If you think your partner doesn’t have time for an affair, think again

[toooldforthisshite]

They will find a way. Even the most seemingly gentle, respectable guy, you know, the one who everyone says ‘he would never’. They do.
They will invite their side bit to their work during work hours if necessary to avoid having to make excuses as to why they are late home. They will wait for you to fall asleep then start chatting to her. They will delete every message they receive or send.

None of us know what the future holds. I did ask OH if he'd look to find a new partner if i died and he said only if it had a furry coat and a waggy tail. We've had cats (I'm a cat person) he'd rather have a dog but I'm not keen so it looks like if I go first I'll be replaced by a dog. I dont think another woman will get a look in.

@IWantToBeACat

I think posters are trying to get to the point that no matter how confident, how welll prepared or logical you are about your marriage and love is that you could still be blindsided and devastated when it happens.

So many women state, it would be his loss, I wouldn't stay arround for that crap, I'd rather be on my own and he knows how I,ve been in the past (in my youth) rejecting men who were not right.

As we all age our choices reduce, our ties are bound by money and children, our roles fixed in our relationships, we think we know whose wearing the trousers in our own particular relationship, we play our roles.

That can change in the blink of an eye if your partner, disengages, detatches and discards and it's painful, do not minimise how destabalising this could be, even if you believe yourself to be strong, in fact those strong women are the ones most badly affected in my opinion.

I've not met one woman who cared fiercly for her husband not be affected by this.

I also think it's good you've posted it shows the view of the assured and I in no way hope you ever experience betrayal but understand no one with such assuredness in a relationship would be happy to be cheated on, your humour would certainly leave your relationship at this point.

And note your confidence is very common in the relationships that have been blown apart, you are not alone in thinking yours is a special bond, wonderful friends and the knowing the husbands inside and out and stuff.

Thats the kicker, the fact you know them so well, every single gesture, look, minute white lie, the routine, you believe you know their mind, you are a team, a double act, it is irreplacable, he would never feel as comfortable, relaxed and at ease with any other.
Your sex is special, intimate with the added respect that you made babies together, so relaxed, so safe, so trusting. The memories you have together, they cried when your children were born, the inlaws relationships, the friends built up over years, the children being brought up, educated and moving on, the trials and tribulations of all the financial decisions for your shared life and house moves and many many more things that ever meant anything to you.

Can in an instant be obliterated and it's out of your control.
As I said I hope this never happens to another living person but it will, but to think that this stuff happens to women who have substandard marriages who never really knew their husbands is absurd and a little disrespectful.

Now many of these men do end up regretting taking that love for granted but whatever the outcome it changes things irrevocably.

I will say that there are many men that will not cheat but it will not have any bearing on the depth of familiarity beteween the couple.

We thought we knew them, we thought they understood the ties that bonded us but they chose to disregard them anyway.

Ridiculous thread.

I think it's valuable, insightful, and interesting.

Certainly makes a more nuanced read than the usual cheating threads where all cheats are the devil incarnate and it's never forgivable under any circumstances (and usually more the women's fault than the men's). It also suggests there are some situations in which it can be looked past, and some in which the relationship is never recoverable. Depending on circumstances there are worse things than infidelity, or it could turn out to be the very worst thing imaginable. The line that can never be crossed is different in everyone's relationship.

I've been in the awful situation of having a wife (an acquaintance, not a friend) wax lyrical to me about what a wonderful husband hers was, and how he'd never cheat on her and never leave her. She was so sure. My partner of the time had told me only that evening he was carrying on with another woman behind her back.

I really didn't thank him - or EXDP either, for that matter - for putting me in that uncomfortable situation.

You absolutely speak sense and I know where you are coming from. I also understand the insistence and cynicism of other posters with regards to my posts. I don't blame them, I don't doubt their sincerity and sincere belief I must be naïve or stupid. And understandably, no one can possibly understand my absolute confidence because you don't know me or our unique circumstances. It's hard to express in a post without being boringly long or telling very personal stories. I'm sure I sound belligerent and far too cocky. And I am sure there is at least one poster who would absolutely love me for my husband to cheat on me to prove their point...

However... the sex is unremarkable, he never cried when our daughter was born (neither did I), his in laws love him, mine detest me... 😉Due to our nomadic existence, friends are scattered and rarely seen. I know he has had previous relationships who he was probably as equally comfortable, relaxed and at ease with. Probably more so than with me (I'm friends with one of them and she's utterly lovely, far nicer than me, that's for sure!), I'm not an easy person to live with. But we DO have a unique bond that puts us on the same page. I do not know his every look or gesture, but I DO know if he's fibbing to me. Not because we are so in tune, it's just that he has a "tell"... 😂I'm not a psychic witch, despite him being sure I am!

but to think that this stuff happens to women who have substandard marriages who never really knew their husbands is absurd and a little disrespectful.
I have never said that and never would. I have always been simply expressing MY experience of MY marriage. Please tell me where I insinuated that others have substandard marriages and I will absolutely clarify what I meant.

