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Original poster

If you think your partner doesn’t have time for an affair, think again

883 replies

toooldforthisshite · 11/05/2023 18:44

They will find a way. Even the most seemingly gentle, respectable guy, you know, the one who everyone says ‘he would never’. They do.
They will invite their side bit to their work during work hours if necessary to avoid having to make excuses as to why they are late home. They will wait for you to fall asleep then start chatting to her. They will delete every message they receive or send.

OP posts:
BigFatLiar · 12/05/2023 16:59

Booklover40 · 12/05/2023 16:50

This.

As far as I know dh hasn’t and he is very private/a family man so I would find it hard to imagine him taking the risk. But id never trust him 100%. Men do often think with their penises and if the opportunity arose and he thought he could get away with it….I dunno.

Show quote history

I don't think I'd want to stay with my other half if I didn't trust him. I'd be incredibly hurt if he told me he didn't trust me.

But id never trust him 100%
Does he know you don't trust him?

reesewithoutaspoon · 12/05/2023 17:02

I had to attend conferences in my old job. I was shocked at how much room hopping and one night stands went on, from colleagues who I thought had really strong relationships. It was like what happened at conference stayed at conference, it was strange to see them walking out of the hotel like it was no big deal and other colleagues barely raising an eyebrow to it. I was young and naive. Now I wouldn't trust anyone, if the opportunity is there and they think they can get away with it I believe most would.

BSB30 · 12/05/2023 17:03

@BigFatLiar I couldn't be with someone I didn't trust either. I trust that my husband would not cheat but if it were to happen then he would be throwing a very good relationship down the drain.

I'm not going to plan for it though. Why even bother getting married if you're going to plan what to do if your partner cheats? Already starting out without trust there.

sussexman · 12/05/2023 17:17

@Thelaughingtonepoliceman

What I understood from the initial post is that they are saying that if the right combination of circumstances is present anyone has the potential to cheat.

I didn't understand it that way at all. I understood it as "all men will cheat" from

"They will find a way. Even the most seemingly gentle, respectable guy, you know, the one who everyone says ‘he would never’. They do."

Now this does appear to come from a place of deep hurt, and I certainly don't want to add to any, but I do find that quite offensive as I'm sure would many of the girls on here if it had been phrased "They will find a way. Even the most seemingly gentle, respectable girl, you know, the one who everyone says ‘she would never’. They do." I'd be a fool to say that unfaithfulness isn't common of course, but it really isn't universal.

Thelaughingtonepoliceman · 12/05/2023 17:25

@BSB30

I'm not going to plan for it though. Why even bother getting married if you're going to plan what to do if your partner cheats? Already starting out without trust there.

Because getting married as a lifeplan in itself is incredibly risky.

Of course you have trust when you get married. Or you should do. But assuming that being married will deliver all your financial and emotional security for a lifetime is idiotic.

Like anything else in life, you hope for the best but prepare for the worst and have a Plan B.

Harrypewter · 12/05/2023 17:26

Thelaughingtonepoliceman · 12/05/2023 16:58

@BigFatLiar

But what they're saying is no matter how strong your relationship is you or your partner will cheat given the right circumstances. You can put your trust in your partner and he can put his trust in you, doesn't matter you willcheat when the opportunity presents. Personally I don't believe it but most people here have no real confidence in their partner.

What I understood from the initial post is that they are saying that if the right combination of circumstances is present anyone has the potential to cheat. Which I think is true. It may be very unlikely for most people, it may be a "Black Swan" moment but it is potentially possible for anyone.

A lot of people have tipped up to say they can guarantee they wouldn't cheat because its "not in their morals" or some such. And maybe they wouldn't. But in most of these cases this hasn't really been tested and they therefore can't really know. All they can know is that given their present perspective and the present circumstances they feel pretty confident that they wouldn't cheat. Anything can happen in the future.

I think the broader point some of us are trying to make is that it's impossible to second guess what will happen to a relationship at a given point in the future and under a set of circumstances which you can't possibly foresee.

But that admitting your lack of visibility and lack of control actually makes you more insightful and ultimately makes your relationship stronger than banging on about how certain you are. Blind certainty is rarely a good strategy for anything in life.

I believe those that say they wouldn't cheat.
I've had plenty if not over a dozen opportunities to either have a fling or have an ongoing affair.
I've always said no or headed it off before feelings took hold. However, I do agree it's not possible to know whether one's partner would cheat. No one can speak for the other party.

BSB30 · 12/05/2023 17:28

@Thelaughingtonepoliceman I don't think like that, there's no point in my opinion.

I don't believe he would cheat for many reasons but if it were to happen, he would be moving out. Nothing else would really change.

80s · 12/05/2023 17:28

Pft, there are going to be some people who don't have an affair. I've not had one in my 53 years, despite having the chance - not because I'm sitting on some high moral ground but because it doesn't appeal to me in the slightest.

