Do older men act as single men in a relationship

[Livelifelaughter]

Just a debate topic. I have had a few dates and relationships with men in their mid 50s, same age as me. For the most part they seem to live a life of numerous weekend breaks and holidays with male friends (around every other month and most bank holidays), Christmas, Easter etc are with their ex partners and adult children, further holidays with adult children etc. And various other activities with the overall feeling that the relationship is squished into an existing life and their essentially single. Is this a common experience?

People can be in very committed long-term monogamous relationships while still being very independent and with no intention to ever live together

This is 100% true. BUT, its also not wrong for OP to want a relationship where living together is the final goal. Plenty of people do want that and it doesnt make them wrong. Lots of posters on this thread keep talking about how they want separate lives which is absolutely fine but that doesnt sound like its what the OP wants and she does have a right to want the kind of relationship that she feels is best for her. I feel like lots of people in this thread are almost implying that because they enjoy living separately and are quite happy that the OP should want that too. But she doesnt (I presume). This is why discussions about what commitment actually means to each person are so important.

That was me. And OK, I'll be more graphic although my first post was trying to allude....I divorced the man that probably had sex either me probably dozen times over a 13 year marriage. I want to find someone that can't keep their hands off me and I can make love with whenever I want as long as they are willing. That's the gold standard of a relationship to me but I was trying not to be so crude. Does that clarify?

That sounds miserable and no wonder you want something very different. However, not keeping your hands off someone is generally an easier state of affairs to achieve if the relationship is fun, you see each other when you want, you both have space, and you're not putting up with someone's snoring every day or washing their pants. So I think you need to reframe this because actually the "going to sleep together and waking up together every morning" or worse still living together is probably the biggest passion killer you could put in place.

It can be achieved in a marriage or cohabiting but is far harder, hence why so many marriages fail. People expect one person to fulfil all their needs. It happens for a few but my God, it's so much to ask and so unlikely and also, why put yourself in that situation where your life revolves around just one person? Much healthier to have a life where different needs are fulfilled by different people.

m.youtube.com/watch?v=sa0RUmGTCYY

Oh of course, I agree. Hence me saying in my posts that if this is what the OP wants she needs to be upfront about that early on in dating and also look at the type of people she is dating to find people who are likely to want that, too. Because tbh at this stage of life it's not the norm, so not something you can just expect to happen or classify as "natural progression" and then be upset the other person doesn't want that, because the reality is many, many people won't.

I'm sure some do, we are all different. I was just trying to explain why many, many will not. And that doesn't mean they don't love or value or care deeply about the other person. It just can't be expected that that is how a relationship will "progress" without explicitly discussing that because many people will have a hard boundary that they just do not want that type of relationship again. So I think those that do will have to be very clear about that upfront and not expect it to happen if not discussed, or then get cross when the other person is not on the same page!

I think some need a partner more to finance them and pool resources. If you already have been married have adult dc, your own property it becomes more complicated with wills/asset division and lots of people aren't willing to do that.

Completely agree! Its so important people have compatible expectations when it comes to relationships. You can have amazing chemistry with someone but if they want essentially different things in life its going to be very hard to make it work without one of compromising on something that you may end up resenting further down the line.

That's interesting.
I have felt with these men that they aren't that committed to the relationship because they are worried about it splitting up, there's a pessimism to it.

