If you think your partner doesn’t have time for an affair, think again

[toooldforthisshite]

They will find a way. Even the most seemingly gentle, respectable guy, you know, the one who everyone says ‘he would never’. They do.
They will invite their side bit to their work during work hours if necessary to avoid having to make excuses as to why they are late home. They will wait for you to fall asleep then start chatting to her. They will delete every message they receive or send.

Laughing policeman

there are enormous benefits to your children/grandchildren socially, emotionally and economically if you manage to stay together

There needs to be a degree of compromise from yourself and your husband/wife as after twenty years of course it would be super to jump ship!!

Its a sad thread. The implication is that we're all cheaters (potentially). If you've already accepted that you're likely to cheat you're halfway to excusing yourself.

I may be nieve but I still like to believe most people are good. I may feel like murdering the unruly teenagers on the bus but I have enough self control not to. People do have a choice it's just that some people make the wrong choices.

We're all capable of most things but I'll go on believing that any womzn who talks to my OH isn't trying to lead him into an affair.

Exactly what I am trying to say (but you worded it much better!) It’s not just about sex and meeting a stranger in a bar

Ouch! I’m so sorry - I think I hit a nerve there..

But this doesn't mean that lifelong monogamy should be everyone's goal

Of course its not everyone's goal, but you do owe your partner honesty and a conversation if you went into it promising monogamy and then changed the goal posts. If you suddenly find monogamy is not for you then at least tell your partner your feelings and that you have changed your mind. That way, they can make an informed decision whether they wish to continue the relationship or not. That's far more honest and respectful than just cheating and lying behind their back.

Personally, I prefer monogamy, it just suits my personality. I dont even like to share my favourite pen, let alone a partner 😂

You really are a sad idiot. Get a life

Why am I a sad idiot??!

I disagree. There are certainly enormous benefits to your children and grandchildren (and to yourselves) of having you remain cordial, cooperative and able to manage social harmony.

But I don't think toughing things out through gritted teeth with someone you basically no longer respect or like is good for children. Modelling to children that their parents basically can't stand one another poisons family life and signals that it's their responsibility to martyr themselves on the altar of "staying together for the kids".

I left my husband when my daughter was four because he was verbally abusive and an alcoholic. My life with him was an absolute misery. Nearly ten years on, I'm very happy he's sorted himself out, we are friends and coparent amicably and my daughter sees a happy and collaborative relationship. If we'd remained together we would have destroyed one another because we were so manifestly incompatible.

It's always better to separate respectfully and amicably than to stay together for the kids.

Of course cheating makes this scenario far harder because the trust has usually totally evaporated. It's a very bad idea.

But I think our dogged insistence that people who fancied each other at 22 need to remain together for 50 years just because makes it much more likely that people will cheat. It's unrealistic and inhumane.

I think the op is clearly in a lot of pain and has lost perspective- pointless to argue or discuss

Not all men cheat
Not all women cheat

Unfortunately the op is directing her pain and anger outwards- while not pretty or nice is something she has lost the ability to control.

I think to be honest OP I would focus on your recovery and the processing of the relationship rather than trying to wind up strangers on the internet

In fact, I actually think respect in a relationship is more important than love in some ways. Love ebbs and flows and there are days when I adore my husband and days when he irritates the living heck out of me. Its unrealistic to enter any long term relationship thinking you'll be floating round in a cloud of romantic love 24/7. But if you respect someone, generally, you'll treat them as such and if that means being honest that you arent happy in the relationship any more, you'll have the respect to be honest with them about it and either work on it together, or move on and allow them to find someone else too.

@bjjgirl just how am I winding people up on the internet.
Much of what I have written has been misread, assumptions made and people reading what they want to believe rather than what I’m actually saying.
if you feel I am winding people up that’s on you.
A lot of you are winding yourselves up.

So good it needs saying twice.

Start the fuck about again I rather be single.

