Old age if DH dies before I do?

[NosyHamster]

I’ve name changed for this.

Does anyone worry about coping if your partner dies before you do? I’m in my 50s, DH is 8 years older. Not a huge age gap, but I realise that statistically men tend to die before women. DH is generally in better healthier than me, and his family have tended to live longer than mine, particularly the men. This is reassuring, however I know that old age is something of a lottery and its impossible to predict. We don’t have children, and I’m an only child, so no siblings. I have a nice circle of friends and a few hobbies, and I’ve always got one eye on expanding my social circle/hobbies, as a safety net. Although I think I’ve got to the point that I can’t add much more into my life at present, there are only so many hours in the day!

I realise no one can do anything about this, and what will be will be, but I often wonder if other people have the same fears? Every couple on the planet will have a situation where one of them dies first, is it just me who worries about it?

I think if he’s healthier and from a long lived family you are likely worrying over nothing. Just try to enjoy your present as much as possible and start expanding your social circle from now.

I’ve been thinking about this quite a bit recently. Dh is 14 years older than me. So I’m worried. Not just about being lonely and skint but also what if needs looking after and I’m still working?

if I can’t retire until 67 he will be in his 80s. We won’t enjoy a nice retirement together. I won’t be able to care for him if I’m working.

also who will be there for me when I’m in my 70s. Without wanting to sound pathetic I really struggle changing the king size duvet as I’m very short and have a bad back. I keep joking when he dies I will have to use a sleeping bag 😂

Not at all, bereavement aside I look forward to that phase of life, I’ll be old yes, but I’ll be free.

I was widowed 3 years ago. It is far from ideal, but life is not over. I am busy with things I love and have lots of friends; and I involve myself in my village community.

I can't say I like it particularly and the first year or so was pretty hellish, but we have to take what life chucks at us - we have no choice. Mind you it was pretty hellish before he died during his slow miserable decline with a neuro-degenerative disorder.

I miss having one person who just loved me regardless, and with whom I had shared history. I miss having no-one on tap to moan about hopeless TV programmes or Sunak; someone to share outings and holidays and chat about shared positive experiences. I am about to take my first holiday alone and feel quite anxious about all of it; but I will put on my Big Girl Pants and just get on with it. If I don't enjoy it I will turn round and come home.

Honestly it is no good worrying about this now OP - you will waste time when you could be enjoying yourselves together. What will be will be.

I am in a very similar situation @NosyHamster and I do worry. Partner seven years older, no kids, and will have no relations when parents are gone. So, here are the things I remind myself of when I begin to worry:

1. The population is ageing. By the time we (I am similar age) are in our 70s there will be a huge number of people our age and thus there will be more resources, more services, more clubs to join, all of that. Older people alone will be more of a thing then than it is now and the online community will mean we can meet people in the same situation.
2. My friend works in a nursing home and is surrounded by older people who did have children and yet still sit alone, unvisited. Having children is absolutely no guarantee of support in the future.
3. There are many situations in life that seem hellish in advance, and yet when they happen we just cope. This would most likely be one of them. By the plan I am older, I hope to be a tough old bird who is done with bullshit and is very content to do my own thing. Anything beyond that will be a bonus.

I know though, sometimes it can feel really scary.

No, I hope he goes first. I can cope alone, he would struggle.

I’ve always assumed I would be a widow, my Nan lived 30 years after my grandad died, my Dad died young and my mum has been widowed for 20 years already. My other Nan and great Nan also lived decades after their husbands died. So I think I just grew up thinking that’s what happens…

I was widowed last year. We were both in our 60s. The answer is that you just pick yourself up and get on with things. You find things to do, activities to do by yourself, or you find activities where you join a club etc. There are always things to do, you just have to take the plunge and get on with it. I know people who were widowed at much younger ages and that is exactly what they did. Your life will be different, but you can still be happy and fulfilled.

I understand this in a different way. I'm happily single and I fear that being alone in later life will be too big a challenge. I have no children or desire to have any. I have no family. I have a friend but that's only at a superficial level.

I think whatever your situation it's a worry on some level yes

I think that it's a worry for anyone and I really hope I don't get old - in theory, my lifestyle makes it unlikely.

but in terms of being alone, I think it would be pretty awful if someone depended on you for help as well.

Thank you so much for all the replies. I’m glad it’s not just me who has these worries, and that in itself is a relief.

As a previous poster suggested, I’m trying to pinpoint exactly which part of all this scares me the most, I suppose it’s being lonely and isolated if I’ve just lost my best friend and rock. I suspect there’s little that can ease the pain of such a bereavement, and I’ve got a nice circle of friends and a few hobbies (I work FT at the moment) but nothing I’ve done actually feels like a safety net, I think I feel quite vulnerable not having children or siblings. The friends and hobbies I have now can’t all be guaranteed to be around in the future but I realise Its quite hard to plan for some undefined point in the future, that may or may not happen (my Mum died quite young, and so did DH’s Mum, so I know first-hand that women sometimes go first). I’m not great at DIY etc, but don’t worry too much about that, I would get a handyman in.

I love the idea of the glamourous old ladies together in a home, drinking cocktail with lots of cats! If someone could guarantee me this, even though I’d prefer DH to be alive, this would be a huge comfort.

I do my best not to dwell, but for some reason it all caught up with me today.