Again I think this is conflating different issues. They can be committed to you without wanting to live together, or get married (and very understandable few will want to do that, especially if they have children: people want to ensure their assets go to their children. No need to complicate or take risks with such stuff, and children even if adults of course should be prioritised like this over a new partner and even if you stay together to the end, that would risk their children's inheritance without a load of expensive legal work). So it's not pessimism, it's realism. Relationships do break down, people who've been through the devastation that can cause if financially entangled or married or even cohabiting if jointly owning property for example know this and have no desire to do that again and would be silly to have a blind belief that a relationship will be forever. Especially only six months in as you said! But even after years. Why would they? When living with someone often kills the fun anyway, starts to make you find their little quirks annoying instead, will likely feel stifling and claustrophobic after years of having your own space, having to adjust your routines and setup to suit them. When there really is no need and it's unclear what the benefits of this would be, if you can see someone when you want to and both enjoy it and still have that space and freedom and focus the relationship on romance and fun only, not housework and finances and all of those complications. It's just not what many people want, and that's ok. Just as it's ok for you to want something more akin to the relationships people tend to establish earlier in life. I think the disconnect here may be that you assumed people would be looking to replicate something similar to that in this stage of life when many won't be. So if that's what you want, search for a man who also wants that and be upfront about it, don't assume (because many women aren't looking for that either! So men can't be expected to know you are).

Completely agree! Its so important people have compatible expectations when it comes to relationships. You can have amazing chemistry with someone but if they want essentially different things in life its going to be very hard to make it work without one of compromising on something that you may end up resenting further down the line.

Yes. Resentment is the biggest killer, and breeds contempt and then there's no way back. You are spot on: establishing you are looking for the same things and want the same kind of life is probably the most important thing otherwise it will inevitably make both people miserable. And then, what's the point?

@PolkadotZebrasAndStripyGiraffes you are absolutely correct. Many men (and women) have been there and got the T shirt and found over time for various reasons the T shirt no longer fits. Also a lot have people have been screwed over financially (or at least made considerably poorer) and don't want to risk putting themselves in that position again with joint assets.

I think OP (and it's not a criticism at all) you are probably a deeply romantic person who wants that bone aching deep connection/committment that sometimes borders on co- dependency. I think ironically you would like my DH- he is somewhat that way too. I used to be so too, but no longer am after he blotted his copybook and realised I was somewhat vulnerable after making him my life.

All I will say is I think you need to be right upfront about what you are after- if it's living together and feeling totally like the relationship should be the priority and focus then don't mess around with guys who want maybe 3 nights a month when they can 'fit you in' - it might be quite a small pool to fish from though and don't be suprised if they haven't got particularly full lives outside of 'you' .

The thing is I will never love anyone more than my DC. I want everything I own to go to her , seen too many things when the estate goes to the spouse and the DC get hardly anything. That might be selfish but I don't care, I'm guessing many men feel the same.

@Feefooo totally understand that- and yes it does happen

Absolutely this, as well as the day-to-day enjoyment of life issues. Remarrying when you have children and assets to pass down to them I think is utterly reckless tbh. And in your 50s or even 40s, what would be the purpose of it? What is to be gained by being married if you already have your children? Or complicating finances with jointly owned property with a partner etc? For most people, this will be a very bad idea (aside from the fact many people simply won't want to live with somebody anyway). It would be quite a selfish thing to do and lead to all kinds of potential complications when you're gone. People who've been through divorces already would have to be a bit unhinged to this this is a palatable idea, compared to a relationship of nice dinners out, sex, companionship and holidays and no complications around money and boring stuff around housework.

I can sort of see why people might marry or cohabit if both had no children, wanted constant companionship as they felt isolated, and had no concerns about inheritance etc. But in most cases it won't be what people want especially in 50s if they've saved hard, got retirement funds in place, are looking forward to more time and their lives finally being about more freedom and fun. Relationships should add to that, not be a drag on it.

And it applies to women too! Many who've been the higher earner, stung by divorce, worked incredibly hard at careers as single mothers and now financially secure, dealt with the fallout of cocklodgers. Once bitten, twice shy. I presume many men who got divorced and lost half their assets and pensions, often to partners who didn't even work or very part-time, feel similarly stung and have no illusions that marrying or cohabiting is domestic bliss. 😆 It's just not many people's aim. They want connection, fun, romance, love, but not that. Which they know will often kill the aforementioned and make them feel trapped and miserable. And then risk their kids getting what they worked for! Or having to disentangle finances and move house again if wanting to end a relationship: no thanks!

