Do older men act as single men in a relationship

[Livelifelaughter]

Just a debate topic. I have had a few dates and relationships with men in their mid 50s, same age as me. For the most part they seem to live a life of numerous weekend breaks and holidays with male friends (around every other month and most bank holidays), Christmas, Easter etc are with their ex partners and adult children, further holidays with adult children etc. And various other activities with the overall feeling that the relationship is squished into an existing life and their essentially single. Is this a common experience?

But can't you have those things bar the sex with friends? I certainly do.

I don't think it's necessary to live with someone to be in a serious relationship.

My point is that some pp on this thread seem to not even do the things you have mentioned together as they seem to live very separate lives seeing each other now and then when their social calendar allows

I'll not hide the fact we're both high earners with equity and significant provision for the future. So it takes away any need to couple up from that perspective. And I do appreciate and even know many people in (sometimes compromised) relationships because life is 'easier as a team vs going solo'.

We often say we need to want each other, but it's important we don't need each other. I think it helps that we're both very independent and not needy. And without saying it I think we're both more than capable of attracting someone if one of us isn't bringing the magic. So keeps both party's on their toes! Which personally I find more exciting. But I've been told my many they couldn't do it, each to their own 😂

The sometimes once a month only was me! So I can answer. Yes, practical reasons. His son was struggling and it was taking all his spare time to focus on sorting that. Then I had/wanted to go abroad for a competition for a week immediately following on. We texted hundreds of times a day instead.

We would have dumped each other if we were a few people on this thread; but ironically, we're too close to dump over logistics!

That makes sense, it's nice not as though you were putting hobbies and other friendships ahead of each other or not communicating in between.

Yes, that's what people are trying to say. It's lovely to have a relationship whereby if you can't see each other for a month, the other one isn't dumping you on the basis of it not being a serious relationship. It's nice to have that freedom.

It's a genuine question. I am not saying your relationship is pointless. I am asking if you do so much apart what aspects of being in a relationship matter to you? I don't mean that to come across as rude , but the purpose of the post was to try to understand why men often in their 50s have relationships other than for sex and sporadic company although they won't admit that. Many women have responded by saying they are in relationships where they don't do very much with their partners and are happy with that, so that's why I asked what's the reason for just being single then, assuming that there's not a financial need to share a home.

Sorry typo, " what's the reason for not remaining single"

Why do see it as putting friendships ahead of eachother? It’s not a competition.

So far, you asked what was the point of my relationship even though and I live with my partner. Then said what’s the point if you don’t see eachother. But ignored people asking you to clarify.

Then said you think going go a month is fine as long as it’s for set reasons and there’s texting. So it’s not the not seeing eachother.

You also don’t think you need to live together for it to be serious. Or live in eachothers pockets. But still questioning peoples relationships where they don’t live together (or even do in my case) and don’t live in eachothers pockets.

I am not sure you know, really what you are looking for. And it’s just different to what these men want, but maybe you can’t pin it down as to why you don’t want what they want? Is that a possibility?

I think the reason is really important, having a child that needs attention is something that you would hope their father would be caring enough to prioritise. It would bother me though if I was never a priority compared to basically social activities. I hate the expression but I would consider it a red flag if someone didn't look after their children regardless of age when they needed help.

Honestly, for me, it's the dream. Living apart is a luxury few people can afford. Like a poster upthread detailed you literally get all the lovely bits of a relationship, without having to have an argument over the dishes or who's left a skid. It's possibly borne, for 50 year olds, of our previous LTRs which didn't work out and the mark that leaves.

I think a lot of what you have said is out of context.

This thread has been about whether women in their 50s find that they aren't a priority in men's life of a similar age.

OP , I think that the difference is that some people are together because they enjoy each and feel loved and loving towards each other. Other people need to be with someone. These, I think are often people who pose questions about who will be there to take care of you in tour old age, who will be there if you need help, etc?

I think that people who want to be together because they enjoy time spent together , but know that they are compete and capable of handling wherever life brings them can maintain loving relationships in a variety of ways.

It think some other older people ( women more than men,) are looking less for a companion, lover, and friend, but more for a safety net.

One poster mentioned looking for someone who adores her and is there when she goes to bed and there when she wakes up in the morning. For me adoration belongs more in church than in mere mortal relationships, and this same poster was divorced from the last person who was there when she went to sleep and there when she woke up. So I doubt that I would bet my last dollars on the sleep/wake up situation as representing the gold standard in relation value.

Ideally, healthy people find what works for them personally and place less value on some universal relationship structure.