We thought we knew them, we thought they understood the ties that bonded us but they chose to disregard them anyway.
This is clearly your experience and I am genuinely sorry to hear it, because your pain is clear. But it is YOUR experience, not mine.

but understand no one with such assuredness in a relationship would be happy to be cheated on, your humour would certainly leave your relationship at this point.
And again, I understand your point, and without knowing me, I understand why you would think this. But YOU need to understand, that my humour IS the very essence of me, and of course, I wouldn't be HAPPY to be cheated on, that would be bizarre, but oh my, with the life I've had, my husband finding happiness outside the marriage, would NOT remove my humour. Of course it would remove it from the relationship, but since the relationship may well possibly be over (not saying it definitely would be), it would be irrelevant!

As for your very first point: no matter how confident, how welll prepared or logical you are about your marriage and love is that you could still be blindsided and devastated when it happens.
Nope. Mildly disappointed? Absolutely. Surprised? Not at all, (I think I mentioned I'm difficult to live with) but Blindsided and devastated? Absolutely not.

All this thread has taught me about relationships is, to keep my finances separate, have my own car and my own home , so that when a man decides to cheat , I can have a clean break

Same for him though he needs to be prepared for when you cheat on him. Its not a situation restricted to men there's no reason why he should trust you as you are just as likely to cheat

My husband had an affair for around 9 months.
There were no tell tales signs at all. Everything was normal between us. There was nothing to make me suspicious. No hiding his phone, no late night phone calls. Nothing at all. No second phones. Nothing in his car. Nothing on bank statements. Nothing on our phone bill - we have the same account.
I became suspicious when he came home one day with skincare products for himself. He lied about where he had purchased them from. They were a specific range and could only be bought from one particular place. So when he got that wrong, it made me suspicious that someone had bought them for him.

I've been in the awful situation of having a wife (an acquaintance, not a friend) wax lyrical to me about what a wonderful husband hers was, and how he'd never cheat on her and never leave her. She was so sure. My partner of the time had told me only that evening he was carrying on with another woman behind her back.

In all my years (49) I don't think I've ever had anyone wax lyrical to me about how their partner would never cheat or leave, not once, and I know/have known many, many people. The fact that this person's partner was cheating suggests to me that she wasn't as sure as she said she was deep down, and felt the need to tell people how faithful he was as some kind of reaction to that, as a way of immunising herself from her (justified) doubts!

If I am being brutally honest, this thread has made me feel really down regarding marriage and relationships. Many people have planted the seed by saying that all men cheat and therefore it's a high probability that our partners will eventually cheat. That has made me feel worried and concerned as to what will happen in the future. I know there's no point worrying, and to be honest, before this thread I can't say I did but what people have been saying is just depressing.

While it may be true, you can't live in fear of this stuff or you'll never enjoy your life

no , men cheat more than women do

@Vecape Who says men cheat more than women?

The thing is we don't know, we can talk of our situations and how awful they were and how we were decieved by someone we thought we could trust but it maybe just our bad luck, that we were maybe living with a narcissist or someone with a personality disorder or just a selfish git.

If your husbands are kind and considerate to you and you are happy then that's all you can hope for, there are no guarentees as they say except death and taxes.

Come off the thread if it plants horrible thoughts.

We do tend to be realists and a hardened bunch but I still stand by the fact that many will not cheat, I've known many couples like this.

their own testosteronesays it , men themselves will tell you to your face that men cheat
its only male identified women who say "women cheat on the same level as men"
no we dont

@letthatmango well done on the beautifully articulated I am a few years out now, but in the first couple of years I would have been extremely triggered by the comments that were written here, I was struggling with PTSD. I would likely have had a panic attack and been very very distressed. As we know betrayed reconciled women are human, they don’t deserve further attacking when they’ve already been through so much. I raise my voice above the parapet because the process of reconciliation is perilous and if not done with determination on both sides can leave a betrayed at further risk of harm, nothing is set in stone but safeguards and knowledge of things around remorse and transparency does help. Posts like the ones here put them off seeking the support and the guidance they need to be safe, and that’s not fair.

Well done in reconciliation. Cheating in a marriage does not define a person as a cheater forevermore. Well done in having the emotional maturity to work through this. I married the loveliest guy ever and it also happened. But instead of self punishment and poverty I chose forgiveness, love, family, much like you. We have the best family unit now. MN has a serious problem in not recognising the vile comments of the sanctimonious divorcees hurting people still in the PTSD cycle. They come on here to heal when they are at their lowest.

