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Original poster

If you think your partner doesn’t have time for an affair, think again

883 replies

toooldforthisshite · 11/05/2023 18:44

They will find a way. Even the most seemingly gentle, respectable guy, you know, the one who everyone says ‘he would never’. They do.
They will invite their side bit to their work during work hours if necessary to avoid having to make excuses as to why they are late home. They will wait for you to fall asleep then start chatting to her. They will delete every message they receive or send.

OP posts:
DarrellRiversCriminalBehaviourOrder · 12/05/2023 10:59

So the reason I'm as certain as I can be that I wouldn't cheat is because I do guard against it and keep questioning myself, because I've seen how common cheating is.

How circular.

Thinkbiglittleone · 12/05/2023 10:59

I think most people are capable of almost anything given different situations and depending on life circumstances, but you also should never live your life waiting for this to happen, as it might not bad you will have wasted your life being suspicious and any anxious.
If the worst does happen, most people cope and move on, so why destroy your own life on a maybe.

Kablea · 12/05/2023 11:01

But what’s the alternative? Constantly being on guard thinking your partner will cheat? Doesn’t really sound much of a life to me.

BadNomad · 12/05/2023 11:02

@WisherWood Exactly. I'm one of the people who makes sure they don't get into a situation where feelings for someone else could develop. I have strong beliefs on what is appropriate and what isn't appropriate for me while in a relationship. I don't allow myself to get into that position. Therefore, the temptation/opportunity to cheat won't be there. I also make sure I don't become trapped in a relationship so I will always have the freedom to be able to leave if it stops working for me. So, again, the need/want to cheat won't be there. There is zero need for me to cheat now or in the future.

BadNomad · 12/05/2023 11:05

It's not about thinking you're better than anyone else. It's about being self-aware and taking responsibility for yourself. People who end up cheating have allowed themselves to get to that point.

Opentooffers · 12/05/2023 11:06

So, if everything was normal and perfect and no signs whatsoever OP, how did you find out? Did he just come clean one day, or did a work colleague/ OW inform on him?
Also, presumably after said work hour liason, a shower would be required at some point, otherwise there would be signs, unless there already seems to be an established pattern of having a shower as soon as home from work.
Sometimes the signs are more subtle depending on how devious or how badly the status quo it is wished to maintain I guess.

electricmoccasins · 12/05/2023 11:07

5128gap · 12/05/2023 09:09

Far from being offensive, or an admission of dubious morals, I think that recognition that you can never say with certainty indicates a higher level of maturity and emotional intelligence than all the hard no's, and actually serves as a protective factor.
Until you're at the end of your life you have no way of knowing what events will occur, how you or your partner may change, who you'll meet, how you'll feel. The best any of us can say is I'm definitely not going to do that now, and to the best of my knowledge, given I don't have access to their private thoughts, neither would my partner.
To view yourself as completely immune to a behaviour/situation is actually quite risky as it can lead to a failure to recognise danger signs and moderate your behaviour. Many affairs develop from emotional affairs, which in turn develop from close friends, which have resulted for getting on just that bit better with the hilarious supportive person at work who brings a bit of spark into the humdrum. People who understand human fallibility are more likely to see where that can end than those who insist that these things are risk free, because I trust them/ we'd NEVER cheat.

Brilliant answer

Starlia · 12/05/2023 11:13

Kablea · 12/05/2023 11:01

But what’s the alternative? Constantly being on guard thinking your partner will cheat? Doesn’t really sound much of a life to me.

No, that’s not an alternative because you can’t control your partner.
I think you trust your partner until you can’t. What else can you do? Be smart about red flags, but they’re not always there either.
I’ve always banged on about women not losing agency in their lives as partners/mothers; not giving up their careers, not seeing a man as a financial plan, being involved in all the major decisions (especially about money).
That’s all you can do - make sure you have options available should the worst happen. And to know your worth and your minimum standards of behaviour that you’re willing accept.
My mind frame is that shit could happen at any time - there could be an accident, a job loss, a sickness, the breakdown of a relationship. So I’ll enjoy what I have for as long as I have it.

mydogisthebest · 12/05/2023 11:13

5128gap · 12/05/2023 09:09

Far from being offensive, or an admission of dubious morals, I think that recognition that you can never say with certainty indicates a higher level of maturity and emotional intelligence than all the hard no's, and actually serves as a protective factor.
Until you're at the end of your life you have no way of knowing what events will occur, how you or your partner may change, who you'll meet, how you'll feel. The best any of us can say is I'm definitely not going to do that now, and to the best of my knowledge, given I don't have access to their private thoughts, neither would my partner.
To view yourself as completely immune to a behaviour/situation is actually quite risky as it can lead to a failure to recognise danger signs and moderate your behaviour. Many affairs develop from emotional affairs, which in turn develop from close friends, which have resulted for getting on just that bit better with the hilarious supportive person at work who brings a bit of spark into the humdrum. People who understand human fallibility are more likely to see where that can end than those who insist that these things are risk free, because I trust them/ we'd NEVER cheat.

