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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

If you think your partner doesn’t have time for an affair, think again

883 replies

toooldforthisshite · 11/05/2023 18:44

They will find a way. Even the most seemingly gentle, respectable guy, you know, the one who everyone says ‘he would never’. They do.
They will invite their side bit to their work during work hours if necessary to avoid having to make excuses as to why they are late home. They will wait for you to fall asleep then start chatting to her. They will delete every message they receive or send.

OP posts:
BSB30 · 14/05/2023 12:29

@DarrellRiversCriminalBehaviourOrder Please leave me alone. Thank you

DarrellRiversCriminalBehaviourOrder · 14/05/2023 12:30

BSB30 · 14/05/2023 12:29

@DarrellRiversCriminalBehaviourOrder Please leave me alone. Thank you

Stop responding if you don't want an answer.

BSB30 · 14/05/2023 12:32

@DarrellRiversCriminalBehaviourOrder Me asking you to leave me alone should be sufficient for you to not keep trying to goad me as it then starts bordering into harassment.

Anyway enjoy the rest of your day.

DarrellRiversCriminalBehaviourOrder · 14/05/2023 12:35

BSB30 · 14/05/2023 12:32

@DarrellRiversCriminalBehaviourOrder Me asking you to leave me alone should be sufficient for you to not keep trying to goad me as it then starts bordering into harassment.

Anyway enjoy the rest of your day.

It's not harassment to have a back and forth exchange on a public discussion forum.

You are free to leave the discussion if you prefer to avoid the questions I have asked you rather than answer or think about them. Trying to dress it up as "harassment" is just a dishonest attempt to disguise the fact that you cannot handle what I've asked you.

BSB30 · 14/05/2023 12:37

Ok 😂

Harrypewter · 14/05/2023 12:38

I think people need to define attractive?

BSB30 · 14/05/2023 12:38

You clearly don't understand harassment law but we will leave it there.

mydogisthebest · 14/05/2023 12:42

HoneyIshrunkthe · 14/05/2023 10:08

@BadNomad

I did try to read it lightly, and the posters who disagreed gave me a little hope but the amount of people here who are adamant it will happen, given the opportunity, has been unsettling to say the least. 😬

There a lot of cynical and bitter posters on this thread and they are intent on being insistent about just about everyone cheating.

It's absolute rubbish that everyone cheats. Even people that have the opportunity do not always take it. There are plenty of people that have strong morals and love and respect their partner too much to cheat.

Posters keep repeating "affairs just happen" are talking nonsense. I can only assume this is an excuse they have used to one a partner has used to them. I have asked how "it just happens" that you end up having sex with someone without making the decision to do so but, of course, they have not replied.

If you know you would never cheat, as I do, then you can be happy with yourself. There is also every chance that your OH would also never cheat

mydogisthebest · 14/05/2023 12:44

BSB30 · 14/05/2023 09:19

@SapphireStar77 Why are you being so nasty about someone else's marriage? I don't get it.

Because she is bitter and jealous and obviously has either cheated on someone or been cheated on. Quite possibly both

DarrellRiversCriminalBehaviourOrder · 14/05/2023 12:45

BSB30 · 14/05/2023 12:38

You clearly don't understand harassment law but we will leave it there.

So leave it there, like you've claimed to be about to do four times now. And report it to the police, since I am now apparently a law breaker.

You really don't like the idea that you don't know everything about everyone in your community, do you? I wonder why. Doesn't your religion teach humility and honesty?

mydogisthebest · 14/05/2023 12:48

SapphireStar77 · 14/05/2023 09:23

Not being nasty at all just stating the fact that she can absolutely not say for certain that her OH has never strayed - nobody can! And if you read all the messages on this thread it is actually HER that is the nasty one by calling me nasty names just because I don’t agree with her views!

Show quote history

I can actually say for sure that my husband has never cheated thank you. I don't need to explain to you how and why I know that.

You don't agree that some people don't cheat. You don't agree that some people are happily married and can be for a long time. You don't agree that affairs do not just happen. I don't agree with any of those views.

I am still waiting for your explanation as to how affairs "just happen". Funnily enough in my almost 70 years my clothes have never ever flown off on their own and neither have I found myself having sex with someone without having made the decision to do so.

guineacup · 14/05/2023 12:48

This reply has been deleted

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

In my experience, the stricter a religion is in terms of sexual rules, the more transgressions are swept under the carpet and the more likely there is to be abuse and infidelity lurking... Cheaters and abusers use the taboo created by strict sexual rules to abuse those rules with impunity because people are so conditioned to think, as you seem to be, that it "couldn't possibly happen here".

