What could neighbour have said to make DP cry?

[WhatTheHeal]

DP decided to go out and cut the front lawn yesterday, bit odd as it was raining and he hasn’t done it previously as it was raining but he insisted it needed doing, so he went to do it. After about half an hour DS1 went to get a drink in the kitchen and came back and said “Dave is crying in the garden”, I asked if he was sure and he said “yeah, he’s talking to Jill and he looks really upset and he’s crying. Maybe he hurt himself?” DS is autistic and is known to misread emotions etc so I thought he was wrong, but decided to go and check. I looked out the window and DS was right, DP was visibly upset and crying standing on the uncut lawn, talking to the neighbour. She did not seem worried and was still on her side of the fence. I went to let DS1 know I was popping outside to check on him (DS1 was worried and questioning me on why his step dad was so upset, and also DS2 is disabled and can’t be left alone) and we heard the front door open, then close again. I went outside and DP wasn’t there, neighbour was now on the phone so I couldn’t ask her what was up. When I came back inside I realised DP had taken his car key which was by the front door. He absolutely didn’t have that with him when he was going out to mow the lawn as he’s lost keys before and now keeps all keys separate and only takes the ones he needs with him. His car is always parked at the back of the house so I couldn’t go and check as I can’t leave DS1 and DS2 alone for that long so instead I just sent a text to DP “everything okay?”, he didn’t answer. I couldn’t call as he absolutely hates phone calls and we’ve never once spoken on the phone in all our time together, so I knew he wouldn’t answer anyway. About 15 minutes later we hear the mower out the front so I went out to see but DP just kept mowing, he had clearly been crying and still looked very upset. I waited for him to be finished and come back inside and asked him what was up and he said there was nothing wrong and acted completely confused at why I was asking, so I told him I’d seen him crying in the garden, seen him talking to the neighbour then take his car key, I said there was clearly something going on. Again he denied it, said he had been mowing the whole time (over an hour by this point, it’s a very small lawn and he definitely hadn’t even started when I went outside to look for him), didn’t have his car key, didn’t know where it was. He denied being upset or crying, but said he did say a quick hello to the neighbour.

He wasn’t himself for the rest of the day, moody and very short with me. I checked again before bed that he was okay and he said he was just annoyed at having to account for everything he does/every minute of his time and I had annoyed him when he came in from doing the garden. He said I made him feel like he took me too long doing a job which needed doing and told me to leave him alone and went to sleep, he was off with me this morning too and left for work without saying goodbye. He never does this even after an argument. I know he didn’t sleep well and was very restless, he also got up an hour before his alarm and went and sat downstairs. I didn’t bother following him as I knew he would just get more annoyed.

DP never cries, btw. Not ever. He’s very emotionally closed off and never shows emotion in front of anyone, including me. So this is very strange behaviour.

Do I leave it, or ask again?
Should I speak to the neighbour and ask her?

And what could she possibly have said/done to make him cry and upset him for the rest of the day? I know no one can answer this but I’ve gone through so many possibilities in my head and none make any sense.

I think the op could ask the neighbour if she doesn't get a satisfactory explanation from husband.

It could be put tactfully, just saying how strangely he seemed to behave after the event and wondering if there was anything wrong. No more than that and sort of said in passing. She may be able to tell from neighbour's body language or if she goes red.

First things first, try to check his phone and speak to him directly but calmly.

I haven't RTFT but I'm sure others have also said he doesn't sound much of a catch at this point.

I couldn't be putting up with that level of subterfuge, gaslighting and so on. Trust is so important in a relationship. If the neighbour is involved in some way she's not going to tell you anything. Really, if it isn't great anyway and he won't be straight with you I'd call it a day.

"...she's told him she's pregnant..."

I wondered about this. Or perhaps that she's not pregnant any more, either intentionally or otherwise.

