Old age if DH dies before I do?

[NosyHamster]

I’ve name changed for this.

Does anyone worry about coping if your partner dies before you do? I’m in my 50s, DH is 8 years older. Not a huge age gap, but I realise that statistically men tend to die before women. DH is generally in better healthier than me, and his family have tended to live longer than mine, particularly the men. This is reassuring, however I know that old age is something of a lottery and its impossible to predict. We don’t have children, and I’m an only child, so no siblings. I have a nice circle of friends and a few hobbies, and I’ve always got one eye on expanding my social circle/hobbies, as a safety net. Although I think I’ve got to the point that I can’t add much more into my life at present, there are only so many hours in the day!

I realise no one can do anything about this, and what will be will be, but I often wonder if other people have the same fears? Every couple on the planet will have a situation where one of them dies first, is it just me who worries about it?

My MIL was widowed suddenly in her 50's but she has built herself a fabulous life - she lives in a retirement community (own private 2-bedroom flat but on the same site as many others with shared social rooms/gardens etc) and, as women outnumber men at least 10:2, it's just like a girls' halls of residence - lots of girls holidays, drinking, & gossiping! She has her independence & privacy, but dozens of friends to be social with & a centre manager to call on for maintenance or in case of emergency. It seems ideal & what I would like for myself one day if I am widowed.

Some wonderful replies. So please tell me if my action plan sounds ok, this is what’s already in place:

Group of 4 friends in village, all married, we get together frequently
Four other good friends within my local area
One weekly hobby group, very friendly people
Two weekly exercise classes, not particularly social but they keep me busy
Mortgage paid off, good life insurance policy, I do all the household banking etc

As I work full time, I can’t fit in much more, otherwise I wouldn’t get to spend much time with DH, and that’s defeating the object.

I would probably be less worried if I had children/siblings, and often wonder, for example, would I end up spending Christmas alone?

If the worst happened, I would probably join a local meet-up group, and volunteer with the National Trust. I’d get a handy man in for odd jobs.

So is there anything else I should be doing now, bearing in mind what I fear may never happen and/or there’s no date to work towards?! I just want to get to a point where I know I’ve done as much as I can, then hopefully worry about this a bit less?

Op are you me? I'm exactly the same, my partner is 10 year older than me, i'm an only child and i have no children and at the moment (i'm 43) i'm worrying about this almost every day. it's very reassuring to me that there are others like us out there to be honest. I flitter between being practical about it and positive to having to face the stark reality that i'm going to be totally alone when i'm older. But then again, we just dont know how life will go do we.

8 years lol.thats hardly an age gap and you could easily die first.

Stop worrying. Live life. If it happens you will deal with it then.

That sounds fine. I wonder if some counselling might be beneficial to help with the worrying.

What about sex and intimacy do any of you miss that?
My friend was widowed 2 years ago. She's coped very well. No children, she works and has a dog though I think that can help, plus her mum is still alive and she has a couple of siblings locally.

Definitely, it's almost taboo to mention that you miss sex when newly widowed. I often think that widowers in particular marry very quickly, they miss sex/intimacy and just start relationships before emotionally they are ready. I met a bloke years ago who remarried six weeks after the death of his wife. I was bewildered by that.

@dottypotter yes but what can you do about it if you are a lone parent and don't want to leap straight into another relationship for their sakes, as much as your own? Just have to live with it.

Even if you don't have children, I think many women would struggle to move on within a year like many men do. I'm not sure their drive is always sex though, more companionship and having someone to live your life with, I'd prefer to be on my own than have a man I'm not crazy about, and I don't want to live with another man ever anyway so that's the choice I've made.

You are doing all the right things to still have an active and sociable life if your partner should die before you. That's the best you can do really. Many people are isolated if they haven't looked for companionship outside of their relationship. For others, sadly friends have died too, but if you are able to keep active and carry on doing things that involve other people that will help. Again, because of I'll health, many people are unable too, some of it is just luck.

I didn’t expect to be widowed at 52, DH same age. In my widows group there were women aged from mid 20s to about 70, so it can happen at any age.
I don’t think emotionally it’s something you can prepare for but you can prepare practically with up to date Wills, life insurance if necessary, property in joint names etc.. Plan for the things you can control, leave the things you can’t and enjoy the life you have together.

It looks like you've got a good mixture of things there @NosyHamster, I wouldn't worry about trying to squeeze in more!

You've got three(?) weekly social or exercise things per week. That provides structure that isn't connected to work. And you've got some different groups of friends where presumably meeting up is more ad hoc.

No, I’m a similar age but had breast cancer in 2021. Two months after I finished treatment DH had a stroke. Physically he is ok but he has a lot of cognitive deficits as a result of the stroke and would seriously struggle on his own. We have a DS18 and I don’t want to leave him to be his dad’s carer. So no I am determined to outlive DH.
I worry constantly that I am going to go first.