But some people can say for sure they know they would never cheat.

I have very very strong moral values. I believe cheating is utterly wrong. I have never and would never let myself get into a situation where even an emotional affair could happen.

I agree with another poster about how respect is so important in a relationship. I love my husband but, of course, he annoys me at times. I have never hated him but I have been extremely annoyed by him at times. I have never lost respect for him though. I would never cheat, I would never want to cheat but also I could never cheat on someone I respect and love. That is just such an awful thing to do.

As I said before, I can't even tell a small white lie to my DH. I just can't. Sounds silly but I lied once about how much I paid for something and then was wracked with guilt and had to tell him the truth.

Harrypewter · 12/05/2023 11:14

BadNomad · 12/05/2023 08:14

It's part of their personality at this point. People like that aren't suddenly going to be faithful. Faithfulness/monogamy just isn't important to them. They are in relationships for other reasons.

Show quote history

Yes you're correct.

5128gap · 12/05/2023 11:17

Kablea · 12/05/2023 11:01

But what’s the alternative? Constantly being on guard thinking your partner will cheat? Doesn’t really sound much of a life to me.

I'm not sure the takeaway from the discussion is that we should all be doing a magical something to prevent ourselves being cheated on.
I think its more an acceptance that the world isn't divided into those who would and those who wouldn't, and a rejection of the idea that some of us are more astute than others in choosing one of the definetely wouldn'ts.
I think that's the undercurrent of a lot of the 'not my Nigel' posts. You might have chosen one you can't trust, but not me!
The othering of people who are effected by affairs is not a particularly helpful position to hold, because in the event you're proved wrong, there's a lot of embarrassment and shame to add to the misery, which can lead to turning a blind eye, not seeking support and keeping up appearances.

MayThe4th · 12/05/2023 11:21

I do think that everyone is capable of having an affair. That doesn’t mean everyone will and it also doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t trust our partners, but everyone is capable.

But there’s a difference between saying that, and essentially calling people who trust their partners stupid, deluded, naive, sneering at them in the way that the OP and others on this thread have done.

And tbh when people are that sneering and horrible it makes me wonder what their relationships were like and whether the situation in those relationships led to the affair in the first place.

Because while there are absolutely some people who will cheat purely for sex and because they can, affairs are rarely black and white, and there are almost always issues which lead to them happening, even if the affair isn’t justifiable.

But an affair essentially wipes out all wrongdoing on the other side. You could be as abusive you like to your partner, but as soon as he has an affair the end of the relationship is 100% on him.

And let’s be honest here, it’s not deemed acceptable to leave a relationship. How often do people come here saying their partner has left, and the same posters who are sneering at the trusting right now will tell the OP in no uncertain terms that there is an OW and not to be so stupid as to believe there isn’t.

So even if a man leaves because the relationship is unhappy, he’s already being painted as an adulterer even if he isn’t.

swayingpalmtree · 12/05/2023 11:25

As I said before, I can't even tell a small white lie to my DH. I just can't. Sounds silly but I lied once about how much I paid for something and then was wracked with guilt and had to tell him the truth

I said similar earlier- I'm quite an anxious person at heart and an affair wouldnt be anything attractive to me purely because it would make me so damn anxious. Sneaking around behind someone's back is not exciting or thrilling to me, it would cause me huge anxiety and guilt. So, for me, its highly unlikely I would ever cheat because the negative effects on me would be huge and would really cause me to suffer, and why on earth would I do something that makes my life more difficult?

Ceebeegee · 12/05/2023 11:32

@Dontbelieveaword
The affair started prior to the shift change. I'm not sure how they managed it before the shift change, but they found time somewhere. They worked together, so I can only imagine breaks and lunchtimes were prime opportunities.
The shift change was a lateral move in the company , sold to me that there were more opportunities for progression in that area, so I didn't question it.
I didn't notice the wage difference. We had a shared bank account that we both transferred a set amount of money into to cover all the bills etc, with the remaining money being our own. The agreed amount was transferred to the shared bank account every month so I never questioned his income -v- actual hours he was working.

To me, he was a hard working DH who was home every night, didn't have time for an affair.