I think the weirdest thing for me is him suddenly wanting to cut the grass, in the rain, when previously he has put it off because of the rain. I don't actually know anyone who cuts their grass in the rain come to think of it.

Add in the presence of the neighbour when he was standing there crying. OP you also said neighbour didn't seem concerned he was crying. Most people surely when seeing their male neighbour in tears in the rain, would look concerned if they approached and talked to them.

Add in the info that said neighbour was friendly and helpful when you first moved in, but has since essentially backed off anything above a simple 'hello' to op, but converses with her DH with no issues.

Add in the now gaslighting, denial he was crying, anger at being asked about it, anger and blaming OP for bringing it up to the point of not speaking and sleeping on the sofa.

Theres also the fact this man appears to do nothing in the home (save grass cutting), nothing with the DC, does not sound like he cooks dinner and has multiple hobbies where he is frequently out of the house.

He also refuses to take phone calls from OP, but has no issues taking calls from other people.

I am a strong beleiver that nothing is a coincidence. Why cut the grass in the rain, and when neighbour is outside, and be crying. There is a link here between neighbour and OP's DH. Whatever it might be, but the most likely is they are or were involved in some way - whether a relationship or involved together in something else entirely (financial/drugs etc - how likely are these other things OP?)

Based on that my guess is he has a nice comfy life with OP, she does everything for him, he gets his clothes washed, his food cooked, his life sorted and has no intention to leave. But has been seeing the neighbour for some time, recently they have had problems and she has ended the relationship. He begged to talk, they met in the rain under the guiase of him cutting the grass, and he is begging her, hence why he was showing emotion and crying. And why she seemed unaffacted by it. Or she is fed up of him refusing to leave OP and has issued an ultimatum and he was panic crying.

None if it looks good though, whatever it is.

Even if its simply, he was crying over something totally nothing to do with neighbour, he is still lying about it and being angry at OP for daring to mention it.

OP, given his reluctance to actually speak to you, and denial of the crying, and presence of the neighbour I would be checking his phone at this point. her is hiding something, not telling you, if you are supporting and housing this man you have a right to know what it going on.

@SinglePonders Demand gossip? Her PARTNER is crying in HER garden and is now being rude to her in HER home. She has every right to ask

@WhatTheHeal Tbh if he won’t tell you AND is continuing to be rude to you, I'd ask him to leave. Massively, massively disrespectful

Mowing the lawn in the rain is odd behaviour. The neighbour being outside in the rain too is one hell of a coincidence. The neighbour being on the phone so you couldn't speak to her seems convenient too.

It seems to point to one of two things. Either an affair, like people suggest. Or the neighbour was making false accusations about you. In some respects it seems more likely to be the former than the latter to me because unless they are in contact, it seems incredibly odd for them to be in their gardens in the rain at the same time.

But - and it's a big but - his behaviour seems to be far more like a man who thinks he has been cheated than a man who has cheated himself.

I've nothing helpful to add. I am sure you will get to the bottom of it. I hope you have some help with your dc? It must be so hard to be the only parent. I just wanted to give you a hug, really x

He's refusing to even acknowledge that it happened so yes, I'd ask her at this point. I wouldn't automatically assume they were involved, but yes, something happened, some kind of bad news that upset him and he won't share with you, so it's not looking good. Sorry OP. I'd ask him to move out if he is intending to continue lying to you. It's not ok for him to get away with lying and gaslighting like he is trying to do.

Affairs aren’t some rare thing that only happen on east Enders, they’re completely pedestrian, and in my view, far more likely than him suddenly crying over children he provides almost zero care for.

You say that a previous relationship ended because your Ex was cheating and gaslighting you about it. Could history possibly be repeating itself?

I'm not saying it's so, but perhaps it's something to think about. Those of us who have been in abusive relationships do tend to pick the same 'type' over and over until, hopefully, we find a way to change our 'mindset'.

