If you think your partner doesn’t have time for an affair, think again

[toooldforthisshite]

They will find a way. Even the most seemingly gentle, respectable guy, you know, the one who everyone says ‘he would never’. They do.
They will invite their side bit to their work during work hours if necessary to avoid having to make excuses as to why they are late home. They will wait for you to fall asleep then start chatting to her. They will delete every message they receive or send.

You can’t say for sure that your Husband hasn’t that’s ridiculous - not everyone admits to affairs or gets caught out

@fryanddry

I suppose you could view it another way, my husband would have jumped through hoops to reconect, for how long I don't know, but I do know he actually detests me for not forgiving him.

He has also had a number of affairs with married women since we split wrecking other peoples marriages.

He just leaving a trail of destrction behind him, never wants to be with them just gets them to the point of seperating and then dumps them. He's turned into a real c... and I've actually asked him to not harm any other men by his actions.
I think he's lost his marbles, I never saw this type of malice in him in his youth.

I'm beyond caring about him but I do feel for the people he's hurting.

So I suppose you could view @letthatmango as a service for taking unsavory or unfaithful men out of the market.

I know you want to prove a point but you are victim blaming, a little empathy wouldn't go ammiss.

Blimey calm down ladies.

Where's Wookie when you need her. 😳

Bloody hell, I am so sorry all men and women you are surrounded with are shit. Perhaps you should move in different circles? Unless you fully belong into them yourself, which is another possibility.

@aurynne I actually don't know anyone in my social circle who has cheated on their partners.

You can’t speak for everyone, you know. Some people do have a very strong moral code, actually.

@fryanddry I'll say again, I think in your rather naive and binary understanding of 'love' you are failing to see it as an emotion.
Love is not simply a set of behaviours that people associate with it, it's a feeling.
A feeling that is generally triggered and sustained by what people offer us, rather than the reverse.
The poster you insist is not loved has done nothing to hurt her husband, and at the time he strayed was likely the same person he'd loved for years. Why then would you suppose that HIS bad behaviour would suddenly wipe out his love for her?
Certainly he acted in a manner out of step with our society's construct of what 'love' between intimate partners looks like, and indeed the PPs, which I agree is hurtful and wrong; but that's not the same thing as not feeling love towards her.
People with wide experience of human nature will usually understand that many many of us hurt and are hurt by those we love and who love us. Through weakness, illness, addiction, impulsiveness, lapses of judgement.
I don't believe these fallibilities indicate an absence of emotion in all these people.
You will disagree of course, as your definition of love differs, and you're entitled to apply any you choose to your own life. Less so to make unsolicited pronouncements on another person's feelings because their understanding is more nuanced.

When people say ‘I don’t know anyone who has cheated’ etc, look at how @letthatmango has been treated because she said she’s reconciled with her husband after an affair. And then look at how women who say they’ve left their husbands are treated here - it’s worlds apart.

It’s more likely, not that you don’t know anyone who’s cheated, but you don’t know anyone who’s told you they’ve experienced infidelity in their relationship. Because there’s so much stigma and social shame attached to reconciling (as evidenced perfectly in this thread).

@booksandbrews

It’s more likely, not that you don’t know anyone who’s cheated, but you don’t know anyone who’s told you they’ve experienced infidelity in their relationship. Because there’s so much stigma and social shame attached to reconciling (as evidenced perfectly in this thread).

yes indeed. It was a brave post from @letthatmango

It's amazing how much people assume they know about everyone else's lives.

@booksandbrews thank you.

I came to this thread to express the view really that good people can lose themselves and have affairs. Piss poor boundaries, a need for validation, mental health issues, life changes can all knock that moral compass off balance, if we add selfishness and entitlement (my husband is the one who believes this was his core issue) it is a recipe for disaster. But I got a bit sidetracked.