@Thighlengthboots

Of course its not everyone's goal, but you do owe your partner honesty and a conversation if you went into it promising monogamy and then changed the goal posts. If you suddenly find monogamy is not for you then at least tell your partner your feelings and that you have changed your mind. That way, they can make an informed decision whether they wish to continue the relationship or not. That's far more honest and respectful than just cheating and lying behind their back.

That's true, of course. Cheating is incredibly destructive to all concerned. There's no moral justification for it whatsoever.

But it is bizarre, given that so many people do cheat, that so many posters are so triggered by having to face just the theoretical possibility that cheating could occur in marriages.

But it is bizarre, given that so many people do cheat, that so many posters are so triggered by having to face just the theoretical possibility that cheating could occur in marriages.

I don't think it's that. It's more that by saying "anyone could cheat in the right circumstances" also means "you might cheat in the right circumstances" and that is annoying people because a lot of people actually do know themselves well enough to know their own morals and boundaries would not allow that to happen.

I actually feel very uneasy with people who say they're as likely to cheat as they are to commit murder, essentially equating the two. I don't feel that that's a sign of high morality. It's just really stunted, black and white thinking that, as @5128gap says, actually makes it harder for someone to understand how these things happen and therefore guard against them.

The ridiculous idea that there's a "type" who cheats and it's easy to spot is exactly why so many people get so blindsided. What? People who are poor, ugly, boring, quiet, socially awkward, outwardly devoted to their families, dress badly or can't dance could still have an opportunity and succumb to it? Holy smokes!

@BadNomad

I don't think it's that. It's more that by saying "anyone could cheat in the right circumstances" also means "you might cheat in the right circumstances" and thatis annoying people because a lot of people actually do know themselves well enough to know their own morals and boundaries would not allow that to happen.

I recommend you read @5128gap's post:

Of course it's annoying and uncomfortable to confront the possibility that you or your spouse may be fallible. No one likes being faced with their own shortcomings or those of their spouse. Or the potential threat to their domestic stability.

But life can be uncomfortable. And the best way to safeguard yourself against this isn't to metaphorically stick your fingers in your ears and say "la la la, can't hear you". It's to admit to yourself that you and your spouse are human, and that trust is what keeps you focused on your relationship, while also allowing yourself to recognise that that trust is also fragile and fallible.

In no other area of your life would you say "can't happen to me, no Sir". No one would blithely insist that they will NEVER get cancer or NEVER do something stupid at work which will lead to their dismissal. It's not possible to have that level of certainty over any area of human behaviour and it's idiotic to pretend you can.

By insisting that you have this level of control over your life you're actually denying yourself the self-knowledge you need to recognise your own emotional needs, boundaries and limits, to recognise that another person is independent and autonomous of you and to take basic precautions to safeguard yourself. It's just not a good way to conduct life.

Admit to yourself that you and your loved ones are fallible and you have a much better chance of managing any curveballs that do come your way than shouting about how you would never cheat.

Hmm. I do think there are a lot of people that would cheat, and some unexpectedly so. But I don’t think I ever will. Honestly I would sooner break up than cheat. One partner is more than enough for me😂😂😂 and I’m not really exciting enough for an affair anyway. It’s not that I don’t notice other people are attractive or have lovely personalities to go along with appearances it just wouldn’t be for me to cheat. The guilt wouldn’t be worth it. And for that alone, unless I am literally the only person in the world like that, I don’t think it stands that everyone would cheat in the right circumstances.

I’m not really exciting enough for an affair anyway.

This is exactly the sort of thing I mean. The idea that only "exciting" people have affairs. Boring farts do it too! In fact, I expect a lot of them do it so that they feel like they're not boring farts.

Just because some people don't believe they have total control over their behaviour, doesn't mean everyone is the same way. You can only speak for yourself. Many people cheat. And many people get into those same situations, and then not cheat. They may want to, but they choose not to. And many people make sure they are never in those types of situations. Cheating doesn't just happen.

People don’t have affairs because they are unhappy with what they have though…

@BadNomad

Many people cheat. And many people get into those same situations, and then not cheat. They may want to, but they choosenot to. And many people make sure they are never in those types of situations. Cheating doesn't just happen.

