If you think your partner doesn’t have time for an affair, think again

[toooldforthisshite]

They will find a way. Even the most seemingly gentle, respectable guy, you know, the one who everyone says ‘he would never’. They do.
They will invite their side bit to their work during work hours if necessary to avoid having to make excuses as to why they are late home. They will wait for you to fall asleep then start chatting to her. They will delete every message they receive or send.

That's a very intriguing read, thank you.

I think I've worked out why I'm responding so badly to all the "if you love someone, you always do x and never do y" stuff. First of all, flawed humans don't become perfect humans just because they're in love. It's not a magic mathematical formula that always causes A and prevents Y. Second, I had a boyfriend years ago whom I absolutely worshipped....loved him beyond words. And I struggled because I was hesitant about marrying him. But if you love someone, don't you marry them? Don't you commit? Love must look like this or else it's nor love, surely?

I loved him, but I also knew that there were parts of his character that were incompatible with the life I wanted, and had I stayed I would have loved him but been miserable. Eventually, I suspect, I would have ended up hating him. I actually couldn't bear for a love like that to turn to hate. I preferred to do exactly what a person who's madly in love isn't supposed to do and end the relationship. I broke both our hearts but I did the right thing. We each married people with whom we are far more compatible and we think fondly of each other...no messy, angry feelings from a horrid divorce. Of course, I now know that people who love each other say goodbye every day, for all sorts of reasons, but at the time it was a revelation. Love is complex, it's messy, it's not prescriptive and it doesn't dictate that X must happen and Y never can.

Once again, this doesn't make cheating OK nor oblige anyone to forgive it. But I can't get behind this idea that if you fail, it must mean, without exception, that you don't love your spouse and don't give a shit about them. That's as silly as the idea that everyone, without exception, cheats.

Don't take what I said as a personal attack against you ,
I was referring to cheaters when I said,
"There is no love in the absence of respect, honesty, kindness or empathy" ,
not the people who have been cheated on like you
my argument is that cheaters do not love their partners but they are good at pretending that they do

I dont want to offend you, but you weren't good at recognising real love because you fell for someone who was a cheater,
there would have been signs and red flags that you forgave and ignored
now you know the truth about him, you hopefully will recognise the signs in your next relationship

I totally agree. Life is messy and complicated (as are humans) and as tempting as it is to create formulas to safeguard yourself against hurt, life and relationships just don’t work like that.

‘Alot of people don't know what love really is , and that is why they can forgive being cheated on’

@fryanddry this was your comment right. That clearly states that people who stay do not know what love is.

And you back that up in your latest post telling me that I wasn’t good at recognising real love, that is some presumptuous sanctimonious rubbish right there.

My husband had no history of cheating. He is a kind, funny, unassuming, a family man, he doesn’t flirt, he doesn’t go out with friends for drinks, he had no red flags. He was (and is) constantly thoughtful. He become ill. He had an affair. Not an excuse, context.

‘now you know the truth about him, you hopefully will recognise the signs in your next relationship’

What next relationship? Honestly I am happily married despite our history.

Then there is no such thing. That would require your love to be unconditional, and that doesn't exist in adult relationships (parent to child may be the exception.)
Your 'true love' is bestowed only as long as the recipient meets your needs and doesn't break your personal deals. Otherwise the true lovers would all forgive their partners cheating anyway, as they wouldn't want to cause them pain by declining when they begged not to end the relationship.
People in life long contented relationships are not 'better at love'. They simply have the great good fortune to marry a person who doesn't change so much they no longer want to be with them. Who's faults are tolerable, and who continues to treat them how they would wish to be treated. Their hopes, dreams and goals remain in alignment, and life is either kind, or gives them burdens they are able to agree on how to carry together.
Those people are as rare as they are fortunate. and until you reach the end of your life, you have no way of knowing if you are one of them.

No, I will say yet again, affairs DO NOT JUST HAPPEN. How can you say "they can happen to anyone". That is saying that people have no control over their actions which is obviously not true.

Over the years there has been at least once what you call an affair opportunity that happened to me. I didn't take it though because:

1. I love my husband
2. I respect my husband
3. I think cheating wrong, very very wrong
4. I have strong morals

When I found myself being attracted to a work colleague I made a conscious decision to stop our friendly chats and kept out of his way.

If you actually have sex with someone it is definitely a decision to do so. How can it not be? You decide to go somewhere with them, you decide to take some or all of your clothes off and you decide to have sex. None of those things "just happen".

To say it is all down to chemistry is just making excuses for cheaters. We are humans not animals and don't have to give in to every urge.

@5128gap or they have bloody low standards in some cases

That too!

I dont want to offend you, but you weren't good at recognising real love because you fell for someone who was a cheater

But he wasn't a cheater when she fell for him. Nobody is a cheater until they are. Like my husband says, things are always fine until they're not.

You seem to be stuck in this fatalistic, prescriptive - and to my mind, adolescent- idea that people are divided into cheaters and non-cheaters, and you can always spot these tell-tale signs. But Mr Letthatmango wasn't a cheater before he was, and had the situation been different, perhaps he never would have been. Maybe he lost himself after a bereavement or a health scare, I don't know, but if that hadn't happened, perhaps he'd have stayed one of the good guys, to you, all his life.

You're berating letthatmango for not acting on "signs and red flags" even before he cheated - when he wasn't a cheater. And unless the future really is already written, there was no certainty he'd become a cheater at that point.

I think that it is very sad if just because you have been with someone for a long time you need or want a kiss, shag or whatever with someone else to feel desired and attractive.

If a relationship is that unhappy why stay together? I get some couples stay together because of children but that is not always the case.