Older women's co-housing | Mumsnet

Lets hope there are more and more of these initiatives, meaning less of us would be potentially facing old age alone?

I am 70, DH 75. I see friends for walks and lunches, volunteer, book group, regular skypes and phone calls with family and old friends, involved in politics. U3A is a useful organisation for older people, as is Extinction Rebellion, WI and some local churches. I have a DC + partner who I might buy a big ole house with should I be left alone - I would be bringing a substantial sum. I have lived in communes earlier in life and they can be great, but if things go to shit (and they do) life can be really horrible, so I doubt I would make that commitment with anyone but family or really old and trusted friends.

I would hate to live in some kind of communal housing. I have done in the past when I was much younger and it really doesn't work for me. Too many possibilities for arguments and disagreements over everything from guests to parking. Too many people around .

If you get one of those communal places you buy into there are arguments about standards eg fixing the roof - do you do it high end or basic. What if one household can't afford the contributions for high end.

Gardening - rewilding or neat rows of veg? Space for grandchildren to play or not?! Pay for a gardener or not?

My husband is over 10 years older than me so I very much expect him to die first. Obvoiusly this may not happen, but the odds are very much in my favour! We are now 51 and 62 and I've definitely thought about it more since he turned 60. Not helped by the fact that my parents died at 66 and 70 having being very fit and healthy not long before.

I wouldn't say I "worry" about it or "fear" it. I'm fairly matter of fact. I've become more conscious of the finite nature of life and planning to make the most of the limited about of healthy years left eg by planning travel that I always assumed we'd do "some time" but now realise we won't do unless we get I move on. I've become aware of practical tasks that he always does and I don't know how to do and want to make sure I can. Some admin stuff too that he looks after. I'm also starting to think in terms of moving to a smaller. easier to run, house/garden in 8-10 years time (ideally I'd love to build one!). So I'm very aware of it and quite pragmatic. I'm actually quite confident I'll be fine on my own. Unlike you we do have two children and I have two younger siblings, as well as lots of local friends and a job I love.

After all that he'll probably live to 100 now and I might pop off next year!

Gardening - rewilding or neat rows of veg? Space for grandchildren to play or not?! Pay for a gardener or not?

Not so different from the discussions you have with your partner. It's that kind of thing that fills the time!!!

DH died when I was 36 and left me completely bereft – he was my whole world and I was utterly lost without him. Of course, I carried on – you do because you have to – but I am a very different person now.

Something it taught me was to never, EVER be that reliant on one person in that way ever again. My daughter is very little at the moment and I work full time, so I don't have much time for myself, but as life starts to get a bit easier I fully intend to ensure that my life is full as an independent person, regardless of relationship status. I have a new DP and he's wonderful, but he enhances my life rather than completes it and I will always want to maintain my own friendships, hobbies and financial independence so that whatever happens to him or our relationship in the future, I will have a fulfilling life. I genuinely believe this is the only path to true happiness. I'm not there yet but I will be.

@peachgreen i’m so dreadfully sorry this happened, and I’m really pleased your life is improving. I’ve made sure I have a nice selection of friends and hobbies, but still feel that DH is my ‘main person’? After several decades of marriage it’s inevitable?

I don’t know what the stats are in the UK but here in Ireland apparently we have the happiest widows in Europe.

@NosyHamster Of course, and that’s how it should be – but the goal is to make sure he’s not your ONLY person. Other relationships can and should be emotionally intimate, fulfilling and important.

This does scare me too. I am an only child and have no children of my own. I have family at the moment (my parents are still around) and I have a lovely boyfriend, but I do feel incredibly anxious about one day possibly being completely alone in this world. It feels like such a tough position to be in. I worry about it every single day (and I am only 36 so possibly have a long way to go). I see families all around me whenever I am out and about and it triggers my anxiety further. It feels like quite an unnatural situation to be in really - humans have gone round in tribes or families since the dawn of time, and I don't have that (or might not one day). Of course I appreciate that I am not the only one in this situation - I just wish things were different.

I am going to try and make more meaningful connections maybe through volunteering or charity work, but I am not sure whether friends can ever stand in for family. I read mixed thoughts on that.

Any advice greatly appreciated!

I’m in a similar (but probably worse!) situation and I do think about it sometimes. I try not to dwell and this is made easier by 2 things. Firstly, DH is a realist and we have made the relevant financial plans. If the worst happens, financially, I’ll be fine. Secondly, I have a life away from him that I’m largely happy with. Not to take anything away from him, he is my best friend and I cannot imagine life without him. But, I’m busy with my job, family commitments, friends, hobbies, voluntary work…life.
Plus, I’m getting old and I’ve seen people die when they really shouldn’t….in their teens/20s/30s/40s/50s. You never know what’s coming and the advice to life each day well is very valid.