If you think your partner doesn’t have time for an affair, think again

[toooldforthisshite]

They will find a way. Even the most seemingly gentle, respectable guy, you know, the one who everyone says ‘he would never’. They do.
They will invite their side bit to their work during work hours if necessary to avoid having to make excuses as to why they are late home. They will wait for you to fall asleep then start chatting to her. They will delete every message they receive or send.

Here is my take - why think about it unless you have a reason to?

Even as a recent victim, I agree with this. I'd rather have had my 25 years assuming my husband wasn't going to cheat than feeling constantly paranoid and on edge.

But, unfortunately, I've learnt the hard way that even 'my Nigel' could be tempted and strayed. While it takes two, I wonder if (particularly middle-aged) men are perhaps more susceptible to flattery than women?

But just because everyone could do it, does not mean everyone will, and getting paranoid and upset about something that may have not happened and may never happened is a bit silly

Exactly this. If I worried myself sick about everything that could potentially happen I'd be a nervous wreck. There are many awful things that have happened to people I personally know (my friend's child died for example, which was dreadfully sad) but you cannot spend your life in a constant state of anxiety about it- thats hardly a healthy way to live, is it?

If I see signs of an affair, I'll worry about it then, but until then, I'll enjoy life thanks.

mean its naieve to assume anything. Maybe the reason this topic illicits such anger and upset is because there's no protection against that kind of betrayal

I think this is insightful.

What an absolute load of shite.

My point is that no matter how much you love your partner sometimes these things happen, I’m not talking about a premeditated affair I’m talking about the fact that sometimes you just can’t help having feelings for people sometimes and the heart will rule the head!

Cheaters 101 is 'oh, I just couldn't help it'. Fact is, you can. It doesn't just happen. You have to allow time for feelings to build and, when those feelings start, make the decision to encourage them rather than walk away. You have to make a decision to spend time alone with that person in a setting where you can have sex.

I hate the thought of anyone other than my DP touching me. I was single for a very long time before I met him. I hate the thought of losing him. So I'd be very unlikely to be attracted to anyone else anyway - that part of me seems to have gone. And if I were, I'd walk away. Or just remind myself that attraction is usually fleeting and really not worth throwing away a great relationship for. And ultimately, if I really did fall for someone else, I'd end it with DP before I started something new. I'm in my 50s. I have enough life experience to know what I'm like and how I'd act.

My point is that there were zero signs of this to anyone. He seemed a good, genuine, decent guy. You just can’t tell who will cheat and who won’t.

Or they might not. Or a woman might well do the same.

This. Oppotunity is only part of it. When the relationship is strong and both partners equally invested then I believe most partners would never cheat. But a lack off effort on one sides part, the cracks of disconnection, or clear examples of a lack or love or care on one side are lethal. As are losing the relationship to the everyday stresses and strains.

Noone we knew ever believed I would cheat, least of all myself. I have always abhored cheaters and cheating and felt people who did were inherently bad.

Until I cheated.

I still can’t quite believe I was capable of it, I have spent years in therapy to uncover why and seeing the fallout of it, the hurt and devastation I caused by that one selfish moment honestly believe I could never ever do it again. But ANYONE can cheat. Even those of you who don’t believe it possible.

Maybe the reason this topic illicits such anger and upset is because there's no protection against that kind of betrayal

Exactly. There is no reason to tie yourself up in knots worrying about a theoretical betrayal which hasn't happened: that way madness lies. People are right to trust until there is credible reason not to.

But by the same token the level of bile and hysteria directed at people who are calmly discussing the fact that affairs are prevalent than most people realise is quite bizarre and very irrational. Someone upthread actually suggested this thread should be deleted which is pretty batshit.

There's a difference between saying "more men cheat than you realise" and saying "your husband is going to cheat on you". The first is unquestionably true, the second is impossible to predict.

The broader point is that while all relationships rely on trust, it's foolish to ever assume you know someone 100% and can guarantee that you will never be cheated on. Trust, but verify and plan. That's it really.

To you, yes. But noone knows what goes on in someone else's marriage. Narcs are particularly adept at painting a great social picture of themselves to others but being an absolute arse behind closed doors. Thats why people are often shocked when it turns out their friends are in domestic abuse situations because "he seemed SO nice" etc. My point was, this guy wasnt actually a decent guy who cheated in a moment of madness or temptation- its that he wasnt a good guy right from the start. He had a pattern of cheating on his partners and this will likely continue in future relationships.

My husband had a year long affair with a colleague and I never had an inkling and I’m usually very good at sussing things out. He still seemed so loving and dependable towards me. He also didn’t seem the type as he comes across as a shy, nerdy, social awkward, square kind of guy. They would book an hour off some days so they could go to a hotel and pay for a day room rate so they could have sex and he would come home at his usual time so I wouldn’t suspect. He would nip out for an hour at the weekend saying he was going somewhere like b&q or halfords but he would be meeting her for a walk or coffee. He would text her a lot in the evenings but pretend he was playing a game on his phone or he would wait until I was in the toilet or cooking etc to send his replies to her. He told me he was going for a jog and he had his running gear on to look legit but he was actually going to her house for sex

Bollox. I would never cheat. I’ve had it done to me and I’d never treat anyone like that. I honestly believe that cheating is the worst thing you can do to another person that won’t get you arrested if caught.

What exactly are the right circumstances anyway? Miserable relationship, very attractive person at work making it clear they were interested, and work trip away with said person? Cos yeah, had all that, and didn’t cheat, because I don’t have the same shit morals as some people obviously do.

