Could you forgive or move on with your husband after this?

[Noodleskaboodles]

So I'll try to make this as short as I can...

Background, we've never had the best relationship, we have struggled with sex more than anything else (I would like to be having sex at least once a week whereas he would want sex once every 3 months if that -we meet somewhere in the middle with once a month, maybe once a fortnight) so I guess that's why this cuts a lot deeper...

My phone broke today so i pulled one of our old ones out of the drawer to use while i get mine fixed. It turned about to be husbands old phone. I charged it and switched it on, and in the messages there were tonnes of unsaved numbers (dating back to 2019 the month after I had our daughter to nov 2021) where his half of the conversation had been deleted but the received messages were all there and were all similar to the attached screenshot. I questioned him this evening about them and he said that a couple of years ago he "made a mistake" and was messaging prostitutes. he says he never actually followed through with meeting any of them.

I asked when did he last send one of these and he said a year or more ago. I asked to see his current phone to prove this, he handed it over and when I went into the 'deleted conversations' tab there were at least 10+ of unknown numbers with message threads. I clicked to recover them and he snatched the phone back saying "that's not fair though". I was like fair????? WTAF!!! He refused to let me look saying I should trust his word but I told him he can hand it over and let me read the messages or we're over! He refused and we argued on and off for an hour or so about it. During the 'breaks' he was on his phone fiddling about with something. After all the arguing he finally said "fine, read what you like!" And handed over the phone, all of the message threads I had seen had been permanently deleted. He refuses to admit that he has removed them, and has stated throughout that it was just messages and no physical contact at any point

AIBU? Should I be taking his word that he didnt actually have sex with anyone else? I'm pretty sure i already know the answer, but it kills me to throw away a 10 year marriage over this, and to disrupt life for my 3 year old

No, you should leave him. He's turned you down for sex, yet has been likely seeing prostitutes instead. That makes it no longer a 'sex thing', but a 'sex with you' thing. That is beyond hurtful. He has then lied repeatedly, giving you no option to discuss the issues properly between you. You also said your relationship has never been the best. What good is he bringing to your life? You would be happier on your own, without him bringing you down or, when/if you're ready, you deserve someone who chooses you. I wish you all the best x

Zero interest in engaging any more with someone who defends men paying to force abused women (or men) to have sex with them.

Not discussing with you further here or elsewhere.

I suspect op has more important things to worry about than how random strangers on the Internet phrase her husband's choice to repeatedly pay to force abused people to service him sexually.

Op, wishing you strength and courage and a happier life ahead with your lovely daughter.

No. I couldn’t cope with this. You have to go with your own instincts and how you feel though.
All the best.

Sti check asap

dirty dirty man

never let him work his way back into your life, house or bed once he is gone

Be prepared for him to change tack at least once OP, when the original denial and gaslight operation didnt work. There will be tears, there will be anger, he may try whatever he feel might work. Write it all down today, as you'll be likely to forget the details as time moves on and you'll need them to make it make sense of what has happened at some point no doubt.

Get all your documentation in one place, all the financial info, certificates etc and don't feel like this is your dirty secret, it's squarely at his door and you don't have to use any of your precious energy on making his life easier.

Handle yourself as though you're in shock, let someone come and look after you. You'll get through this, take all the support you can get from friends and family, you've done nothing wrong.

How do you know? How do you know for a fact that he somehow checked all these women weren’t trafficked off coerced? Caping for scum like this, isn’t a good look.

*or coerced

Absolutely divorce, run, move on, he is clearly a deviant. You deserve so much more. I would not be able to be in the same room let alone consider staying.

oh this is horrendous. I'm so sorry for you OP. I do hope you have a decent support network to help you deal with the consequences. What a shit husband he was.

And as another PP suggests, mention to him that all those sex workers are someone's daughter. Would he be happy for his daughter to become one?

Good for you OP. It’s very clear from those messages he did meet up with them. It wasn’t just messaging. You’ve done your future self - a couple of years down the line and after that - a huge favour, not to mention your daughter who deserves a better role model than a man who does this.

Disgusting behaviour from him.
My heart breaks for you as this must be the worst thing especially when you have children involved.
You must leave him though, you may think you can give it another go or try and forgive him but it will eat you up in time. You deserve more. Stay strong. X

You have done the right thing to get shot of this loser. Not only does he have no respect for you, he has no respect for any women if he can use them like that.

Thank goodness you have found out what he is like now. You can rebuild your life and enjoy the happiness you deserve.

The next few weeks will be hard, but remember that none of this is your fault.