I am a few years out now, but in the first couple of years I would have been extremely triggered by the comments that were written here, I was struggling with PTSD. I would likely have had a panic attack and been very very distressed. As we know betrayed reconciled women are human, they don’t deserve further attacking when they’ve already been through so much. I raise my voice above the parapet because the process of reconciliation is perilous and if not done with determination on both sides can leave a betrayed at further risk of harm, nothing is set in stone but safeguards and knowledge of things around remorse and transparency does help. Posts like the ones here put them off seeking the support and the guidance they need to be safe, and that’s not fair.

You are very welcome 💐

@aurynne I actually don't know anyone in my social circle who has cheated on their partners.

I thought the same. Since I'm the 'victim', I was being quite honest about what I thought about those on the other side. Was having lunch with two friends recently, one went to the loo and the other told me she'd had an affair (I thought it was just her husband). I wish I'd been more circumspect about some of my comments.

I can honestly say, 25 years of marriage and no warning signs or red flags until I inadvertently found out. My friends were gobsmacked as he's the last person they'd have expected. He is (or was) a kind and thoughtful person with a responsible job and devoted to our kids.

Three months on, it's pretty torturous trying to decide whether to take him back and try to work past it.

My mum has cheated on my dad. My dad wanted to cheat but she turned him down. I mean she was half his age and just thought he was being a dirty old perv. Very few, if any, of their friends know about this. They've been married for over 50 years and might just come across as very faithful. And to be honest, they are. It's pretty rare to be completely and absolutely monogamous for 50 years plus.

I am still of the opinion that in fact not everyone would cheat. I think there are degrees. Some people take more temptation than others. But you just cannot know for sure if a couple have remained faithful to each other or not.

They DON'T.

Please explain to me how having sex with someone "just happens". What no decision to meet up with them, go somewhere to have sex with them, remove clothes etc?

Tripping over in the street just happens, affairs do not. They take conscious thought and decisions

Yes he can and does

I have two girlfriends who I never thought were capable of affairs but they are now - it happens a lot but there are also many that don't.

Thank you. Long happy marriages are pretty common in my family. My parents were married for 67 years when they died. Still very much in love, always holdings hands and cuddling.

Both my siblings have been married over 40 years, both still very happy. Out of 8 cousins 6 are happily married - shortest time 28 years, longest time 40 years. All first marriages, there are practically no divorces in my family

The poster is angry because she feels that a husband who has cheated has gone 'unpunished'. It offends her idea of justice, and she is directing her anger at you. She is missing that there are many ways in which we can pay for our wrongs, and that 'punishment' can be as much about reparation as revenge.
Good luck to you and thank you for sharing. Your posts have added much to the thread.

Three months on, it's pretty torturous trying to decide whether to take him back and try to work past it.

@grass321

In my experience, it actually takes a few years post-discovery to finally know your true mind.

I saw someone up-thread say it took her 7 years. It was nearly 5 for me. It's impossible to figure out while your head is still a mess and everyone is desperately trying to fix things. It's only when you're finally long passed it, and detached from the emotions of it, are you able to look back at the situation and the aftermath and see it. Then you get to decide if the person you see now is actually someone you want to be with.

It took me that long to see how genuinely entitled he was as a person. About so much. He was very much a "I deserve this" type of person. He had an affair because he believed he deserved to have something that would make him happy. (The reason he was unhappy was because I was grieving at the time for my mother and my misery was bringing him down 🙄). He was so upset when I ended things because he thought we were happy and the "incident" was so far in the past that he couldn't understand what my problem was now. Blah blah blah. He was happy, yes. I had just slowly stopped caring.

So, my advice is to take your time. If you want to try to work through it, do, but also be prepared for the damage done to the relationship to be terminal without either of you realising it yet. It really depends on the reason it happened (the type of person he is) and how he handles the aftermath (if he gets annoyed at you getting upset when, in his opinion, you should be over it by now).

It was a slow death for mine, but in the end I was able to walk away strong.

Hmmmmm and you know this because he told you so right? Or have you spent literally every second of the last 43 years together?

Most of my friends with children are divorced, several more than once whereas all the friends and relatives without children are still together, on first marriages and have been married at least 30 years.

I know lots of couples still happy and in love after 30 years (in most cases longer).

Could be co-incidence but children definitely do put a strain on a relationship.

@mydogisthebest