Yes, anyone could, but it does not mean everyone would.

I think it is overly simplistic to say everyone would react the same way.

Never say never! Yes I agree it must be horrible to be so sad and disillusioned……

But, unfortunately, I've learnt the hard way that even 'my Nigel' could be tempted and strayed. While it takes two, I wonder if (particularly middle-aged) men are perhaps more susceptible to flattery than women?

My dad almost cheated on my mum. The only reason he didn't is because the other woman turned him down, and then told my mother what had happened. Fun times. He was middle aged at the time and going through a very bad patch, which I think is partly why it happened. On the outside, I think a lot of people would have thought he wasn't the type. Very shy, apparently good father, very devoted to my mother, so really wouldn't seem the type.

Except, I know there is a different narrative. He's incredibly self-centred. He's also not good at talking through his problems, so perhaps more likely to resort to cheating for a morale boost than actually work through his problems. So when people say 'oh he didn't seem like the type' about anyone, not just my dad, I just think they're not very good at judging who would cheat and why.

Far from being offensive, or an admission of dubious morals, I think that recognition that you can never say with certainty indicates a higher level of maturity and emotional intelligence than all the hard no's, and actually serves as a protective factor.
Until you're at the end of your life you have no way of knowing what events will occur, how you or your partner may change, who you'll meet, how you'll feel. The best any of us can say is I'm definitely not going to do that now, and to the best of my knowledge, given I don't have access to their private thoughts, neither would my partner.
To view yourself as completely immune to a behaviour/situation is actually quite risky as it can lead to a failure to recognise danger signs and moderate your behaviour. Many affairs develop from emotional affairs, which in turn develop from close friends, which have resulted for getting on just that bit better with the hilarious supportive person at work who brings a bit of spark into the humdrum. People who understand human fallibility are more likely to see where that can end than those who insist that these things are risk free, because I trust them/ we'd NEVER cheat.

OP - you are in shock and dealing with something difficult.
And you are right - it happens more than people imagine or know. But it doesn’t make it any easier to deal with.

But by the same token - and because it happens often - people get through it and survive. There is a lot of support - other people going through it, and different ways they deal with it. Have you found any that’s been helpful to you?
Sounds like - not yet. Hope you will.

I completely agree!

@5128gap

To view yourself as completely immune to a behaviour/situation is actually quite risky as it can lead to a failure to recognise danger signs and moderate your behaviour. Many affairs develop from emotional affairs, which in turn develop from close friends, which have resulted for getting on just that bit better with the hilarious supportive person at work who brings a bit of spark into the humdrum. People who understand human fallibility are more likely to see where that can end than those who insist that these things are risk free, because I trust them/ we'd NEVER cheat.

Brilliant post. People who assert that they KNOW they or their spouse would never cheat are sleepwalking into disaster.

Not because it’s a given that cheating will occur. But because anyone who claims that level of certainty over anything is failing in basic self knowledge and due diligence.

But don’t people (some at least, maybe not all, perhaps most don’t) like…. love their partners?
Want a life partner, to share and build a life with?

To be clear I’m a huge believer on everyone finding their own lifestyle, but I thought love (not sex / kids / co-dependency / social norms) was the reason why people want a relationship in the first place.
Is that no it / real?

I disagree.

Having been a couples counsellor (BACP accredited) for thirty-four years (right from the days of it being 'marriage guidance') I have to say my experience tells me that sex is RARELY the core reason any person cheats.

There are essentially two types of cheaters - opportunist and fulfilment. Opportunist cheaters actually make up the smaller percentage. And the number of people cheating with a complete random (while is does happen) is smaller still.

The majority of cheaters cheat with someone they've forged an emotional connection with. So while sex is an inevitable consequence, it's not usually the primary motivating factor.

I can and will say never thank you. I don't need your sad judgement or comments. I feel sorry for anyone with such low morals that they can't be sure they would not cheat. Feel sorry for your OH (if you have one)

The majority of cheaters cheat with someone they've forged an emotional connection with. So while sex is an inevitable consequence, it's not usually the primary motivating factor.

This was the case for my husband (hadn't apparently actually got as far as the final deed) but loved her (after 8 weeks...hmmmm). Actually I think that made it worse, I could have understood the shagging part without the emotion.

@YouAreNotBatman

To be clear I’m a huge believer on everyone finding their own lifestyle, but I thought love (not sex / kids / co-dependency / social norms) was the reason why people want a relationship in the first place.

I think it certainly is what drives most people into a relationship in the first place, yes. But the "love" that people experience with a new partner is not necessarily durable. It gets sorely tested by time, by temptation, by the arrival of children and the day to day stresses of cohabitation.

Many people are able to see past this and cherish their spouses in bad times and good but for many people a relationship built 20 years previously (and basically founded upon lust with a dash of idealism thrown in) outlives its usefulness. People change, they want different things out of life as they get older.

Remaining with someone who doesn't bring out the best in you because they made you happy two decades ago isn't necessarily a recipe for optimal happiness and there's no particular nobility or moral advantage in flogging a dead horse.

Of course when there are children involved, there's a responsibility not to discard something carelessly and to make any change with great sensitivity. But this doesn't mean that lifelong monogamy should be everyone's goal.

It does mean, in my view, that people should not mislead one another and should end a relationship before beginning a new one. But we all know that life sometimes makes this extremely difficult and painful and a lot of people cheat because they convince themselves they won't get caught.

I'm not defending this: it's extremely painful and destructive to be on the receiving end of this. But it's also intensely human and the moral outrage on display here about this is fairly childish.

Hardly a debate club answer there