DarrellRiversCriminalBehaviourOrder · 14/05/2023 12:49

mydogisthebest · 14/05/2023 12:44

Because she is bitter and jealous and obviously has either cheated on someone or been cheated on. Quite possibly both

Show quote history

Is that how people in your religion respond to betrayed wives in distress? Nice place. No wonder nobody talks about it.

guineacup · 14/05/2023 12:50

BSB30 · 14/05/2023 12:38

You clearly don't understand harassment law but we will leave it there.

Good luck trying to bring charges against someone seeking to enter into debate on an anonymous forum such as MN. Hmm

BSB30 · 14/05/2023 12:50

@mydogisthebest I completely agree with you. It's ludicrous to say all men cheat. It's also very sexist.

I also know with 100% certainty that my husband hasn't cheated.

BSB30 · 14/05/2023 12:51

@guineacup I never mentioned charges, that would be ridiculous. However, there are laws in place which is what I was referring to.

DarrellRiversCriminalBehaviourOrder · 14/05/2023 12:52

My apologies, @mydogisthebest , I thought you were the other poster. Although it's still a nasty and spiteful comment.

mydogisthebest · 14/05/2023 12:52

5128gap · 14/05/2023 09:33

You don't have to account for your marriage of course. But I'm genuinely curious as to how you are able to be so certain about your husband. Unless a person is asexual, or there is something about them that practically no one else would find attractive, or they have never had any opportunity to do anything without being under your nose, how can you know? How do you know that what he presents to you as his 'morals' is accurate, rather than just (sensibly) telling you what he knows align to your own? This isn't to say you're wrong, just a genuine curiosity as to how you arrive at your level of certainty.

Show quote history

Before we married we talked endlessly about our morals, our views on marriage, infidelity, having children etc etc.

Before now DH even knew my views on marriage and infidelity he voiced exactly the same views that I hold.

We have been together 43 years. We know each other incredibly well. He literally goes to say something and I tell him what he is about to say and, not, it's not very often something we have been talking about recently.

Like me, he really can't hide his feelings and emotions.

mydogisthebest · 14/05/2023 12:54

BSB30 · 14/05/2023 12:50

@mydogisthebest I completely agree with you. It's ludicrous to say all men cheat. It's also very sexist.

I also know with 100% certainty that my husband hasn't cheated.

Now you have said that you will get the ridicule and abuse I am getting. Some of us have decent husbands who would never cheat no matter what but some posters just cannot accept that

DarrellRiversCriminalBehaviourOrder · 14/05/2023 12:56

guineacup · 14/05/2023 12:48

In my experience, the stricter a religion is in terms of sexual rules, the more transgressions are swept under the carpet and the more likely there is to be abuse and infidelity lurking... Cheaters and abusers use the taboo created by strict sexual rules to abuse those rules with impunity because people are so conditioned to think, as you seem to be, that it "couldn't possibly happen here".

Show quote history

Yep. Can confirm. Appalling treatment of women too.

And the fact that others in the community are so certain that if they don't see it then it cannot possibly exist, just helps it to go on.

The perpetrators justify it to themselves as being between them and God. Or some variation of righteous anger.

BSB30 · 14/05/2023 12:58

@mydogisthebest most likely but it's just people showing that they cannot think outside the box and accept that not all men are like that.

guineacup · 14/05/2023 13:11

BSB30 · 14/05/2023 12:51

@guineacup I never mentioned charges, that would be ridiculous. However, there are laws in place which is what I was referring to.

If pressing charges would be ridiculous (as it would be) then complaining that the law is supposedly being broken is also ridiculous.

BSB30 · 14/05/2023 13:13

@guineacup It was in relation to getting the poster to stop harassing me when I had already asked them to leave me alone. They then said it's not harassment and then I mentioned that they don't understand the law - and then spiralled.

Floralie · 14/05/2023 13:17

I can actually say for sure that my husband has never cheated thank you. I don't need to explain to you how and why I know that.

I mean the only way to be 100% sure is if you never have a moment apart which sounds pretty miserable to be honest, think I'd rather someone cheating on me than that intensity. I'm not sure why some are getting so defensive at what is a true statement; anyone can cheat on anyone else, it doesn't mean they do but it's not incorrect either.

BSB30 · 14/05/2023 13:23

@Floralie I'm with my husband most of the time. We love being together and when he does go out, I miss him 😂