I have been married 43 years and we are still very much in love. My DH makes me feel desired and attractive. I would never throw away 43 happy years for sex with someone else. Just why would I? It's sex, it's not going to be that different and it's likely not going to be that good as we would not know each other anywhere near as well as me and DH know each other and, more importantly, we would love each other

@mydogisthebest Just want to say that 43 years of marriage is pretty impressive. I hope me and my husband can be happily married for that length of time also.

Thank you @DarrellRiversCriminalBehaviourOrder my husband did have a number of issues which I won’t go into and he self medicated with this affair. It’s crap. It was extraordinarily painful but it’s not uncommon.

TBH I think people try to draw reasons for affairs to make themselves feel safe in THEIR marriages.

The idea that cheats are waving red flags prior to the affair (not mine), the idea that it only happens in unhappy marriages (again not mine) give people a false sense of security, security they do not want to give up so don’t listen to betrayed who have been there.

It’s all a way of thinking that their marriage won’t suffer.

This is a really interesting piece. Not sure I totally buy it but it’s very thought provoking.

Maybe you’re right, or maybe we’ve just had different experiences in life. But best wishes for the future.

@letthatmango again- totally my experience too and I agree with your reasoning- no one likes to think they are sat there having a take away and wine and a perfectly pleasant convivial evening whilst your DH or DW is up to shitty behaviour behind your back. Everyone seems to think there will be huge red flags or you aren't getting on or not having sex- nope, not always the case at all!!

@Crikeyalmighty Yep the unhappy marriage/ red flags rubbish sits alongside the ‘she must have known all along’ rubbish.

You know what though?! I thought I’d read everything I could possibly read from people who have no idea what it’s like to actually go through infidelity but to be told ‘I don’t know what real love is to stay’ AND ‘that I didn’t understand love enough to recognise red flags BEFORE he cheated’ is beyond weird. I’m not angry or upset in anyway just dumbfounded at the lengths people will go to in their heads to believe it’ll never be THEIR person that cheats.

Have to say @toooldforthisshite this has been a great post though. I’ve really gained a lot from the thoughts on here. Thanks for posting.

@letthatmango thank you. It’s been an interesting debate for sure, and reading some of the other threads about men in their 40/50s is kinda proving my post somewhat.

i said that and ive also been cheated on , and guess what ?
I ignored alot of red flags about his behaviour, very subtle things that make sense only after you found out the truth

some people in here are acting like their relationship was perfect and their husband was just cheating out of the blue
you didnt notice him taking his phone to the toilet? staying out late? using different language? using new moves in the bedroom?
you DID notice ,you just chose to ignore it because you didnt want to let go
im honest enough to admit it

Yes you may agree with the eridite talk but would you trust this person to be in a relationship with you.

Suunds like an open letter as to why they could never be loyal or faithful.

A pontificator of excuses.

Some of the people here are perfect examples of "if someone tells you who they are, believe them". Cynical cheaters.

well that explains why you are so defensive , your man cheated on you and you decided to stay with him, now you're in the comments fighting for your life

He is a kind, funny, unassuming, a family man, he doesn’t flirt, he doesn’t go out with friends for drinks, yes all attractive qualities for a man ,
that is how he has you fooled and that is how he pulled his mistress too..
he doesnt flirt?? maybe not with you..
Cheaters have all different personalities, but they are usually charming, kind, family men types because that is their mask , underneath that , you really cant say you know him, otherwise you would have known he was capable of betraying your trust in that way

He betrayed your trust, he went with another woman , he did not care about you when he was committing adultery , he wasn't thinking about your family at all
and now he has left you to be the strong one, who has to forgive him for the sake of your family..
good luck to you , the statistics say he will do it again, given the opportunity ..

@mydogisthebest first of all - wow, congratulations! ))
replying to what you've said - why do you think the relationship would necessarily be unhappy? after such long time its your family, people have kids, everything intertwined, your life is your partner's life; but physical attraction is not something you can control, and sometimes it goes away. Some people need that little thrill to feel alive again. I'm not saying its good, in many cases, when found out, its hurtful and destructive - but often no one knows what's going on; a couple of times I found out some stuff about my friends that made my eyes literally pop from my head with surprise. All sorts of stuff goes on - its life! I would never cheat; you would never cheat. But we are in the minority.

@fryanddry I’ve never denied that I’m reconciled you seem to have a serious problem with comprehension.

And the comment before about red flags, of course I recognised red flags WHEN he was cheating but your comment was :-

‘I dont want to offend you, but you weren't good at recognising real love because you fell for someone who was a cheater,
there would have been signs and red flags that you forgave and ignored’

I fell for him 10 years before he cheated and you have the audacity to tell me I wasn’t good at recognising real love because 10 years later he cheated!!!!

As for your last post just launching into how he’ll cheat again and using phrases aimed to wound me. I’m not stupid, I’m perfectly aware he might do, if he does I’ll manage and I’ll leave. But I’ll leave knowing these years have been worth it because we are genuinely happy together.

I do think, sadly, that having children so often changes a relationship for the worse. Most of my friends that are divorced say children were the main cause.

We chose not to have children which I do think has helped our marriage be long lasting and happy.

I love the fact that we have been together so long and have shared history. We get on so well and are never bored of each other. I have everything I want in my DH so why would I ever want to cheat and ruin it?

well I hope for your sake that he doesn't do it again otherwise it will be bad news for you..
the older you get as a woman, the quality of single men will go down
, and as a man he wont have a problem moving on to another woman because there are plenty, especially with his "amazing" qualities

I still stand by what I said before, someone who cheats on you does not love you,
women that accept cheaters have warped ideas of what love is

He was always going to cheat on you, he just did it 10 years down the line,
and how do you know he didn't cheat on you multiple times in the past without you ever finding out ?

YOU love him , the question is does he love you back ?