Page 27 | If you think your partner doesn’t have time for an affair, think again

toooldforthisshite · 2023-05-11T17:44:13+00:00

They will find a way. Even the most seemingly gentle, respectable guy, you know, the one who everyone says ‘he would never’. They do. They will invite their side bit to their work during work hours if necessary to avoid having to make excuses as to why they are late home. They will wait for you to fall asleep then start chatting to her. They will delete every message they receive or send.

Crikeyalmighty · 14/05/2023 13:24

The fact is not all men do cheat or appear to have that in their nature either - same as not all women- but I genuinely think you really can't say with 100% certainty now or in the future that your partner never would- or we wouldn't get the kind of posts we see regularly on mumsnet. Not just affairs, but webcamming, hookers, inappropriate texting etc.

I have indeed been that person who would have said that it was totally implausible in the past- and whilst he didn't have a physical affair he certainly blotted his copybook at one point. You could have blown me down with a feather.

Floralie · 14/05/2023 13:29

BSB30 · 14/05/2023 13:23

@Floralie I'm with my husband most of the time. We love being together and when he does go out, I miss him 😂

Which is great for you, sounds bloody horrendous to me haha. I adore my husband but I personally believe a relationship should enhance your life rather than be more or less the entirety of your life. Having time apart, seeing friends, doing other things is much more appealing to me and also means if we do ever split I will get through it fine. I don't believe anyone is with someone every second to be able to say with certainty their partner hasn't chested as that poster alludes to though.

SapphireStar77 · 14/05/2023 13:41

mydogisthebest · 14/05/2023 12:42

There a lot of cynical and bitter posters on this thread and they are intent on being insistent about just about everyone cheating.

It's absolute rubbish that everyone cheats. Even people that have the opportunity do not always take it. There are plenty of people that have strong morals and love and respect their partner too much to cheat.

Posters keep repeating "affairs just happen" are talking nonsense. I can only assume this is an excuse they have used to one a partner has used to them. I have asked how "it just happens" that you end up having sex with someone without making the decision to do so but, of course, they have not replied.

If you know you would never cheat, as I do, then you can be happy with yourself. There is also every chance that your OH would also never cheat

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🤣🤣🤣
Ignorance and being blinkered can make some people happy with themselves also!

WisherWood · 14/05/2023 13:43

DarrellRiversCriminalBehaviourOrder · 14/05/2023 12:45

So leave it there, like you've claimed to be about to do four times now. And report it to the police, since I am now apparently a law breaker.

You really don't like the idea that you don't know everything about everyone in your community, do you? I wonder why. Doesn't your religion teach humility and honesty?

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If I could, I'd happily block the pair of you. Since I can't, I'll ask you to get a room.😉

Liveandsmile · 14/05/2023 13:50

No one can be 100% sure someone else won’t cheat. It’s crazy to think you can see inside someone else’s brain. You only know what you’re capable of.
All you witness with a partner is their behaviour around you and what they tell you. Not everything they are thinking or doing without you

SapphireStar77 · 14/05/2023 13:53

mydogisthebest · 14/05/2023 12:44

Because she is bitter and jealous and obviously has either cheated on someone or been cheated on. Quite possibly both

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I can assure you there is absolutely no jealousy towards you - I don’t even know you! And I am perfectly happy with my marriage, I have been completely faithful in my marriage even though there has been situations in the past when I was younger before we married when a couple of male friends made it clear that they liked me - I did not act on it for many reasons at the time. My DH adores me and our family but do you know what? Even though I trust that he is and has always been faithful I have absolutely no idea that he has been because nobody knows for sure what their OH gets up too - that’s a ridiculous notion!! Just saying “oh I have always been faithful to you” does not mean that they have been! 🙄

BSB30 · 14/05/2023 13:53

@WisherWood That made me laugh 😂. I've asked to have my comments removed as they aren't relevant to the thread.

SapphireStar77 · 14/05/2023 13:56

mydogisthebest · 14/05/2023 12:48

I can actually say for sure that my husband has never cheated thank you. I don't need to explain to you how and why I know that.

