If you think your partner doesn’t have time for an affair, think again

[toooldforthisshite]

They will find a way. Even the most seemingly gentle, respectable guy, you know, the one who everyone says ‘he would never’. They do.
They will invite their side bit to their work during work hours if necessary to avoid having to make excuses as to why they are late home. They will wait for you to fall asleep then start chatting to her. They will delete every message they receive or send.

They probably will given the opportunity but you probably will never know about it . Don't worry about it . Love is blind and ignorance is bliss .

My point, few people will always put your needs above theirs when the two misalign (your mother perhaps, if you're lucky) and its unrealistic to expect otherwise.
With that in mind, its better to avoid allowing yourself to make any one person your be all and end all, on a pedestal as the one person who would never hurt you and who would always do their duty by you over their own desires.
Cultivate and sustain strong (platonic) relationships elsewhere so your eggs aren't in one basket, and manage your expectations.

Words to live by.

BSB30 · Yesterday 09:19
@SapphireStar77 Why are you being so nasty about someone else's marriage? I don't get it”

It’s sad, isn’t it? That someone has clearly been treated so badly by men that they find it impossible to comprehend that some men believe in commitment and fidelity and love and respect their wives too much to deceive them.
35 years here and I know without a shadow of a doubt that my husband has never and will never do so. If he was unhappy with me, he would leave first because he has integrity. I would do the same.

@5128gap Yep- that's the basis I work on these days. I didn't always think that way but after being completely 'blown down with a feather' I'm more of a realist.

Are you referring to me and my marriage??? This is hilarious! 🤣 What a ridiculous assumption! You don’t agree with what I am saying so you decide to insult me as it takes the emphasis off your so called ‘perfect - we love each other so much neither of us would ever cheat’ relationship! Yeah right keep telling yourself that! You sound just like @mydogisthebest - funny that….
Actually I have NOT ‘clearly’ been treated so badly by men, I have a very happy marriage FYI - I am just not naive enough or blinkered enough to think that my DH would never cheat! We trust each other implicitly but sometimes affairs DO just happen for whatever reason and like I keep saying just because your partner says he is loyal doesn’t mean to say he is or has been in the past - nobody knows for sure unless they are caught out or they admit to it. You do NOT know without a shadow of a doubt at all - I’m sure everyone who has been cheated on has said the exact same thing about their partners too - get real because that is actually THE SAD thing - your naivety!!

Have you ever done the maths on that? Assuming roughly equal numbers of heterosexual men and women, who are the men cheating with? Or are you saying that men are serial cheats with the few women who will cheat? It just doesn't work.

There are good reasons for female infidelity that you can read about here https://slate.com/technology/2013/12/female-promiscuity-in-primates-when-do-women-have-multiple-partners.html Infidelity isn't somehow caused by testosterone. Human females are unusual in that they are continually sexually receptive instead of having 'seasons'.

If you're trying to work out who is being unfaithful, bear in mind that there's a lot of pressure on men to appear overtly sexual and a lot of pressure on women to appear coy. So they're unlikely to tell you the truth.

I don’t understand why some posters think that one must have been or is currently in a shit relationship when one points out that one cannot fully vouch for the fact that their other half will not cheat.
I am married to a lovely man, but I would never ever say that he would never cheat. I honestly think that this would be naive .

I agree! So naive and quite worrying IMO

My point, few people will always put your needs above theirs when the two misalign (your mother perhaps, if you're lucky) and its unrealistic to expect otherwise.
With that in mind, its better to avoid allowing yourself to make any one person your be all and end all, on a pedestal as the one person who would never hurt you and who would always do their duty by you over their own desires.
Cultivate and sustain strong (platonic) relationships elsewhere so your eggs aren't in one basket, and manage your expectations.

@5128gap I totally and utterly agree. It was the most powerful thing I have learnt post affair. This philosophy certainly helps me feel safe.

What's a 'male identified woman'?

When I first started working it was in an office of women and extra marital activities were pretty common. Sadly its been my experience working in a female environment that their behaviour is just as bad as mens.

The idea of no we don't cheat on the same level is just as nieve as my husband would never cheat.

I thought my wife would never cheat... until she upped and left me a month ago for a woman she'd known exactly one week, and now she's instigated divorce proceedings. Young kids on both sides. It's hideous.

Not everyone would cheat, but everyone is capable of being susceptible to advances, particularly if they are feeling unheard/undervalued in the primary relationship. Unfortunately the reality of daily life with young kids and jobs is never going to compete with the excitement of extra-marital sex in hotels etc., and I think for many people by the time they realise what they've thrown away, it's all just too late to fix.