It's just different mindsets. So like a PP said, be clear about what you want. There will be people who want what you want OP, but don't assume. Many women have also had to ditch men who presume that a relationship has to "progress" to cohabiting and push and push for that and won't accept it doesn't mean you care about them any less, it's just not a life you want. If OLD be clear in your profile that this is what you want, people can't be expected to know that.

Fully agree...
Those who have built an interesting and financially secure life, can spot em a mile away when dating.

I once heard "but in a relationship people should aim to pool their resources and build a life together".
My translation was "It's dawned on me at this age I'm not in a great financial position and I'm bored because I lack imagination and energy to do things".

Ok, you're not for me, jog on 😂

@PolkadotZebrasAndStripyGiraffes absolutely. The other thing is if you are a single, attractive, solvent intelligent woman in her late 40s through to 60's- there's lots of you.

Men on the other hand- it's slim pickings post late 40's. Most of the attractive, solvent , non weird ones are still partnered up , or are as we have said inundated with lots of interested women and hence can quite enjoy playing the field.

I know many single/separated people in this age group who virtually had to get a 'pass out' to do anything at all without their partner/H/w and aren't keen to be in that position again, at this moment in time -much as they would like someone in their life they care deeply about and any whiff of it going like that- they will end things.

Yep then take the kids inheritance lol 😆. They use the line I want to be married because it's commitment etc no mostly it's because you want to feather your nest.

So to be clear, I have a successful career, am financially independent, live in central London in my own flat. Do not wish to live with someone.
What I am saying is that the men I have encountered in my age group seem to find spending a weekend and a day or so in the week and planning holidays even too much because they are always putting other things in their life first.

So to be clear, I have a successful career, am financially independent, live in central London in my own flat. Do not wish to live with someone.
What I am saying is that the men I have encountered in my age group seem to find spending a weekend and a day or so in the week and planning holidays even too much because they are always putting other things in their life first.
@Livelifelaughter

We'll not to put too fine a point on it, sometimes you just have to accept he's maybe just not that into you.
And move on to find someone that is.

Well I would agree, but it's not just one person...and also a lot of pp on this thread say that people don't need to adjust their lives and it's fine to squeeze a relationship into an existing social timeline

@Livelifelaughter I'm afraid it's very much a numbers game and it's simply you haven't yet met anyone that liked you 'enough' to put you as a huge priority in their life- without cutting out other people/activities they see as a priority -harsh I know -but it happens. It's not a reflection on you it's just how it is I think in that age group.

If they are so busy they clearly are spending some time planning/ organising things. It sounds like these men aren't that interested, but I don't think that's 1true of all more mature relationships where the parties have busy lives.

And as a woman that has no children, this is why I would prefer a partner with no children as well. It feel more equal, that we would be each other's emotional priority and number 1.

And as a woman that has no children, this is why I would prefer a partner with no children as well. It feel more equal, that we would be each other's emotional priority and number 1

That makes sense. You shouldn't expect that from someone with children and frankly, if someone who does have children/ grandchildren prioritises you over them then there is something wrong.

Like a pp wrote, there aren't many really desirable available men who are older, and those that are will be with as many women as they can be.
So if you are being fitted into someone's busy schedule, you can be sure that you won't be the only one waiting for a slot.

Well, after 7 or so years of this ‘fun only dating in a committed relationship’ in my 50s it turns out that this formula is reaching an expiration date for me. Nothing to do with money, lack of friends, hobbies, professional goals, family etc. It just starts to feel superficial. I miss waking up next to my partner every day, I miss going shopping, sharing house chores, watching telly - just the most trivial things. The kind of everyday commitment to each other, with the boring stuff. Interestingly, it looks like I’m in a minority with having such needs.

Provenza

what you want sounds lovely !
bit I can’t imagine it , as I’m a single parent and I’m under no illusions that a stepdad would gel

but I’d like what you want one day
can’t imagine it mind 😂