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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

If you think your partner doesn’t have time for an affair, think again

883 replies

toooldforthisshite · 11/05/2023 18:44

They will find a way. Even the most seemingly gentle, respectable guy, you know, the one who everyone says ‘he would never’. They do.
They will invite their side bit to their work during work hours if necessary to avoid having to make excuses as to why they are late home. They will wait for you to fall asleep then start chatting to her. They will delete every message they receive or send.

OP posts:
letthatmango · 13/05/2023 21:30

@fryanddry you're coming off as slightly bonkers and desperate to cause me distress. So I won’t be replying to you anymore.

fryanddry · 13/05/2023 21:33

letthatmango · 13/05/2023 21:30

@fryanddry you're coming off as slightly bonkers and desperate to cause me distress. So I won’t be replying to you anymore.

the truth hurts ..

Asuitcase · 13/05/2023 21:35

I think @letthatmango has been remarkably brave to admit that she has forgiven her husband, that does to me sound like unconditional love on her part.

Yes I do think @letthatmango recognises love, she is capable of it, her husband is not.

True love does not harm or create the madness and sadness of a betrayal, and however she is coping is not a reflection of her weakness, it is her strength.

She has harmed no one, her love was understanding and consisted of empathy.

For many the reality that theirs was a love wasted on someone who did not deserve it is an often another bitter pill to swallow as no one likes the fact that they made the wrong choice.

DarrellRiversCriminalBehaviourOrder · 13/05/2023 21:37

I know cheating can cause trauma and heartbreak, but it's still pretty low to start attacking a woman who also experienced it because you're angry that she decided to stay and work through it. It was her marriage, @fryanddry ,not yours.

Asuitcase · 13/05/2023 21:54

DarrellRiversCriminalBehaviourOrder · 13/05/2023 21:37

I know cheating can cause trauma and heartbreak, but it's still pretty low to start attacking a woman who also experienced it because you're angry that she decided to stay and work through it. It was her marriage, @fryanddry ,not yours.

I agree a little too. personal.

Question me, I don't care, long marriage, he had an affair, denied all the way.

After so long it really wouldn't have mattered whether we stayed together or not, he wanted to, still does but it would have been fruitless for him as he was no longer my friend, I would have never discussed anything personal with him again, wouldn't have had sex, and I wouldn't have taken him into account for one iota.

He would have been relegated to an inconvienient stranger getting in my way.
I don't offer excuses for inexcusable behaviour.

When women forgive men and apparantly stay with them it doesn't mean nothing changes, often the wife re writes the rules, their worst fear has been delievered, they have got throught it, they cannot be hurt in the same way.

The love is tarnished and many of the betrayed put themselves first even if they remain in the same space.

EmmaGrundyForPM · 13/05/2023 21:59

There are some really cynical people on this thread, presumably because they've been betrayed and quite understandably they are bitter.

I've been with dh for 30 years
I've never cheated, nor has he. Boring but true.

Asuitcase · 13/05/2023 22:07

EmmaGrundyForPM · 13/05/2023 21:59

There are some really cynical people on this thread, presumably because they've been betrayed and quite understandably they are bitter.

I've been with dh for 30 years
I've never cheated, nor has he. Boring but true.

That's a strange comment, do you not think betrayal makes people upset.

Would you be upset, or would it be a boring inconvenience.

Everyone who has experienced betrayal had the boringness of fedelity until not.

fryanddry · 13/05/2023 22:08

DarrellRiversCriminalBehaviourOrder · 13/05/2023 21:37

I know cheating can cause trauma and heartbreak, but it's still pretty low to start attacking a woman who also experienced it because you're angry that she decided to stay and work through it. It was her marriage, @fryanddry ,not yours.

She started the discussion with me first, she disagreed with what I said , Im just responding to her..

And I'm not angry, leaving my ex was the best decision I ever made in my life ,
I believe that women who get cheated on deserve better,
She doesn't like what I'm saying because she knows its true
Im not going to sit here and lie to her, her husband cheated he does not love her, however much she loves him

She chose to settle and wait until the next time he does it, by her own admission and I say good luck to her
what Im saying is harsh but its the truth

fryanddry · 13/05/2023 22:13

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BSB30 · 13/05/2023 22:21

I don't think that 'no red flags' is necessarily the case. There's the possibility that these clues weren't picked up on. Some people are more attuned and recognise body language and behavioural cues which would perhaps give the adulterer away.

Asuitcase · 13/05/2023 22:23

@fryanddry

I understand what you are saying and yes I believe people deserve better but when love has been trashed and ruined it does not mean that people still cannot co exist.

There are many reasons why people decide to remain in the same envioroment as their betrayer and to assume that the betrayed can always go on to find another love is fanciful depending on the circumstances.
We don't know all the circumstances but I do think whatever has occured there will be a different dynamic.

There is never much written on here about betrayers and how their lives unravel and alter the power balance when they are still with the person they have betrayed but I'm sure in many cases the tables turn and it's not all roses.

Who knows what they think.

DarrellRiversCriminalBehaviourOrder · 13/05/2023 22:27

BSB30 · 13/05/2023 22:21

I don't think that 'no red flags' is necessarily the case. There's the possibility that these clues weren't picked up on. Some people are more attuned and recognise body language and behavioural cues which would perhaps give the adulterer away.

Ten years before they cheat??

BSB30 · 13/05/2023 22:30

Come on, give @letthatmango a break. There's having an opinion but surely that can be expressed with tact.