Thelaughingtonepoliceman · 12/05/2023 11:34

@MayThe4th

I do think that everyoneis capable of having an affair. That doesn’t mean everyone will and it also doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t trust our partners, but everyone is capable.

But there’s a difference between saying that, and essentially calling people who trust their partners stupid, deluded, naive, sneering at them in the way that the OP and others on this thread have done.

But I don't think that's what people are saying. I agree you have to trust your partner. There's no point being in a relationship, with all the stress and commitment that goes with that, if you don't trust them and going through life in a state of suspicion around the person who is supposed to love you most is absolutely toxic.

But that's different from blindly insisting that you can see inside your partner's head and you can provide a gold-plated guarantee that they will never stray in any circumstances AND furthermore than anyone who suggests that cheating happens is offending you and undermining your marriage. Which has been the tone of some of the posts on this thread.

I don't think it's stupid to trust your partner, far from it. I do think its pretty stupid to go around shouting to the rooftops that you are 100% certain your partner will never cheat on you.

BriarHare · 12/05/2023 12:14

I have a good friend whose husband cheated. The OP’s comments and others, really put me in mind of what she became in the aftermath. She was so hurt and bitter, she started the same narrative - all men will cheat if given the chance.

Misery loves company.

She’s happy and back to her rational self now.

nice2BeNice · 12/05/2023 12:15

Squareclock · 11/05/2023 20:01

No one's saying everyone will cheat, butneveryone is capable of it.

So in your stealing analogy, most people won't, most of the time, but anyone would given the right combination of desperation and belief that they won't be caught.

Show quote history

Agree

But, we still have our conscience to answer, surely?
Some people do have a high degree of ability to convince themselves that it was ok to, I suppose?

MysteriesOfTheOrganism · 12/05/2023 13:41

Isn't the key issue in the disagreements here a matter of the weight we assign to possibilities? It is possible that a plane might crash on my house, possible that there will be a zombie apocalypse or - well, any number of catastrophes. I accept this possibility but make no plans to deal with it, spend no time worrying about - because I don't want to live in constant anxiety. I'd rather enjoy life - and deal with problems if and when they arise. I'm sure my partner would never cheat on me. I guess it could happen - but I'm not going to destroy the relationship by treating her with suspicion and distrust. And if it does happen - well, I'll deal with it then.

BSB30 · 12/05/2023 13:44

MysteriesOfTheOrganism · 12/05/2023 13:41

Isn't the key issue in the disagreements here a matter of the weight we assign to possibilities? It is possible that a plane might crash on my house, possible that there will be a zombie apocalypse or - well, any number of catastrophes. I accept this possibility but make no plans to deal with it, spend no time worrying about - because I don't want to live in constant anxiety. I'd rather enjoy life - and deal with problems if and when they arise. I'm sure my partner would never cheat on me. I guess it could happen - but I'm not going to destroy the relationship by treating her with suspicion and distrust. And if it does happen - well, I'll deal with it then.

Completely agree with this. You can't go through life planning for 'what ifs' as it would drive you insane. You deal with it if it happens.

nice2BeNice · 12/05/2023 13:47

just out of interest, what do you all think about things like OnlyFans,
would you call those as cheating too?

BSB30 · 12/05/2023 13:50

nice2BeNice · 12/05/2023 13:47

just out of interest, what do you all think about things like OnlyFans,
would you call those as cheating too?

I've heard of this but don't know what it is.

SorryButThatsAFact · 12/05/2023 13:58

nice2BeNice · 12/05/2023 13:47

just out of interest, what do you all think about things like OnlyFans,
would you call those as cheating too?

Respectfully, I think the minefield of what is and is not considered cheating is perhaps a separate thread.

nice2BeNice · 12/05/2023 14:18

LiliLil · 11/05/2023 21:03

I completely agree.

I choose to trust my partner, maybe one day he’ll break that trust, maybe he won’t. I won’t spend my life worrying about it, I am just aware that it’s a possibility and if it happened or we split up for another reason I’d be fine.

Show quote history

@LiliLil Such a positive take on this whole thread

We get so invested in a monogamous marriage as the (almost) defining aspect of our life and identity. If we can build our own selves that much more robustly to tell ourselves that

"...if we split up... I'd be fine..."

that takes the whole discussion into a different space

Thelaughingtonepoliceman · 12/05/2023 14:22

"...if we split up... I'd be fine..."

That's probably all you really need to take away from this thread.

Cheating, splitting up and divorce are all horrendous. But we'll survive them (and go on to thrive) if we have to.

porridgeisbae · 12/05/2023 14:46

Agree with PP's.

I love him but I don't need him

is the best way to be in a relationship.