Page 18 | If you think your partner doesn’t have time for an affair, think again

toooldforthisshite · 2023-05-11T17:44:13+00:00

They will find a way. Even the most seemingly gentle, respectable guy, you know, the one who everyone says ‘he would never’. They do. They will invite their side bit to their work during work hours if necessary to avoid having to make excuses as to why they are late home. They will wait for you to fall asleep then start chatting to her. They will delete every message they receive or send.

Sittwritt · 13/05/2023 10:40

A friend who is late 50's told me that by her age she didn't know of a marriage that hadn't been seriously tested - whether infidelity or some form of addiction.

This is so true.

BigFatLiar · 13/05/2023 10:40

If your partner is a dull and unattractive Nigel who technically doesn’t cheat because no one will touch him despite his trying is he any less of a cheat than a gorgeous man who flits from flirtation to flirtation but stops short of shagging? I’m not sure.

Depends on whether you think flirting is cheating and what you consider flirting.

WisherWood · 13/05/2023 11:05

Maybe an affair opportunity has never happened to you but doesn’t mean to say affairs don’t happen because they simply do ‘just happen! And can happen to anyone - regardless of their morals or wether they are a good or a bad person! Most affairs are not one night stands but with people already known to you ie close friend of work colleague - it doesn’t matter how good your marriage is or how old you are. Most of the time it is not a ‘decision’ to have an affair but chemistry - the same stuff that makes a person fall for their OH in the first place!

You don't just happen to fall onto someone's dick. You make a decision to have sex with them, and chemistry is no excuse. It's not an inevitability. Despite the way we describe ourselves as 'falling' for someone, it's not gravity. You can choose to stay away.

Throughout my 20s and 30s I had myriad opportunities to be an affair partner. I was single but the men making offers were in relationships, often married. And I always said no, now matter how tempted I was, because it would have been wrong. Now, if I can turn down an affair when I'm single, how much more careful do you think I am when I'm in a relationship?

I know that first spark is all but meaningless. It's just hormones. It doesn't mean you're starstruck lovers destined to be together forever. It's just a primitive drive saying 'him, fuck him'. It's safe to ignore it and walk away.

Thelaughingtonepoliceman · 13/05/2023 11:29

BigFatLiar · 13/05/2023 10:40

If your partner is a dull and unattractive Nigel who technically doesn’t cheat because no one will touch him despite his trying is he any less of a cheat than a gorgeous man who flits from flirtation to flirtation but stops short of shagging? I’m not sure.

Depends on whether you think flirting is cheating and what you consider flirting.

Theres loads of ways to cheat in my opinion. It’s never just as simple as “not falling on someone’s dick”. An emotional affair with depth and connection would in many ways feel more like infidelity than a one off drunken shag. I certainly would find it much more threatening if my partner had a deep emotional connection with someone where there was no sex than if he shagged someone he met in a bar.

I have known (and been involved in) situations which stopped short of the technical definition of cheating but where there was an emotional or romantic bond developed which would have undermined the primary relationship and should not have happened.

I think people who are attractive, confident and charismatic are much more likely to find themselves in these ambiguous situations than less confident and less attractive people because of the way they conduct themselves. That doesn’t mean less confident people won’t cheat but I think with the gorgeous social butterflies there is far more scope for grey areas.

Without meaning to sound unkind, or to justify infidelity, it’s easier to be sanctimonious about your “moral compass” if you or your spouse rarely find yourself in this scenario.

guineacup · 13/05/2023 11:29

@SapphireStar77

I agree with Chris Rock! Those who are faithful simply haven’t had an options!

That's just plain wrong... We're not all slaves to our hormones and genitals.

Whilst married, i had at least 4 "options" that I'd have followed up on had I been single, but I had enough self-control not to!

guineacup · 13/05/2023 11:37

Most of the time it is not a ‘decision’ to have an affair but chemistry - the same stuff that makes a person fall for their OH in the first place!

Absolute bollocks...

Experiencing chemistry with someone may not be voluntary, but nurturing that, and allowing it to develop into an affair is most definitely and unequivocally a "decision".

SleepingStandingUp · 13/05/2023 11:50

Thelaughingtonepoliceman · 13/05/2023 11:29

Theres loads of ways to cheat in my opinion. It’s never just as simple as “not falling on someone’s dick”. An emotional affair with depth and connection would in many ways feel more like infidelity than a one off drunken shag. I certainly would find it much more threatening if my partner had a deep emotional connection with someone where there was no sex than if he shagged someone he met in a bar.

I have known (and been involved in) situations which stopped short of the technical definition of cheating but where there was an emotional or romantic bond developed which would have undermined the primary relationship and should not have happened.

I think people who are attractive, confident and charismatic are much more likely to find themselves in these ambiguous situations than less confident and less attractive people because of the way they conduct themselves. That doesn’t mean less confident people won’t cheat but I think with the gorgeous social butterflies there is far more scope for grey areas.

