If you think your partner doesn’t have time for an affair, think again

[toooldforthisshite]

They will find a way. Even the most seemingly gentle, respectable guy, you know, the one who everyone says ‘he would never’. They do.
They will invite their side bit to their work during work hours if necessary to avoid having to make excuses as to why they are late home. They will wait for you to fall asleep then start chatting to her. They will delete every message they receive or send.

I said upthread that of course I couldn't be 100% certain the my husband hasn't cheated but like Sapphire I am pretty darned confident that I know my husband hasn't cheated on me. Not because of the discussions and agreements we have come to in the past, but because he can't lie. I know you are almost certainly laughing at my naivety, but he really can't! It's a shame really, poor fella. 😂 If he does anything even remotely shifty, even something so small and insignificant as giving our daughter a snack before a mealtime when she was little, he has a "tell" and if he tries to lie, he has another "tell". He doesn't know I know how he is lying and is always astonished when I call him out on things. I think he thinks I'm a mind-reading witch (he's probably right)! 😂

Something as big as an affair? Not.A.Chance!

Oh, and I've always said to him: "I understand one day you might fall out of love with me, and that's okay, just be up front about it and we can talk about a way forward. But always remember, if I find out before you tell me, which is always possible, you have to go to sleep at some point..." And left it hanging...

From stories he knows about my past. He knows I'm not saying that lightly. He is many things but he is NOT a stupid man! 😉

Lot of naivety in this thread

On a totally off-tangent point, why is it not okay to call certain types of women a Karen, but fair game to call certain types of men Nigel...? And noooo, my husband is NOT called Nigel, although I do know a lovely one who wouldn't cheat on his wife. I also know a couple of lovely Karens who are nothing like the stereotype.

Seems a bit double-standard-y to me!

I also know a quite debonair and very wealthy (single) Nigel. But it wasn't meant in a derogatory way (unlike Karen which I loathe for minimising the opinions of middle aged women).

More that Nigel is a devoted husband type.

I do know absolutely for sure I haven't been cheated on. We have the sort of relationship and bond where we can know the other has never cheated. Not many couples are that lucky sadly.

To be fair I suspect a lot of people think this, many are taken aback and question how they didn't know after they find out. Again I'm sure he hasn't ever cheated, but this kind of saccharine nonsense is what the OP was talking about I think.

@Floralie yes completely this.

so would you have an affair? If not why are you stereotyping so much.

sorry you went through what you went through and for sure some men and some women have affairs

But obviously not all

Stop being so bitter I’ve read the first page of your responses and think yes! Some men do it but so do women and I’m not one of them. But you can’t paint the whole world of men with the same brush just because it’s happened to you.

see, this is kind of things Im talking about ..
your husband has a habit of lying over the most non issues, whenever he feels like you will get upset with him
you think its so cute that hes always lying to you vomit
These are the red flags women ignore, and then they are so shocked when their husbands are having affairs..
if he is a habitual liar it means he is dishonest and sneaky , take heed

This is simply an observation on basic human nature. I'm not sure there is any such thing as 's/he is not the "type"' to cheat, kill, steal, deceive, commit suicide, or go to various extremes of human behaviour. Just as we don't necessarily know how we ourselves would behave given the right (or wrong) set of variables, it's not possible truly to know another human being. Anything is possible for anyone.

Given the required level of desperation, we are probably all capable of killing someone. Or ourselves. It's fortunate that in most people's lives the wrong variables simply won't come together.

As to affairs, no one wants to go through life looking for these, or suspecting our partners, but the same thing could apply. At some of the lowest ebbs of our lives it shouldn't be underestimated how very powerful the prospect of receiving comfort, or perhaps giving it, can be. If it can happen to other unsuspecting partners it can happen to me, I'm not so naive as to assume otherwise.

But just because the possibility is there, or because, given certain circumstances, humans behave in all sorts of unpredictable ways, doesn't mean it necessarily will. Or even that it's likely, given some of the more extreme examples. To concede this much doesn't mean living our lives in denial.

Oh dear, what a self-righteous froth of misinterpretation! If you had actually read what I put instead of immediately looking for your "gotcha, you're such a naive idiot" moment, I also said he has a "tell" when he's done something shifty. He didn't lie over giving our daughter a snack, I just knew he'd done something! And the kind of lies he tells are silly little fibs, the kind everyone tells on occasion, but he's just rubbish at telling them. These have been rare and early on in our relationship... our daughter is 15, we've been together over two decades! That particular example was when she was about 3! It was one of the few I can remember. He doesn't have a "habit" of lying to me and where did I say it's "so cute he's ALWAYS lying to me?". Talk about exaggerating and extrapolating things from a post. No need for you to vomit over something you have totally taken out of context. There are no red flags here to ignore, thank you!

