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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

If you think your partner doesn’t have time for an affair, think again

883 replies

toooldforthisshite · 11/05/2023 18:44

They will find a way. Even the most seemingly gentle, respectable guy, you know, the one who everyone says ‘he would never’. They do.
They will invite their side bit to their work during work hours if necessary to avoid having to make excuses as to why they are late home. They will wait for you to fall asleep then start chatting to her. They will delete every message they receive or send.

OP posts:
ThatshallotBaby · 11/05/2023 20:56

I couldn’t be with dh if I didn’t trust him. Seriously, what would be the point? Like a lot of people I’ve been let down, but I have to trust him. I would never cheat. Mainly because if dh and I did ever spilt up, a man is the last thing I’d want. I’d have an animal sanctuary Grin

ThatshallotBaby · 11/05/2023 20:57

And ALL the dogs would sleep on my bed.

Thighlengthboots · 11/05/2023 20:57

I wouldn’t wish being cheated on on anybody, but trusting a partner 100% forever is naive. Cheating is far, far more common than most people believe. For every one affair you know of, there’ll be ten more that you don’t

I don’t think anyone suggested people should be Pollyanna about it. But equally, it’s not very pleasant to be telling people they are stupid for trusting their partners. If you don’t trust someone then you shouldn’t be with them. There is a huge middle ground between “I can predict the future and he’ll NEVER cheat “ and “ALL men are cheating bastards who can’t be trusted”.

Maireas · 11/05/2023 20:57

Spookysnake · 11/05/2023 18:57

All men, and all women, will cheat given the right combination of circumstances.

No they won't.

KingSatsuma · 11/05/2023 20:59

I'm pretty sure I wouldn't cheat. I've thought long and hard about my 25-year marriage and I know that I just couldn't be arsed with another man.

People who have affairs are really weak and selfish. I'm neither of these.

Hardbackwriter · 11/05/2023 21:02

I still don't expect what the posters urging that everyone must accept that their partner could cheat is expecting people to do as a result of this? If you preemptively assume the worst you haven't taken away any of the sting if it does happen, you've just given away your own ability to enjoy the best.

Hardbackwriter · 11/05/2023 21:02

*still don't understand

Superdupes · 11/05/2023 21:02

I would never cheat, had the opportunity but had no interest. Unfortunately I married someone that I trusted completely and 25 years later found out that he'd been trying to sleep with other people the whole time, don't know if he actually ever did as of course nothing he says can be trusted.

LiliLil · 11/05/2023 21:03

Thighlengthboots · 11/05/2023 20:57

I wouldn’t wish being cheated on on anybody, but trusting a partner 100% forever is naive. Cheating is far, far more common than most people believe. For every one affair you know of, there’ll be ten more that you don’t

I don’t think anyone suggested people should be Pollyanna about it. But equally, it’s not very pleasant to be telling people they are stupid for trusting their partners. If you don’t trust someone then you shouldn’t be with them. There is a huge middle ground between “I can predict the future and he’ll NEVER cheat “ and “ALL men are cheating bastards who can’t be trusted”.

I completely agree.

I choose to trust my partner, maybe one day he’ll break that trust, maybe he won’t. I won’t spend my life worrying about it, I am just aware that it’s a possibility and if it happened or we split up for another reason I’d be fine.

drpet49 · 11/05/2023 21:04

toooldforthisshite · 11/05/2023 18:51

Don’t kid yourself. If it’s on offer they will take it.

No, I don’t agree with that at all.

BigFatLiar · 11/05/2023 21:04

All men cheat, so unless there's some woman out there getting more than her share it must imply that all women are cheaters.

Personally I don't believe this. We have talked about this before and OH simply said why would he what would she have that I didn't, what would be the point.

MysteriesOfTheOrganism · 11/05/2023 21:04

Liveandsmile · 11/05/2023 19:28

This thread is depressing.

Isn't it just? Some people clearly want everyone to be as miserable and cynical as they are.