She chose to reconcile with her husband, that is her choice. Sometimes people can make mistakes with an affair, it doesn't make them bad people. There are those men that are serial cheats but then there's also those who make 1 mistake and regret it for the rest of their lives.

@letthatmango will most likely worry about it happening again (I know I would) so I don't think theres any need to rub that chance in for her.

letthatmango · 13/05/2023 22:33

@Asuitcase and @DarrellRiversCriminalBehaviourOrder thank you for the supportive comments. I’m a good few years down the line from the affair, I really don’t get hurt by people trying to tell me what my marriage is like or telling me who my husband is.

FWIW my husband had proved his love for me several times over and been through hoops of fire to help me heal from his actions. We are genuinely happy and fully supported by all our family and friends who have seen how hard he has worked. Without going into details it had involved a huge positive change from him which not many people could manage.

I don’t think it’s for everyone, and it was a hard journey, but certainly one I’m unashamed for doing and that has brought myself and my family stability and happiness.

BSB30 · 13/05/2023 22:33

@DarrellRiversCriminalBehaviourOrder What do you mean regarding 10 years? I was talking in general while they are having the affair.

letthatmango · 13/05/2023 22:35

And just to be clear, I don’t worry about him doing it again… there is no point in worrying about something I cannot control. I will just leave. Therefore I feel safe.

5128gap · 13/05/2023 22:38

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I believe she's happy, because she said so. In a series of posts where she has been so frank, why would she lie? Its very presumptuous of you to say otherwise, as it is to say her husband doesn't love her.
It's actually very common for people having affairs to love their primary partner. Indeed that can be a reason why they choose an affair over leaving. They are often deeply conflicted with feelings for both people.
You seem to see love only as a behaviour. Do this and its love, do that and it can't be. When in fact it's an emition personal to the one experiencing it. The fact it may not manifest itself in the type of behaviour you would expect doesn't negate the feeling. If her husband says he feels love for her, how can you know better than he?

BSB30 · 13/05/2023 22:38

letthatmango · 13/05/2023 22:35

And just to be clear, I don’t worry about him doing it again… there is no point in worrying about something I cannot control. I will just leave. Therefore I feel safe.

That is very true, there's no point worrying. I hope you were not too upset by the comments.

Bubblyb00b · 13/05/2023 22:44

@mydogisthebest I don't know if having kids really is a dealbreaker in these situations... so cant comment! But all I would say is that you can only speak for yourself. You can never know what's in your husband's head - and I sincerely do hope he is exactly like you; its so heart-warming to know there are people out there who "mate for life".

My experience, sadly, was different - thought I was with my soulmate but he ruined our long (and seemingly happy, and childless!) marriage for a chance of a quick leg over with a very young and very silly person - not even a proper love affair! Luckily I had a chance to start again. No idea what he is up to now.

A lot of people my age (50ish) are now splitting up - kids are grown up, things are going stale, and lots of the men are still good looking to attract younger ladies. Those ones who stay together all going through various issues. I'm not aware of any couple who are happy and in love after 30 years together. At best, its friendship and companionship. Which is still a lot!

letthatmango · 13/05/2023 22:52

@5128gap and @BSB30 thank you both for your kind support, it is appreciated.

Asuitcase · 13/05/2023 22:54

@5128gap

I think it leads back to the question of what someone's definition of love is.

Quite clearly for some of the cake eaters it means I am capable of loving two people at once but to do so they are unable to empathise with their primary partners hurt.

Now to me that is not love, but to them well it's a warped understanding of love.

Maybe brought on by envioromental factors, I know my husbands upbringing was one of revolving lovers in his parents life, mine were very different, very much in love and connected till death.

To learn to accept that your partner has a different view or capability of love is hard, some can accept it some can't.

It's entirely personal to what your actions will be.

fryanddry · 13/05/2023 23:00

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letthatmango · 13/05/2023 23:10

Please can you stop tagging me in your posts @fryanddry its becoming a bit obsessive.

SapphireStar77 · 13/05/2023 23:12

mydogisthebest · 13/05/2023 18:45

I think that it is very sad if just because you have been with someone for a long time you need or want a kiss, shag or whatever with someone else to feel desired and attractive.

If a relationship is that unhappy why stay together? I get some couples stay together because of children but that is not always the case.

I have been married 43 years and we are still very much in love. My DH makes me feel desired and attractive. I would never throw away 43 happy years for sex with someone else. Just why would I? It's sex, it's not going to be that different and it's likely not going to be that good as we would not know each other anywhere near as well as me and DH know each other and, more importantly, we would love each other

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And can your Husband for the last 43 years of marriage hand on heart say the same thing???

SapphireStar77 · 13/05/2023 23:13

mydogisthebest · 13/05/2023 18:33

No, I will say yet again, affairs DO NOT JUST HAPPEN. How can you say "they can happen to anyone". That is saying that people have no control over their actions which is obviously not true.

Over the years there has been at least once what you call an affair opportunity that happened to me. I didn't take it though because:

  1. I love my husband
  2. I respect my husband
  3. I think cheating wrong, very very wrong
  4. I have strong morals

When I found myself being attracted to a work colleague I made a conscious decision to stop our friendly chats and kept out of his way.

If you actually have sex with someone it is definitely a decision to do so. How can it not be? You decide to go somewhere with them, you decide to take some or all of your clothes off and you decide to have sex. None of those things "just happen".

To say it is all down to chemistry is just making excuses for cheaters. We are humans not animals and don't have to give in to every urge.

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They DO just happen