I have no need to take heed, as he is not an habitual liar, but thanks soooo much for your concern oh wise one!

Can you just not accept, that no matter how awful your situation may have been, (and I am truly sorry that you have been so clearly and deeply hurt by a betrayal), that others, several who have tried in vain to put their heads above the parapet, have a different reality?

white lies are still lying, im just using you as an example of women who ignore red flags in the relationships..
im sorry i touched a button , im just saying i wouldnt trust someone who was always fibbing and i have to watch for their tells like a 24/7 game of poker

Oh for goodness sake, will you stop superimposing your life on mine? You haven't touched a button, it's just really funny reading your scrabblings to make my life like yours when it's not. He's NOT always fibbing, just on the odd occasion he does (have you never told a fib? If you say you haven't, then you're a bigger liar than you are making my poor husband out to be!), then I immediately know because he can't lie to save his life. So he's learnt not to bother because I always know. I don't have to "watch for his tell like a 24/7 game of poker", stop being absurd. I don't have to watch for it because it would be immediately obvious like a flag with "I'm fibbing" was waving above his head (and noooo, not a red one, more like neon yellow with flashing lights!😂 ).

ok if you say so , i was only repeating what you said and you said
He doesn't know I know how he is lying and is always astonished when I call him out on things
so it sounds like he does it a fair bit , don't try and backtrack on what you said
and no i really don't tell fibs or lies, id rather not say anything than tell lies
lying is manipulative

and then you said
I've always said to him: "I understand one day you might fall out of love with me, and that's okay, just be up front about it and we can talk about a way forward. But always remember, if I find out before you tell me, which is always possible, you have to go to sleep at some point..."
why would you need to say this to a grown man? a man that "doesn't lie"
it just reeks of insecurity, its like something you would say to your teenage son ..

but anyway , I digress I'm not going to be pushing any more buttons today

But always remember, if I find out before you tell me, which is always possible, you have to go to sleep at some point..."

Sounds like a threat to me.

No wonder he lies, he's terrified 😂

*I've always said to him: "I understand one day you might fall
out of love with me, and that's okay, just be up front about it and we
can talk about a way forward. *

You know you can't control the way you get hurt, don't you.

Its entirely pointless extracting promises to tell you if they fall out of love with you before starting an affair, as this is simply not how it works.
People don't suddenly wake up and think, Oh, goodness me! I don't love my partner anymore. What shall I do? Tell them and leave, or look for someone to have an affair with? Best tell them like we agreed!
People who persue an affair with a specific 'special' person they would actually leave you for, as oppose to one off opportunist cheating, gradually fall into it by developing progressively stronger feelings for someone else. Even if they do confess, it will be long after they've done plenty of things that count as a betrayal, and tokd you plenty of lies, even if they've stopped short of sex.
When people fall out of love, provided the relationship isn't intolerable, most will just plod on with it. Very few are going to risk losing their home, security, messing up their children, to live alone in a flat on the off chance their crush on Emma from marketing that they've yet to act on, might turn into something.

That's just your interpretation though... I wrote my first post not realising that my wording was going to be microscopically examined, dissected and then regurgitated in a way to try and trick me. Sorry, again, not the "Gotcha!" moment you think it is, just sloppy story telling from an old happily married witch for which I apologise, I'm also watching TV... 😉

I told the second bit because it's a bit of a joke between us. If I'd have known you were coming along to try and turn everything I said against me, I'd have been clearer. But I didn't expect to have to explain myself quite so much if I'm honest. But hey ho, here we go... I apologise to other readers who just took my post as it was intended, light hearted "here's the other side of the coin from someone who is secure in their marriage and here's why" kind of post. I first told him that when we were first dating and have just randomly repeated it if we have been watching a film that has an affair or something in it. It's an in joke that just gently reminds him that if his head were to be turned, that I quite understand, (I'm a curmudgeonly old battle axe so could absolutely understand him looking elsewhere), but that he needs to tell me first so we can work it out.

I was also, embarrassing to admit, not always the gentle, even-tempered, middle aged fuddy duddy that I am now. I was a hard nosed bitch who gave as much as I was ever given and then some. This might be quite outing to friends on here but when I was much younger I made the mistake of dating a misogynistic git. At the time I was a skinny minnie and he was an overgrown gym hulk. One night, in bed, I said something he didn't like. He leapt on top of me, straddled me and tried to strangle me. After a moment to work out what was happening I kneed him in the groin. He kind of made a strangled noise himself and fell off. I got up, got dressed and walked out. There are other stories that my husband knows about that I'm definitely not sharing on here. But he knows that I took no crap then and he knows that somewhere, deep inside, I still have that in me. He has no idea what that would entail but he knows it wouldn't work out well for him. But he also knows that I understand he is human and that actually, I'd be okay if he put his hands up and said he'd met someone else. He knows I wouldn't want him to stay out of some duty, that's not my style, so he wouldn't be worried about talking to me.

