Old age if DH dies before I do?

[NosyHamster]

I’ve name changed for this.

Does anyone worry about coping if your partner dies before you do? I’m in my 50s, DH is 8 years older. Not a huge age gap, but I realise that statistically men tend to die before women. DH is generally in better healthier than me, and his family have tended to live longer than mine, particularly the men. This is reassuring, however I know that old age is something of a lottery and its impossible to predict. We don’t have children, and I’m an only child, so no siblings. I have a nice circle of friends and a few hobbies, and I’ve always got one eye on expanding my social circle/hobbies, as a safety net. Although I think I’ve got to the point that I can’t add much more into my life at present, there are only so many hours in the day!

I realise no one can do anything about this, and what will be will be, but I often wonder if other people have the same fears? Every couple on the planet will have a situation where one of them dies first, is it just me who worries about it?

I don’t think that far ahead, I’m 52, DH is 55. I’m more worried about my parents at the moment, both 75.

I was widowed in my late 40s and it was relatively easy to restart my life as a single parent while ds was quite young and all my friends still had kids in school. But the prospect of widowhood in 20/30 years' time looks quite different

I think DP will probably predecease me if I don't get myself to Dignitas. I just hope I have the money to pay for a basic level of support.

Could you try to think it through or read about it rather than just try to suppress it and hope it doesn't break through? Existential anxiety about the meaning of life, and what to do if someone you love dies is completely natural. There are 'Death Cafes' in some places where people go to talk about life and death! Just to make it more acceptable and natural and not this horrible nameless terror.

My husband dying has happened to me anyway, I'm also a widow. I can't begin to get over it in one way, in other ways I have kept going with life. Friends aren't substitutes but they are a good source of support and pleasure as are family. I can't pretend it is easy, but what is the alternative? What would your husband want you to do?

Some people respond to these thoughts by being practical, some of my family have made wills, planned their funerals, organized their paperwork even though they are perfectly healthy. Other hope to just forget about it. I don't have the answer for you but don't judge yourself harshly for feeling this way, you love your husband deeply and of course the prospect of life without him would be frightening. Could you talk to him about it or get a big hug and say you feel worried and would like one? Just some ideas.

It's something I've thought about quite a bit as it's probably quite likely for me - I'm younger than you, DH is older than your DH! But I've tried to take the opposite approach - we quite probably won't get to enjoy retirement together, which means we have to make the most of now. I think it's quite easy for similar-aged couples to not think about it or assume they'll be able to do stuff in retirement and then one becomes ill or dies. So we've tried to make our working life so it has time for each other, stuff we enjoy doing. It's possible we'll do all this and then still get some retirement together, who knows?! He's retired early (he's a SAHD to our DD) I am paying extra into my pension so hopefully I can to.

I'm a planning type so we've also been careful to put mortgage, banks, utilities into joint names. If one of you dies any individual accounts are frozen which can leave the surviving spouse struggling to pay bills.

It won't affect you, think you said your age gap is 8 years? But it may help others reading the thread - check spousal pension arrangements. There is often a reduced spousal pension if the age gap is more than 10 years, so don't assume you'd automatically get a 50% pension etc.

I have seen friends and relatives widowed at all sorts of ages - late 20s, 30s 50s, 80s. It's obviously never easy. I think I would cope better than DH as the 'survivor'. I have a better network and am more sociable. Yes, we have a child, but I wouldn't expect her to live near me etc as an adult to provide companionship, although I hope we'd have a good relationship. I think investing time in building strong networks and relationships is a good idea.

And we've been very careful when buying a house. We have bought where there are good transport links and amenities close by. Our neighbours are in their 80s and still coping with living here! We have enough space for a downstairs bedroom and bathroom. I don't think I'd want to live in a communal type thing. I've done many house shares and I'm too much of an introvert to get the most from it.

Lots of us might be in this situation, but we will just get on with things and crack on. Worrying about it achieves nothing.

I worry about this. There's a beautiful song, I can't remember the title/artist, but it goes something like:

"It's knowing that this can't go on forever, likely one of us will have to spend some days alone, (something, something, something) because one day you'll be gone or one day I'll be gone".

I dread it. I knew one person of a very elderly couple who said he hoped he died 1st. He did. Its a sad time for whoever is the one having to spend some time alone.

Quick google, it was "if we were vampires" by Jason Isbel.

Already been there and done that, at 36. I won’t lie it wasn’t/ isn’t pleasant. But I’m still here, and every day is not full of misery. What I can tell you is that there is no point in fearing it - you have no idea what will happen later today, or st any point in the future. And whatever happens, life does go on.

Another voice unable to see any point in worrying about this. Having married , in my thirties, a DH fourteen years older than me, it was always on the cards that he would die first.

Following surgery, he is already struggling with mobility and generally. I'm still working full time and am careful to maintain my networks. Socially scents are mostly walking, lunches and dance classes.

I shall miss him but life will go one. When my mother died, I couldn't really be sorry because she had spend the last six months bed bound. That was no life for a human being

I wish everyone a "quiet night and a perfect end"

we are discussing a funeral plan

This has been on my mind since my DH was diagnosed with incurable cancer last year. He is nine years older than me so was always on the cards that he would go first but this is now even more likely. I try not to think about it too much or I will just get upset which helps no-one. We are trying to do practical things as someone mentioned earlier. Feel like I don't want to make plans though as that means acknowledging the reality of the situation.

