What could neighbour have said to make DP cry?

[WhatTheHeal]

DP decided to go out and cut the front lawn yesterday, bit odd as it was raining and he hasn’t done it previously as it was raining but he insisted it needed doing, so he went to do it. After about half an hour DS1 went to get a drink in the kitchen and came back and said “Dave is crying in the garden”, I asked if he was sure and he said “yeah, he’s talking to Jill and he looks really upset and he’s crying. Maybe he hurt himself?” DS is autistic and is known to misread emotions etc so I thought he was wrong, but decided to go and check. I looked out the window and DS was right, DP was visibly upset and crying standing on the uncut lawn, talking to the neighbour. She did not seem worried and was still on her side of the fence. I went to let DS1 know I was popping outside to check on him (DS1 was worried and questioning me on why his step dad was so upset, and also DS2 is disabled and can’t be left alone) and we heard the front door open, then close again. I went outside and DP wasn’t there, neighbour was now on the phone so I couldn’t ask her what was up. When I came back inside I realised DP had taken his car key which was by the front door. He absolutely didn’t have that with him when he was going out to mow the lawn as he’s lost keys before and now keeps all keys separate and only takes the ones he needs with him. His car is always parked at the back of the house so I couldn’t go and check as I can’t leave DS1 and DS2 alone for that long so instead I just sent a text to DP “everything okay?”, he didn’t answer. I couldn’t call as he absolutely hates phone calls and we’ve never once spoken on the phone in all our time together, so I knew he wouldn’t answer anyway. About 15 minutes later we hear the mower out the front so I went out to see but DP just kept mowing, he had clearly been crying and still looked very upset. I waited for him to be finished and come back inside and asked him what was up and he said there was nothing wrong and acted completely confused at why I was asking, so I told him I’d seen him crying in the garden, seen him talking to the neighbour then take his car key, I said there was clearly something going on. Again he denied it, said he had been mowing the whole time (over an hour by this point, it’s a very small lawn and he definitely hadn’t even started when I went outside to look for him), didn’t have his car key, didn’t know where it was. He denied being upset or crying, but said he did say a quick hello to the neighbour.

He wasn’t himself for the rest of the day, moody and very short with me. I checked again before bed that he was okay and he said he was just annoyed at having to account for everything he does/every minute of his time and I had annoyed him when he came in from doing the garden. He said I made him feel like he took me too long doing a job which needed doing and told me to leave him alone and went to sleep, he was off with me this morning too and left for work without saying goodbye. He never does this even after an argument. I know he didn’t sleep well and was very restless, he also got up an hour before his alarm and went and sat downstairs. I didn’t bother following him as I knew he would just get more annoyed.

DP never cries, btw. Not ever. He’s very emotionally closed off and never shows emotion in front of anyone, including me. So this is very strange behaviour.

Do I leave it, or ask again?
Should I speak to the neighbour and ask her?

And what could she possibly have said/done to make him cry and upset him for the rest of the day? I know no one can answer this but I’ve gone through so many possibilities in my head and none make any sense.

I think this sounds like a reasonable explanation 🙂

If the neighbour is closer to him that Op isn't she just likely to tell Op to ask him instead?

She may not want o get involved.

So he spends the majority of his free time out and about doing hobbies while you're unable to leave the house as you're looking after disabled children?

He'll speak to anyone on the phone apart from you?

Hmmm.

How is someone concerned about her partner crying with the neighbour being pushy?

yes if “someone” random asks you why you’re crying you can get angry but your partner who is supposed to be your support and yet you can’t open up to her but would instead cry with the neighbour. That’s serious gaslighting.

Even if he said I don’t want to talk about it now that’s different but to lie and pretend she is making it up is horrible and gaslighting. she will continue to second guess herself and walk in egg shells around him and that is NOT how a relationship should work. It’s fine if that’s what you want just be sure to find someone who wants the same thing as you to avoid driving your partner crazy.

Some of these responses are batshit 😂

Hello? Rain on face. Pissed off expression due to rain.

It seems strange he can open up to the neighbours bringing on tears but not to you .
Either he and the neighbour are closer than you think or he's upset over something in the family . Could it be the pressure of two disabled children , if they can't be left alone that's going to be a very difficult life . Not something he could easily talk to you about maybe .

😀Do you write crime stories? If not you should do.

This isn't "someone" though @SinglePonders , it's his life partner! Asking your partner what's up is 100% totally normal.