That was me. And OK, I'll be more graphic although my first post was trying to allude....I divorced the man that probably had sex either me probably dozen times over a 13 year marriage. I want to find someone that can't keep their hands off me and I can make love with whenever I want as long as they are willing. That's the gold standard of a relationship to me but I was trying not to be so crude. Does that clarify?

@TheSnootiestFox
Can't say that you don't clearly know what you want, and I respect the fact that you make no pretense about love.

Good for you, if you are as honest with your potential partners as you were in that statement , you will probably find a taker or 2.

I do all those things, even the golf. I'm a 54 year old with man,

With man?? WOMAN

I think it will be my best friend and vice versa who help more with caring, aging and dying. It happened like that for my grandmother and other relatives. Men in general aren't good at that.

Yes that's probably true. Those men would be wise to be looking for women similar to themselves: independent, financially secure, high earners, busy lives as well. If people are instead looking for a live-in partner and someone who needs and wants to share finances or has a lot of free time a little focus on career/ travel etc then their dating pool needs to reflect the type of person and relationship they are seeking. You can't go after one type of person then try to turn them into somebody else.

It's interesting, perhaps more of the first long-term relationships earlier in life would last the course if people adopted the same approach to those also. Many seem to fall apart because people choose partners who were never going to be compatible with them over the long-term, in an equal relationship with the same values and approaches to life.

Sounds ideal to be honest, if I'm not with DH then I would want to be the same. If you have friends and hobbies you enjoy I don't see why you can't date and balance them all by the time you're in your 50s. I suspect most people have had their children if they want them, have had marriages and serious relationships and perhaps see it as a new phase in life; more women should do the same if they don't already. I don't think relationships need to look the same at all stages of life, as long as both parties are cool with it sounds good.

You mean will they try to get the benefits of being in a relationship without putting in any effort themselves or bearing any of the cost of the relationship?
Absolutely they will if they can get away with it

But why should there be a cost? There's no reason at this stage in life why you'd bother with a relationship at all if it didn't simply add to your life and make you both more happy. People will already mostly have adult children, their own homes, be financially secure, have busy careers, retirement funds, lots of friends, busy social lives. Why should there be a cost to adding a relationship? It should just bring fun and joy, once the years of sacrifice for raising a family etc are behind you!

Yes!

Really? So how do you actually get a family if a relationship never was a priority? I am not talking about elderly parents or children here. I think if you're not able to adjust your life it's because you don't see the relationship as having an importance.

I think many people sacrificing a lot with relationships earlier in life through marriage, entangling finances, all of the drudgery that comes from living with a partner, feeling trapped because lives are so enmeshed you can't end it easily even if it has run its course and love it gone. Many were burned and learned their lesson, and so what they want now from a relationship is entirely different. Not dependency, not spending all your time with someone and making everything about them. There are so many hours per day and having recovered from situation like that people usually aren't looking to do the same again!

Rather a companion to have fun with, date, go on holiday with sometimes, spend time with when convenient for both around the rest of their lives. But not to replicate another marriage type situation. That doesn't mean people won't become committed to each other or care about each other deeply but that doesn't mean putting them above everything else in your life or doing everything together or sacrificing other parts of life for them, and why should it?

I think perhaps if looking to date people who want to replicate the model of early life relationships with cohabiting or spending most of your free time together you'd need to be very upfront about that in the first few dates/ dating profiles as it won't be what many people at this age are looking for so you'd need to be clear from the outset this is your expectation rather than expect it. The same way a woman of 38 who wants marriage and children would need to be upfront about that with potential partners.

Sorry, what I meant was that after a couple of dates with guys in this age bracket I can tell from their talk about previous relationships that they really are after something casual. Whereas I have been out with guys who say they want something serious and after months it's pretty obvious that they also want something very casual too. I appreciate that I didn't say that.

I also think it's important not to conflate casual/ serious with whether people spend all their time with you or want to live together etc. These are very different things.

People can be in very committed long-term monogamous relationships while still being very independent and with no intention to ever live together.

Yes that is what we are discussing. I don’t get your point.

I don’t think it is just men. I think men are more comfortable with just going ahead and doing it. But many women of a similar age feel the same.

But you view that as pointless. But then also say you agree their relationship works. That’s why I said you don’t seem to be able to pin point what a relationship would be to do that it didn’t feel ‘pointless’.

Yes exactly. You've explained what I was trying to but better! People who are financially secure and busy and happy often would shudder at the idea of trying to replicate the domestic setup of previous relationships earlier in life and the relationship being the main focus of everything.

If this is what you want OP you need to search for people in a similar situation with a similar mindset, as many men will not be looking for that at all and will find plenty of similar women who also have successful careers, financial security, busy lives and no desire to live together etc either. Just want a companion for nice dates, sex, holidays and fun: all the good parts of relationships with no hassle or drudgery!