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Original poster

If you think your partner doesn’t have time for an affair, think again

883 replies

toooldforthisshite · 11/05/2023 18:44

They will find a way. Even the most seemingly gentle, respectable guy, you know, the one who everyone says ‘he would never’. They do.
They will invite their side bit to their work during work hours if necessary to avoid having to make excuses as to why they are late home. They will wait for you to fall asleep then start chatting to her. They will delete every message they receive or send.

OP posts:
porridgeisbae · 12/05/2023 19:53

I think people are selfish by nature. Our upbringings ideally teach us to behave less selfishly.

Women receive some more societal conditioning encouraging them to be helpful, supportive, giving etc.

Therefore men do tend to act more 'selfish' than women maybe?

But some women should arguably be more selfish, as in have more boundaries etc.

Bubblyb00b · 12/05/2023 23:09

pretty much all of my long term relationship friends had flings or sexual encounters while married, some had affairs. Its silly to think that attractive people who were with the same partner for 20 odd years would not stray even a little if the opportunity presents itself. but pretty much all of them would never think of leaving.

mydogisthebest · 13/05/2023 07:29

Bubblyb00b · 12/05/2023 23:09

pretty much all of my long term relationship friends had flings or sexual encounters while married, some had affairs. Its silly to think that attractive people who were with the same partner for 20 odd years would not stray even a little if the opportunity presents itself. but pretty much all of them would never think of leaving.

Why exactly is it "silly to think attractive people who were with the same partner for 20 odd years would not stray even a little"?

That is such a stupid and rude, not to mention untrue, thing to say. So unattractive people are not so likely to stray?

What is "straying just a little"? A one night stand? An affair lasting just a couple of months?

Doesn't make a jot of difference how attractive someone is, cheating is cheating and is despicable and wrong and most people don't do it.

Why even stay with someone for "20 odd years" if you don't love and respect them?

Also it's rubbish to say "if the opportunity presents itself". How exactly does an affair opportunity "present itself"? As I have said several times, affairs do not just happen. Despite some posters insisting they do, they really do not.

A drunken one night stand, as pathetic as it is, could maybe be described as "just happening" but anyone thing else certainly cannot. You make a conscious decision to carry on working with/seeing someone you feel attracted to and/or get on well with and you then make a conscious decision to have sex with them. Cheaters like to make excuses but that is the truth - they made the decision it did not "just happen"

WisherWood · 13/05/2023 07:56

I think anyone who says affairs 'just happen' must just drift through life with very little self awareness or self control. And an inability to admit fault and take responsibility for their actions.

DarrellRiversCriminalBehaviourOrder · 13/05/2023 08:00

WisherWood · 13/05/2023 07:56

I think anyone who says affairs 'just happen' must just drift through life with very little self awareness or self control. And an inability to admit fault and take responsibility for their actions.

I'm not one of those who thinks all affairs are the same and everyone who has an affair is sheer evil, but I do agree with this. It does annoy me when people who have affairs say it "just happened" as if they never had any active part of it and it was just a forced of nature. It still might have been understandable/forgivable, but the idea that it all occurred by itself irks me. See also "he reeled me in", "got sucked in", "fell in" and all the other passive language to imply no choices were made at any point.

Lampzade · 13/05/2023 08:04

I wouldn’t vouch for anyone , ( not even my lovely dh)
I can’t even trust myself not to cheat , despite the fact that I think that cheating is abhorrent.

5128gap · 13/05/2023 08:16

I think the pp who mentioned attractiveness as a variable has something of a point. If you're going to have an affair you need to find a person who'll have you. Lechy Dave might jump at the chance, but if he has no takers, he's faithful by default. It's less about attractive people being predisposed to affairs and more about unattractive ones having less opportunity.

DarrellRiversCriminalBehaviourOrder · 13/05/2023 08:19

5128gap · 13/05/2023 08:16

I think the pp who mentioned attractiveness as a variable has something of a point. If you're going to have an affair you need to find a person who'll have you. Lechy Dave might jump at the chance, but if he has no takers, he's faithful by default. It's less about attractive people being predisposed to affairs and more about unattractive ones having less opportunity.