I don't disagree with you on this really: it's a choice, of course it it. And I'm certainly not justifying or excusing it or saying people cheat through no fault of their own

It's more the mindset I have a problem with and the absolute blind certainty. I just don't accept that it's either possible or sensible to go through life with blind faith in either yourself or your partner. Self-knowledge and awareness and sensitivity to others behaviour and needs are tools which we have developed for good evolutionary reasons and we should be very careful to assume that our own willpower alone will over-ride this in perpetuity.

It's a bit like religion: I'm not a person of faith but I assume a lot of people find it deeply comforting as a way to underpin their lives. But that doesn't mean it guarantees nothing bad will ever happen to you.

Far from being offensive, or an admission of dubious morals, I think that recognition that you can never say with certainty indicates a higher level of maturity and emotional intelligence than all the hard no's, and actually serves as a protective factor.
To view yourself as completely immune to a behaviour/situation is actually quite risky as it can lead to a failure to recognise danger signs and moderate your behaviour. Many affairs develop from emotional affairs, which in turn develop from close friends, which have resulted for getting on just that bit better with the hilarious supportive person at work who brings a bit of spark into the humdrum. People who understand human fallibility are more likely to see where that can end than those who insist that these things are risk free, because I trust them/ we'd NEVER cheat.

I think, as quite often happens on the internet, people are saying broadly similar things but coming at it from different directions and then disagreeing with each other. For me, part of having a moral code, with includes fidelity, is precisely that continual checking and being on guard. It's just being aware of my own reactions to things. Both my parents have either cheated on each other or tried to cheat but failed. When I was a teenager my next door neighbour left his wife for another woman with whom he'd been having an affair for years. There were cries of 'not Jim, he isn't the type!' And I remember as a teen thinking well, clearly he is the type, because he just did.

So the reason I'm as certain as I can be that I wouldn't cheat is because I do guard against it and keep questioning myself, because I've seen how common cheating is. I know that at the moment I feel revulsed by the idea of being intimate with anyone but my DP but I'm also aware that that might change in ten years time. And so I'll be on the lookout for signs of that. I don't mean it's at the forefront of my mind. It's just an ongoing thread running along, quietly.

I also think the idea of a type who cheats is a bit ridiculous. It's as if people have this cartoonish idea of a flirty, cheeky, outgoing type who is more likely to be unfaithful. The reality is that quiet, unassuming men like my dad or my neighbour can cheat given the opportunity, if they lack introspection or are too cowardly to end a relationship before starting another one. But again, that doesn't mean anyone can cheat. It just means people need to broaden their idea of who might.

@Thelaughingtonepoliceman except that actually many people act like that.

They act as if it’s extremely unlikely for them to get ill, that it’s nit going to happen to them. And that, even if they were, they’d be the type who does tte impossible (see also the good disabled/ill person who conquer everything). Whilst muttering ‘i don’t know how you do that/cope’ to people who face those issues. These are often also the people who stop seeing their friends/family when they get ill or disabled ‘because I don’t know how to answer or react to that’.

So yes I’d say that whether it’s an affair or being ill p, people are extremely good at thinking they are better than everyone else and this will not happen to them.

I completely agree with what @SorryButThatsAFact said.

People cheat for all sorts of reasons. Some have one night stands and some actually fall in love (and everything in between). My exH cheated on me 6 years ago with someone at work and he is still with her now. At the point of him leaving, they'd not actually had sex but they were on the verge (I know this because of the messages I found).

If I'm being totally honest, our relationship wasn't right for a long time and although he told tons of lies (which imo has caused more damage than his physical actions) he was clearly unhappy and hadn't been honest with me about his feelings. I was devastated at the time and it has changed my perception of men and relationships but, we are both better off where we are now than where we were back then.

I should add this is only with the benefit of hindsight - no way would I have said all this six years ago!

I think a cheater is a coward. Someone who's not prepared to face their problems head on and address them. Cheating affects everyone; family and friends. I would never do it as I couldn't live with the deceit.