Without wanting to sound pathetic I really struggle changing the king size duvet as I’m very short and have a bad back. I keep joking when he dies I will have to use a sleeping bag 😂

In my case, I dealt with that aspect of widowhood by getting a cleaner! She has the knack of solo duvet cover changing, and it's worth every penny!

really struggle changing the king size duvet as I’m very short and have a bad back. I keep joking when he dies I will have to use a sleeping bag
@QuintanaRoo

In a practical note, we got rid of the super king duvet ages ago and now have one double each. Brilliant.

No more someone lifting the duvet and letting all the cold air in. I'm very restless asleep so separate duvets work really well for us.

Gettingbysomehow · Today 13:22
I'm in my 60's and my husband unexpectedly left me a few years ago for another woman. We had loads of plans for retirement hobbies, we were going to set up a small business to bring in a bit of money and had planned to move to the South West an area we always loved.
At first I thought my life was over but then I thought to hell with him, and I did it all my myself. Moved to the south west, the business is booming and I've made loads of friends.
I'm perfectly happy.

i love your story, you are a hero and a star

Due to DH family medical history I am aware that it is fairly likely that I will become his carer and then lose him. I have friends and hobbies etc but I know that I will not find it easy to be alone in my house and not have someone to make silly conversation with/watch TV with in the evenings, potter round the garden with etc. I love the idea of some sort of shared house for older (but independent) women. I really hope that somehow this becomes a thing. I have had older relatives who lived in retirement flats and I found these places rather sad- there were lots of rules about decor/visitors etc and shared spaces felt very institutional, so I don't fancy that. I'm thinking more like a group of women in a similar situation who just share a home, but know that I'm likely to be the first of my friends to be in this situation so it's unlikely that anyone I already know would be up for it. I wonder if when the time comes we could all meet on gransnet and organise house-shares!

I love the idea of some sort of shared house for older (but independent) women. I really hope that somehow this becomes a thing.

@GreatBigBoots preferably with ensuite rooms, decent wifi (and can I bring the cat)? The thought of live-in companionship would make old age so much easier for many people.

No op, it isn't just you who worries about it.

12 year age gap here, so yes it is a worry. I do have a small circle of friends but I keep imagining that I will be the first to experience this and won't have anyone in the same boat (though I wouldn't wish this on anyone). I do have dcs and a sibling but this is no gaurantee for consistent companionship/support etc. as they will have their own lives.

Agreed, it is the companionship thing - having someone to not do things with which seems the hardest. It is the loneliness/isolation that bothers me the most as I have money to pay for things like a cleaner etc. My grandmother used to weep with loneliness years after my grandfather died so this has heightened my anxiety.

The houseshare for women seems like an inspiring proposition but is not a widespread thing yet (hopefully this will become a thing of the future but needs women to drive this forward). Age UK have a scheme whereby a younger person lives with an older person and agrees to support them for a set number of hours (around 10 or so a week I think) plus a few evenings companionship a week in return for paying cheap rent. I think this could probably work well especially if they have similar interests.

I think there is still a long way to go for all of this. I'm keeping my fingers crossed and hoping that things progress in the next 10 years or so.

I have a close group of friends and we have said when we get older we will pool our money, buy a big house and employ some carers and live there together drinking gin. 😁

@Mischance im glad things are going ok for you. Hope the holiday goes well, where are you going?

I worry about this too. My husband and I are the same age, so no idea who will go first. I'm sure I'd manage without him but he's my best friend and the love of my life so other friends etc just wouldn't cut it. I feel glad to have found someone I love so much but losing him would be the hardest thing to bear.

It’s the part of marriage no one seems to mention – everyone focuses on getting together and staying together, but then ‘til death do us part’ …… there’s no guidance for that bit!

Today is sunny and mild in my part of the country, if only I could shake this unease about DH dying first, I would relax into my life and enjoy the sunshine. I could spend years fretting about this, only to die first myself.

@Mischance im glad things are going ok for you. Hope the holiday goes well, where are you going?

Thank you - I'm off to Pembrokeshire, a place that I love.

My Nan lost her husband in her 50s. She's now 86 so she's had 30+ years alone. She does a lot of walking and has a social group from that, and she does a lot of luncheon club type socials, she sees my mum and her grandchildren and great grandchildren regularly. I think you need to make sure you keep up hobbies and a circle of friends independent of your partner to make sure you have company, is the main thing!

Perhaps this sounds awful but I hope my husband dies first (which I am assuming that he will, as he is 10 years older).

I think I would be better able to cope with daily life without him than he would without me.

I do agree re hobbies my mother moans she sees nobody. We call where we can. You have to do a bit for yourself too I think. But not easy. I have a dog he gets me out.

Good point @EmmaEmerald
I think it's too easy to romanticise cultures where the elderly are taken care of by their families. It is a lovely notion but it can often lead to suffocating levels of dependency on adult children and a lot of grinding day to day work and sacrifice for women of the family in terms of their freedom and privacy. What I would like to see is a happy middle ground between white British culture, where a lot of elderly are lonely and isolated, and cultures like India, where the elderly get taken care of in their older years by their own, but can also end up completely dominating the lives of their adult children and calling all the shots, and not making any effort to make their own friendships or to fill their time (I am speaking as someone with a foot in both cultures so it is coming from experience)