Old age if DH dies before I do?

[NosyHamster]

I’ve name changed for this.

Does anyone worry about coping if your partner dies before you do? I’m in my 50s, DH is 8 years older. Not a huge age gap, but I realise that statistically men tend to die before women. DH is generally in better healthier than me, and his family have tended to live longer than mine, particularly the men. This is reassuring, however I know that old age is something of a lottery and its impossible to predict. We don’t have children, and I’m an only child, so no siblings. I have a nice circle of friends and a few hobbies, and I’ve always got one eye on expanding my social circle/hobbies, as a safety net. Although I think I’ve got to the point that I can’t add much more into my life at present, there are only so many hours in the day!

I realise no one can do anything about this, and what will be will be, but I often wonder if other people have the same fears? Every couple on the planet will have a situation where one of them dies first, is it just me who worries about it?

I'm guessing if you have a big extended and immediate family it helps as I don't worry about it because of that

I don’t have that, which is precisely why I worry

I think you are focusing on this more than is healthy.

I mean, statistically, you have years together yet - and I say that as someone whose parents both died much younger than "average". But, there isn't really anything you can do about when you die. I mean, statistically you can watch your diet and exercise etc, but the likelihood is there isn't much you can do.

So - yes, get things like finance and wills in order, but focus on enjoying the time you have together now, whilst you are both still relatively young and healthy.
Many widows and widowers take up all sorts of new things after their partner has passed away. You don't have to have started them all now. Particularly as you are still at work now. Take life as it comes.

Rev Richard Coles did a podcast on this subject. the only certainty in a relationship is that one of you is going to die first leaving the other one. Its what it is. I dont think about it. I just try and enjoy every day that we have together. And if its me that goes first I know he will cope. If its him, I will have to.

Me neither @NosyHamster I feel the loneliness of being an only child with every year that passes now. I would do anything for a sibling I got along with, to have a niece or nephew etc. It's really tough.

I’m 64 and my husband is 6 years older. I don’t worry about losing him - worrying accomplishes nothing and robs us of peace of mind in the present (see mindfulness), but it does sometimes cross my mind and I hope we live to be very old together and go within weeks of each other. We were each married for 30 years to the wrong person and our life together is precious to us. I know I’d be devastated to lose him. I’d cope, but I’d be heartbroken.

DH died before me, he was 56 when he died and I was 57. I love(d) the very bones of that man, I thought we'd be together for the rest of our lives, I thought we'd retire together and tear up the old folks home together but instead we didn't make retirement age but we were together for the rest of his life and, in a way, that gives me comfort. I am 60 in a few days time and I am trying to shape a new future for myself, I am learning to embrace this new path I find myself on and discovering that there is a life out there for me still and he would be proud of me for doing that.

@Ratfinkstinkypink I am very sorry for your loss. I think you have a great outlook look though, and I wish you much happiness in wherever life takes you next.

DH Is the same age as me and I've always assumed he'd die before I do, just because women have a longer life expectancy. I have an adult DS who is autistic and will likely live with us long term, so I won't be left on my own. And we have 2 younger DDs who will hopefully grow up to be independent but hopefully will want to visit. I am NC with siblings and parents but we never socialised much even before that.

I don't have any friends, but I tend to make acquaintances through hobbies and classes - life is too busy for any of those right now, but when the dc are older I will return to them. I don't think I'll be too lonely though, I lived alone for years before I met DH and I always liked to have my own space.

I've always naively assumed we'd both live until old age though. I would struggle a lot if he died while the dc are young, or in our 50s/60s.

Yes I worry. In fact I know he is very likely to die a while before me. He's 16 years older. But what can you do? I fell in love with a man 16 years older and that's the price I will pay.

I do sometimes get sad looking at elderly couples together out and about.
But I just have to cherish what time I do get to have with him even if I know ill be elderly on my own in the end.

Similar ages and age gap here and our retirement plan is to live in a small but perfectly formed flat right in our city. No stairs, no/low maintenance, some nice common facilities e.g. a pool, and super easy walking or public transport to everything we need and loads of things to do. Whoever goes second will have an easy, flexible, cheap to run life at least, and be set up to live independently for as long as possible.

As a pp said, having lots of spending money is important so we don't want ours tied up in a big property, and I would hate to be forced into downsizing after a bereavement.

i suspect keeping yourself busy Monday to Friday might be do-able, but what on earth do you do at Christmas, for example, if you’re completely on your own?

Depends what you think Christmas should be about. My DH had several on his own before he met me and TBH I think much preferred it to spending time with his in-laws!

Think how many Christmas threads are on here with people having to juggle relatives and expectations. And no one getting to do what they'd like to do.

