Old age if DH dies before I do?

[NosyHamster]

I’ve name changed for this.

Does anyone worry about coping if your partner dies before you do? I’m in my 50s, DH is 8 years older. Not a huge age gap, but I realise that statistically men tend to die before women. DH is generally in better healthier than me, and his family have tended to live longer than mine, particularly the men. This is reassuring, however I know that old age is something of a lottery and its impossible to predict. We don’t have children, and I’m an only child, so no siblings. I have a nice circle of friends and a few hobbies, and I’ve always got one eye on expanding my social circle/hobbies, as a safety net. Although I think I’ve got to the point that I can’t add much more into my life at present, there are only so many hours in the day!

I realise no one can do anything about this, and what will be will be, but I often wonder if other people have the same fears? Every couple on the planet will have a situation where one of them dies first, is it just me who worries about it?

@Sunshineafter That's lovely of you. The relationship you have developed sounds great - I would love something like that.

Really sorry to hear about the passing of your close friends. That must be tough, and it further reminds us how precious life is and how none of us know how long we have. I am close friends with a lady in her 50s actually and I would totally help her out if she needed something. I would like to develop more close friendships though, but I am not sure if it is too late. I am 36.

@Ratfinkstinkypink I think you are right about Christmas being just another day. It's a bit like that for me now really - we are such a small family that we do not make a fuss. I think if I was on my own I'd just tuck myself up cosy, treat myself to some nice food and maybe spend the day doing some winter inspired art work (I love art!).

I am really sorry to hear about your husband. That must have been such a tough time. I hope you have or do find happiness again whatever life brings you way.

My Nan is 88 and my grandad died over 20 years ago. I'm sure she still misses him but she always kept an active social life even before he suddenly died. She has a positive outlook on life too which really helps. Even now she'll go on holiday alone if there's no friends to go with. She's amazing.

36 is definitely not too late for making close friends. Some of my closest friends now are people I first met in my 30s or 40s! Do some things you enjoy doing or try out something new and meet people that way - yes, it seems to take longer than when you're younger but it's possible. I also found that unexpected people became friends - I discovered how much they meant I me even though I'd never have thought that at the start.

And try to maintain existing friendships, even if at a distance - keep in touch with each other, visit, cut them some slack if they have kids etc. What I've seen happen is long distance friends become the ones willing to come and stay for a week or two after a hospital stay because they're your friends and they're now retired so have the time and want to help. Unlike a niece or nephew who may be a relative but works full time and doesn't want to get involved!

You can plan for a lot of this stuff. Think through some scenarios and what you might do eg having the hospital bag packed. If you have a prescription make sure it's electronic - that way it can be accessed at the hospital if you're admitted in an emergency and can't tell them yourself.

And definitely don't driving unless you become incapable of it for medical reasons. It gives you so much more independence!

@blahblahblah1654 That's great! She sounds very courageous!

@RidingMyBike Thank you for all your advice. You make some really great points and I feel optimistic about being able to develop more friendships.

Having good health and a decent amount of money is the best insurance imo.

For example, the hospitals I have visited post covid are set up for Amazon deliveries to the wards.

DH fifteen years older so expectation has always been that he would die first. My approach had always been

Worrying is carrying tomorrow's load with today's strength- carrying two days at once. It is moving into tomorrow ahead of time. Worrying doesn't empty tomorrow of its sorrow, it empties today of its strength.
Corrie Ten Boom

I'm also a member of https://humanists.uk/ and https://www.dignityindying.org.uk

@FinallyHere that's quite reassuring about the Amazon deliveries. One of my worries is that if I were in hospital, I could be in a position where there would be nobody to being me any of the little things I might need.

What you said about worrying and carrying the load of two days really spoke to me. I think I am doing that frequently. My head can be dealing with challenges at work as a 36 year old whilst also worrying about being alone as an old lady, and it's simply too much to deal with.

My DM was widowed a few years ago after 60 years of marriage.. the last few years caring for my DF were very tough for her but whilst she obviously misses him she is like a new woman ... looks so much better, spent money on new clothes, hairdresser, having her nails done etc. She seems 100% more relaxed. & positive about life, she is taking up new hobbies and making new friends .. hosted two dinner parties (!) on her own last week. Yes it clearly helps that she is relatively good health and no financial worries but she has a real zest for life.

@Ragwort it's great to hear your Mum is doing so well. She sounds like a real inspiration and I hope she continues to thrive. 😊

Although just to highlight, the situation OP describes is slightly different as she (and I) do not have children or other family members. That's why we are so worried.

I pray Euthanasia is legalized. I’d like to check out on my own terms.

Absolutely.

My personal criteria already set out in writing and kept with my will.

Fingers crossed

It’s also mainly women doing the actual caring bit.

Yes, I remember reading an article about how people in Japan are became in really resentful of the elderly relatives and basically just want them to die.

I'm really fed up about how our government keeps wanting people to live as long alive as possible.

I'm in my mid 50s and I certainly do not want to live beyond 80 years old.

My DH and I have a similar age gap. I try to live by don’t borrow grief from tomorrow. (I know it’s a bit trite.) There’s no point making yourself miserable about something that might not happen. And even if it does, you’ve spoiled the good years by worrying 🤷🏼‍♀️

@LampHat I like that saying and way of thinking. Thank you for sharing.

Having just witnessed this (parents, mother widowed) I would say have a plan for how you will manage financially and make it in advance so that you know the money is there if you want to move house etc. My parents didn't. If you have children, work on your relationship with them, always. Don't rock up in old age and say I'm your problem now and expect them to drop everything for you if you barely speak. And build some life that's just yours - hobbies, creative things, exercise class, whatever it is that you enjoy. That's what I'm working on, anyway.

That's a really good saying. I shall remember that one.