You don't agree that some people don't cheat. You don't agree that some people are happily married and can be for a long time. You don't agree that affairs do not just happen. I don't agree with any of those views.

I am still waiting for your explanation as to how affairs "just happen". Funnily enough in my almost 70 years my clothes have never ever flown off on their own and neither have I found myself having sex with someone without having made the decision to do so.

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Complete bollocks.
And yes you can answer for yourself 100% but certainly not for your DH

Vecape · 14/05/2023 13:58

5128gap · 14/05/2023 06:39

@fryanddry I'll say again, I think in your rather naive and binary understanding of 'love' you are failing to see it as an emotion.
Love is not simply a set of behaviours that people associate with it, it's a feeling.
A feeling that is generally triggered and sustained by what people offer us, rather than the reverse.
The poster you insist is not loved has done nothing to hurt her husband, and at the time he strayed was likely the same person he'd loved for years. Why then would you suppose that HIS bad behaviour would suddenly wipe out his love for her?
Certainly he acted in a manner out of step with our society's construct of what 'love' between intimate partners looks like, and indeed the PPs, which I agree is hurtful and wrong; but that's not the same thing as not feeling love towards her.
People with wide experience of human nature will usually understand that many many of us hurt and are hurt by those we love and who love us. Through weakness, illness, addiction, impulsiveness, lapses of judgement.
I don't believe these fallibilities indicate an absence of emotion in all these people.
You will disagree of course, as your definition of love differs, and you're entitled to apply any you choose to your own life. Less so to make unsolicited pronouncements on another person's feelings because their understanding is more nuanced.

That is YOUR opinion of what love is, to me and many other people, your actions can speak louder than any emotion, because actions are how you demonstrate love, love is NOT just a feeling

Human emotions are actually very unreliable, if anything in your brain is unbalanced hormonally or you have some mental illness, your "feelings of love" can disappear,
but you can still choose to love some one in your actions, which you have more control over.

I can give an example ,
A mother who is a drug addict has a strong attachment to her baby and she has high levels of oxytocin which make her want to hold and feed her child..

But she decides to call social services on herself,
so that they can help her look after her child until she gets off the drugs ,
her ACTIONS of love towards her child were far more superior than her FEELINGS,
her feelings that were urging her to keep her child with her, despite her inability to properly care for the child

If your husband started physically abusing you, is he allow to say
"i still feel love for you", because his emotions are telling him he is in love?
No because his actions are demonstrating otherwise..

Why then would you suppose that HIS bad behaviour would suddenly wipe out his love for her? Because cheating is not just bad behaviour, it is harmful behaviour, and when someone does something to harm you , emotionally/physically/mentally, it means they do not love you , or they are incapable of love

Love does not allow you to intentionally harm the person you claim to love
I'm getting bored of explaining why somebody's husband shagging random women means he doesn't love his wife, it seems pretty obvious

if the action of cheating on your spouse is a forgivable offence, why bother sneaking around and keeping it a secret ?
He might as well just bring his lady friend into the marital home and do her right in the master bed, whilst his wife and kids are home

SapphireStar77 · 14/05/2023 14:03

Liveandsmile · 14/05/2023 13:50

No one can be 100% sure someone else won’t cheat. It’s crazy to think you can see inside someone else’s brain. You only know what you’re capable of.
All you witness with a partner is their behaviour around you and what they tell you. Not everything they are thinking or doing without you

Absolutely!!! No way in the world that you can know every single solitary movement of your partner for 43 years! And yes people might say oh I will never cheat but that is just words - doesn’t mean to say they won’t or never have cheated!

DarrellRiversCriminalBehaviourOrder · 14/05/2023 14:15

WisherWood · 14/05/2023 13:43

If I could, I'd happily block the pair of you. Since I can't, I'll ask you to get a room.😉

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You're an hour late to the party, love.

