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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

If you think your partner doesn’t have time for an affair, think again

883 replies

toooldforthisshite · 11/05/2023 18:44

They will find a way. Even the most seemingly gentle, respectable guy, you know, the one who everyone says ‘he would never’. They do.
They will invite their side bit to their work during work hours if necessary to avoid having to make excuses as to why they are late home. They will wait for you to fall asleep then start chatting to her. They will delete every message they receive or send.

OP posts:
SapphireStar77 · 14/05/2023 09:15

mydogisthebest · 14/05/2023 09:12

Most of my friends with children are divorced, several more than once whereas all the friends and relatives without children are still together, on first marriages and have been married at least 30 years.

I know lots of couples still happy and in love after 30 years (in most cases longer).

Could be co-incidence but children definitely do put a strain on a relationship.

Show quote history

What a load of rubbish

mydogisthebest · 14/05/2023 09:15

SapphireStar77 · 14/05/2023 09:12

Hmmmmm and you know this because he told you so right? Or have you spent literally every second of the last 43 years together?

Show quote history

Jealous?

I don't need to account to you about my marriage or how I know how my DH feels. Your ridiculous views on how affairs "just happen" tells me all I need to know about you.

I will continue to live in my happy and contented marriage and you can continue with your strange and sad opinions

mydogisthebest · 14/05/2023 09:18

SapphireStar77 · 14/05/2023 09:15

What a load of rubbish

Show quote history

You really are a piece of work aren't you?

You don't know me or my friends/relatives.

It's totally 100% true about knowing many couples happy and in love and almost all of them not having children.

You not liking it or it not fitting your narrowminded views doesn't make it any less true.

SapphireStar77 · 14/05/2023 09:18

mydogisthebest · 14/05/2023 09:15

Jealous?

I don't need to account to you about my marriage or how I know how my DH feels. Your ridiculous views on how affairs "just happen" tells me all I need to know about you.

I will continue to live in my happy and contented marriage and you can continue with your strange and sad opinions

Show quote history

Jealous? On the contrary. Happy and blinkered you mean..

BSB30 · 14/05/2023 09:19

@SapphireStar77 Why are you being so nasty about someone else's marriage? I don't get it.

SapphireStar77 · 14/05/2023 09:20

mydogisthebest · 14/05/2023 09:18

You really are a piece of work aren't you?

You don't know me or my friends/relatives.

It's totally 100% true about knowing many couples happy and in love and almost all of them not having children.

You not liking it or it not fitting your narrowminded views doesn't make it any less true.

Show quote history

I’m thankful I don’t know you or your ‘happy’ associates.

SapphireStar77 · 14/05/2023 09:23

BSB30 · 14/05/2023 09:19

@SapphireStar77 Why are you being so nasty about someone else's marriage? I don't get it.

Not being nasty at all just stating the fact that she can absolutely not say for certain that her OH has never strayed - nobody can! And if you read all the messages on this thread it is actually HER that is the nasty one by calling me nasty names just because I don’t agree with her views!

BSB30 · 14/05/2023 09:26

@SapphireStar77 I am pretty confident that my husband has never cheated up to this point (10 years together). We are with each other pretty much 24/7 and he only really goes out to collect his son and to the shop.

5128gap · 14/05/2023 09:33

mydogisthebest · 14/05/2023 09:15

Jealous?

I don't need to account to you about my marriage or how I know how my DH feels. Your ridiculous views on how affairs "just happen" tells me all I need to know about you.

I will continue to live in my happy and contented marriage and you can continue with your strange and sad opinions

Show quote history

You don't have to account for your marriage of course. But I'm genuinely curious as to how you are able to be so certain about your husband. Unless a person is asexual, or there is something about them that practically no one else would find attractive, or they have never had any opportunity to do anything without being under your nose, how can you know? How do you know that what he presents to you as his 'morals' is accurate, rather than just (sensibly) telling you what he knows align to your own? This isn't to say you're wrong, just a genuine curiosity as to how you arrive at your level of certainty.

DarrellRiversCriminalBehaviourOrder · 14/05/2023 09:45

This reply has been deleted

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Religion based??

Yeah, I have first hand experience of those communities. They are the absolute last places where affairs become public and the reasons should be obvious. But they sure as hell aren't the last place where they happen (except perhaps for the women) and the reasons for that should be obvious too.

letthatmango · 14/05/2023 09:52

‘I've never felt 100% the same if I'm honest but then if I go it alone, I wouldn't trust any guy now at 61 - and I'm not personally going to impoverish myself either . I think stuff like this makes you a bit harder, more matter of fact about relationships and far more of a realist about men in general- was he the type? Not remotely. Did we have a poor relationship at the time- not at all !’