I would recommend reconciliation to all, because it works. All marriages will have hurdles. It’s how you deal with them that matters and shapes you as a human being. My decision has made our entire extended family superemely happy. No one wanted to see us throw our life away over something so insignificant. Very proud of you @letthatmango and super proud and owning my choices on this. If he cheats again? Big deal, I say, I’d still outsmart him by having extra pension. If fact he’s welcome to be my guest. The humiliation accompanying that would be too much for him to bear. So for now, we are together, in love, united in our wish to bring our kids up together and we parent beautifully, appreciating each day.

Oh, and there is no way some disease ridden narc guy on OLD would be a patch on my DH. But if you believe that’s the way to go, all credit to you. Maybe this is your way out of an unhappy marriage. However, if your marriage was a strong, beautiful one, with kids at the heart, you owe it to yourself not to carry out a stupid mission in which you implode everything held dear.

That’s all very well if the affair was a one off and it was out of character for your significant other to cheat and they are remorseful and regretful and have apologised and actually meant his apology and was willing to work

However there are serial cheaters who know what they’re doing is wrong and have absolutely no remorse or guilt for what they’re doing and when caught will blatantly deny it or gaslight their significant other into believing it’s their fault the affair happened. They will go as far as to cry crocodile tears and seem apologetic…. But once they have been forgiven and the dust has settled, they go out and do it again! These type of people are often players who get into a relationship out of convenience rather than for love but usually have narcissistic or similar traits and literally do not care who gets hurt. They will go as far as to tell the OW they are single and lead a double life. Once the OW finds out they aren’t single they will gaslight the OW into believing their wife is crazy, doesn’t love him, doesn’t give him any affection and claim he will leave her!

I have done a lot of research into the difference between ‘one off’ affairs and serial cheaters. A serial cheater acts on impulse and gets a high from cheating and because they get such a high from doing so, they carry on doing it. It’s the risk and excitement that spurs them on. In these cases I certainly would not recommend reconciliation. Someone like that will only learn once they are old and lonely and finally realise what they have done. I have literally just witnessed a friend of mine go through all this, she keeps taking her husband back and he keeps cheating over and over because he knows he can! This is not just a marriage hurdle. My friend thought she was in a happy, loving and stable relationship. Now she’s become obsessed with wondering where her DH is and who he’s with!

Sorry the end of that first paragraph should say “was actually a liking to work on the relationship”

I would recommend reconciliation to all, because it works

I wouldn't, sure for some it works but fur many it doesn't. Each to their own.

There are very much different levels of betrayal. Some, I'd possibly be able to look past. Others are a certain deal-breaker.

The line that can't be crossed will be drawn in different places from individual to individual. Not everyone who reconciles is a doormat. On the other hand there are some things no one should put up with, and they'd be a fool if they did. It's a lot more nuanced than the discussions of this issue we usually see on Mumsnet and that, for one thing, is refreshing.

Depending on circumstances there are worse things than infidelity, or it could turn out to be the very worst thing imaginable. The line that can never be crossed is different in everyone's relationship.

Yes, my parents got through my mum cheating on my dad. I think they both understood it was quite a specific set of circumstances. And they got through him wanting to cheat on her, I think for the same reason. They got back to seeing quite happy together. The thing that has really screwed the marriage over is his alcoholism. They're still married, but my mum is deeply, deeply unhappy within the marriage and should leave, but feels duty bound to stay and is trapped in co-dependence. The infidelity didn't do that to her - the addiction did.

I can't be sure the infidelity and alcoholism are completely separate issues, but that's a much thornier issue.

Very few, if any have said all men WILL cheat. I'm fairly certain my H didn't.
He did however betray me in another way not related to anything sexual, that I didn't see coming and involved similar lies and behaviour to cheating. Not all men will do that either.
What this taught me was that ultimately human beings are highly predisposed to persue their own happiness. We have one life, and most of us have a strong drive to make that as good for ourselves as we can, and experience as much of it as possible. A drive that can become stronger as the years pass and we realise there are fewer opportunities behind than ahead.
If yours and your partners happiness lies within a loving faithful marriage where you behave within the norms of that relationship forever, then that's great. However, when people see that outside the marriage for whatever reason, there's a conflict.
My point, few people will always put your needs above theirs when the two misalign (your mother perhaps, if you're lucky) and its unrealistic to expect otherwise.
With that in mind, its better to avoid allowing yourself to make any one person your be all and end all, on a pedestal as the one person who would never hurt you and who would always do their duty by you over their own desires.
Cultivate and sustain strong (platonic) relationships elsewhere so your eggs aren't in one basket, and manage your expectations.

Charming

This is golddust. So well put.