If you think your partner doesn’t have time for an affair, think again

[toooldforthisshite]

They will find a way. Even the most seemingly gentle, respectable guy, you know, the one who everyone says ‘he would never’. They do.
They will invite their side bit to their work during work hours if necessary to avoid having to make excuses as to why they are late home. They will wait for you to fall asleep then start chatting to her. They will delete every message they receive or send.

What a horrible thread.

So basically all our husbands are cheating on us, we just don't realise it and we also would cheat on them if given the chance.

I find that hugely offensive.

I completely agree!

I’m not talking about sex - affairs are not just about sex!
It must be nice to be so blinkered by the world

Ha! That's way too much work. And I am not THAT interested in sex.
My DC might be a bit bewildered too at their old mum being a "playa".

I hear OP's pain and am sorry for her, but constantly thinking your partner may cheat is no way to live. Set up a running away fund, yes.

I can only add that my husband was one of the good ones. Fantastic father, kind and thoughtful and funny. He wasn’t really social so nights out were rare, he preferred just being with us. Everyone was convinced he was one of the lovely ones.

Until he cheated on me.

We were happily married at the time, I wouldn’t have been so utterly blindsided and devastated if we weren’t.

Am I bitter? No I wouldn’t wish what I went through in anyone. Do I believe it could happen to anyone? Actually I don’t BUT I do believe good people can move far from their moral compass given the right set of conditions for them.

My husband and I pulled through but on that path he had a breakdown as he tried to come to terms with what he did to those he loved (extended family as well) and trying to reconcile this new understanding of himself with who he truly believed he was. If you speak to reconciled couples this is not uncommon.

I think the OP points are very valid around us gaslighting ourselves.

The reasons people get into affairs are complex but underpinning it all is not ‘unhappy relationships’ (the excuse of the it’ll never happen to us because we’re ‘happy’ and affair partners) but a selfishness and entitlement that allows you to start to make that series of choices.

I know that my husbands affair has fundamentally shaped the way I view romantic relationships. I sometimes wonder whether that’s a positive or negative thing but most definitely my view is now pragmatic.

Taking cheating out of the equation, its about never really knowing a person under all circumstances until those circumstances come about. Like, women being SAHM after kids start school, with no independent income, assuming their husband would never leave them in the shit. Or that they don't need to get married because he'd never do that. Most on mumsnet would consider that a naieve view and in any thread where the woman has kids and isn't married it's one of the first things posters will counsel. Get married. Protect yourself. That doesn't mean, all men are like that, it does mean its naieve to assume anything. Maybe the reason this topic illicits such anger and upset is because there's no protection against that kind of betrayal.

I’m not ignorant or naive, I’m just not pessimistic. Not all men and women would cheat if the circumstances were right. I’m sorry for what has happened to you but there are still a fair amount of decent people in the world who would not be unfaithful. Ever.
I hope you find peace and again, I’m sorry for what you’ve been through.

I trust my husband. Of course, I cannot guarantee he will never have an affair as noone knows whats really going on in anyone else's mind and its true that people do impulsive, stupid things. We are all human. So no, I cannot say beyond a shadow of a doubt he would never cheat.

That said, so far, he has never given me any reason to not trust him so I will continue to trust him until I have a reason not to. What is the alternative?- basically never trusting anyone? I cannot absolutely guarantee that my best friend would never betray me, or steal from me etc but I also trust her too until I see a reason not to.

There is a balance to be found here whereby you listen to your gut and dont deny red flags when you see them but equally, you dont view every person as just biding their time to screw you over. The only alternative to not trusting anyone at all is to live as a hermit and rely solely on yourself. Thats not a life that would bring me joy or happiness at all so I will continue to trust people until they give me a reason not to. Is there a chance that by doing this I may get hurt at some point in the future?- yes, thats a chance I am willing to take. But, as I said, not trusting anyone would mean living a miserable, lonely existence where you dont allow anyone in and you end up isolated and bitter.

If I do get cheated on in the future, I would be very, very upset but I know I would survive and I would be damned if I would allow that to ruin the rest of my life as a result. I wouldnt allow a cheater to rob me of a future chance of happiness with someone else. Fck that.

I think technically, given the 'right' set of circumstances, anyone could. 'Could' being the operative word, note I didn't say 'would'.

You can't just apply this to men though. The same statement above applies to women.

I am sorry you went through this, but living your life with this perspective at the forefront will only make you bitter. I wouldn't be in a relationship if I was constantly thinking "what if?" - that is no way to live.

Absolutely no. Cheating to me is abhorrent. It is so against my moral code I am as likely to do it as carry out a murder or assault. Some people really do not cheat.