My exh seemed almost to want me to work it out, he was such a dick during the affair that broke us up. But when I finally gave in and snooped, I found he'd been up to similar stuff without my realising for the previous 3 years. They were not as intensive relationships, so easier to fit in. And he was working away more at the time. But even so, retrospectively - once I knew what even the little signs were - it all made sense and I remembered several things I'd found odd at the time but not been able to place. They can hide it well, though, I agree.

Exh was a Mr Nice Guy, do-no-wrong type - i.e. not really that nice a guy but very focused on that image. I think they can be more dickish about it all. Am now with a dp who does not claim to be a nice guy at all. I can imagine him getting up to something behind my back if he fancied, but I think he'd be a bit kinder about it! After my exh it feels like it wasn't the affair that hurt most, but more the nasty way he treated me and the kids during that time.

Thighlengthboots · 12/05/2023 17:30

But in most of these cases this hasn't really been tested and they therefore can't really know

Lots of people in this thread have said they had the opportunity to cheat but didnt. I have had the opportunity myself. Ive had offers from very attractive work colleagues when away on work conferences but I didnt cheat so its not really accurate to suggest the only thing preventing some people is a lack of offers. As a woman, its not as if there is a lack of available sex should you want it lol

Thelaughingtonepoliceman · 12/05/2023 17:30

@sussexman

Yeah possibly. I think part of the problem with the whole thread (as often happens) is that the viewpoints on both sides have become a bit polarised and shrill.

I think its absurd to pretend that every married person is a pre-programmed cheat waiting to be activated. Of course they're not. I think some people were suggesting that it was easier than many of us suspected and others took this to slightly cynical extremes and suggested it was the default.

But as is always the case with these threads a lot of people have posted to say they are 100% certain they will never cheat and nor will their spouse. Which is idiotic for the reasons described above.

If there's one takeaway for me it's that relationships are by their nature mercurial and unpredictable. We should trust our spouses and partners, because without trust there isn't much else. But assuming that we have total visibility and control over them is setting yourself up for failure.

Asuitcase · 12/05/2023 17:38

There really is not point in worrying about it, it's a bit like childbirth, those who have gone though it tend to keep it to to themselves, about the actual pain and the chance of it happening to others.

No reason to be suspicious as this can actually hinder your otherwise trusting safe relationship, pay no mind would be my advice.

I don't believe everyone would cheat, they could, but no, I believe there are people, male and female who would not, even if all the combinations of 'what if' factors were there.
Mine was unfaithful so I understand being jaded and it sounds like you're in the stage of well if it could happen to me it could happen to anyone but op you may get to the stage where you think well actually maybe some women and men are better at selecting life partners than others.

There are too many variables to be certain of anything either way but your post sounds a little cruel and triggering for many I should imagine.
Why you posted it would be something to work on.

,

LoonyLois · 12/05/2023 17:38

I had an affair when I was married, and I am now married to the person I had an affair with. He was in relationship at the time.

We were both in miserable controlling relationships, both with alcoholics. We knew each other through a mutual hobby and it happened over a period of a few months. When we realised how we felt about each other we ended our relationships and got together.

It’s been 7 years now, and I haven’t even glanced at another guy. When I was married first time around I had crushes galore and thought nothing of eyeing up guys. Now, it doesn’t appeal to me as I am happy.

So I agree, right situation, right person, anyone could do it. If you don’t feel like that it’s because you’re not in the situation

emmylousings · 12/05/2023 17:43

I don't accept this. For starters what about people with low libido (we hear about a lot on here). Surely they're not going to bother?
I don't believe my DP has cheated in nearly 20 years because like me, he couldn't be arsed with the hassle, can't imagine getting naked or getting it on with anyone else (just a bit wierd) & wouldn't want the bad feeling afterwards. Plus, we are both the best shag for each other!
I do occasionally find someone else attractive, and I'm sure he does, but nothing happens for reasons above.
It's a stereotype OP. Sorry you've been hurt though. Better luck next time.

DarrellRiversCriminalBehaviourOrder · 12/05/2023 17:48

LoonyLois · 12/05/2023 17:38

I had an affair when I was married, and I am now married to the person I had an affair with. He was in relationship at the time.

We were both in miserable controlling relationships, both with alcoholics. We knew each other through a mutual hobby and it happened over a period of a few months. When we realised how we felt about each other we ended our relationships and got together.

It’s been 7 years now, and I haven’t even glanced at another guy. When I was married first time around I had crushes galore and thought nothing of eyeing up guys. Now, it doesn’t appeal to me as I am happy.

So I agree, right situation, right person, anyone could do it. If you don’t feel like that it’s because you’re not in the situation

Yes, I think a lot of people are assuming the situation is that they're in a happy relationship, or at least a relationship with a decent person. Obviously I know someone's going to pop up saying they were married to some villain and still never cheated, but I think if you're in a miserable, abusive relationship with an addict and someone comes along to make you feel love or happiness, most of us can conceive how it happens and wouldn't be absolutely certain that we wouldn't succumb.

80s · 12/05/2023 17:58

Yes, I think a lot of people are assuming the situation is that they're in a happy relationship, or at least a relationship with a decent person.
And others seem to be assuming that those who've never cheated have been in such relationships. Which is clearly not going to be the case.