The more you tell people what he has done, and what kind of creep he is, the easier it will be to put him firmly in your past where he belongs.

If he was sleeping with prostitutes while you were trying to conceive and then whilst you are pregnant, then that is utterly unforgivable to me. He wasn’t just risking your health, he was putting the health of your baby inside you at such a risk if you had contracted an STI while pregnant. Absolutely selfish scumbag.

I don’t - that’s why I’m not calling him a rapist. And why he shouldn’t be called a rapist. Simple.

Prostitution is rape. Men who pay people to coerce them into sex are rapists.

And I don't know why the fuck you are so invested in defending this man. How is this meant to help his wife? Or any woman?

Just leave it. There are plenty of men's rights forums that would be delighted to read your posts - maybe post them there?

Prostitution is the sexual exploitation of women and girls perpetrated by men. While some try to spin the narrative using term such as ‘sex work,’ the reality is that prostitution is rape with money (NMN, 2019).
https://womanstats.wordpress.com/2022/12/17/prostitution-and-commodifying-women/

The purchase of consent is the proof of its absence. All is left is constraint and a constrained sexual penetration is, as we know it but are sometimes too shy to say, rape (Bouvet, Mellul, 2018).
https://www.womenlobby.org/20yrsEndDemand-A-reflection-on-language

“When men claim that prostitution reduces rape,” sex trade survivor Fiona Broadfoot says, “What they really mean is that it is OK to rape prostituted women, which is how we experience sex with johns. Prostitution is rape.”
https://www.truthdig.com/articles/the-real-face-of-prostitution/

Prostitution is sexual abuse because prostitutes are subjected to various sexual acts that in any other context, perpetrated against any other woman, would be labeled assaultive, or, at the very least, unwanted and coerced.
Prostitution: Buying the Right To Rape (From Rape and Sexual Assault III, P 143-160, 1991, Wolbert Burgess, ed. -- See NCJ-134540)
https://www.ojp.gov/ncjrs/virtual-library/abstracts/prostitution-buying-right-rape-rape-and-sexual-assault-iii-p-143

What the fuck is wrong with these men? Why do they think it is OK to commit to a woman knowing they will never be a decent husband? He won't have sex with you but is happy to pay for it?! Stay fucking single then, and don't drag anyone else into your mess! Well done for getting rid, OP - I wouldn't be protecting his reputation either. Anyone who calls you asking you what happened, like his Mum, will be getting told the truth. Hopefully, some one will be disgusted enough with him to make him realise that not wanting to foster a healthy sexual relationship with a partner in favour of using sex workers, is a pretty fucked up view of women.

@AsphaltGirl Totally agree with you. I think this guy and men like him, don't want willing women. It's a power play, making a woman have sex with them when they don't want to, whether they are frightened not to or desperately need the money. It's sickening.

How is any of this stuff about prostitution or rapists helping the OP?! It's not a debate thread.

Look, men don't 'just message' escorts. If they wanted to interact with women that way, there's much better places to do it, like OnlyFans. Men message escorts because they're having sex with them.

OP, I agree you have to leave. He will likely never stop doing this.

Please people.

Posting long ranty posts about your view of prostitution etc is really not on. Whatever side you are on in that debate.
You are derailing a thread started by a women in crisis.

Have some empathy. Your posts are not helping her right now. Right now she doesn't need people arguing the point about whether or not prostitution is rape. She just needs support in what is happening in her actual real life.

Shame on you.

No, you said he was NOT (you emphasised with the capital letters there) a rapist. How do you know? How many men using prostitutes do you think actually try to make sure she’s not trafficked or coerced? Go on, take a guess at what % of men you think do that, and then ask yourself why you jump to the defence of these men.

You're making the right decision OP. Don't waver on this. He may insist he never met any of these women but that's an insult to your intelligence.

@AsphaltGirl @Naunet at no time have I defended ‘these men’ .. in fact, read my posts again and you will see I’ve said trafficking etc is heinous, horrendous. Not all prostitutes are victims to this. To state my opinion clearly - you cannot call OP’s dh a rapist as you have no idea what he has actually done, if and who he has actually had sex with 🤷‍♀️ To call or insinuate he is a rapist is just vile.

OP, I hope you’re able to get help irl, I hope you can recover from this deceit, I wish you well.

Grim. Get rid

Vile?! Please explain how men who don’t check the prostitute they’re booking isn’t trafficked, shouldn’t be called rapists? They obviously couldn’t give a shit if they were raping her or not, so why are you so determined to defend them? If you want to see vile, go look at the comments on UKPunting.