What could neighbour have said to make DP cry?

[WhatTheHeal]

DP decided to go out and cut the front lawn yesterday, bit odd as it was raining and he hasn’t done it previously as it was raining but he insisted it needed doing, so he went to do it. After about half an hour DS1 went to get a drink in the kitchen and came back and said “Dave is crying in the garden”, I asked if he was sure and he said “yeah, he’s talking to Jill and he looks really upset and he’s crying. Maybe he hurt himself?” DS is autistic and is known to misread emotions etc so I thought he was wrong, but decided to go and check. I looked out the window and DS was right, DP was visibly upset and crying standing on the uncut lawn, talking to the neighbour. She did not seem worried and was still on her side of the fence. I went to let DS1 know I was popping outside to check on him (DS1 was worried and questioning me on why his step dad was so upset, and also DS2 is disabled and can’t be left alone) and we heard the front door open, then close again. I went outside and DP wasn’t there, neighbour was now on the phone so I couldn’t ask her what was up. When I came back inside I realised DP had taken his car key which was by the front door. He absolutely didn’t have that with him when he was going out to mow the lawn as he’s lost keys before and now keeps all keys separate and only takes the ones he needs with him. His car is always parked at the back of the house so I couldn’t go and check as I can’t leave DS1 and DS2 alone for that long so instead I just sent a text to DP “everything okay?”, he didn’t answer. I couldn’t call as he absolutely hates phone calls and we’ve never once spoken on the phone in all our time together, so I knew he wouldn’t answer anyway. About 15 minutes later we hear the mower out the front so I went out to see but DP just kept mowing, he had clearly been crying and still looked very upset. I waited for him to be finished and come back inside and asked him what was up and he said there was nothing wrong and acted completely confused at why I was asking, so I told him I’d seen him crying in the garden, seen him talking to the neighbour then take his car key, I said there was clearly something going on. Again he denied it, said he had been mowing the whole time (over an hour by this point, it’s a very small lawn and he definitely hadn’t even started when I went outside to look for him), didn’t have his car key, didn’t know where it was. He denied being upset or crying, but said he did say a quick hello to the neighbour.

He wasn’t himself for the rest of the day, moody and very short with me. I checked again before bed that he was okay and he said he was just annoyed at having to account for everything he does/every minute of his time and I had annoyed him when he came in from doing the garden. He said I made him feel like he took me too long doing a job which needed doing and told me to leave him alone and went to sleep, he was off with me this morning too and left for work without saying goodbye. He never does this even after an argument. I know he didn’t sleep well and was very restless, he also got up an hour before his alarm and went and sat downstairs. I didn’t bother following him as I knew he would just get more annoyed.

DP never cries, btw. Not ever. He’s very emotionally closed off and never shows emotion in front of anyone, including me. So this is very strange behaviour.

Do I leave it, or ask again?
Should I speak to the neighbour and ask her?

And what could she possibly have said/done to make him cry and upset him for the rest of the day? I know no one can answer this but I’ve gone through so many possibilities in my head and none make any sense.

This isn't "someone", this is his partner with whom he lives, to whom he has presumably made some sort of commitment, the person who we would hope he loves and who loves him. She's fully entitled to be concerned about him and to want to know what the problem is so she can help. She wasn't asking again and again, she sent a quick "Everything OK" text which he ignored and asked him when he came in and again at the end of the day when it was reasonable to assume he might have been in a frame of mind to talk through the problem with her. None of that is creepy or unhealthy, I would seriously worry about a relationship where one partner just ignores the fact that the other one is obviously very upset.

I think you need to look back to before the going outside to cut the grass. Was he already tense and agitated?

If it is a relationship I think it’s unlikely she’s chosen there and then to tell him it was over or that she’s going to tell you- my guess would be she’d already told him this at an earlier time and he’s then messaged and asked her to be out there so he can plead, hence why he’s upset and not her

Inappropriate relationship another words a fling a affair sprang to mind...

