high-earning city job. I teach and have been part-time since going back after maternity leave.

Our household income is higher than average due to DH's job, and I caveat this whole post by saying we are very fortunate. I've never taken anything for granted through and neither of us come from well off backgrounds.

Having said that we live in London, and costs are high so it's all relative. We own a 2-bed flat and we're hoping to be able to afford a small 3-bed house but not for another few years while we save up as you need at least £1.2m for that which we are nowhere near. DH receives annual bonus which can be a really big chunk of money, and we have been planning to save these up for a decent deposit.

Anyway, DH confessed to me last week that he had lost almost all of our savings - £30k. He has been "investing" in things like NFT's and crypto. He also took out two loans without telling me and so we are now £75k in debt. Apparently he was desperately trying to make it right and get the money back before I found out, and got into this mess.

I was obviously angry and beyond furious / hurt / betrayed. I've been through all the emotions and we've talked at length.

To cut a long story short, DH did this before with his bonus a couple of years ago. It was about £30k at the time and again we were planning on saving it for a deposit. We went through a terrible time of it but came through it with DH saying he'd learnt his lesson and I really thought he had. Fast forward to last weeks confession.

DH says he thinks he has a gambling problem (even though it's technically investing not sports gambling he says the highs and lows are essentially the same). He is sorry and has found a therapist specialising in addictive behaviours. He came to this conclusion by himself without my input. He is saying that any future bonus's should come into my bank account or into our shared account so I can see everything (he previously had it in his own account). I've suggested that his salary also be paid into our joint account from now on as up till now it's gone into his and then he sets up a standing order to our joint account for household expenses / joint spending. Basically I need oversight of everything. He agrees.

I have been furious but am now at the stage where I'm trying to look forward, and holding into our marriage vows. He is sorry and keeps telling me, and I can see he is deeply upset and hates himself. I think the therapy is a good step.

The problem is we now owe interest on the loans he took out and he maxed out our overdraft facility. It's to the tune of £400 a month. This is money we don't have so we are looking at what can be done. Ironically me giving up work and reducing nursery fees might actually give us the cash, but I hated being a SAHM full time and I worry my resentment will boil over if I have to do this. Instead I'm trying to look at all the cut backs we can make with grocery shopping, food, etc etc.

Not sure if anyone's been through this before? How can I / we make this work? Not just financially but as a couple / family? My husband is otherwise a decent guy but it seems he clearly has a massive problem. In my darkest moments last week I did see that this could tear us apart but I don't want that. Despite everything I love him and I want our family to stay together - we have been very happy and DD is a happy child. I don't want this to spoil it and I'm furious with him for potentially wrecking it all. I have therapy already so I'm going to make sure I can offload about the impact of this on me.

Anyway sorry if this is a confused rant. Does anyone have any tips for us / me?

@Usernamen but they can't just pay the interest, they need to pay off the loan itself otherwise they will be paying interest forever.. so it's not just the £400/month to worry about

Total derail but I am pleasantly surprised to learn that there is a banker in the City who got married age 23 and became a father at 27. The ones I’ve dated were such fuckboys 😅

The OP’s post is specifically about the £400 interest though?

The £75k can be paid off with 2x bonus if his bonus is more than £30k net, so can be cleared in a couple of years.

Same. To the point it’s one of the most surprising parts of the thread.

"... I am not just going to walk away at the first setback....." absolutely OP but you didnt walk away after the first set back did you? you stayed "....To cut a long story short, DH did this before with his bonus a couple of years ago....." So this isnt the first time he has done it, its the second time, that you know of. Look at the end of the day, its your relationship, your risk, your issue. you asked for advice and help, you have been given honest opinions. You dont like them and you dont agree with them again fair enough. but please print off this thread, put it in an envelope and stick it in a drawer. because when this happens again AND IT WILL you can just open up the envelope and reread the advice and maybe next time will be in a better place to take it on board. You shouldnt underestimate how unattractive being the person controlling the finances is going to become. he will start badgering you, accusing you of things etc. you are being forced into the role of being the parent and no one wants to have sex with their parent. read up on it, all this information is all out there in books and on the internet. we arent making it up.

This isn't the first set back though, is it?

He did this a couple of years ago.

You are sounding like a lot of women who have absolutely no real idea of the beast they are up against.

He's a compulsive gambler who has lost £135k THAT YOU KNOW OF, by the time her was 30.

Do a credit check.

Take 100% control of all monies.

Check there isn't debt against your flat.

Warn your morgage holder.

Protect yourself.

Gamblers are liars.

They steal from their childrens savings when they are in the grips of it.

Go to GamAnon and educate yourself.

YOU cannot fix this, or him.

I have spoken to GamCare this morning and got lots of help. This was from the perspective of helping me as his wife.

GamCare said we are taking the right steps with his therapy and me controlling finances.

We are going to set up credit alerts as a warning in case he makes any future applications - I would be alerted.