Yes absolutely - I have worked in hospitals for many years and the amount of affairs going on is incredible - both men and women cheating on their partners, quite frequently their partners are at the same workplace and claim that their spouses would never cheat

I sometimes wonder if being more upfront about the possibility of infidelity with your partner would lead to less cheating, if that makes sense. Like if people felt more comfortable saying 'I understand there may be times for both of us when we may be attracted to other people/feel distant/have the opportunity', they would therefore feel more comfortable in putting certain boundaries in place, rather than just thinking 'well it will never happen to me/us' (and it may well never do!) - in the same way you might discuss with your partner what you'd do if one of you lost your job or got sick.

I've said that I think anyone can cheat, and I do think that - but at the same time I don't think cheating is in any way inevitable, no matter how common it is. People have all sorts of urges for negative things that they don't give into, whether because of personal morals or societal pressure - not drink driving, not speeding, not smacking someone who pissed them off at work - and I think sometimes cheating gets a 'free pass' almost, because it's seen as somehow more primal. But you can want to cheat and absolutely refuse to, and we (rightly) wouldn't accept 'oh but I couldn't help it, I just needed to get to the shops' if someone ran you down while speeding.

I've come across men and women cheating in equal numbers, simply among the people I've met over the years. But those are just the ones that got caught out, of course.

I said to my exh that if he wanted to be with someone else, would he please do it the nice way and finish things with me first. He just cheated instead. So I can't say that it helped me to talk openly about the possibility. Some people (not everyone, presumably) get their kicks out of the excitement of lying, so actively want to be secretive.

I feel so sorry for you op. You are clearly extremely hurt. Sending hugs.

SappgireStar77

”Are you referring to me and my marriage??? This is hilarious! 🤣 What a ridiculous assumption! You don’t agree with what I am saying so you decide to insult me as it takes the emphasis off your so called ‘perfect - we love each other so much neither of us would ever cheat’ relationship! Yeah right keep telling yourself that! You sound just like @mydogisthebest - funny that….
Actually I have NOT ‘clearly’ been treated so badly by men, I have a very happy marriage FYI - I am just not naive enough or blinkered enough to think that my DH would never cheat! We trust each other implicitly but sometimes affairs DO just happen for whatever reason and like I keep saying just because your partner says he is loyal doesn’t mean to say he is or has been in the past - nobody knows for sure unless they are caught out or they admit to it. You do NOT know without a shadow of a doubt at all - I’m sure everyone who has been cheated on has said the exact same thing about their partners too - get real because that is actually THE SAD thing - your naivety!!”

Very glad that I was wrong about your personal life.
You are clearly very angry indeed about something, though.

I do know without a shadow of a doubt. It was done to him, once, decades ago. He didn’t trust another woman for nearly 5 years afterwards and that was me. He would never inflict the hurt he felt on someone else. Some people do have integrity and honour, even if you personally don’t know any.

Actually I am the least angry person in the world, but you don’t know me so can’t make assumptions about my personal character.
I know plenty of people with integrity and honour (myself included) doesn’t mean to say that people don’t cheat though

SapphireStar77

”Actually I am the least angry person in the world, but you don’t know me so can’t make assumptions about my personal character.”

Indeed. Neither do you know anything about the personal character of my husband or of myself, I am certainly not naive, so please don’t make assumptions. Is it really so unbelievable that some men hold fidelity dear?

I’m not making assumptions about your personal character. All I am saying is that you can’t say for absolute certain that someone hasn’t ever cheated or will not cheat in the future - and I’m not saying this because I am angry or sad or whatever other insults you and @mydogisthebest throw my way but because it is just impossible to say 100%!!

To confuse the issue still further, people have different ideas of what infidelity is. Some people don't think anything other than full penetrative sex counts.

Yes it is unbelievable actually because none of us go through life without being tested and your marriage is identical to so many other users on here, especially the unaware ones trusting another being fully. Till they find out that’s not the wisest option, though lovely in its naivety. Nor is it a marriage superior to any other where people have failed morally, and their spouses have had to search and scratch about for any sign and glimmer of forgiveness they never knew they had in them and somehow they moved on and grew together. So yes, you may tell yourself your spouse is perfect and not a cheater, but your marriage does not sound a tested one and hence I can see how some other posters may perceive it as a naive belief to which you are fully entitled to.

My post refers to what @MrsSkylerWhite posted

I know my partner would have an affair with another woman. The thing is, they wouldn't have an affair with him.

In all seriousness, I hope you are ok OP. Sorry that this has happened to you.

I agree with this. I have an acquaintance who is seeing a married man. She goes to his work events, to his house when his wife isn't there. She even has the gall to go to restaurants when the married man is out having dinner, and they have a quickie in the bathroom. She's even made chit chat with the wife in a bathroom because he/her find it exciting. This has been going on for years. She's married too but i don't think her husband knows or wants to ignore the signs.

I'd add I do know couples where the man wouldn't dream of an affair, not because he doesn't have time, but just because he values his wife and family