Sorry to say...

I think I usually know where he is but he has a lot of hobbies and honestly isn’t home very much (that’s a whole other thread, don’t get me started!), obviously I don’t know for sure where he is but he usually tells me where he’s going. Doesn’t much like being asked how long he will be or when he will be back (I only ask for dinner etc, I don’t really mind how long he’s gone!), but if he’s only next door surely that’s the least of his problems…

He is always on his phone when he’s home- always. I wouldn’t say he’s particularly possessive over it or worried about me seeing it but equally I’ve never looked so he’s probably fairly confident he doesn’t need to be.

Was she outside when he insisted on mowing the lawn?

I don't necessarily think he is having an affair, but it is possible that he would like to, hence his eagerness to go out when neighbour is out, and maybe she took the chance to tell him to back off which caused him to get upset.

Sometimes somebody showing you sympathy can make me cry. If she said something astute about the repercussions of your son's disability.
I remember somebody once said to me "that's really hard, you're supporting two people and you have nobody in your corner" and I was so upset. I guess because it was true but I didn't want to acknowledge it.

Could he have an upsetting health diagnosis that he is keeping to himself? Or something else like that?

People are assuming that the neighbour said something to make him cry but as just as likely that she came outside and found him crying?

Affair was one thing I thought of, but I thought really, the neighbour?! How would he get away with it? I mean he has ample opportunities but he would have to be pretty brave to go out to one of his hobbies and go back in next door, I could easily be putting the bins out or the kids could be playing in the garden

That can be part of the thrill, the possibility of getting caught.

I don't know why he could be crying, but I'm genuinely interested in how you both communicate.

If you never speak on the phone, do you normally have a very good chat person-to-person, so save everything for when you're together?

What happens if you have a random thought during the day? Do you write it down until you get home?

If you need him to pick something up on the way home, etc?

If you're good communicators when together, it's even more weird he'd just lie, instead of 'I don't want to talk about it now'.

All very odd.

This made me go back to your original post OP, and slightly revise my view.

Yes, he was determined to go out even though it was raining. Was he seeking some headspace and just crying out there to himself, and the neighbour happened along?

Is he generally a good egg?

So you tell your partner every waking thought and feeling and they're not allowed any private thoughts?

Frankly given how people are demanding he be interrogated and forced to answer all her questions or she'll go and harass the neighbour, I'm not Suprised he's tried to brush it off.

He is allowed to keep his own counsel about something they affects him. There's no evidence it affects op. Even if it does incidentally, he's allowed time to process his own emotions without having to immediately run I nand tell op he's had an emotion and can they please share it.

Frankly your partner would be better off single if you dump them because they once cried and hid it.

While it can't be ruled out I would say a affair with the neighbour is unlikely.

Hay-fever, just nope , why would he cut grass if he had Hay-fever?

Stressed and struggling to admit he is finding it hard to cope with DCs and doesn't want to admit it , yes very posable.

Heath scare ?
My DH did almost the same as @WhatTheHeal did.
We were out in a pub ( our local) he was a bit quiet then suddenly got ip and went from the vault to the room , ( it was very rare we went in there) after about 10 mins I went to look for him , he was sat with a mutual female friend, and though not crying was obviously very upset so I asked what was wrong he snaped back that it was nothing and left the pub .
He hadn't finished his drink and we were planing staying for a few hrs so I was very surprised.
I followed him home and asked again , he refused to answer.
Two days later he admitted he had found a lump and was scared to death it was cancer but couldn't find the words to tell me before . He had the lump for a month but the silly bugger had done nothing about it except dwell on the worst possible outcome.

Thankfully it was just a fatty deposit .

Is this a possibility? @WhatTheHeal

This is very strange. Putting my detective hat on.

