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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

If you think your partner doesn’t have time for an affair, think again

883 replies

toooldforthisshite · 11/05/2023 18:44

They will find a way. Even the most seemingly gentle, respectable guy, you know, the one who everyone says ‘he would never’. They do.
They will invite their side bit to their work during work hours if necessary to avoid having to make excuses as to why they are late home. They will wait for you to fall asleep then start chatting to her. They will delete every message they receive or send.

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 11/05/2023 23:42

Why are the frantic posters putting themselves through it, reading this thread? If it's so awful and depressing, and, and, and... why upset yourselves?

The woeful lack of comprehension belies the fear that the OP must somehow be right (she is).

Does it mean that your husband will have an affair - absolutely? No. He may not have the opportunity or the right circumstances and so it will not come to pass. Same for you. Only the very silly would infer that OP is projecting or inflicting or trying to summon up support for cheating or any number of bonkers statements that have been made.

BriarHare · 11/05/2023 23:43

That’s true of some men and some women.

It’s very idiotic to say all men will have affairs if they get the chance. Because it isn’t true. Bitterness doesn’t make you right.

ASBneighbour · 11/05/2023 23:47

If no warning signs now did you find out @toooldforthisshite

BreviloquentBastard · 11/05/2023 23:48

Only on Mumsnet will you find a thread full of people being smug and sneery and sanctimonious because they've been cheated on and have decided this somehow makes them superior to those of us "naïve" enough to trust our partners.

It's not even the weekend yet.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 11/05/2023 23:50

Ah yes, 'bitterness', the insult of choice for the terrified...

I don't know if the OP is bitter. I'm not bitter. I'm awake to the possibilities and plan accordingly. Sort of like making a will. You don't know when you will need it but, you make it and you're covered. It's not needed again until it is.

No need to be rude to the OP though. Have the wit to understand that they are coming to terms with some serious ground shifting in their life.

Humanbiology · 11/05/2023 23:54

CharlotteRumpling · 11/05/2023 23:21

I am fine with not having total certainty though because what's the alternative?

You could live the life as a player live for the sex with no attachment.

Confusion101 · 11/05/2023 23:57

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/05/2023 20:51

I’m assuming you’ve also cheated OP or are 100% sure you would?

Love this response!! This thread is awful! 🙈

frozendaisy · 12/05/2023 00:07

Squareclock · 11/05/2023 19:51

I don't think most people would get anything out of murder? It surely doesn't meet a need for most people in the way that sex does.

Show quote history

Murder, fraud, cheating, high rise rescue, skydiving, just saying every human has the potential to do everything a human might do "under the right circumstances"

It seems like everyone was thinking everyone is a cheater whether they have actually cheated or not. And how do you live life like that?

bd67thSaysReinstateLangCleg · 12/05/2023 00:10

Sunnydays0101 · 11/05/2023 19:03

What’s the right combination of circumstances though ??

I’m married over 20 years, never had an affair, never even thought about it and can’t imagine I ever will. Probably because I’m happy with my circumstances.

Show quote history

Lemme see, partner becomes disabled or seriously ill and can't have or doesn't want sex any more, travel for work and meet someone you fancy and have a one-nighter, fallen out of love with partner but staying together for the children, you find out that he's cheated and want a revenge fling...

Namechange20222022 · 12/05/2023 00:12

OP, how can you say with 100% certainty that someone will have an affair. Especially others know that someone well and are pretty sure they wouldn’t/haven’t (obviously can never be 100% sure either way!).

bd67thSaysReinstateLangCleg · 12/05/2023 00:14

BadNomad · 11/05/2023 23:38

It's like those people who say "No one would hand a lost wallet in to the police. You say you would, but you wouldn't. You'd keep the cash for yourself. There is no way you wouldn't keep it if no one would find out."
They just can't understand that other people genuinely do have different morals and beliefs that would stop them from doing something wrong/immoral.

I once phoned the number on the bank card inside a wallet I found to ask the bank to give my phone number to the owner so that she could arrange to collect it from me. She bought me a bottle of wine to thank me.

Wouldn't hand in a £50 if I found it because there's no way to identify the owner.

frozendaisy · 12/05/2023 00:15

toooldforthisshite · 11/05/2023 20:37

You cannot compare murder to basic human desires.

There is another basic human desire, the desire to be a decent husband and dad. The desire that deception and sex elsewhere isn't worth fucking up your whole life. The love from your wife, the love from your children. Being left with a grey empty shell when you currently have the relationship, home, job, future, a family which gives you more laughter and colour than an illicit tumble behind the bike sheds could ever provide and everything else which was beyond what you dared to dream.

There is the human desire to protect that above everything else. Is that so hard to believe?

DreamTheMoors · 12/05/2023 00:15

Mine was classic:

Pilot - flight attendant.

Now he’s her problem.

BadNomad · 12/05/2023 00:22

bd67thSaysReinstateLangCleg · 12/05/2023 00:14

I once phoned the number on the bank card inside a wallet I found to ask the bank to give my phone number to the owner so that she could arrange to collect it from me. She bought me a bottle of wine to thank me.

Wouldn't hand in a £50 if I found it because there's no way to identify the owner.

Show quote history

You can tell yourself that, but it's not true. The person who lost it might ask at the police station, or at the shops, or retrace their route and check the ground. But they won't find it because you took it.

bd67thSaysReinstateLangCleg · 12/05/2023 00:23

You can never really know someone. You cannot see inside their head. You have to rely on outward words and behaviours and these can be faked. So the OP has a point that you can never be sure that your DP won't cheat, even if there's some proportion of men who never would.

