If you think your partner doesn’t have time for an affair, think again

[toooldforthisshite]

They will find a way. Even the most seemingly gentle, respectable guy, you know, the one who everyone says ‘he would never’. They do.
They will invite their side bit to their work during work hours if necessary to avoid having to make excuses as to why they are late home. They will wait for you to fall asleep then start chatting to her. They will delete every message they receive or send.

toooldforthisshite · 11/05/2023 18:51
Don’t kid yourself. If it’s on offer they will take it.”

So sorry for your situation but in the gentlest way, you’re wrong. “they” are no more one homogeneous being than women are.

This is all rather naive in my opinion...

It's perfectly possible to "truly love" someone and for that true love not to last a lifetime.... And it the definition of "true love" is a deep love that lasts a lifetime then no one will know for sure they're truly in love until their deathbed!

And as for "... even in a scenario where people meet someone else they may be attracted to etc." i've frequently been attracted to other people when I was married... It doesn't mean I want to start a relationship with them!

I agree - so easy nowadays

It's a nice idea that true love prevents someone from ever behaving in a dishonourable manner, succumbing to weakness or making a mistake, but it's also rather simplistic and adolescent.

I've never met a heterosexual man who's too attractive to bother with women. Steve might be faithful or he might not, but being good-looking won't be the protective factor. Nor will the physical beauty of his wife for that matter. Which we know from the number of beautiful women in the public eye who are cheated on.

Yeah, I don't think looks have that much to do with it, other than I would imagine someone who constantly seeks validation for their own attractiveness may be more likely to engage in or susceptible to flirting/an affair than someone who is secure in themselves (whether they're attractive or not).

you also get Steve who's too attractive to bother with most women.

I have never, ever known a man who couldn't be bothered with women because he was so sexy. I'm not saying all handsome men cheat, just that I've never known a man who was put off women by his own sex appeal. It's a weird reasoning.

I agree with this. And also confidence doesn’t always correlate with physical attractiveness.

An attractive man is just as likely to be thin skinny and insecure as a less attractive one.

The critical difference is he will have more opportunities.

Thin skinned not thin skinny

It's not niave, it's kind.

Some people have a capacity for care, empathy and not wanting to hurt others, yes it really does exist, some people wouldn't do something that they wouldn't like done to themselves.

Marriage and love can last a lifetime if you have two emotionally intellegent people with the same goal.

To overide societies need of selfish core values of ego is very hard for men and women, so many temptations of needing validation of sense of self.

It's perfectly possible to "truly love" someone and for that true love not to last a lifetime...

Then it's not true love, true love has to be protected and respected constantly, it's a work in progress, it not there one day and gone the next, if something is special then you are more careful of breaking it, true love has no time scale, it means eternity.

@Asuitcase

Some people have a capacity for care, empathy and not wanting to hurt others, yes it really does exist, some people wouldn't do something that they wouldn't like done to themselves. Marriage and love can last a lifetime if you have two emotionally intellegent people with the same goal.

I don't disagree with any of this.

However, to then say that anyone who's relationship has failed for any reason and hasn't lasted a lifetime, hasn't had "true love" is as offensive as it is ridiculous.

It's this "Disney" notion of "true love" that is the naive part.

I'm not saying attractive men don't cheat but their choice of finding an attractive partner to bother blowing everything up for is deminished due to a smaller dating pool of attractive women.

Sometimes the choices arn't there, a more average looking bloke probably finds more tempatation out there due to far more people being attractive than him.

'True love' doesn't exclude the couple involved ever loving other people or even having affairs that aren't 'true love'.

Sometimes of course it doesn't happen. But not because the couple involved have some kind of superior love that prevents it.

That's a naive and romanticised view in the same vein as 'star crossed lovers' having affairs. People are flawed, often self-absorbed, make mistakes and often hurt the people they love they most.

There is no superior 'true love' that prevents that. It's just people making choices.

*However,
to then say that anyone who's relationship has failed for any reason
and hasn't lasted a lifetime, hasn't had "true love" is as offensive as
it is ridiculous.

It's this "Disney" notion of "true love" that is the naive part.*

No it means one part of the equasion was* *not up to par, emotionally, intellegently or empathetically.

@letthatmango identical situation here. I found out a long time after it happened though which is one reason I've not separated. Emotional affair- flattered at 41 by 21 year old assistant - ego got better of him at a point in life where everything was going wrong- mother dying, business with problems, - mid life crisis ! when I did find all the stuff he had written 11 years previously (poems and songs) he was incredibly upset , totally disgusted with himself and his only explanation was that it felt like something pleasant and distracting at a point when everything was turning to shit. As you say, piss poor boundaries and behaviour but life isn't always black and white. Certainly made me feel like a second hand choice for a very long time when I had been busting a gut to keep the business etc. I've never felt 100% the same if I'm honest but then if I go it alone, I wouldn't trust any guy now at 61 - and I'm not personally going to impoverish myself either . I think stuff like this makes you a bit harder, more matter of fact about relationships and far more of a realist about men in general- was he the type? Not remotely. Did we have a poor relationship at the time- not at all !

That's a naive and romanticised view in the same vein as 'star crossed
lovers' having affairs. People are flawed, often self-absorbed, make
mistakes and often hurt the people they love they most.