Crikeyalmighty · 14/05/2023 14:30

Fresh from todays mumsnet 'relationships' for those who are 100% sure it could never happen to them

I’m 33, me and my husband have been together 9 years, got married a year and a half ago. We have been trying for our first baby for the last few months also. I 100% trusted him, we have a happy marriage and never ever would have thought he would do something like this to me. He is the kindest, loveliest man and I am now utterly heartbroken and in complete shock. We have 2 little dogs together, a lovely home, a nice life together and we were both looking forward to having a baby.
He started a new job last year and sometimes works away. He worked away for a week last month. Anyway yesterday he said he didn’t feel right and barely had an appetite. Then this morning, I woke up and he was sat up in bed next to me. Said he’s waiting for a phone call from a Dr (he has private insurance). He then confessed to me that when he was out one night when he went away with work, a woman in another group they had met kissed him on the lips when saying goodbye and he thinks she had a lump on her lip - I think he had been googling and he’s worried he’s got an STI. I was obviously confused and demanded he told me the truth as I did not believe she just kissed him - he said she was flirting with him and they all had a lot to drink. Anyway he eventually told me that this woman came back to his hotel room and she gave him a blow job. I am utterly heartbroken. We had our lives planned out and had such a happy relationship. This is totally out of character. He doesn’t know how he let it happen and it begging for me to forgive him and doesn’t want to lose his family, I just can’t believe he has done this to me. In a way I wish he didn’t tell me I feel I am living in a nightmare.
I love him so much and I just don’t know what to do :( I am in complete shock. I have a twin sister who I usually would run to but my family adore my husband and feel if I decide to try and see past this I wouldn’t want them to know.. 💔

SapphireStar77 · 14/05/2023 14:33

Crikeyalmighty · 14/05/2023 14:30

Fresh from todays mumsnet 'relationships' for those who are 100% sure it could never happen to them

I’m 33, me and my husband have been together 9 years, got married a year and a half ago. We have been trying for our first baby for the last few months also. I 100% trusted him, we have a happy marriage and never ever would have thought he would do something like this to me. He is the kindest, loveliest man and I am now utterly heartbroken and in complete shock. We have 2 little dogs together, a lovely home, a nice life together and we were both looking forward to having a baby.
He started a new job last year and sometimes works away. He worked away for a week last month. Anyway yesterday he said he didn’t feel right and barely had an appetite. Then this morning, I woke up and he was sat up in bed next to me. Said he’s waiting for a phone call from a Dr (he has private insurance). He then confessed to me that when he was out one night when he went away with work, a woman in another group they had met kissed him on the lips when saying goodbye and he thinks she had a lump on her lip - I think he had been googling and he’s worried he’s got an STI. I was obviously confused and demanded he told me the truth as I did not believe she just kissed him - he said she was flirting with him and they all had a lot to drink. Anyway he eventually told me that this woman came back to his hotel room and she gave him a blow job. I am utterly heartbroken. We had our lives planned out and had such a happy relationship. This is totally out of character. He doesn’t know how he let it happen and it begging for me to forgive him and doesn’t want to lose his family, I just can’t believe he has done this to me. In a way I wish he didn’t tell me I feel I am living in a nightmare.
I love him so much and I just don’t know what to do :( I am in complete shock. I have a twin sister who I usually would run to but my family adore my husband and feel if I decide to try and see past this I wouldn’t want them to know.. 💔

How awful, I’m so sorry this has happened. I hope you are ok xx

BadNomad · 14/05/2023 14:38

It didn't happen to her. She's using someone else's misery to make a point.

BadNomad · 14/05/2023 14:40

Which doesn't prove anything because of course the Relationship board is going to be full of threads like that. People don't seek out MN to post about their happy marriages.

BSB30 · 14/05/2023 14:41

BadNomad · 14/05/2023 14:40

Which doesn't prove anything because of course the Relationship board is going to be full of threads like that. People don't seek out MN to post about their happy marriages.

I was thinking the same thing. People aren't going to post asking for advice or support on their faithful marriage so it is going to be full of relationship problems.

mydogisthebest · 14/05/2023 15:21

SapphireStar77 · 14/05/2023 13:53

I can assure you there is absolutely no jealousy towards you - I don’t even know you! And I am perfectly happy with my marriage, I have been completely faithful in my marriage even though there has been situations in the past when I was younger before we married when a couple of male friends made it clear that they liked me - I did not act on it for many reasons at the time. My DH adores me and our family but do you know what? Even though I trust that he is and has always been faithful I have absolutely no idea that he has been because nobody knows for sure what their OH gets up too - that’s a ridiculous notion!! Just saying “oh I have always been faithful to you” does not mean that they have been! 🙄

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I do know absolutely for sure that DH has not cheated. I don't really care whether you or other posters believe me or not.