As for your " no i really don't tell fibs or lies, id rather not say anything than tell lies lying is manipulative". All I'll say is, Uh huh, if you say so!

It is ABSOLUTELY a threat. 😂And he knows it. I've always been 100% up front with my rule of "play fair with me and I'll play fair with you. And the thing is, I KNOW if you aren't playing by the rules we agreed before we got married, so it's on you if things go pear shaped for you.". He didn't need to marry me if he didn't like those conditions. He proposed, not me. 😉

If he strays, no matter how I find out, I won't be hurt, life happens, that's on him if he loses me. I might be annoyed or even cross, but hurt? Nope, because I can decide what "hurts" me. And him having an affair isn't a reflection on ME, it's a reflection on HIM and his values which I have no control over, why on earth would it hurt me?! I respect myself and know my value.

I totally understand your post and agree with much of it. It's hard to explain really because each marriage and it's internal workings are different. Ours is based in honesty and talking about certain things. I'm sure many others would say the same though, so it's hard to say exactly what is different, because maybe it is and maybe it isn't. My husband can actually be quite closed off about feelings but we have talked in the past when we have felt we were growing apart or seeing things differently. We both have had very odd, unpleasant upbringings so have perhaps an unusual bond of understanding. Maybe people just can't understand that there are some things that CAN be known in a marriage that others just cannot, understandably, realise is an absolute. And that's okay, but it rankles that some cannot, will not, understand that people, marriages and situations are not a 100% given just because of THEIR experiences. There are exceptions and I'm kind of sorry that I ever bothered to try and show that.

ok ok we get it you're tough as old boots 🙄
and I know that infidelity is something that some couples jokes about (I don't) but it usually comes from a place of insecurity ..

I just think that maybe, deep inside of you, because of your traumatic experiences with other men, your guard is still UP
that is why you are always catching your husband out in his white lies and
that's why you always make passive aggressive jokes about him committing adultery
you might not fully trust him because you know what men are capable of
that's my opinion,

and i promise you I don't tell lies, if I don't want to tell the truth I just don't say anything, I prefer silence to lies

Women have been conditioned to accept mens cheating and abuse in their relationships because they are taught to believe that it is superior to being a single woman
they say that single women live longer than married women , and married men live longer than single men , do the math..

@IWantToBeACat I'm glad you posted. I'm genuinely interested in the reasons why people feel so sure. It's interesting to see every side of the debate.

and I know that infidelity is something that some couples jokes about (I don't) but it usually comes from a place of insecurity ..
I'm not insecure, sorry to burst your bubble. I'm quite the opposite, thanks! Hence my "take it or leave it" stance.

I just think that maybe, deep inside of you, because of your traumatic experiences with other men, your guard is still UP
It wasn't traumatic in the slightest. A man tried to get the upper hand and teach me a lesson. I taught him one instead.

that is why you are always catching your husband out in his white lies and
that's why you always make passive aggressive jokes about him committing adultery
For the umteenth time, I'm not "always catching him out! Because it's a rare occurence. I don't do "passive aggressive", I deal in facts. I'm straight up, do this and I'll do that.

you might not fully trust him because you know what men are capable of
that's my opinion,
Oh, believe me, I know what some men are capable of, I worked in two of the very worst industries for affairs. I totally trust him. I have no reason not to because I would know if he was doing something untrustworthy. I don't care what your opinion is because I know.

and i promise you I don't tell lies, if I don't want to tell the truth I just don't say anything, I prefer silence to lies
Your promises mean nothing to me. And it really doesn't matter because I'm not in a relationship with you, so if you believe what you say. Good for you. Every one fibs, you're doing it now...

Women have been conditioned to accept mens cheating and abuse in their relationships because they are taught to believe that it is superior to being a single woman
I have been conditioned to accept no such thing. Quite the opposite actually. And if you had actually read my post, you would know I would rather be single than abused. Did my previous post not explicitly exhibit that?! Rather than stay with a man that was trying to abuse me, I kneed him in the nuts and walked out. What's "conditioned to accept abuse" about that? Do tell.... Seriously... 😂

they say that single women live longer than married women , and married men live longer than single men , do the math..
And...? How is that relevant to what I've said? Oh, hang on... it's not!

I'm genuinely happy to answer any questions because I know affairs are rife and mostly no one can say 100% their partner won't cheat. And lots of people are caught out by being trusting. But sometimes, it's easier to "know" than others...

Mostly no one can be 100% sure but you can, right? 😉you do seem to be going to great lengths to try and convince yourself.

I'm 100% sure my husband hasn't cheated up to this point but I can't say he never will. Can't predict the future I guess but I would hope that he wouldn't.