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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

If you think your partner doesn’t have time for an affair, think again

883 replies

toooldforthisshite · 11/05/2023 18:44

They will find a way. Even the most seemingly gentle, respectable guy, you know, the one who everyone says ‘he would never’. They do.
They will invite their side bit to their work during work hours if necessary to avoid having to make excuses as to why they are late home. They will wait for you to fall asleep then start chatting to her. They will delete every message they receive or send.

OP posts:
OKwhatsNext · 11/05/2023 22:36

Well this is depressing... I think I'm going to crack on (naive?) With life until I have to think otherwise. I can't be THAT wife that checks that my DH is in fact playing candy crush or rushing over for a snoop because oh wow, his phone is unlocked. I don't mean to be dismissive, I've been there in my past and it's really really shit. But I also need to trust the relationship I'm in else what the hell am I doing anyway 🤷🏼 May as well be a nun or a hermit. People are capable of all sorts of shit btw, not just cheating (that would make me leave faster in some cases too)

ImaniThePrefect · 11/05/2023 22:37

Squareclock · 11/05/2023 19:13

No, it just means they've never met the "right" combination of circumstances. Most people wouldn't cheat just because they can. Everyone one is capable of it when faced with enough driving factors.

Show quote history

Very true.

SapphireStar77 · 11/05/2023 22:40

mydogisthebest · 11/05/2023 22:22

NO, these things do not just happen. Absolute rubbish.

Yes it's possible to have feelings for someone other than your OH but you don't have to act on them do you? Well not if you have any intelligence and morals you don't.

My head would always win. I would never ever join the cheaters club.

Show quote history

These things do just happen!

BigFatLiar · 11/05/2023 22:42

Thelaughingtonepoliceman · 11/05/2023 22:35

No one's saying everyone will cheat, butneveryone is capable of it.

This is it exactly. It's not that all men want to cheat and will do at the first opportunity. That's not what the OP is saying. Plenty of men will lack the impetus, energy and opportunity. Some will avoid it on moral grounds. Plenty will avoid it because they perceive it to be too risky.

But I think the OP is right that all men have the potential to cheat if the circumstances allow for it.

And I certainly think anyone who says they are 100% certain their spouse or partner will never cheat is deluding themselves. This doesn't mean they will cheat. But by definition you can never be 100% certain. It's simply not possible. I don't understand how anyone can make that claim.

Indeed and all men have the potential to win an Olympic marathon or pilot an f35 or become an astronaut or...

And by the same rules all women are pottential cheaters (or Olympic athletes etc).

PinkyFlamingo · 11/05/2023 22:45

toooldforthisshite · 11/05/2023 20:43

@MayThe4th im not sneering at anyone. It’s reality, however grim.

Except its not reality. Its your opinion.

Mangotime · 11/05/2023 22:47

If 100% of people would cheat if they could, should we be getting worked up about it?

Original poster
toooldforthisshite · 11/05/2023 22:49

@MayThe4th hope you will stay happy in your ignorance is bliss life.

OP posts:
Scousebloke · 11/05/2023 22:56

The op got cheated on so tgetefore everyine must be a cheater. Stating it as fact. Its not. The end.

Thelaughingtonepoliceman · 11/05/2023 22:56

@BigFatLiar

Indeed and all men have the potential to win an Olympic marathon or pilot an f35 or become an astronaut or...

But people don’t usually post on threads saying they are 100% certain their spouse won’t win an Olympic marathon.

Its just ridiculous to assert that you can ever know someone won’t cheat for certain.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 11/05/2023 23:06

I agree with you, OP. I think some posters are so terrified with what's being stated here that they're not reading properly. The 'not my Nigel' stance is some sort of talisman for some.

People didn't used to live for so long. Now they do. Vows are a contract for only as long as one of the parties agrees to abide by them.

I'm sorry for your realisation, OP, it's come at a terrible cost and it is very often a complete shock. I understand where you're coming from and I also understand the posters furiously dashing off defences too.

mydogisthebest · 11/05/2023 23:07

SapphireStar77 · 11/05/2023 22:40

These things do just happen!

Show quote history

NO they don't. You have to make the decision to have sex with someone. As I said before, your clothes don't magically fly off and you find yourself having sex with someone without knowing how or why.

Cheaters make pathetic excuses that they never meant for it to happen, they don't know how it happened blah blah blah.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 11/05/2023 23:08

"La, la, la... I'm not listening..."

WisherWood · 11/05/2023 23:09

MayThe4th · 11/05/2023 20:40

This thread is incredibly unpleasant.