Some people can be absolutely sure, not many but some. I feel quite sorry for those who can't.

He doesn't go around saying "I have always been faithful to you" because he doesn't need to just as I don't go around saying it to him.#

Oh and I am still waiting for the proof that "affairs just happen".

5128gap · 14/05/2023 15:27

BSB30 · 14/05/2023 12:14

@WisherWood I've seen the phrase "not my Nigel" on the thread a lot now. What does it mean and where does the Nigel part come from? I've never heard of it before.

Nigel is the husband many women think they have. An all round decent guy. Faithful, family oriented, hard working, moderate in behaviour and considerate in manners.
He is the guy one guy on the stag do who foregos the strip club in favour of an early night. (He went once when he was young and found it boring and the drinks too expensive.)
Nigel never glances at other women and takes a very dim view of those that do. He is devoted to his wife and has eyes for no one else.
He has many female friends. All entirely platonic.
He is touchingly guileless when it comes to women, which makes him vulnerable around divorcees and the young administrators at his office, who regularly try to throw themselves at him. He doesn't even notice! so his wife does need to be vigilent in that regard.
Whenever poor male behaviour is mentioned, his wife becomes concerned that it refers to ALL men and poor Nigel may be tarred with the bad man brush. Hence the cry of 'Not my Nigel!'
The origin I don't know.

SapphireStar77 · 14/05/2023 15:29

mydogisthebest · 14/05/2023 15:21

I do know absolutely for sure that DH has not cheated. I don't really care whether you or other posters believe me or not.

Some people can be absolutely sure, not many but some. I feel quite sorry for those who can't.

He doesn't go around saying "I have always been faithful to you" because he doesn't need to just as I don't go around saying it to him.#

Oh and I am still waiting for the proof that "affairs just happen".

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Lol what sort of ‘proof’ do you want? 🤣
You do NOT know absolutely for sure that you haven’t been cheated on - it is impossible!!!!

BSB30 · 14/05/2023 15:37

@5128gap Thank you for explaining. My initial thought was it was somehow related to Nigel Farage 😂🤣. I don't know why haha

Crikeyalmighty · 14/05/2023 16:20

@5128gap Ha, ha- it's so bloody true too. I've been hit on a few times in my younger days by a few Nigel's too.

mydogisthebest · 14/05/2023 16:43

SapphireStar77 · 14/05/2023 15:29

Lol what sort of ‘proof’ do you want? 🤣
You do NOT know absolutely for sure that you haven’t been cheated on - it is impossible!!!!

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You insisted that affairs "just happen" and I have asked you how they just happen as I know they don't. You haven't replied. How do people end up having sex with someone with it "just happening"? Apart from being so drunk that they didn't know what they were doing how did the sex occur with no decision or thought?

I do know absolutely for sure I haven't been cheated on. We have the sort of relationship and bond where we can know the other has never cheated. Not many couples are that lucky sadly.

SapphireStar77 · 14/05/2023 16:46

mydogisthebest · 14/05/2023 16:43

You insisted that affairs "just happen" and I have asked you how they just happen as I know they don't. You haven't replied. How do people end up having sex with someone with it "just happening"? Apart from being so drunk that they didn't know what they were doing how did the sex occur with no decision or thought?

I do know absolutely for sure I haven't been cheated on. We have the sort of relationship and bond where we can know the other has never cheated. Not many couples are that lucky sadly.

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Ok you keep telling yourself that

BSB30 · 14/05/2023 16:48

@SapphireStar77 Surely she knows her marriage better than anyone on here?

SapphireStar77 · 14/05/2023 16:52

BSB30 · 14/05/2023 16:48

@SapphireStar77 Surely she knows her marriage better than anyone on here?

Yeah fair enough. But she doesn’t know 100% that her DH has not in 43+ years of their relationship been unfaithful - nobody does! And that is my point