Although unattractive ones could theoretically be more inclined to take any offers they get, since they don't get many and might value the validation more.

"Faithful by default" is one reason why it's silly trying to force fidelity by warning others off your partner and attacking OW/OM more than the unfaithful spouse. If the only reason your husband is faithful is because all the women he approaches say no, what good is that? It comes down to whether you can trust him, not whether you can trust every woman who crosses his path.

Lampzade · 13/05/2023 08:34

5128gap · 12/05/2023 09:09

Far from being offensive, or an admission of dubious morals, I think that recognition that you can never say with certainty indicates a higher level of maturity and emotional intelligence than all the hard no's, and actually serves as a protective factor.
Until you're at the end of your life you have no way of knowing what events will occur, how you or your partner may change, who you'll meet, how you'll feel. The best any of us can say is I'm definitely not going to do that now, and to the best of my knowledge, given I don't have access to their private thoughts, neither would my partner.
To view yourself as completely immune to a behaviour/situation is actually quite risky as it can lead to a failure to recognise danger signs and moderate your behaviour. Many affairs develop from emotional affairs, which in turn develop from close friends, which have resulted for getting on just that bit better with the hilarious supportive person at work who brings a bit of spark into the humdrum. People who understand human fallibility are more likely to see where that can end than those who insist that these things are risk free, because I trust them/ we'd NEVER cheat.

This

XBealtaine · 13/05/2023 08:39

Yes a lot of men are only faithful because there are no takers.

YouAreNotBatman · 13/05/2023 08:43

5128gap · 13/05/2023 08:16

I think the pp who mentioned attractiveness as a variable has something of a point. If you're going to have an affair you need to find a person who'll have you. Lechy Dave might jump at the chance, but if he has no takers, he's faithful by default. It's less about attractive people being predisposed to affairs and more about unattractive ones having less opportunity.

This reminded of my friends husband!
He tried his luck with many women, texting her friends trying to get a leg over etc.
Everyone turned him down.
So is he a cheater or not, since he wanted to but no one took the offer?

Lampzade · 13/05/2023 08:43

5128gap · 13/05/2023 08:16

I think the pp who mentioned attractiveness as a variable has something of a point. If you're going to have an affair you need to find a person who'll have you. Lechy Dave might jump at the chance, but if he has no takers, he's faithful by default. It's less about attractive people being predisposed to affairs and more about unattractive ones having less opportunity.

Reminds me of that Chris Rock quote
’Men are as faithful as their options’

Sittwritt · 13/05/2023 09:06

Yes 🙌 men fin it much harder to lure people in, they don’t have as many options as women, so when someone shows them ‘kindness’ they don’t pause to think is this the right thing for me or what do I want out of this, they jump at the chance of nookie. Because it’s been so long since anyone showed interest in bed dining them and it will be so long till the next time, so it makes sense to go for it, right?

nowinhouse · 13/05/2023 09:07

Spookysnake · 11/05/2023 19:19

I can guarantee, 100% a high proportion of those people who say their OH would never cheat/has never cheated, are wrong.

I completely agree with this. The number of "family men" that have tried it on over the years is insane. I think when women stop working so aren't exposed to it as much they become blinkered and think it doesn't happen any more. I also think many more use escorts regularly than women realise.

5128gap · 13/05/2023 09:15

DarrellRiversCriminalBehaviourOrder · 13/05/2023 08:19

Although unattractive ones could theoretically be more inclined to take any offers they get, since they don't get many and might value the validation more.

"Faithful by default" is one reason why it's silly trying to force fidelity by warning others off your partner and attacking OW/OM more than the unfaithful spouse. If the only reason your husband is faithful is because all the women he approaches say no, what good is that? It comes down to whether you can trust him, not whether you can trust every woman who crosses his path.

Show quote history

Agreed.