Some of the older single women at my church seem to go to each other's houses after the Christmas Day service so I suspect if you want to spend the day with others and don't want to do volunteering type stuff there's still a way of doing it. But it depends on building up friendships. But that could well mean you can spend Christmas with people you have chosen to and like rather than been forced into a family Christmas with people you don't?!

I'm not sure having a sibling, niece or nephew is the answer. There's no guarantee if you have them that you'll get on with them, want to spend time with them or even live anywhere near them!

Depends what you think Christmas should be about. My DH had several on his own before he met me and TBH I think much preferred it to spending time with his in-laws!

Anything rather than being alone on Christmas Day? I just checked out Saga Holidays and even they don’t offer anything over Christmas !

There are plenty of solo (expensive!) holiday companies that do. I had some adverts on my Facebook feed only the other day.

@NosyHamster Do you have plans as to where you might live when you are older? For example if you were to live in a retirement village I assume there would be an arranged meal on Christmas Day and activities. I do think making friends with other single women is a good idea though too. I totally feel for you on this issue because it is a huge worry of mine too.

I ended up talking to 2 widowers yesterday, neither remarried and both have full lives, one has a lot of children and looks after his grandchildren a lot and the other volunteers for 2 charities. The one who volunteers is a very good friend.

What worries me is loving DH so much. On the one hand I feel incredibly lucky I have ever known love, I had an awful first marriage. DS says DH and I are like a pair of old slippers, he is the left and I am the right and that we just go together. I worry more about DH being upset if I die first.

Since I posted back in May DH and I have worked out our finances and he hopes to retire early. We have had four people we know die age 41, 52, 53 and 61 in the last 5 years. It’s been the catalyst.

Thank you for sharing that @Sunshineafter May, I ask you a question please? Your good friend who is a widower - would you go and visit him if he were in hospital? That's something I worry about - having no support if I were to be ill. I really want to work on building some good friendships myself. I would like to be there for others and then also hope that they would be there for me if needed. Do you think this is realistic?

Sorry to hear of the people you have lost. You are right - it does really make you think about how little time we could all have, and how important it is to make the most of every day.

DH is only two years older than me, but is not in great physical or mental health. My DM and DGM made it to their late 90s, so I think it's odds on that I will be widowed at some point.

With this in mind, I have ensured that I have a social life independent of DH, which will continue whether he is here or not. I have also planned to stay physically active as long as I can and already do activities that support stamina, flexibility and balance.

I see too many women of my age (late 60s) who are totally dependent on their DPs and will be utterly lost without them, especially those who either never learnt to drive, or have stopped for no good reason.

@JudyJulie very good points - especially the driving part. I need to learn before it is too late!

But surely if you know you don't want to spend Christmas Day on your own then you look around long before it for something to do - whether it's a holiday, meeting up with people in a similar situation for a walk or Christmas dinner or volunteering somewhere.

Might depend on whether you're an introvert or extrovert but DH had a brilliant time on his own at Christmas - went for a walk, had whatever food he wanted, watched what he wanted on TV.

As for hospital visiting - having a family is no guarantee of visitors. I haven't visited my relatives in hospital. I live too far away for it to be practical. But what you do is plan so someone nearby has spare keys to your house and knows where to find things you might need (or where you keep a hospital bag packed, for instance).

@RidingMyBike that's all good advice, thank you. Especially the pratical idea re the hospital bag.

I think the dread of Christmas alone is often worse than the reality, I built it up to be a big thing in my head but actually it was just another day. For me, the Christmas Day the year before was worse by far, DH was at home, completely disabled by the stroke and his cancer was rapidly killing him. I don't think I could have a worse Christmas than that one, that year I wanted to kill everyone that told me to "make memories" while I could.

@Strawberriesandpears I did actually take him in for a procedure about 5 years ago and collect him the next day. My friend that lives a couple of doors away went in for an op a couple of days ago and I gave her a lift.

The guy that is a widower is sort of my surrogate Dad if I’m honest. He knows DH and DS now and has come for dinner. He does have a DD who lives in the same road and he often sees her. He is just a lovely man so people sort of flock to him.

I can drive and do dry basic DIY and build flat pack furniture, DH is an expert in DIY, our builder friend said he would give him a job. He built our kitchen and can do plastering, electrical and plumbing, he can even tile. I do not think many people unless professional are that skilled.

I think the thing that I would miss is feeling so safe with a man, I had a very bad first relationship and am incredibly wary of men overall with good reason.

I think having lots of friends is key, I was very close to my three friends that died. It left an awful gap. My issue is my really close friends that you ring at 3 am don’t live near me. We grew up in a Rural backwater so everyone left for work and study so all scattered. I find it easy to make friends that are fun to meet for coffee and chat to but deep long lasting friendships are harder as we age.

@JudyJulie the driving thing is spot on and have met women who let their DH do all driving. My mate is a biochemist so hardly daft and has not driven for 25 years! She lets her DH do it all.