You're going to be "advised" (badgered) to ask the neighbour as the rubberneckers on here are desperate for some gossip.

They're on the edge of their seats wanting the next episode. Don't let the faux concern fool you, OP.

What's your neighbour's job? Maybe he does have a health issue and was asking about it.

So you tell your partner every waking thought and feeling and they're not allowed any private thoughts?
Private thoughts? He's sharing with the neighbour, but not op!

I think I’d ask again

@SinglePonders , are you the neighbour or the partner? I’m finding your answers very odd. This is her partner, most folks would be concerned to find them sobbing In the garden whilst talking to a neighbour and then lying about it. It’s not just “someone” asking him, irs his partner.

True but I cannot imagine the neighbour bringing him to tears in the garden over a health issue. She’d most likely invite him in the house for a sit down and chat, not do it over a garden fence. Even so…. Without examining him properly or him having proper investigations beforehand ie. Blood tests, scan, X-ray etc, I cannot imagine what she could possibly tell him about his health that would bring him to tears over a garden fence.

Read your updates.

Adding up the clues you’ve given us so far, it looks like he may be in love. Desperately and miserably. More in love with her than she is with him.

1. Neighbor talked to you at first but then only talked to your dp. Polite hello to you then disappear but talked to dp regularly.

1. Dp suddenly decides lawn must be cut, in the rain, right now, must be done. He meets with neighbor at fence for 30 minutes, no mowing.

1. He is sloppy crying and distraught. Neighbor calm. Possibility: he is upset begging her to not to end it. She says it’s over.

1. He can’t keep standing there crying and he can’t come into the house to cry because you’re there. He slips in, gets key, sits in car to compose himself.

1. He told you he was going to cut the grass so now he has to or else explain, so he cuts the grass in the rain.

1. Denies crying, is belligerent with you, tells you to leave him alone, you’re watching his every move etc etc etc. Won’t explain, sulks, lectures you.

1. He can’t sleep. Wakes early and sits downstairs in the dark for an hour before work.

Someone in love will do all manner of strange and inexplicable things, just like your dp. Yes, cry when he’s never cried before. These things taken together indicate he may in love and miserably so.

As an aside…he refuses to speak with you on the phone but speaks to everyone else on the phone. He doesn’t hate speaking on the phone, op. He hates speaking on the phone with you.

Neighbor is slightly older than him. You’ve been with dp for four years. She’s been your neighbor for 18 months-2 years.

It kind of all adds up.

“Nothing makes this man cry. Nothing.”

Well, something did. After meeting neighbor at fence for 30 minutes when he had told you the lawn absolutely had to get cut right now in the rain.

What gets me is he was ok to talk to the neighbour over a garden fence for a good half an hour but was short and agitated and didn’t want to talk with you op. Something seems very off to me.

It could be. There’s nothing wrong that I know of, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t something wrong. I did assume she was there when he started crying but equally yes he could’ve been crying when she came outside and she spoke to him. He may or may not have told her why. I did also consider a phone call (before we saw him crying), unlikely to be medical on a bank holiday I guess. But that doesn’t mean it wasn’t a friend he’s confided in or something.

Medical diagnosis would explain the fact I’ve never seen him cry before, because nothing like that has ever (thankfully) happened before.

Only two people know what was said. One refuses to talk to you so either drop it or ask the neighbour. You don't need to mention him crying, just that he seemed (and still is) upset.

Probably not the done thing to cross reference threads, but some of @SinglePonders 's demonstrate how unqualified they are to offer relationship advice.

I agree with this

I think you need to speak to him again as it’s going to eat you up else. Say that to him. It’s his reaction now that is worrying.

Sorry you feel that way.
I really don’t see it.
Do you think the affair comments are any better?
I know MN can get strange at times, but your comment is beyong bizarre.

Anyway, didn’t mean to derail your post op.
The reaction was just so strange, I had to comment. Sorry op.

Yes, I wouldnt be trying too hard to fix this.

Well excuse me for not knowing there were relationships out there where no breathing space is allowed.
I know there are strange relationships out there, but this is too strange!

I don’t think he was in the best of moods, mainly due to the weather. He usually spends free time doing one or other of his hobbies but it was raining so he said he would stay home and get some stuff done. He’s put off mowing for a while as whenever he’s planned to do it, it’s rained. So when he said he was going to do it I did say “in the rain?!” Which he was a bit snappy saying well it won’t get done otherwise, will it? Etc. I wouldn’t say he was in a bad mood really but not the best one either.