If you think your partner doesn’t have time for an affair, think again

[toooldforthisshite]

They will find a way. Even the most seemingly gentle, respectable guy, you know, the one who everyone says ‘he would never’. They do.
They will invite their side bit to their work during work hours if necessary to avoid having to make excuses as to why they are late home. They will wait for you to fall asleep then start chatting to her. They will delete every message they receive or send.

The reason I wouldn't commit adultery if I were married is I don't want to hurt God or burn in hell. I think it's a pretty strong motivation.

my partner cheated on me while in training to be ordained, so while I'm sure religion is a strong motivator for some, even that can't be enough of a deterrent for others.

Are you writing from the perspective of an affair partner @toooldforthisshite or how would you know these things? I think someone who is in a relationship and who has been cheated on would only know of the things you mention after they have found out they have been cheated on.
I would say that once you've realised these things (e.g. he wasn't showing any of the normal signs of furtive behaviour such as keeping his phone locked with a secret code) then you begin to question what's real any more.
If you think you were living one life but you find out that there was this underlying other reality he was living, then it drives you a bit crazy and a bit cynical.
I agree 100% with your posts BTW @toooldforthisshite

My husband would never cheat on me. I would bet my life on it. If for some reason I am wrong, which I doubt, I will deal with it then. No point ruining our happy marriage and wonderful lifes together worrying about it.

I thought like you. For decades. That was why it was an incredible ground-shifting shock when I found out that he had.
I hadn't worried about it up until that point. I agree there's no point worrying about it, but worrying about it had never even entered my head, so absolutely sure I was. I'm not even a particularly arrogant or self-assured person, but I was 100% sure that he would never cheat on me.

@Starlia

I’ve always banged on about women not losing agency in their lives as partners/mothers; not giving up their careers, not seeing a man as a financial plan.

To all the people asking what are they supposed to do to prevent cheating.

This is it. There ain’t a thing you can do to prevent cheating. What you can do is never pin your financial future on the fidelity of your husband. You’re playing Russian Roulette. Never give your job up, for starters.

I guess it makes it easier for women to deal with their husbands cheating to rationalise it but saying "all men cheat" and that no marriage is safe. I am sorry this happened to you, I really am, but that doesn't mean it will happen to us all.

The cheating has nothing to do with the other party.
There's nothing anyone can do..
I think saying no can also be habitual.

Really sorry for all those who've been cheated on and just didn't see it happening.

We've been married 27 years and I'm sure it'd be obvious to me if DH cheated on me. He needs a security pass to work and works in a large office, so never on his own. If he works late, he looks drained and has always been there if I want to check what time to do tea for. He does go to the gym and sometimes I'm passing so give him a lift. He often invites me out with work colleagues/his friends - I don't always go as I think they need time with him alone, but I'd only have a drop a hint I wanted to go and he agrees. I have all his friends contact numbers, and we often message as get on well - sometimes I'll send them a jokey text asking if he's still sober, so he knows he could easily be caught out.

OP you seem to be writing in the heat of the moment as you sound so raw - I'm so sorry for what you've been through.

But do you know loads of women in real life who's partners have cheated? You allude to your's being a medical professional which, like the police, does have a cheating culture reputation.

You can't project your situation onto everyone though. My DH, who is in no way perfect, has always said that cheating on me would be one of the worst things he could do, as it's betraying his best friend, and he'd feel equally devastated if I did it. I believe him.

"We've been married 27 years and I'm sure it'd be obvious to me if DH cheated on me."

"My DH, who is in no way perfect, has always said that cheating on me would be one of the worst things he could do,"

I'm not saying this because I think or want your DHs to be cheating on you, but do you not think that many of the posters who've said they've been cheated on also thought, and fervently believed, those things? Do you think the posters who've been cheated on all had partners who said 'you know what, I think cheating on you would be fantastic', or who went around with big red As on their jackets?

I think many here are missing the point of the OP's post. OP is pointing out - rightly so - that you cannot be assured in taking things at face value. Nobody's immune from cheating or being cheated on. That isn't to say that everyone will cheat or be cheated on. But there's value in OP's post.

It might be one of those things that only actually makes sense if you've experienced it?

@SquaresandStarlings

My DH, who is in no way perfect, has always said that cheating on me would be one of the worst things he could do, as it's betraying his best friend, and he'd feel equally devastated if I did it. I believe him.

I'm really sorry if this sound unkind or patronising and very probably your husband isn't and never will cheat and I seriously hope he doesn't. But this is a frighteningly naive thing to say.

A cheat is hardly going to advertise that he is planning to take a lovely colleague for a dirty weekend when he's said he's going to his mums is he? Of course he would say that. It doesn't actually guarantee you anything.

None of this proves that he's not cheating (I'm not suggesting he is at all BTW, I'm just pointing out the error in your logical reasoning).
A person can be quite open in all areas of their life if they have an affair partner who is willing to play by rules. Contact is only when it is safe, via the use of a secret coded message for instance, using location trackers so that you only contact one another when they are at work for instance. Even passing by you could come face-to-face with such a willing AP and not even know it. It could be one of his gym buddies. They don't need to be alone for long periods. It is a fallacy that affair partners need time. They don't. They catch short, fleeting moments in passing - a quick kiss or cuddle, saving it up for perhaps a couple of times a year when they can meet up when he's staying away in a hotel on a business trip.
You can know all his friends, and message them, and some of them might even know his secret but they aren't ever going to tell you because they don't want to get involved.