Of course some people cheat, and of course sometimes the other partner will be oblivious, but that doesn’t mean everyone will, and the whole “if you think insert situation> then you’re wrong,” is nothing short of sneering at people who have the nerve to be in trusting relationships.

It’s as good as wishing affairs on people because you’ve been through one.

I’m sorry for those who have been cheated on, but perhaps instead of being so bitter and sneering at people whose partners haven’t cheated, pretty much coming across as if you hope they do, you ought to find yourself a good therapist.

This. I'm aware that there's an outside chance that my DP, at some point, might cheat. But I'd rather conduct my relationship on the basis that he's a decent man and it's highly unlikely. Some people have happy, loving relationships and remain faithful to each other. And it's sad that others have been hurt, but lashing out and saying everyone is capable of infidelity isn't really the right answer.

Tailfeather · 11/05/2023 23:11

Wow! This is a depressing thread!

Thelaughingtonepoliceman · 11/05/2023 23:19

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe

I agree with you, OP. I think some posters are so terrified with what's being stated here that they're not reading properly. The 'not my Nigel' stance is some sort of talisman for some.

Totally. It’s completely hysterical to argue (as one poster suggested) that a thread suggesting that more people cheat than some may suspect should be deleted.

It’s OK to have trust in your spouse but also acknowledge that you can never have total certainty. The two are not inconsistent. Why are people frothing at the mouth at the mere suggestion that some cheaters fly under the radar?

Morewineplease10 · 11/05/2023 23:19

I agree with op and sadly think men are far more likely to be tempted.

CharlotteRumpling · 11/05/2023 23:21

I am fine with not having total certainty though because what's the alternative?

SleepingStandingUp · 11/05/2023 23:23

happinessischocolate · 11/05/2023 19:58

This is nuts

Do the people agreeing with OP also think that everyone will steal from you given the temptation of enough cash?

Whilst I agree that never think anyone could not cheat or steal, that's not the same as thinking everyone would

Yes pertinent a slightly better analogy then murder as there's less ethics.

Do the prime who go through life assuming their DP is once chance away from an affair / forever single because all men are cheats also ensure they never have anyone close to them because anyone could chest them / steal from them / steak their identity etc?

Or is legality a barrier they don't think people will cross?

But surely it still kills any platonic friendships because given a chance they'll screw you over, lie to you, manipulate you etc.

Thelaughingtonepoliceman · 11/05/2023 23:23

CharlotteRumpling · 11/05/2023 23:21

I am fine with not having total certainty though because what's the alternative?

That’s absolutely fine but people routinely say on these threads that they are “100% certain” their husbands would never cheat.

Trust is not the same as blind faith.

rumpsteak · 11/05/2023 23:25

toooldforthisshite · 11/05/2023 18:51

Don’t kid yourself. If it’s on offer they will take it.

What utter nonsense.

SleepingStandingUp · 11/05/2023 23:27

toooldforthisshite · 11/05/2023 21:58

@5128gap yes but my point is, quite often there are NO signs. NO red flags, NO change in behaviour at all.

Well I guess everyone should dump their partners now, rip their family apart because accord to this thread, he is absolutely a cheat and I'm also probably a cheat I just don't know it yet.
I'll tell DH in the morning it's over cos I know he's a cheat eh.

Maebh9 · 11/05/2023 23:33

This is a mean thread. Mean people probably have a slightly more depressing experience of relationships than is necessarily representative.

Life is (usually) long and things can happen but love can elevate you if you let it.

VonThorn · 11/05/2023 23:34

What a mad, sad thread.

There's also more than a whiff of arrogance about the "well, if it happened to ME, then Jesus, no-one is safe" attitude.

Some people will cheat. Others won't. To say otherwise is obviously ludicrous and also assumes that EVERYONE wants to have sex. Some people don't.

Obviously according to this thread, we're all just a whiff of Chanel Pour L'Homme or a tipsy sex-eye away from all shagging each other, but thankfully, some of us are somehow capable of sticking with Not Shagging Other People.

BadNomad · 11/05/2023 23:38

It's like those people who say "No one would hand a lost wallet in to the police. You say you would, but you wouldn't. You'd keep the cash for yourself. There is no way you wouldn't keep it if no one would find out."
They just can't understand that other people genuinely do have different morals and beliefs that would stop them from doing something wrong/immoral.

27penny · 11/05/2023 23:40

I agree that most men would if they had the chance.. a high % and i have good reason to believe it. Obvs there are lots who don't, there are one off regrets, full blown affairs and serial cheats.. but i don't see the point of the thread cos we all know that from being on MN.. I'd also think most women have an idea if their fella is 😬 like if they are being truthful to themselves. 'Not my Nigel' tho

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