Over and above the general strangeness of him crying to the neighbour, too things stand out for me in what you have said:

1. the neighbour has cooled her relationship with you but continues to talks to your DP
2. DP has gone out to ‘mow the lawn’ in the rain which is unusual in itself but then not actually started mowing the lawn some half hour later.

So we know there’s almost certainly some level of confidence between DP and neighbour. We can deduce that it is likely some level of confidence has been going on for some time (given neighbour continues to talk to him but not you).

How long has this shift in the relationship been apparent? Does it coincide with any other changes you’ve observed with your DP or at home?

And on the second point - it suggests either a) he’d arranged to talk to neighbour at that time OR that he needed to get some space and happened to bump into the neighbour.

I know lots of others have said “affair” but you’d have to assume any affair has not been conducted over the garden fence and they’d have other means of meeting and communicating that doesn’t involve standing in front garden in view of passers-by and his family. That could be a very deliberate choice by her (eg breaking off the relationship where he can’t create a scene) BUT I still think it unlikely that it’s an affair.

Given what you’ve said so far my instinct is that he is under some stress at home that he has not confided in you - he’s gone out to get some breathing space, bumped into the neighbour who he has already confided in, and fallen to pieces. That could be stress associated with being step-dad to 2 DC with disabilities /SEN, linked to his relationship with you, debt/money issues…?

Aside from this incident, how has he been generally? Any signs he is under stress?

So if you ever cry, he's allowed to check all your SM and emails?

My dp is similarly poor at showing emotion but cried and tried to hide it when he found out someone he cares about, and I’m sure given the opportunity would have had an affair with, was diagnosed with cancer that had spread. Could they have a mutual friend/ ex if they are both local and the neighbour passed the news on?

Honestly, you would be surprised what men get upto and how they manage to have affairs. I have seen the absolute sneakiest of tactics being used. If they want to cheat they will find a way to do it.
They might even arrange to meet up elsewhere and he may never even have to step foot in her house. Or he may sneak in when he feels nobody is looking, could even climb over a fence or wall. He could be saying he’s at one of his hobbies or at work and he could be arranging to meet her at a pub somewhere. It could even be when he says he’s going somewhere and in reality he’s meeting her. Don’t underestimate the sneaky tactics they use.

An affair does seem the most likely explanation. Or that like a pp said he may have accidentally killed an animal but I cannot see why he’d keep that from you.
I cannot understand how a man who never cries (at least not in front of you) would cry in front of a neighbour, not his wife, not a family member, not a good friend.… but a neighbour!

Has he been more possessive over his phone lately op? Does he take it to the bathroom or have it under the pillow or close to him all the time. Does his phone have a passcode so you can’t get in? Does he seem more agitated with you or showing OTT affection or wanting to take more care of his diet/ personal hygiene. These are all possible signs of an affair.

I think that’s not such a bad theory at all!
Regarding a possible affair - of course he could be having one with the neighbour, but it’s just somewhat odd that he would stand there and cry about it ending, right in his garden where his wife and the kids could easily see him.
Wouldn’t he just drive off somewhere before getting all emotional?

The only thing I can think of is maybe he thinks he has something like cancer, doesn't want to worry you and so keeping it to himself, neighbour spotted him crying, he replied fine, got car keys for drive so could cry in private then came back. Or something he's ashamed of like he's lost his job but doesn't want to tell you that. Very odd. I would ask neighbour but she may know nothing or pretend to know nothing.

I wondered the same.

Can't understand why you wouldn't just go talk to the neighbour.

Hi OP, hope you’re okay. Was your neighbour also stood out in the rain? I do find it all very strange.

Yep. That’s exactly what I meant and what he does all the time. Also, whenever I fart, he’s allowed to go through my bank statements.

Glad we have someone as smart as you knocking around to interpret my posts. 😉

He doesn’t sound like he treats you particularly well OP

He did drive off and then came back.

It most good marriages and one of them cries the other usually gets to know why.

In bad marriages not so often.