I don't really understand how people can't grasp the difference between concrete and abstract?

How can it be "offensive" to discuss in theoretical terms the idea that people find it easier to cheat than many people suspect?

The OP is basically talking about probability; she's saying you are sure your husband won't ever cheat but your estimate is probably conservative. It's a bit like saying: "your chance of having cancer may be higher than you think" or "you have a higher chance than you think of getting the head of department job at work". It's theoretical, not personal.

Why are people so hysterical and offended by this? The OP isn't saying "The Nigel at 33 Acadia Avenue is going to have an affair and leave his Mumsnetter wife." No one is talking about your specific husband. They are talking about husbands as a species.

I've no plans to do either, but if it's a question of probability, I expect I'm more likely to have consensual sex when I shouldn't than I am to kill a person.

I agree with you. I wouldn’t have always, but then I had friends who were an absolutely devoted couple. Loads in common, did loads together, he was very obviously besotted with her, really happy, heart warming couple. He was one of the gentle good guys. Turned out he’d had multiple long term affairs. He was seeing his last OW whilst my friend was undergoing chemo for stage 4 cancer. Meeting her in hotel rooms whilst my friend was actually in hospital receiving chemo. He obviously saw his partner being in hospital as an opportunity for a whole day with his OW. All the time accepting caring and support from all of us because of what he was going through, all of us admiring him for his steadfast support and love of his partner.

So after that I thought, if he can do it, the last person I would have suspected, and no one had any idea, anyone can.

In fact, he had long term affairs on his partner before her too.

Oh come on, almost all affairs ARE about sex and you know it. I would never ever have any sort of affair. I could not live with the guilt and I could never lie to my OH. I can't even lie about something small like how much I paid for an item of clothing

It must be horrible to be so sad and disillusioned.

In fact, he had long term affairs on his partner before her too

To me, that indicates a pattern of behaviour that is less about an unusual opportunity or circumstance which causes someone to cheat and more about his shitty character as a person. He’s clearly a serial cheater and will likely cheat on his next partner too. That’s about his basic core personality which isn’t very nice at its core.

I couldn't be arsed with having an affair. Who has the time and inclination for all that scurrying around.

People will often surprise you, a man I have known for a long time, but not that well has just left wife and two young children to go off with another woman. I was surprised

Affairs are prevalent, not sure whether that has worsened with time. There's a certain amount of narcissism that goes along with the fling or affair. It's a wholly selfish act. Lying and deception are the main sources of hurt. Trust is broken.
A friend of mine is a serial cheat, he says the chase, the lying is addictive.

My ex-girlfriend has cheated on everyone, she told me she wouldn't do it to me, but she did. It's done.
Move on.

Personally, I've never cheated.

Oh you're crazy to trust someone with a history of cheating. Once they've crossed that line, that line isn't important to them any more.

I think it's habitual. However, there may be a deeper pathological motivation. I'm not a psychologist. It was briefly touched upon by a counselor I saw last yr for a few sessions.
Joining the dots that's what she does, terminates by cheating, or monkey branches off to another. I know my friend isn't that bothered about the sex. He's on a sabbatical atm as his last fling ended up with a child.

Name change but in the same shoes.

I found out accidentally on the plane when we were about to take off on holiday. Sadly we were sat with our teenage kids so they had to witness it. It was awful.

Married for 25 years, no signs at all. My son's taking his GCSEs and I was about to have major surgery so the timing sucked. And our friends would say my husband was the last person they'd pick to have an affair.

It's part of their personality at this point. People like that aren't suddenly going to be faithful. Faithfulness/monogamy just isn't important to them. They are in relationships for other reasons.

I couldn't be arsed with having an affair. Who has the time and inclination for all that scurrying around

I agree. Its not "exciting" to me at all, it sounds horrifically stressful and tiring. I hate lying and my face always gives it away. Personally, I couldnt take the stress or guilt of it. It would eat me alive. Having to constantly tell lies about where I was, then remembering which lie I told when, and to whom, having to silence my phone or go to the bathroom to check it etc. I am busy and tired enough juggling a business and a family, the idea of piling more stress on myself/obligations towards a third party on top of that sounds absolutely bloody awful to me. The stress of it would far outweigh the flattery of feeling desired by someone else for me.

Here is my take - why think about it unless you have a reason to?

I get that someone who has just been cheated on probably wants to think that everyone else is in the same boat and it's not just them.

But just because everyone could do it, does not mean everyone will, and getting paranoid and upset about something that may have not happened and may never happened is a bit silly

This. The OP is deluded.