Without meaning to sound unkind, or to justify infidelity, it’s easier to be sanctimonious about your “moral compass” if you or your spouse rarely find yourself in this scenario.

Show quote history

So you nearly cheated because you're so attractive and popular and those of us who think that that isn't something that happens all the tien are just timid wallflowers who don't understand how hard you have it, trying to stay faithful.

Got it.

SleepingStandingUp · 13/05/2023 12:00

SapphireStar77 · 13/05/2023 09:18

Maybe an affair opportunity has never happened to you but doesn’t mean to say affairs don’t happen because they simply do ‘just happen! And can happen to anyone - regardless of their morals or wether they are a good or a bad person! Most affairs are not one night stands but with people already known to you ie close friend of work colleague - it doesn’t matter how good your marriage is or how old you are. Most of the time it is not a ‘decision’ to have an affair but chemistry - the same stuff that makes a person fall for their OH in the first place!

Show quote history

A kiss, even sleeping together once, I'd say can happen. Drunk, inhibitions lower etc, it happens. You wake up the next day and think wtf.

But an affair takes an active decision. It requires planning and lying and making active decisions. You don't accidently end up in a hotel riding Dave in Accounts like something out of 50 Shades. You choose to tell DH it's a work trip. He chooses to tell his pregnant gf his old mate is feeling down. You choose to book a hotel outside of town. You choose to drive there. In the morning you choose to shower, drive home and tell DH that the conference was boring. And you choose to do it again and again

Thelaughingtonepoliceman · 13/05/2023 12:15

@SleepingStandingUp

So you nearly cheated because you're so attractive and popular and those of us who think that that isn't something that happens all the tien are just timid wallflowers who don't understand how hard you have it, trying to stay faithful.

I’m not saying that. And I wasnt talking about me. I’m not particularly popular, I’m of distinctly average attractiveness and I have never cheated in a LTR.

I’m saying, if I’m blunt, that in a lot of the cases where women roll up on thread after thread to say they are 100% sure their husbands would never cheat, a major factor is that no one else would have them. It’s not necessarily a reflection of their inherent fidelity.

Attractive people have more chances to cheat. It’s uncomfortable but true.

5128gap · 13/05/2023 12:22

Thelaughingtonepoliceman · 13/05/2023 12:15

@SleepingStandingUp

So you nearly cheated because you're so attractive and popular and those of us who think that that isn't something that happens all the tien are just timid wallflowers who don't understand how hard you have it, trying to stay faithful.

I’m not saying that. And I wasnt talking about me. I’m not particularly popular, I’m of distinctly average attractiveness and I have never cheated in a LTR.

I’m saying, if I’m blunt, that in a lot of the cases where women roll up on thread after thread to say they are 100% sure their husbands would never cheat, a major factor is that no one else would have them. It’s not necessarily a reflection of their inherent fidelity.

Attractive people have more chances to cheat. It’s uncomfortable but true.

I completely agree. I can't believe people are taking offence at what is a rather obvious and undeniable point. I've got visions of dozens of Nigels being sent off by their wives on the pull tonight, just to prove they're as attractive as they are faithful!

Thelaughingtonepoliceman · 13/05/2023 12:31

@5128gap

I've got visions of dozens of Nigels being sent off by their wives on the pull tonight, just to prove they're as attractive as they are faithful!

LOL. That would make a great sitcom.

Most of the Nigel’s would need intensive conversation coaching from their wives to get to first base.

No football
No accountancy
No shed
No golf
No cycling
She doesn’t want to hear about your fishing weekend
Oh, and don’t mention Brexit

BubziOwl · 13/05/2023 12:32

TheMoops · 11/05/2023 19:27

I agree opportunity alone wouldn't be enough to make everyone (most people?) cheat, but opportunity isn't the only factor.

But that's exactly what some people are saying ... that given an opportunity people will cheat.

Believe it or not, some people just won't. No matter the circumstances or opportunity. Lots will of course, but not everyone.

I agree. Some people are very stubborn and have very strong values. I was raised in such a way that I know I would never cheat, and I know a few men that I would genuinely stake my life on the fact that they would never have affairs. I'm not being naive - my husband isn't one of the aforementioned men. He's a very good man and hates infidelity, but I actually don't believe my husband would never cheat under any circumstance at all - as PPs said, I can imagine that if we went through some particularly unfortunate life circumstances and we let our relationship fall by the wayside significantly, he could be tempted as a means of stress belief. That's why I always keep in mind how important it is to make an effort to keep a relationship strong during rough times.

BodyKeepingScore · 13/05/2023 12:33

@toooldforthisshite absolute bollocks. There are many loving faithful men out there. It's obvious you just haven't found any of them. It's not remotely helpful to make sweeping assumptions about everyone else's partners.