Granted but it doesn't mean that it doesn't exist, true love.

Just because many have not experienced that or have been part of couple where one did not, does not mean it does not exist or couldn't exist.
I've known many couples who remained together till death, not hating one another, still caring, still feeling absolutely safe and protected, still intimate in older age.

And still living in the modern world with all of the naysayers saying it's impossible for love to last a lifetime.

It does happen.

@Asuitcase I know a couple like this been married 45 plus years. The guy certainly had a couple of very short term dalliances in his 30's whilst away with work- was told this by someone he worked with - I genuinely think his wife has no idea , doesn't care or has chosen to get past it- knowing her though I genuinely think she doesn't know. He's a fantastic husband and grandfather too and it's clear they love each other very much still.

Do people really think men are that desperate?

I personally know of someone who has been married for 28 years and has been directly propositioned for sex at work. It wasn't even a consideration for him and he told her he wasn't interested because he was married.

Decent and faithful men wouldn't even put themselves in a situation where an affair could happen - such as not being alone with another woman and not being too overly familiar with other women.

@Thelaughingtonepoliceman Not everyone who is in a relationship is in love with their partner. Sometimes you can think you're in love but turns out that wasn't the case.

I agree with pp, if you truly loved your spouse then a person wouldn't cheat. If it's proper love; it should run so deep so as to hurt the other person is not even a consideration.

@Asuitcase

It's perfectly possible to "truly love" someone and for that true love not to last a lifetime...

Then it's not true love, true love has to be protected and respected constantly, it's a work in progress, it not there one day and gone the next, if something is special then you are more careful of breaking it, true love has no time scale, it means eternity.

I think you're confusing two things here and your outlook is very very utopian. There's no such thing as an objectively measurable "true love", it's not a chemical element which can be measured via a PH test. By definition, love is a subjective and mutable condition.

There are lots of different kinds of romantic love. It is possible to feel total genuine, selfless, all encompassing love for another person at a period in time but for that love to eventually fade away or to get to a point where it's no longer healthy or constructive. That doesn't invalidate the fact that there was love there. I have truly, deeply loved people in the past who I rarely think about now. The fact that they are no longer the dominating force in my life does not mean I can't claim it was love. Love is more than just an endurance test.

It is also, as a separate point, possible to be sufficiently committed to your marriage that you prioritise it over all other else in your life and will stick to it through thick and thin and in the face of temptation. And many people do this. But that isn't necessarily just about love. It could be love or it could be your personality, or your religion or just the fact that you have too much invested in your marriage (financially and/or emotionally) to walk away from it.

That's not necessarily for everyone though. Marriage and LTRs can be life affirming but they are also a big burden on many people and bring a lot of baggage and commitment which a lot of people aren't really designed for.

Cheating is obviously never the best way out of this. But I can't help feeling that part of the reason people cheat is our over-investment in the notion that "love" underpins the whole structure of a relationship. Relationships should have love at their core but there's a ton of other parameters involved too: money, children, logistics, friends etc. Most successful long-term marriages take on a life of their own after a while and at a certain point they become about more than just "love". And of course historically most marriages weren't based on love at all, they were based on financial arrangements made to benefit the broader family. Love was an afterthought and a bonus. This isn't wholly disastrous, and it does keep people together. But the notion of a marriage is about a lot more than just love and it's very difficult to dismantle.

I think if we were a bit more honest about the role that "love" plays in the edifice of marriage we might be able to be a bit more pragmatic about things when marriages stop working for us, lose some of the hysteria and recrimination. The whole notion of "cheating" could become easier to deal with if we accepted that not everyone is cut out for a lifelong endurance test of this kind and we would be much more pragmatic about changing the arrangements to fit our needs.

Didn't I say it happens? Yes.

But because of the choices those people made, not because of a romanticised version of 'true love'.

People who were 'truely in love' have affairs too. It happens all the time. People change, things happen, emotions change and you can 'truely love someone' and 'truely love' someone else at the same time.

It's not always exclusive.

@DarrellRiversCriminalBehaviourOrder its adolescent to think that everyone in a relationship would cheat given the opportunity. Most adults acknowledge that and surely it’s a basic tenet of being in an adult relationship. The more mature school of thought is surely -

a) it’s immature to make the decision to cheat rather than leave your current partner.

b) I will die on this hill - someone who truly loves their partner would never entertain the idea of having an affair. If they would, then it isn’t love. True love comes with respect for the other person. There’s no greater disrespect than to be unfaithful.

I don’t see how those views are simplistic. I’m aware that the reasons that conspire to making someone cheat are many and varied. But the fact remains that someone who loved and respected both themselves and their partner just wouldn’t do it. Nor would their head be turned by someone else if they were genuinely in a committed relationship.

Amazing post!! 👏 . I was trying to say this but lacked the ability to articulate it.

You win the Internet today 🤗

No not all but for the majority, when something goes up all sense goes out of the window . Then post nut clarity kicks in and guilt sets in . That's their punishment as they have to live with it . Also every man I know who has left his wife/ partner for someone else has gone back and slept with the ex behind his new partners bank .

@ZittingBiting

Bless you! wish my colleagues and family agreed with you 😀