SapphireStar77 · 13/05/2023 09:18

mydogisthebest · 13/05/2023 07:29

Why exactly is it "silly to think attractive people who were with the same partner for 20 odd years would not stray even a little"?

That is such a stupid and rude, not to mention untrue, thing to say. So unattractive people are not so likely to stray?

What is "straying just a little"? A one night stand? An affair lasting just a couple of months?

Doesn't make a jot of difference how attractive someone is, cheating is cheating and is despicable and wrong and most people don't do it.

Why even stay with someone for "20 odd years" if you don't love and respect them?

Also it's rubbish to say "if the opportunity presents itself". How exactly does an affair opportunity "present itself"? As I have said several times, affairs do not just happen. Despite some posters insisting they do, they really do not.

A drunken one night stand, as pathetic as it is, could maybe be described as "just happening" but anyone thing else certainly cannot. You make a conscious decision to carry on working with/seeing someone you feel attracted to and/or get on well with and you then make a conscious decision to have sex with them. Cheaters like to make excuses but that is the truth - they made the decision it did not "just happen"

Show quote history

Maybe an affair opportunity has never happened to you but doesn’t mean to say affairs don’t happen because they simply do ‘just happen! And can happen to anyone - regardless of their morals or wether they are a good or a bad person! Most affairs are not one night stands but with people already known to you ie close friend of work colleague - it doesn’t matter how good your marriage is or how old you are. Most of the time it is not a ‘decision’ to have an affair but chemistry - the same stuff that makes a person fall for their OH in the first place!

SapphireStar77 · 13/05/2023 09:20

Lampzade · 13/05/2023 08:43

Reminds me of that Chris Rock quote
’Men are as faithful as their options’

Show quote history

I agree with Chris Rock! Those who are faithful simply haven’t had an options!

FirstTimeNameChanger · 13/05/2023 09:26

Ridiculous thread.

Are all humans fallible and capable of behaving selfishly and badly? Yes. Every human on earth has the capacity to hurt the people who love them.

Will all men cheat on their wives, if given an opportunity? No. Some people will acknowledge temptation in any form, deliberate it, and decide against it. Some won't.

We are all capable of causing harm, and also we are all capable of not causing harm. Even men 😂

I'm sorry for anyone who believes differently

nowinhouse · 13/05/2023 09:31

namechangeswitcheroo · 11/05/2023 22:33

I'm in my mid-late forties now. Over the years, I've become more and more surprised to learn that men I know of, classic 'wonderful husband and father' type guys who are having, or are found to have had emotional and physical affairs. It's not ALL men, or women, by any means, but there's definitely more of it about than I suspected when I was younger.

I was going to say this too. When i was younger i thought i was special so all these guys falling at my feet were doing it because they couldn't resist me! Fucking deluded. Many, not all obvs, will take the opportunity (or make the opportunity) regardless of their wife and family at home.

A women at my kids school is pregnant with another (married) mans child. Open secret that practically everyone knows about.

My husband cheated on me. I thought he was one of the ones that would never do that. I think it was because i thought like that that it was easy for him. I probably would never have found out if he hadn't been careless - I def didn't suspect anything.

A friend who is late 50's told me that by her age she didn't know of a marriage that hadn't been seriously tested - whether infidelity or some form of addiction. Its just the ones that survive are kept a secret. The number of friends that told me of similar (that i had previously had no idea) when i was sharing my terrible news was astonishing.

Thelaughingtonepoliceman · 13/05/2023 09:34

SapphireStar77 · 13/05/2023 09:20

I agree with Chris Rock! Those who are faithful simply haven’t had an options!

Show quote history

This is a bit of an exaggeration. I don’t think it’s as simple or binary as attractive people cheat because they can, unattractive ones don’t because they can’t. Much more complicated than this.

Other factors come into play. Personality, level of comfort with risk, whether children are involved etc. And indeed the feelings of love and loyalty with their partner.