I am 59 and was widowed last year. I miss him every moment of the day but I am continuing to live my life, my children (both birth and fostered) bring smiles into my life, I get out of the house every day and I keep up with my friendships. There is loneliness in my life but loneliness can affect everyone from time to time but the worst time of my life, nursing him through terminal cancer, a stroke and his ultimate death, are behind me and who knows what challenges the future holds.

@bloodywhitecat I'm so sorry for your loss x

I'm divorcing at 43 and never want to live with someone again so will probably die alone but I don't mind. If

I’m in my fifties and so is DH, my sister was widowed at just 59 a few years ago. She really suffered and has actually ended up remarrying which was a surprise to a really nice man. She didn’t do well alone.

I am fine alone in the day but have always had a fear of the dark. I actually think I would consider taking a woman lodger. She would be totally independent and not a replacement anything but just to know someone is in the house. A divorced retiree I knew did this. She used to take overseas women students, very respectful and they were Masters students which meant a years contract so an end in sight. Plus extra income, she really loved it.

The other thing is due to work, especially DH work which had overseas travel for many years and caring responsibilities for parents we haven’t had anywhere near as much time together as I would certainly like. I suppose I should feel very lucky I have had the opportunity to have loved someone so much and to feel loved.

I don't. I mean, in a couple, except in the very unlikely scenario of you both being killed at the same time, then it is a fact that one of you will go before the other.
Whereas obviously (in a loving and relatively happy relationship) you will miss the other person terribly, as we miss anyone we lose, that we have loved, but more so, however, you can still have a very good life during that next stage of your life.
I don't thin there is any point in worrying about something you can't do anything much about.
I went to a funeral of a 92 year old last month. There must have been over 100 people there, from all the things she belonged to and took part in - church, WI, bowls, knit and natter, something she volunteered with, the lunch club she went to. She had lost her husband nearly 25 years previously and missed him hugely, but life is for living so live it she did

One piece of advice I heard years ago, was to make sure in retirement, (if not before) you both have your own interests as well as those things you do together. That way, a little piece of your week is still "normal" in those early months.

I was divorced at 48 and had to find my own way as a single parent. I was always reasonably independent and worked full time. I worry for my sister if her husband should go first. I don't think she realises quite how reliant she is on him.

She can't book a train ticket or get her car MOT'd but her grown children will help her I suppose or I can from a distance.

I have thought about this because historically the women in my family tend to have quite a long time as widows. My Mum has been widowed for over a decade so far and is likely to live for another decade, her mother was a widow for about 30 years and her mother (my great grandmother) was also a widow for three or four decades. I'm hopeful that my DH will live for quite a long time, but he is currently at the age that his father died unexpectedly from his first heart attack so I think we are entering a period of uncertainty around life expectancy for both of us.

My Grandmother lived at home until she died, and the last few years refused to have carers so Mum and her sister had to do a lot for her. My Mum always said that she wouldn't do that to us, however she now doesn't want to leave her home either and plans to die there. She doesn't need care, yet, so it remains to be seen whether she will accept having carers in the house or not. She gets injured now and then and my DB and I look after her and drive her around etc but that's generally for shorter periods. Mum has made sure to keep engaged with friends and hobbies after Dad died and I think that has helped a lot with the loneliness.

I have no particular attachment to this house but it's worth a lot of money and would fund me to live in a really fancy care home for years. My specific fears around that is losing autonomy over my medical care, I would rather minimise treatment (I have loads of things wrong with me) and die a bit earlier than spend time in a hospital but I think once I'm in a care home they will over-treat whether I want it or not. I have quite a few friends with whom I have a pact to try to end up in the same care home if possible. One of my friends is specifically concerned about alzheimers and we have promised to talk about the old days with her when she's no longer engaged in the present.

I was widowed at 51. Thankfully I always managed the money and a lot of the household stuff, but there were definitely things I'd just never got involved with. I didn't know who serviced the boiler or the car, for example or how to "manage" the temperamental lawnmower.

I'd definitely make sure you know how to do the practical things he does and everything about the money.

Beyond that friends and interests are really important. I've been quite mersonary about getting into groups of other single people. You find your married friends drift off once you don't fit into a convenient couple anymore, even the life long friends you thought would the ones to turn to.

And money. Basically you need to be able to pay for all the stuff you can't do by yourself and it's surprising how many jobs do need 2 people, even if you've got the skills.

I'm very self-sufficient and happy in my own company. I'd also rather be dead than have to rely on a loved one (or anyone come to that) for basic care. I'm with a lovely man atm but who knows where life will lead us so I'm not assuming we will grow old together anyway. Your best bet is to build your own resilience and coping abilities. Nobody should expect anyone to look after them.

Dh and I are mid 60s. We often talk about this...we are both independent people with interests and quite happy with our own company.
I'd obviously be sad but wouldn't go into mourning for the rest of my life. My dcs live 300 miles away and I have no other relatives. I'd just get on with the next stage of my life.

No I don't. I don't see the point as there is simply nothing I can do about it. I likely will be in this situation if my DP follows the make line of his family so far.

I have thought about it ever since my dad dropped dead aged 56.

Yes I have kids , siblings, career and hobbies. However nothing will fill the gap left by DH. Only thing is I feel you do need money - so you can be as independent as possible and buy in care , pay for taxis etc etc

I used to worry occasionally about this as dh is older and male life expectancy is shorter but then I got cancer so unlikely to live longer than him now.