WandaWonder · 11/05/2023 21:05

It could be said everyone is capable of murder, doesn't mean everyone will

coxesorangepippin · 11/05/2023 21:06

They absolutely will and do

Never trust anyone

ThatshallotBaby · 11/05/2023 21:07

But how can you live without trust?

coxesorangepippin · 11/05/2023 21:07

We have talked about this before and OH simply said why would he what would she have that I didn't, what would be the point

^

😂

Were you born yesterday or what

NosieRosie · 11/05/2023 21:09

My friend of over 30 years was very scathing about men/women who had affairs. She was very smug that so and so didn’t know what her DH was up to until he was caught red handed.
Her DH was hard working (spent all his time in work, for her to stay home with the children). He was very quiet and pretty much kept himself to himself. Sure, he took the DC to swimming lessons and after school clubs, pottered around the home/garden on weekends. They enjoyed holidays abroad, as a family, twice a year. He was very much the “family man”.

Everyone was shocked when he left DF and his children for another woman and her DC. It turned out he had been having an affair for 8 years! Nobody would have ever guessed.

ThatshallotBaby · 11/05/2023 21:09

If somebody cheats, it’s not a reflection of their partner, it’s who they are. It’s on them. If dh cheated, that’s not my responsibility, it’s his.

ThatshallotBaby · 11/05/2023 21:11

I’m very far from smug.

ItsBritneyBitchhhh · 11/05/2023 21:12

coxesorangepippin · 11/05/2023 21:07

We have talked about this before and OH simply said why would he what would she have that I didn't, what would be the point

^

😂

Were you born yesterday or what

Right😂 my friends partner said the same thing to her when she found out that he cheated after 10 years and 2 kids together.

I do think comments like that is exactly what the OP means tbh. Anyone can cheat. Just because your partner tells you that they won’t cheat, don’t take that to be face value. One day they may cheat or they may not

readbooksdrinktea · 11/05/2023 21:12

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 11/05/2023 20:46

The OP Is correct. I've known so many smug marrieds who think it can't happen to them, only to see them standing around dumbfounded when it does.

Take nothing for granted.

This.

I do think monogamy isn't all it's cracked up to be. That's why I'm single with FWBs.

GarlicGrace · 11/05/2023 21:16

People who have affairs are really weak and selfish.

Not necessarily. A lot of affairs are playful, in that both parties know it will be over if it stops being fun or causes a problem for either of them. And not all infidelities are affairs: among the very large number of extra-marital shenanigans I've known about, very few were full-on relationships.

Many wives know, or have the sense to guess, their husbands aren't faithful. They feel they can live with that as long as the other business doesn't intrude on their marriage. Of course there's a risk one of the fun sidelines will turn into something more serious. I've seen men be extremely responsible in that regard, protecting their marriage at all costs (except monogamy!)

I've also seen some gobsmacking, long-term affairs that were basically parallel marriages. And plenty of women cheating, but still nowhere near as many; I don't know if this means women are more faithful or better liars.

I think OP's more right than wrong. Everyone has their own way of dealing with this fact of human nature. There probably isn't a "right" way, male or female, married or not.

Gardenerboo · 11/05/2023 21:16

I’m ever hopeful that there are happy couples out there.

Cheating is very common. So is hearing the phrase ‘I never thought he’d do this.’ You trust until you don’t.

MartiniFlan · 11/05/2023 21:16

I think anyone can cheat. I think there are people who are less likely to cheat, and I think people can think they would never want to cheat. I think there are people who might want to cheat but are able to prevent that happening. There's no point going into an agreed monogamous relationship thinking 'I bet my partner/me will cheat', but don't be naive. If people who think everyone has the propensity to cheat are bitter, then couldn't you also say that people who pull the 'oh my partner would never' cheat card are smug (and potentially naive, given the number of people who say that and then find out their partner has cheated)? It also implies that people who are cheated on by their partners were just stupid and picked badly, unlike the profound and wise Never Cheated Upon.

GarlicGrace · 11/05/2023 21:17

That's why I'm single with FWBs.

You know, this was my Plan A. I should've listened to my younger, wiser self!