Husband is also accessing free support there off his own back, and is using a Gambloc to stop access to all apps - this now includes things like crypto trading apps as well as gambling.

Good start.

Put yourself and your child first in all your actions, not him.

He has the capacity to do you huge financial harm.

Don't ever forget that.

His feverish fervent apologies, and tears, will mean nothing to you, if he ends up putting you into poverty.

Never forget that.

Oh and meetings for family members of addicts can be very helpful.

Only someone going through it, understands fully and completely, YOUR complicated emotions.

Mind yourself.
You are under huge stress and a very young woman.

@newnamechangeforme have you spoken to any friends or family about what is going on? Addictions thrive with being kept secret.

You are a similar age to my children (I’m old!) and I’d want to know if they were facing similar difficulties.

Thank you. @Kugela no I haven't shared with family as they are not kind or supportive. They are judgemental and it would be awful.

However we are now having marriage counselling, on top of therapy for me. Plus I have accessed GamCare today. So I have shared and will have space to share each week.

Husband and I are going to have a weekly coffee date where we share everything (eg he has felt urge to trade or I have felt resentful etc).

@newnamechangeforme I’m glad to hear you’ve got the right kind of support from GamCare as well as getting counselling. You need a safe space to be able to talk freely

I am not going to leave him but I also have my eyes open. I'm going to ensure that I have control of finances. I think it's positive that he is actively seeking help by himself without prompting from me and I am not just going to walk away at the first setback. He has a massive issue but it's worth committing to see if he can get better and we can make things work. In my eyes that's what marriage is. If I had a setback I would hope he would support me, at least unless improved incapable of changing. He hasn't proved this yet as he hadn't tried to change yet

I can understand why you'd make this choice. I did too. And used a similar rationale (it's part of marriage. Supporting each other in good times & bad. Systems in place to prevent it happening again).

I'm not psychic of course. But I'd bet an awful lot that this will not work. And I'm sorry.

You managing the money will ultimately be seen as control by him. You'll feel resentful & parent-like.

If this was a one-off, first instance I'd agree more with his approach.

But he did it again. It was multiple layers of deceit. Not just some foolish investments but chasing the loss, and lying over a prolonged period to you.

Now, he's put you and your DC in a financially challenging situation - that you are trying to solve - even tho he's a high earner.

Every post you've made here has minimised all this.

What he's done is awful. Really awful.

I feel so sad reading your line about making things work. I was exactly the same. However at some point, you need to know how much sacrifice from you is worth making it 'work'. What did he care about making your marriage work, when he lied, gambled and threw away a significant 6-figure sum.

Please at least think about the magnitude of what he has done. At least stop trying to praise him because he's agreed to counselling & a weekly coffee date (our equivalent was Wednesday evening after dinner. Never worked. Not once).

Hopefully counselling will give you a forum to air your feelings and have some attention paid to what you need addressed. Everything you've written about here is focused on him.

I do wish you luck with this but I'd really suggest finding your anger on this.

Great post @EarringsandLipstick and on the money.

It utterly changes the dynamic of a relationship for one to parent the other because of such a trust issue.

So important OP that you get support.

You may well find yourself angry as you mourn the relationship you thought you had and the one you had.

I would also counsel you to not make any grand gestures of undying everlasting support.

This is a very hard road....you may well change your mind and have every reason to do so.

You know he's done this twice already now, right? 🙄

Read this over and over again, OP.

All of it.

I’m really sorry for you, this is just the beginning.

I would also counsel you to not make any grand gestures of undying everlasting support.

That's a really wise statement too Billy

I couldn’t sustain a relationship where by I could never trust my partner again, had been forced to police them and not only that, deal with their growing resentment at that forced policing, and my growing resentment at being forced into that position.

He has already made two huge ‘mistakes’ (decisions, really) and I do not doubt he’ll make more.

I’m glad he’s seeking help, but he’s no hero for doing so.

He has repeatedly shown no consideration at all towards to you and your child, and. I fear he will begin to see you as a barrier to his ‘success’ as time goes on.

I’d also be very concerned about the risk he poses to his job, for having these compulsions.

Good luck. I really, really think you’re going to need it.

I’m really sorry for you, this is just the beginning.

It's awful isn't it Tiddly - for those of us that know at least some elements of this, we can see that 😔

I'm also aware that I probably wouldn't have listened in the early stages to similar advice.

However, I didn't get any such advice - and I really wish I had. And that's why even tho OP might not want or be ready to hear this that I'm saying it anyway. Maybe OP will come back another time or later...and it might help.

If OP were able to establish some boundaries around what she was prepared to do, force the action back on her H & know that she can have a happy life without hin, it's possible that things might change. Maybe.

I didn't visit MN until after my marriage ended & there were so many lightbulbs when I read threads here. I was also amazed and impressed by strong vocal women who were not going to accept crap relationships & said so. Nothing like what I saw IRL.

So maybe OP will see some alternative options at an earlier point than I did.