I have to agree.
The most unseemingly of men can and some do .
My own did .
He absolutely adored me and had me on a pedestal until he wasn't number one anymore .
The shock !

He simply wasn't getting it at home.

Blame me or not , but two kids with sn and aman who had so much disrespect for me to Leave me essentially raise them on my own, run the home and work full time tends to give you the ick when the entitlement and expectation of and for sex is the only non lazy part of who who he is and was. Creep.

Trash took itself out....
so free and so happy now .... years in.

SapphireStar77 isn't the idiot. You've been offensive in several posts. Why do you need to do that if everything said on the thread is just nonsense to you?

Nobody's forcing you to accept or acknowledge points made and nobody here will genuinely care if/when it goes tits up for you. Carry on with those blinkers.

ucantmulchthis's post is really on the money. There are more affairs going on than anybody realises. It is not so easy (for men) to 'shut up shop' and start again because there's a financial hit and the loss of daily access to their children. Some men do, of course, but most will not throw away a comfortable, easy life for an affair and often their affair partner is similarly entangled.

An affair under those circumstances would need an affair partner who follows explicit rules and never deviates. Because the rules are followed, they are not caught and some affairs go on for years.

I also applaud this post. It's not about stating as a fact that your husband/wife will cheat but really setting the scene as to how it can happen.

From my own experience, when you have particular friendships that perhaps ought to be reined in, that's with hindsight because at the time, there is nothing to rein in. By the time there is, it's all too late.

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5128gap · Today 09:09

Far from being offensive, or an admission of dubious morals, I think that recognition that you can never say with certainty indicates a higher level of maturity and emotional intelligence than all the hard no's, and actually serves as a protective factor.
Until you're at the end of your life you have no way of knowing what events will occur, how you or your partner may change, who you'll meet, how you'll feel. The best any of us can say is I'm definitely not going to do that now, and to the best of my knowledge, given I don't have access to their private thoughts, neither would my partner.
To view yourself as completely immune to a behaviour/situation is actually quite risky as it can lead to a failure to recognise danger signs and moderate your behaviour. Many affairs develop from emotional affairs, which in turn develop from close friends, which have resulted for getting on just that bit better with the hilarious supportive person at work who brings a bit of spark into the humdrum. People who understand human fallibility are more likely to see where that can end than those who insist that these things are risk free, because I trust them/ we'd NEVER cheat.

So are we agreeing that we all will cheat given the right circumstances and our partners shouldn't trust us?

I feel like people either aren't reading or aren't properly comprehending on this thread. It seems to be going around in circles.

No one is saying there shouldn't be trust in relationships. Some of us are saying that blind faith and false certainties in relationships are foolish. And that relationships are actually stronger if people are aware of their fallibilities and don't take one another for granted.

#LyingWitchInTheWardrobe - thank you! I always find it crazy when people don’t agree with someone and instead of listening to the other side of the debate just start being really nasty and personal - not nice! Yes lots of blinkers from this person!

@Spookysnake

"All men, and all women, will cheat given the right combination of circumstances."

Disagree. I never have. Never will. It goes against all my morals, everything I am. I never ever word. I know so.

This.

As far as I know dh hasn’t and he is very private/a family man so I would find it hard to imagine him taking the risk. But id never trust him 100%. Men do often think with their penises and if the opportunity arose and he thought he could get away with it….I dunno.

But what they're saying is no matter how strong your relationship is you or your partner will cheat given the right circumstances. You can put your trust in your partner and he can put his trust in you, doesn't matter you will cheat when the opportunity presents. Personally I don't believe it but most people here have no real confidence in their partner.

@BigFatLiar

But what they're saying is no matter how strong your relationship is you or your partner will cheat given the right circumstances. You can put your trust in your partner and he can put his trust in you, doesn't matter you willcheat when the opportunity presents. Personally I don't believe it but most people here have no real confidence in their partner.

What I understood from the initial post is that they are saying that if the right combination of circumstances is present anyone has the potential to cheat. Which I think is true. It may be very unlikely for most people, it may be a "Black Swan" moment but it is potentially possible for anyone.

A lot of people have tipped up to say they can guarantee they wouldn't cheat because its "not in their morals" or some such. And maybe they wouldn't. But in most of these cases this hasn't really been tested and they therefore can't really know. All they can know is that given their present perspective and the present circumstances they feel pretty confident that they wouldn't cheat. Anything can happen in the future.

I think the broader point some of us are trying to make is that it's impossible to second guess what will happen to a relationship at a given point in the future and under a set of circumstances which you can't possibly foresee.

But that admitting your lack of visibility and lack of control actually makes you more insightful and ultimately makes your relationship stronger than banging on about how certain you are. Blind certainty is rarely a good strategy for anything in life.