And I agree with PP. I think you need to give serious consideration as to whether or not this man adds to your life, or detracts from it. You're already caring for your children and your home pretty much singlehandedly. If he were gone would it lighten your load and/or give you less stress? Food for thought.

I think you need to monitor him closely for a while. Look for clues. Maybe try to pop out and come back unexpectedly?

Ring doorbell?

He is up to something for sure

I reckon, he's been having an affair all the while, but it's just ended and he was upset about that. Either, it was with the neighbour, but more likely, the neighbour happens to know the affair partner and has told him she's filled her friend in on some info about his life that he has omitted, thus causing an end to it.
I dated someone last year for a while who only texted, never spoke on the phone and claimed to be having his DC a lot more than 50/50 because of x,y,z special circumstances- all bollocks, all lies.
I would never trust someone who only wanted to ever communicate by text, there are dodgy reasons why that is so.

Kick him out.

If he insists on gaslighting and lying to you, which he clearly is, he should go.

It's pointless communicating with someone who is denying your reality.

Tell is more about his various hobbies OP?

This reply made me laugh.

This man stepped out into the rain to respond to his feelings - He's not an character in Bridgeton. Bit dramatic!

a character

He slept on the sofa as I’m “clearly trying to start an argument

Yep, more gaslighting and deflection. "Don't ask me any uncomfortable questions woman or il punish you by being a stroppy arse and sleep on the sofa"

Id let him sleep on the sofa permanently OP - in another house far away from yours.

Sorry Op, it sounds really hard and you sound like a super mum 💐

People seems to be jumping to him being a gaslighting cheating bastard and telling the OP to behave accordingly (“kick him out!” etc).

But it’s also quite possible he’s dealing with a big issue (eg health or financial), hasn’t found the way to tell the OP what it is yet and is reacting defensively because he doesn’t know how else to handle it.

In your shoes OP I’d tell him that he doesn’t need to tell you what’s going on, but he has to at least acknowledge that you saw what you saw (or offer a proper explanation of what you saw if it wasn’t him crying to the neighbour). He owes you at least that much because you can’t live with those fundamental lies.

If he persists with the flat denial then I would think seriously about future there is in the relationship.

Some people will cheat with a neighbour because they get off on the thrill of it being so close to home. Others will do it for the convenience. Others know that the risk of being found out does not actually increase if you're cheating close to home.
@ucantmulchthis

Very true. Ex-friend had an affair with a man who lived in the same village for 12 years. And her next door neighbour worked with his wife. He seemed to like the thrill of walking through the back gate into her garden, where NDN could easily have seen him, loads of people must have noticed him coming and going yet afaik his wife never found out.

But it’s also quite possible he’s dealing with a big issue (eg health or
financial), hasn’t found the way to tell the OP what it is yet and is
reacting defensively because he doesn’t know how else to handle it.

Yeah because that's what you do, you open up to the single, divorced neighbour in the pouring rain, whilst refusing support from his wife.

Never in my life come across this, critical health diagnosis which makes you cry, tell the neighbour whose only lived there 18 months.
Ok.

i know lots of affairs happen close to home. The point is more that presumably if it were an affair they’ve not carried it out entirely over the garden fence, so why start now?

Obviously I can't rule out an affair but has he been acting out of character recently. Just wondering if he's struggling or worrying about something and doesn't want you worrying about him.

I'd have to ask him and gauge his reaction. If he won't tell you, then just make it clear in the meantime that you're there for him in case he is struggling. Having done this, if he hasn't opened up, then I think I'd speak to the neighbour to see what reaction you get - and also she might tell you more.

This, OP.
If you hadn't already come out of a much worse relationship I think you would have recognised far sooner how "off" all this is.
But looking in from the outside, this is so manipulative.
He's got you thinking it's ok that you are the only person not allowed to phone him.
He's lying to your face about the crying.
He's punishing you for asking questions.
Kick him out. With that little list it doesn't even really matter why he was crying. You're barely impinging on his life anyway.