But it is undoubtedly true that attractive people have much more opportunity and this is partly why it’s so ridiculous to be so black and white about this and banging on about the “morals” as if people who don’t cheat are more evolved than people who do.

A lot of this is indeed down to opportunity and from an evolutionary perspective people with good genes are literally evolved to sleep around.

If your partner is a dull and unattractive Nigel who technically doesn’t cheat because no one will touch him despite his trying is he any less of a cheat than a gorgeous man who flits from flirtation to flirtation but stops short of shagging? I’m not sure.

letthatmango · 13/05/2023 09:37

‘Most of the time it is not a ‘decision’ to have an affair but chemistry - the same stuff that makes a person fall for their OH in the first place!’

I think the point of the dissenters on this thread is that ‘chemistry’ does not make you have an affair. I keep my husband safe, my marriage fidelity and my moral code secure but not crossing any boundaries even if there is an attraction. My husband did not apply the same rules. It did not ‘just happen’ it was a set of choices and decisions that he with personal agency took. At the heart of it was a deep rooted selfishness and entitlement which he now addresses daily.

Until this happened to me, I genuinely believed that affairs happened to other people. My husband and I had all the reassuring conversations around infidelity that some of you are bringing up here. We would talk about situations we knew of and laugh at how we would never have the time for that OR that it all seemed like too much hard work. My husband had no history of cheating. In fact if you’d looked at our histories and personalities I was the one far more ‘likely’ to cheat, but when I married I genuinely made a committed to him end to myself. I had strong boundaries and valued what I had greatly.

He had believed he had all this too but his boundaries were weaker. He was also struggling with his mental health, a death within our extended family and some other personal demons, none of which had anything to do with our marriage.

I don’t believe everyone has the propensity to cheat but I do believe that it’s more complex than good and bad people.

Original poster
toooldforthisshite · 13/05/2023 09:40

@FirstTimeNameChanger on the contrary, it’s opened up an interesting debate.

OP posts:
Thighlengthboots · 13/05/2023 09:50

Most of the time it is not a ‘decision’ to have an affair but chemistry - the same stuff that makes a person fall for their OH in the first place!

Nah, thats absolving people of responsibility. Its the cliched "I'm so sorry but we just cant help it- this is bigger than the both of us" crap.

If I had shagged every man outside of my marriage that I had unexpected chemistry with, I'd have been unfaithful at least 4-5 times now over the years. I agree that chemistry is out of your control but the choice to take action on that absolutely IS within your control. Its like being on a diet and someone buys you a cake. The temptation has been put in front of you but the choice to eat it is still within your control. I have met men that Ive been intensely attracted to and if I'd have been single I would have banged their brains out but I wasnt single, so I didnt.

nowinhouse · 13/05/2023 09:52

PaintedEgg · 12/05/2023 08:30

Here is my take - why think about it unless you have a reason to?

I get that someone who has just been cheated on probably wants to think that everyone else is in the same boat and it's not just them.

But just because everyone could do it, does not mean everyone will, and getting paranoid and upset about something that may have not happened and may never happened is a bit silly

I also agree with this. Despite falling on the wrong side of it. Life was nicer when this wasn't my reality.

Sittwritt · 13/05/2023 10:40

Thighlengthboots · 13/05/2023 09:50

Most of the time it is not a ‘decision’ to have an affair but chemistry - the same stuff that makes a person fall for their OH in the first place!

Nah, thats absolving people of responsibility. Its the cliched "I'm so sorry but we just cant help it- this is bigger than the both of us" crap.

If I had shagged every man outside of my marriage that I had unexpected chemistry with, I'd have been unfaithful at least 4-5 times now over the years. I agree that chemistry is out of your control but the choice to take action on that absolutely IS within your control. Its like being on a diet and someone buys you a cake. The temptation has been put in front of you but the choice to eat it is still within your control. I have met men that Ive been intensely attracted to and if I'd have been single I would have banged their brains out but I wasnt single, so I didnt.

Amen to this, it’s a calculated decision because there is something in it for you.