BodyKeepingScore · 13/05/2023 12:33

toooldforthisshite · 11/05/2023 18:51

Don’t kid yourself. If it’s on offer they will take it.

Again... total nonsense.

ZittingBiting · 13/05/2023 12:34

With smartphones anyone, male or female has the opportunity and time for an 'affair'.

BodyKeepingScore · 13/05/2023 12:35

It seems to me that the people saying all men or women would do it given the right circumstances have never truly loved someone else. If they had, there would never be any consideration of hurting or cheating on someone else. Even in a scenario where people meet someone else they may be attracted to, most people would leave their relationship rather than cheat. Not everyone has such low standards.

MartiniFlan · 13/05/2023 12:36

I think 'it doesn't just happen' is true in the sense that yes, no man just walks down the street and trips and falls dick-first into another woman. But not every man who has an affair is some sort of moustache-twirling cad constantly perving over other women (I guess some sort of pre-meditated v manslaughter equivalent), and people who would previously have said 'I would never cheat on my partner' end up in scenarios where the opportunity to cheat is there, and they're selfish enough and lacking the strength of mind to not take that option.

MartiniFlan · 13/05/2023 12:38

BodyKeepingScore · 13/05/2023 12:35

It seems to me that the people saying all men or women would do it given the right circumstances have never truly loved someone else. If they had, there would never be any consideration of hurting or cheating on someone else. Even in a scenario where people meet someone else they may be attracted to, most people would leave their relationship rather than cheat. Not everyone has such low standards.

This is really quite offensive. Do you think none of the cheated on women posting here had partners who swore blind they loved them more than anything, who would do anything for them, thought they were with their soulmates? They all just had low standards and picked men they didn't think really loved them?

5128gap · 13/05/2023 12:43

Thelaughingtonepoliceman · 13/05/2023 12:31

@5128gap

I've got visions of dozens of Nigels being sent off by their wives on the pull tonight, just to prove they're as attractive as they are faithful!

LOL. That would make a great sitcom.

Most of the Nigel’s would need intensive conversation coaching from their wives to get to first base.

No football
No accountancy
No shed
No golf
No cycling
She doesn’t want to hear about your fishing weekend
Oh, and don’t mention Brexit

😂
"And you will stay there until someone fancies you! I don't care that its loud and you're missing QI. Now get those slippers off and leave that picture of you and the carp where it is, I keep telling you it's not how big it is that matters"

Thelaughingtonepoliceman · 13/05/2023 12:44

BodyKeepingScore · 13/05/2023 12:35

It seems to me that the people saying all men or women would do it given the right circumstances have never truly loved someone else. If they had, there would never be any consideration of hurting or cheating on someone else. Even in a scenario where people meet someone else they may be attracted to, most people would leave their relationship rather than cheat. Not everyone has such low standards.

This is simplistic and naive.

Think this through. If people who were in love with their spouses never cheated there would never be affairs.

Roundandnour · 13/05/2023 12:47

In the right circumstances and depending on their personality people will do many things no one would suspect them of. It’s nothing knew and pre dates smart phones.

RetiredEarly · 13/05/2023 12:49

BodyKeepingScore · 13/05/2023 12:33

@toooldforthisshite absolute bollocks. There are many loving faithful men out there. It's obvious you just haven't found any of them. It's not remotely helpful to make sweeping assumptions about everyone else's partners.

Seeing the number of threads on MN and discussions in RL I’d say that those men are very far in between tbh….

fryanddry · 13/05/2023 12:50

even men themselves admit that most of them cheat,

I was cheated on in the worse way , and I was given something incurable as a good bye present too.. I felt completely violated and they put my health at risk as I was pregnant

I respect people who are honest and break up with you before they move on to someone else, but most people sadly, like the thrill of cheating and sneaking around, they also get some immature satisfaction of having secrets and hurting their partners , its sick
cheating is abusive in my opinion, with all the gaslighting and lying they do , its emotionally and mentally abusive .

Thelaughingtonepoliceman · 13/05/2023 12:52

@5128gap

😂

Go now Nigel! Or the carp gets it!

Asuitcase · 13/05/2023 12:53

BodyKeepingScore · 13/05/2023 12:33

Again... total nonsense.

Show quote history

Some men and women have offers all the time.

Talking of attractiveness and availability, one of our neighbours, a couple, you have never seen such an attractive pair, stunning, really stunning, I've had friends family etc round, everyone comments on their beauty, male and female.

The ammount of females that have enquired where he works, where he drinks, what hobbies he has, is rediculous as far as I know they are happy and faithful.

As a pp said chemistry can be just meeting someone who is more attractive than yourself, it's hard to resist for some people, they become deluded in their own attractiveness.

So I think as far as people saying old Nigel is faithful for lack of offers, you also get Steve who's too attractive to bother with most women.

I think it's the average lookers that tend to be constantly on the lookout for validation of their looks.