If you think your partner doesn’t have time for an affair, think again

[toooldforthisshite]

They will find a way. Even the most seemingly gentle, respectable guy, you know, the one who everyone says ‘he would never’. They do.
They will invite their side bit to their work during work hours if necessary to avoid having to make excuses as to why they are late home. They will wait for you to fall asleep then start chatting to her. They will delete every message they receive or send.

@5128gap - exactly this!!!

@letthatmango totally agree-in some ways I feel my relationship has improved , I'm more assertive, less co dependent (a dependency I feel was created by him) - I feel somewhat that I have more clout to say 'no that doesn't suit me' because I think it's in the back of his mind that he was very very close to exiting stage right. Like you I think it was very much a one off due to poor mental health at the time and using a bit of flattery and a heavy crush as a self soothe mechanism. In my case I'm Pretty sure that it wasn't a sexual affair, just totally inappropriate secretive emotional over reliance on someone else. We all have the potential to make lousy choices on life- this was his. Like you he was desparately upset that he had hurt me so much and as it was 10 years after that period, he couldn't think for the life of him why he had done it. Booked immediately into a counsellor and has never shown signs of anything similar since. If it happened again he knows there is no second chance

I hope it will bring you some reassurance that I know many many couples who are happily married with no infidelity for many years.

Husbands parents were married for 40+ years and both remained faithful until his dads death.

Ours is a lot more strict and would get removed from the congregation for adultery

Excellent motivation not to get caught!

Innocent party would not keep it secret for those reasons.

a) Haha

b) Even more motivation not to get caught!

Sorry, but the idea that religious people in strict communities don't have affairs is risible. I'm not saying they all do, but the idea that it can't happen and you'd definitely know if it did is naive in the extreme. There are usually consequences of a different sort for the betrayed spouses if it gets out, especially if they're women.

I've been in these communities, possibly the same kind as you. Let me guess, nobody's gay either?

Assuming the innocent spouses would be happy for their partners to be excommunicated...

Aww @HoneyIshrunkthe it happened to me and I most certainly don’t think it’ll happen to everyone and I certainly wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

Looking back I just wish we’d had less conversations about how fantastic we were as a couple, how we would never cheat, how we were too tired (cue hilarious laughter), it was too much hard work (cue more hilarious laughter) and more conversations around setting clear boundaries, contact with work colleagues and ‘new’ friends (particularly those of the opposite sex (for us), nights out, the need for validation, the pain infidelity causes, mental health etc.

Less ‘gossip’ (for want of a better word) about others who were going through it and more heart wrenching empathy for what they must have gone through may have helped.

It may not have but I know that we did not have those conversations because we thought as a couple who really got on, laughed a lot, were happy, had a wonderful family, we were immune.

Yes, I know. You know. You just know.

It's nonsense and I know this from first hand experience of these communities. People still have affairs. Not all, certainly, but a religious covering and the threat of excommunication aren't the bulletproof cover that people in the community like to think.

Sex remains a powerful force. That's why there are so many rules and harsh consequences in place to try to control it. Anyone who strays will have even more motivation not to get found out (it's actually usually easier in such communities because there's far more expectation that women will be spending more time at home and yes I know, your community isn't like that). Betrayed spouses don't want to bring shame on their partners or have them excommunicated, or have to live as a divorcee because that's not a great thing to be in these communities either (again, yes I know, your community isn't like that).

Being in a religious community does not give you polygraph levels of insight into everyone's private lives. If anything, these communities, for all their group gatherings, tend to be highly secretive, for all the obvious reasons. Everyone knows and yet nobody knows.

I'm not saying everyone in your community is at it. But the idea that you know nobody is having an affair or has ever had one or could ever get away with one, because you know your religion is just ridiculous. The fact that everyone gets stuffed over if one comes out doesn't stop it happening, in fact it encourages secrecy. You've got gay people in your community too and probably domestic violence.

This reminds me of 5 years ago when I was in the car chatting to my friend. We car shared to work so would talk about anything and everything in that time. It was an hour each way every day.
Topic got onto cheating. Friend said she would never forgive her dh if she caught him cheating but she knew he never would. I said I would, in certain circumstances, forgive. This filled the next hour of me explaining why and my friend gobsmacked that I could think of all the possible reasons why a person might cheat and my perspective that it wasn’t the be all and end all. I did say, however, the knock out criterion for
me was drug abuse. Imo the devastation drugs bring on a family is far worse and I’ve seen it firsthand.