@Crikeyalmighty I don’t think you do recapture what you lost but for me it’s a ‘new normal’, and it’s one I have chosen, and it’s one I can find happiness in. TBH I don’t feel sad about what I lost I’ve grieved the romantic in me, I quite like the pragmatist! I could have started again with another man or been single but neither appealed. I had young children at the time and my view of love and fidelity had been altered for good so had no interest in starting again, no interest in putting the children through me dating. My husband was remorseful, I did and do love him very much and had previously shown good character, I believed he could again.

So yes entirely agree with everything you say!

HoneyIshrunkthe · 14/05/2023 09:53

I have read most of this thread and honestly it has made me feel a little insecure in my own relationship.

I always thought my partner would never do that to me. However, having read all these comments, I am now nearly convinced that he actually probably will….. or has…..
He is very attractive man and I would imagine women do look at him and probably would take a chance at him.
Before this thread I had peace of mind that he would never entertain the idea but now I feel like it’s inevitable.
It would 100% be the end of our relationship, if he were to cheat, and it doesn’t matter what the extent of the cheating is.

But my question is….. if this is the case as many of you have said, then what is the point of having a relationship? If he were to cheat on me and we ended things, what would be the point in me starting a new relationship with someone else? If they are all going to do it, then what is the point??

Original poster
toooldforthisshite · 14/05/2023 09:57

It absolutely does happen in religious situations. They are the ones more serious about keeping it a secret to maintain a moral high ground.

OP posts:
BadNomad · 14/05/2023 09:59

@HoneyIshrunkthe you have to take this thread with a pinch of salt. Remember, cheaters often think everyone else is cheating and those that say that aren't are either lying or just haven't had the opportunity. It's because in their mind everyone thinks like they do. But everyone doesn't.

HoneyIshrunkthe · 14/05/2023 10:04

For those of you who have been cheated on and have chosen to stay in the relationship…
Do you now think that your partner will still faithful to you?
Do you not worry he will do it again?
If its 100% that all men do it, whose to say he wont repeatedly do it to you?
Or is the implication that everyones partner will do it until caught?

I have many questions and thoughts over this thread.
If it is the case that everyone cheats, I don’t see the point in anyone ever having a relationship.

SmashedApricot · 14/05/2023 10:05

HoneyIshrunkthe · 14/05/2023 09:53

I have read most of this thread and honestly it has made me feel a little insecure in my own relationship.

I always thought my partner would never do that to me. However, having read all these comments, I am now nearly convinced that he actually probably will….. or has…..
He is very attractive man and I would imagine women do look at him and probably would take a chance at him.
Before this thread I had peace of mind that he would never entertain the idea but now I feel like it’s inevitable.
It would 100% be the end of our relationship, if he were to cheat, and it doesn’t matter what the extent of the cheating is.

But my question is….. if this is the case as many of you have said, then what is the point of having a relationship? If he were to cheat on me and we ended things, what would be the point in me starting a new relationship with someone else? If they are all going to do it, then what is the point??

It's not a problem until it is . Until it is don't worry about it . Be happy.

HoneyIshrunkthe · 14/05/2023 10:08

@BadNomad

I did try to read it lightly, and the posters who disagreed gave me a little hope but the amount of people here who are adamant it will happen, given the opportunity, has been unsettling to say the least. 😬

5128gap · 14/05/2023 10:10

The point @HoneyIshrunkthe is surely the benefit being in a relationship brings while its working. Something doesn't need to come with a cast iron guarantee that it will never change, or end, or disappoint for us to engage with it. Otherwise we'd never go on holiday knowing we had to come home, or take a job knowing we might be made redundant. Or indeed get married at all knowing the failure rate for all types if reasons, cheating being just one.
Some people can be so hurt by a failed relationship they do indeed make the choice to avoid them in future. Most people don't. If it happens, eventually most of us tend to dust ourselves off, accept that the door closing there doesn't mean there's no other doors we can go through if we choose, and press on in our new direction. Even if at times it seems like a triumph of hope over experience!

grass321 · 14/05/2023 10:10

I saw someone up-thread say it took her 7 years. It was nearly 5 for me. It's impossible to figure out while your head is still a mess and everyone is desperately trying to fix things. It's only when you're finally long passed it, and detached from the emotions of it, are you able to look back at the situation and the aftermath and see it. Then you get to decide if the person you see now is actually someone you want to be with.

Thank you for your advice which was much appreciated. You've hit the nail on the head, I feel I have to come to a decision in the next few weeks. Partly as he's hopping around AirBnbs rather than getting something more permanent.

But three months on, my emotions are still all over the place. I've just had major surgery and I'm trying to support my son who's taking his GCSEs. Pretty shit timing really. And if makes me cross that he embarked on something knowing full well of the risk on my son's exams if it came out.

I also found out inadvertently on the plane waiting to take off on holiday so I'm still a bit traumatised that my kids had to witness the discovery.

Either way, I'm glad others have positive relationships, it restores my faith in humanity.