5128gap · 12/05/2023 18:03

Thighlengthboots · 12/05/2023 17:30

But in most of these cases this hasn't really been tested and they therefore can't really know

Lots of people in this thread have said they had the opportunity to cheat but didnt. I have had the opportunity myself. Ive had offers from very attractive work colleagues when away on work conferences but I didnt cheat so its not really accurate to suggest the only thing preventing some people is a lack of offers. As a woman, its not as if there is a lack of available sex should you want it lol

The offer is only half of the equation though, isn't it? The other side of which is the level of incentive to avoid risk to the marriage. Its only when A is greater than B that an affair will result. And A and B are not necessarily constants.

perfectcolourfound · 12/05/2023 18:05

So you've had an affair then @toooldforthisshite

Because if you have, then you shouldn't be so bitter if someone's done the same to you. And if you haven't you've proved your own theory wrong.

sussexman · 12/05/2023 18:07

Thelaughingtonepoliceman · 12/05/2023 17:30

@sussexman

Yeah possibly. I think part of the problem with the whole thread (as often happens) is that the viewpoints on both sides have become a bit polarised and shrill.

I think its absurd to pretend that every married person is a pre-programmed cheat waiting to be activated. Of course they're not. I think some people were suggesting that it was easier than many of us suspected and others took this to slightly cynical extremes and suggested it was the default.

But as is always the case with these threads a lot of people have posted to say they are 100% certain they will never cheat and nor will their spouse. Which is idiotic for the reasons described above.

If there's one takeaway for me it's that relationships are by their nature mercurial and unpredictable. We should trust our spouses and partners, because without trust there isn't much else. But assuming that we have total visibility and control over them is setting yourself up for failure.

Agree entirely with that. :)

mydogisthebest · 12/05/2023 18:18

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 12/05/2023 16:09

SapphireStar77 isn't the idiot. You've been offensive in several posts. Why do you need to do that if everything said on the thread is just nonsense to you?

Nobody's forcing you to accept or acknowledge points made and nobody here will genuinely care if/when it goes tits up for you. Carry on with those blinkers.

Show quote history

I don't think I have been offensive to anyone whereas some posters have told me that no way can I say I would never cheat which is totally wrong.

I know myself. I know my morals and my views on infidelity and cheaters and it is absolute nonsense for any poster to say I am likely to cheat.

It will certainly not go tits up for me - why would it? Married 43 years and very very happy. No children so our marriage was never messed up in that way. I am almost 70 and have never ever even for 1 second thought about cheating on my DH.

What blinkers exactly do you think I am wearing? For goodness sake, I know myself well enough to know I would never cheat.

I know SOME people cheat but lots do not and never would. Why can you not accept that?

mydogisthebest · 12/05/2023 18:22

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Thighlengthboots · 12/05/2023 19:04

5128gap · 12/05/2023 18:03

The offer is only half of the equation though, isn't it? The other side of which is the level of incentive to avoid risk to the marriage. Its only when A is greater than B that an affair will result. And A and B are not necessarily constants.

Show quote history

Thats my point. People have had the opportunity- lots of us have, its not exactly hard to get men to have sex with you but we have chosen not to. Therefore its not correct to say the only reason people havent cheated is due to a lack of opportunities to do so. This has been true for me even during periods when my marriage was a bit rocky too.

FinnysTail · 12/05/2023 19:13

porridgeisbae · 12/05/2023 14:48

The reason I wouldn't commit adultery if I were married is I don't want to hurt God or burn in hell. I think it's a pretty strong motivation.

My neighbour ran away with the vicar. Leaving behind his two children and her two children, plus two devastated spouses! Nobody thought either of them could of been capable of causing so much pain and heartache. Both appeared to be “devoted” to their spouses and children.

I don’t think any consideration was given to God.

25 years later they are still together and married.

Most of the people I have been friends with over the years are separated, divorced or remarried - including me.

Most would say they were “happily married” for the first 15/20 years. I thought everything was great in my marriage. I saw no red flags at all. After 16 years and 3 D.C. I found out my “DH” had been shagging one of my best friend for 2 years! I didn’t have a clue 😳

Keepithidden · 12/05/2023 19:19

Trust no one completely, not even yourselves!

Sittwritt · 12/05/2023 19:20

With you in this OP, it needed to be said. Here on MN there are two types of men. The cheaters and the non cheaters. That’s a myth. You have pointed out there is one type only, selfish. You are spot on. If there is a chance they will take it. However they will only sober up once they can see you slipping away and smiling at a future without then anyway. Hugely important to have a job career friends life kids and a partner, but not the latter without your support network.

BSB30 · 12/05/2023 19:24

Sittwritt · 12/05/2023 19:20

With you in this OP, it needed to be said. Here on MN there are two types of men. The cheaters and the non cheaters. That’s a myth. You have pointed out there is one type only, selfish. You are spot on. If there is a chance they will take it. However they will only sober up once they can see you slipping away and smiling at a future without then anyway. Hugely important to have a job career friends life kids and a partner, but not the latter without your support network.

Are you saying that all men are selfish?