A few weeks later friend gets in car looking like she’s been hit by a bus. She had a messaging from the ow telling her all about the affair with my friends dh.

And ironically, about a year later I found out about my dhs drug addiction.

We are both still married to the same men,

People can betray you in so many ways. That’s just part of life. Cheating isn’t this super evil, just one of many. There’s no point on trying to guess what someone will or will not do. Usually people are 50 percent shit and 50 percent decent. Some 60 40 some 70 30. Just avoid the 100 percent shitheads.

Oh, everything comes above what the partner wants! It was ever thus.

But you're basically saying no betrayed spouse would ever keep it secret because of excommunication etc. Which actually sounds to me like a really strong reason for betrayed spouses to keep it under their hats.

But my question is….. if this is the case as many of you have said, then what is the point of having a relationship? If he were to cheat on me and we ended things, what would be the point in me starting a new relationship with someone else? If they are all going to do it, then what is the point??

I think it comes down to trust. I'm as certain as I can be that I wouldn't cheat. I've had opportunity to and never done it yet. But also, I met my DP later in life. I do think it's harder to remain faithful if you meet at 25 than if you meet at 45. You've got less life experience, there's more of a sense of the road not taken. Whereas past a certain point you can think 'nope, tried that, not doing that again'. And my partner is very similar to me in his moral compass. So I just think in the very unlikely event that he cheated and I found out, I'd deal with it then.

I think some posters on here have been very hurt by finding that someone they thought wouldn't cheat has done so, and it's badly affected their trust in people. And they're then spreading that misery outwards and saying it could happen to anyone.

And sure, 'not my Nigel' with his halitosis and his beer belly and his tendency to go on and on about fishing is going to have fewer opportunities than someone who is handsome and charismatic. But IMO I just don't think that necessarily makes the more attractive person more likely to cheat. He just needs a stronger ability to resist. But the idea that people are only faithful through lack of opportunity is ridiculous. Most people fall in between the two extremes of attractiveness and have some opportunity to cheat. And yet, one would hope, they mostly don't. And if they do, it's generally because of something else going on in their lives - often a source of stress.

So I'd say, tackle sources of stress as a couple. Keep building on your relationship. Maybe keep it at the back of your mind as a slight possibility, but don't assume it's inevitable. It really isn't.

@DarrellRiversCriminalBehaviourOrder We will agree to disagree.

No, you will not tell me what I agree to do.

You're wrong. Your religion and all its consequences are not a bulletproof armour against affairs. If anything, the harsh consequences and absolute certainty among members that they would always know if it happens create a more secretive environment. It isn't just affairs that can happen there. You do not, simply cannot, know that no affairs could go undiscovered and it's actually a bit arrogant to think you do. But then that kind of goes with those territories too.

@DarrellRiversCriminalBehaviourOrder Ok but I won't be continuing the discussion on this topic as you are very aggressive on the subject.

@WisherWood I've seen the phrase "not my Nigel" on the thread a lot now. What does it mean and where does the Nigel part come from? I've never heard of it before.

You don't have to respond to me.

But you are wrong. You don't get psychic insight into everyone's intimate lives just because you belong to one of these communities. And you certainly don't bring affairs to light by making sure everyone in the family is stuffed if they come out. It's that level of unfounded certainty that covers up in many cases. "Nobody will believe this of me..."

No gay people either, I assume!

@DarrellRiversCriminalBehaviourOrder Okey doke

Any gay people?

@DarrellRiversCriminalBehaviourOrder Move on please.

Thought not.

What are the odds!

@DarrellRiversCriminalBehaviourOrder Please do not put words into my mouth. Me saying "move on" is not a confirmation or a denial of your statement. It simply means that I no longer wish to engage with you because you aren't interested in a discussion, you are merely interested in portraying your perceived superiority on the subject and being aggressive and abusive whilst doing so.

This will be my last response to you on the topic of religion.

@Waitingroompurplecup Yep, it's not always so black and white in your head as people think when it happens to you

Yes, you said that about three posts ago. Respond or don't respond, but stop saying you're above it when you clearly aren't.

Unfortunately, religion is the point here. You're literally saying affairs don't happen in your community because your religion prevents them. Which begs the question of why such harsh consequences are in place for them, if everyone has such strong personal convictions about them and would place those above, well, everything.

It's frankly dangerous to instil in people the idea that something can't possibly be happening if they don't know about it. That being in a community means they know what everyone else is or isn't doing. That they couldn't possibly be fooled, even by someone they don't live with. How on earth is that a sensible outlook?