As for the NAMALT people, get lost. What you're saying may be true, but it's not helpful right now. If he'd hit her or raped her, would you jump on the thread saying NAMALT or would you recognise a soul in pain and give some space for her to fee that pain in? The difference between cheating and DV is merely a matter of degree: both harm the wife (including physically because he can bring HPV home to give her cervical cancer and all the other STIs) and both betray her trust in her husband and hy extension men as a class.

bd67thSaysReinstateLangCleg · 12/05/2023 00:30

BadNomad · 12/05/2023 00:22

You can tell yourself that, but it's not true. The person who lost it might ask at the police station, or at the shops, or retrace their route and check the ground. But they won't find it because you took it.

Show quote history

If I don't take it, someone else who didn't lose it will or it will blow away in the wind. Either way, it will be gone by the time the owner returns. Cash isn't like keys or a wallet or a hat where you can look at it and say with certainty "yes that's mine". You can ask the person claiming an item what it looks like to be sure that they are the owner, but you can't do that with miney because people don't record the serial numbers of the notes in their wallets. If you say to a group of strangers "has anyone lost a tenner?", you'll get more than one person say yes. The cleverer ones will even pretend to check their wallets first.

Deathbyfluffy · 12/05/2023 00:33

Spookysnake · 11/05/2023 19:12

Nope.

Show quote history

That says more about your own morals than anything to be honest.

Men and women cheat, but not every man or woman would even in the ‘right’ circumstances.

BadNomad · 12/05/2023 00:54

bd67thSaysReinstateLangCleg · 12/05/2023 00:30

If I don't take it, someone else who didn't lose it will or it will blow away in the wind. Either way, it will be gone by the time the owner returns. Cash isn't like keys or a wallet or a hat where you can look at it and say with certainty "yes that's mine". You can ask the person claiming an item what it looks like to be sure that they are the owner, but you can't do that with miney because people don't record the serial numbers of the notes in their wallets. If you say to a group of strangers "has anyone lost a tenner?", you'll get more than one person say yes. The cleverer ones will even pretend to check their wallets first.

Show quote history

All that just sounds like someone trying to justify keeping something that doesn't belong to them.

BadNomad · 12/05/2023 01:01

Everyone has different morals. Different red lines.

Some people think it's ok to shoplift to feed their children.
Some people would never shoplift but choose to get in to debt instead.

Some people will think it's ok to lie to their partner.
Some people will never lie, even if it means upsetting their partner.

Some people will cheat given the right opportunity.
Some people will never cheat, even if they could get away with it.

Everyone is different. No one can speak for all people. You can only speak for yourself.

lilmishap · 12/05/2023 01:18

There's a lot of women saying 'other peoples husbands/boyfriends cheat but not mine and I know that to be true' going on in this thread.
Which is ironic as most so many betrayed spouses say 'I never expected it, he never seemed the type, he never showed an interest in other women, he always seemed so decent, I was always so sure we were solid' when talking about how shocked they were at the discovery.

It's as if you're all the same women at different stages of your lives.

lilmishap · 12/05/2023 01:22

BadNomad · 12/05/2023 01:01

Everyone has different morals. Different red lines.

Some people think it's ok to shoplift to feed their children.
Some people would never shoplift but choose to get in to debt instead.

Some people will think it's ok to lie to their partner.
Some people will never lie, even if it means upsetting their partner.

Some people will cheat given the right opportunity.
Some people will never cheat, even if they could get away with it.

Everyone is different. No one can speak for all people. You can only speak for yourself.

She didn't say ALL partners cheat, she just said yours might.
That's true for every woman reading this.
No woman is 'left for another' before sex has taken place.
No woman knows what her partner is planning or doing away from her gaze.
Nobody is honest about what their red lines are as red lines shift according to attraction and feelings.
Nobody said ALL men will, but all men might.

BadNomad · 12/05/2023 01:27

lilmishap · 12/05/2023 01:22

She didn't say ALL partners cheat, she just said yours might.
That's true for every woman reading this.
No woman is 'left for another' before sex has taken place.
No woman knows what her partner is planning or doing away from her gaze.
Nobody is honest about what their red lines are as red lines shift according to attraction and feelings.
Nobody said ALL men will, but all men might.

Show quote history

She also said

"Don’t kid yourself. If it’s on offer they will take it."

and

"100% of the time if right/circumstances in life etc and they think they can get away with it, even if it’s a quick one time thing."

Both of which I, and many others, disagree with.

lilmishap · 12/05/2023 01:48

Nobody here is defending the men they're not with so nobody cares about the fact that 100% includes ALL men, they care that she's included the men they think will not cheat on them.
Many cheaters say that they never thought they would cheat and they mean it. They believed it.

Believing your partner is exempt is denial and that's not healthy.

BadNomad · 12/05/2023 02:04

But it's a stupid point to make. It doesn't mean anything.

All dogs are capable of biting. Yet we don't muzzle all dogs even though they all have the potential to bite. It depends on the dog, and on how well you know it, to determine how much you trust it. And sometimes good dogs do bite without warning. That doesn't mean the owner was naive or stupid to trust it.

swayingpalmtree · 12/05/2023 05:25

Humanbiology · 11/05/2023 23:54

You could live the life as a player live for the sex with no attachment.

Show quote history

This is a bit silly. If you want a life with FWB then go for it, but many of us dont want that. We WANT an emotional connection/relationship with the person we are having sex with. I have no judgement whatsoever about those who have casual sex but its not a lifestyle I personally want so why should I settle for something I dont want just because people online are saying "everyone cheats"?

Silly.