I don't understand what you're actually saying though. There's a lot of posts saying "oh OP your situation's awful" etc, which I know. To the pp said I need to get angry... I and I have. I didn't start this thread to express or get help with my anger as I am having therapy. I tried to write the facts objectively. It was more about practical steps moving forward.

Some posters are basically suggesting that I leave my husband now and that's the only outcome. As if no-one ever made mistakes and overcame them, no couples had addictions they dealt with. Neither of us had faced up to the severity of his addictive tendencies before now, so now we have and he is getting help let's at least see. I am aware of the pitfalls, and I have suffocating fears about what might happen, but I also know that outside of the trading addiction he is a beautiful person and father, and we could still be a happy family. He has a mental health condition meaning he acted irresponsibly / unacceptably. He needs to deal with it.

My DC deserves the chance to have a happy non-fucked up life if we can achieve it. This is the first time my husband has acknowledged and confronted this problem of his so I think let's try and do all we can, put all the steps in place and see if we can move forward. If not, if the same thing happens again or he starts lying then that will be the end I know.

I think this is so wise - it's this kind of post that makes me keep coming to mumsnet for advice and wisdom.

Earrings says find your anger - I'd be more than angry, myself, I'd feel contempt. I'd lose a lot of respect for my husband if he had such poor judgment. If he works in the city, money is meant to be "his thing". How could he fall for such a patent fool's game as crypto investment? Doesn't he know that, like any other zero sum investment, for every big winner there's heaps of medium losers? And having been burnt once, twice, he went on to borrow more, throwing good money after bad... the mind reels.

I wonder if you feel you ought to stay with him for the sake of your child, even just for financial reasons. You're a part time teacher: you're on 20-50k depending if you're in a comp or eton group. Meanwhile your husband is on 6 figures (although you don't see most of it except in red numbers). You're perhaps thinking, if I were a single mum I'd have to downsize my lifestyle a lot, my child would have a humble lifestyle.

But if it were me, I'd rather live safely within my 20-50k means, with no nasty surprises, rather than have big numbers coming in and huger numbers going out and have to be his full-time debt adviser/manager

I cross posted with this. I respect your reasoning a lot here.

The question is whether your DC is more like to have a "happy, non-fucked up life" with a family tumbling in and out of debt, arguments etc, or just a level headed single mum.

As you say, it's worth a shot at making it work if it can be turned around

As if no-one ever made mistakes and overcame them, no couples had addictions they dealt with.

Of course they did. But he lied, and deceived you to a huge extent, multiple times.

If he cared about overcoming mistakes he wouldn't have done it a second time

He has a mental health condition meaning he acted irresponsibly / unacceptably. He needs to deal with it.

It's so common for women to reach for excuses - mine was that my H had depression which excused his behaviour. He'd had a depressive episode; it was not ongoing & did not excuse what he did. I'd be really wary of describing his financial irresponsibility as a 'mental health condition'.

My DC deserves the chance to have a happy non-fucked up life if we can achieve it.

Every woman ever has said this in an effort to stabilise a marriage. DC will thrive in an open honest environment where their best interests are to the fore. I mean, OP, come on - huge sums of money recklessly spent, no honesty & then you become the gatekeeper for his behaviour. That is pretty fucked up.

Sorry to be so blunt. I just recognise all these excuses because I made them myself.

I'd rather live safely within my 20-50k means, with no nasty surprises, rather than have big numbers coming in and huger numbers going out and have to be his full-time debt adviser/manager

💯

My financial situation now is not good, thanks to ex & despite having a decent job.

It's still a million times better than the gut-wrenching anxiety of his financial abuse

I’d also be very concerned about the risk he poses to his job, for having these compulsions.

This is a very good point. I've worked in the City for many years and the standards for personal behaviours are increasingly high. It's not just credit ratings that are important (and it seems the OP's DH is dangerously close to the knife edge here and one more 'lapse of judgement' by him could bring their financial house of cards tumbling down, especially if the OP decides to give up her job). Personal behaviour is also important, even more so if the DH is a regulated person. For example, my current employer (one of the big global players) requires us to inform them of anything that could be considered 'not whiter than white' with the exception of parking tickets. And we have to affirm every quarter. Failure to do so, or failure to declare is misconduct and most likely dismissal. It might be prudent of the DH to have a chat with HR or his line manager and/or go down the EAP route to get some support with his problems so he can demonstrate he's taking positive action to prevent getting into further trouble.

Like others on this thread, I strongly suspect this will happen again, and this time it may also cost him his job and that could mean the roof over the OP's head too. To add, if he defaults on the existing debts, that could prevent him getting another job in the industry and if it gets as far as a CCJ, he'll be unemployable in the City. Not a problem right now as his credit rating hasn't been affected but he's 'slipped' twice now despite promising the first time it would never happen again. OP you really have to protect yourself and your DC as much as you can in case this does happen again as the odds are increasingly against you. I hope you can make things work for your sake and that of your DC but a weekly coffee date and some counselling isn't going to enough realistically.