BadNomad · 14/05/2023 10:16

HoneyIshrunkthe · 14/05/2023 10:08

@BadNomad

I did try to read it lightly, and the posters who disagreed gave me a little hope but the amount of people here who are adamant it will happen, given the opportunity, has been unsettling to say the least. 😬

Yeah, don't date any of those posters. But some of us are, have always been, and always will be loyal and trustworthy. Not everyone will cheat no matter what the circumstances are.

As for your other question, I stayed for a while. Obsessed over everything he did, everywhere he went, until I just stopped caring because I realised that if he wanted to cheat again, he would find a way, and it wasn't my responsibility to stop him. So I was kind of prepared for it, and I didn't really care if it happened because I knew it was a possibility and I would have no problem walking away. The flaw was in him, not in me or our relationship.

HoneyIshrunkthe · 14/05/2023 10:18

@5128gap
I understand this. However, this thread is saying that, given the opportunity, it is 100% that your partner will cheat regardless of what you think.
So in terms of your job reference - no I would not take a job that had a 100% chance of redundancy.
If someone was able to tell me that my partner will 100% cheat on me 20 years down the line, I would not start that relationship to begin with. And if its true that everyone will cheat given the opportunity, then whats the point in it all?

Floralie · 14/05/2023 10:28

What an odd thread. Of course anyone is capable of cheating, but what a miserable way to live to ponder this often.

In general nothing is certain, you could die tomorrow, a partner could up and leave for a plethora of reasons beyond your control- they might cheat, you might decide you want to leave even. The only person's actions you can control are your own, the relationships and interactions you have with others you can't, but you can enjoy the moment, make the most of the days and in the background be acutely aware that you need to be happy and secure within yourself in this life so you can withstand and get through what others may do.

I have savings and assets, I have an amazing network of friends, I have a hobby I love, I have a career I enjoy and I have reached a point where I am at peace with who I am. I love my husband, he's incredible and we have such a brilliant time together, if anything happened though i would survive. I don't see the point of the fear of what might happen ruining the time we spend together though, seems a waste. If he cheats one day he will do so whether I'm paranoid about it and letting it ruin our relationship, or whether I'm at ease and enjoying life.

BadNomad · 14/05/2023 10:29

grass321 · 14/05/2023 10:10

I saw someone up-thread say it took her 7 years. It was nearly 5 for me. It's impossible to figure out while your head is still a mess and everyone is desperately trying to fix things. It's only when you're finally long passed it, and detached from the emotions of it, are you able to look back at the situation and the aftermath and see it. Then you get to decide if the person you see now is actually someone you want to be with.

Thank you for your advice which was much appreciated. You've hit the nail on the head, I feel I have to come to a decision in the next few weeks. Partly as he's hopping around AirBnbs rather than getting something more permanent.

But three months on, my emotions are still all over the place. I've just had major surgery and I'm trying to support my son who's taking his GCSEs. Pretty shit timing really. And if makes me cross that he embarked on something knowing full well of the risk on my son's exams if it came out.

I also found out inadvertently on the plane waiting to take off on holiday so I'm still a bit traumatised that my kids had to witness the discovery.

Either way, I'm glad others have positive relationships, it restores my faith in humanity.

Partly as he's hopping around AirBnbs rather than getting something more permanent.

This isn't your problem. You shouldn't be made to feel under pressure or responsible for this. Let him get somewhere more permanent if he needs to. If he is genuine about wanting to make amends, he should be willing to give you the time you need. At the minute you're in limbo, so it might also be good for you to see how you might feel about this being permanent. Focus on your self and getting your son through his exams. Fucknut can wait. And if he doesn't wait, then there's your answer.

grass321 · 14/05/2023 10:32

Fucknut can wait. And if he doesn't wait, then there's your answer.

Good advice, thank you. And a new description, I've exhausted most of mine!

5128gap · 14/05/2023 10:34

HoneyIshrunkthe · 14/05/2023 10:18

@5128gap
I understand this. However, this thread is saying that, given the opportunity, it is 100% that your partner will cheat regardless of what you think.
So in terms of your job reference - no I would not take a job that had a 100% chance of redundancy.
If someone was able to tell me that my partner will 100% cheat on me 20 years down the line, I would not start that relationship to begin with. And if its true that everyone will cheat given the opportunity, then whats the point in it all?

I don't think the thread is saying there's a guarantee everyone will cheat. The most even the most extreme posters have said is that given the right circumstances everyone would cheat. So, even taking this as 'true' it presupposes a certain set of circumstances need to be in place. Many people will go through their entire marriage without encountering all the required circumstances coming together to result in cheating.
The other point people are making, and where 100% is being used a lot, is with regards to certainty. Many of us, myself included, believe its impossible to be 100% certain cheating won't occur. That's not in anyway the same as saying we're 100% certain it will.