What could neighbour have said to make DP cry?

[WhatTheHeal]

DP decided to go out and cut the front lawn yesterday, bit odd as it was raining and he hasn’t done it previously as it was raining but he insisted it needed doing, so he went to do it. After about half an hour DS1 went to get a drink in the kitchen and came back and said “Dave is crying in the garden”, I asked if he was sure and he said “yeah, he’s talking to Jill and he looks really upset and he’s crying. Maybe he hurt himself?” DS is autistic and is known to misread emotions etc so I thought he was wrong, but decided to go and check. I looked out the window and DS was right, DP was visibly upset and crying standing on the uncut lawn, talking to the neighbour. She did not seem worried and was still on her side of the fence. I went to let DS1 know I was popping outside to check on him (DS1 was worried and questioning me on why his step dad was so upset, and also DS2 is disabled and can’t be left alone) and we heard the front door open, then close again. I went outside and DP wasn’t there, neighbour was now on the phone so I couldn’t ask her what was up. When I came back inside I realised DP had taken his car key which was by the front door. He absolutely didn’t have that with him when he was going out to mow the lawn as he’s lost keys before and now keeps all keys separate and only takes the ones he needs with him. His car is always parked at the back of the house so I couldn’t go and check as I can’t leave DS1 and DS2 alone for that long so instead I just sent a text to DP “everything okay?”, he didn’t answer. I couldn’t call as he absolutely hates phone calls and we’ve never once spoken on the phone in all our time together, so I knew he wouldn’t answer anyway. About 15 minutes later we hear the mower out the front so I went out to see but DP just kept mowing, he had clearly been crying and still looked very upset. I waited for him to be finished and come back inside and asked him what was up and he said there was nothing wrong and acted completely confused at why I was asking, so I told him I’d seen him crying in the garden, seen him talking to the neighbour then take his car key, I said there was clearly something going on. Again he denied it, said he had been mowing the whole time (over an hour by this point, it’s a very small lawn and he definitely hadn’t even started when I went outside to look for him), didn’t have his car key, didn’t know where it was. He denied being upset or crying, but said he did say a quick hello to the neighbour.

He wasn’t himself for the rest of the day, moody and very short with me. I checked again before bed that he was okay and he said he was just annoyed at having to account for everything he does/every minute of his time and I had annoyed him when he came in from doing the garden. He said I made him feel like he took me too long doing a job which needed doing and told me to leave him alone and went to sleep, he was off with me this morning too and left for work without saying goodbye. He never does this even after an argument. I know he didn’t sleep well and was very restless, he also got up an hour before his alarm and went and sat downstairs. I didn’t bother following him as I knew he would just get more annoyed.

DP never cries, btw. Not ever. He’s very emotionally closed off and never shows emotion in front of anyone, including me. So this is very strange behaviour.

Do I leave it, or ask again?
Should I speak to the neighbour and ask her?

And what could she possibly have said/done to make him cry and upset him for the rest of the day? I know no one can answer this but I’ve gone through so many possibilities in my head and none make any sense.

For god's sake, just ask your neighbour!

and I do a lot for him

And who does something/anything for you OP?

You sound so pulled in every direction. I hope the boys’ father take them so you get some time? You had time to date and I hope that precious time is not being swallowed up now by doing more for your DP instead of keeping some to look after yourself.

Agreed.

If I saw DH crying and he tried to say he wasn't I'd ask him why he was lying to my face. OP is behaving strangely.

Sounds like you have a stressful life with two children with special needs..I have the same

Hmm from op’s posts it doesn’t sound as if you have the same family life?
Her partner is fairly new on the scene, hasn’t taken on a parenting role,
doesn’t participate in family life,
is “never here” (op’s words)
and refuses to engage emotionally with her.
He’s either at work or out with friends, busy with hobbies, he’ll refuse to answer the phone to her despite being happy to call his friends and family for chats.

Something is very wrong with this set up.

Im not sure it’s helpful to put this down to “everyday stresses..make him a cup of tea and be nice to him”

Id be hugely insulted to be treated so coldly and dismissively by someone who is supposed to be a “partner.”

I will be asking the neighbour. She’s at work so I’m not sure how I’ll ask her unless I “accidentally” bump into her on her way home. I can’t just go out and demand she tells me
everything, I don’t want to scare her off or she might never talk to me about it. Also as people have said, she might not know, could’ve been coincidence. The more I think about it now though, the more sure I am she was on the phone to him as she was looking around as if she was looking for or waiting for someone, so maybe she wondered where he had gone too. I will update if she knows/admits anything.

As for DP, no update last night. There were a couple of comments here asking why I didn’t ask him etc- I did, I asked him, he denied anything was wrong. I waited until yesterday evening (he was at work and I didn’t want to ask by message, I wanted to see his face). Again he just said he had no idea what I was taking about, looked straight at me and denied it. I’ve even started doubting myself now. If my son hadn’t seen it too and if I hadn’t written this thread I think I’d be doubting it even happened by now. He slept on the sofa as I’m “clearly trying to start an argument”.

I know my relationship isn’t great, it used to be better. It was probably never wonderful but I never thought I’d find a good man and he seemed like a good man (ex cheated repeatedly and also gaslit me to believe I was the problem). Things have got worse but I don’t think you realise how bad when you are living it. Hearing it from strangers is a bit of a wake up call.

all sounds very odd to me. If the neighbour was dumping him after an affair surely you'd do that in private, not in the rain over the garden fence while he is mowing the lawn?

I don't think it's inappropriate at all to go and speak to neighbour since he won't tell you whats up. She obviously might not tell you the truth though. I'd probably tell him that since he won't tell you you are going to ask her.

Lots that you say about your relationship seems very odd though. especially the phone thing given that he speaks to everyone else on the phone not you.

I think he was dumped by text and then begged to see her in the garden because he was upset and desperate to talk to her.

I would go round and ask the neighbour if you can come in for a chat as there is something worrying you or make up a reason. Then ask her why he was upset. Ask if there has been anything going on. Keep calm and she will hopefully tell you.

Hi op, he is gaslighting you. Don’t ever doubt yourself for one minute. There is something he is not telling you about and obviously doesn’t want you to know.

If you know roughly what time your neighbour is due back from work you could pretend to be pottering about outside and say a quick hello and then just ‘casually’ mention it to her. However I’ve a feeling that if they have been having an affair she will deny things or make up some story. If they are/ have been having an affair he’s probably already been in contact with her to tell her you saw him crying and they may have already come up with a plan of what to tell you if you ask her about it.

Get a fucking grip, Jesus. Cool wife of the century over here!

I can’t imagine a relationship where something significant enough to make my partner cry would be considered so out of bounds that I’m not even allowed to enquire about it. Just because you’re okay with breadcrumbs of emotional intimacy, it doesn’t mean that’s a normal way of operating.

Can you look at his phone, see if it makes things clearer

The gaslighting, accusing you of wanting to start an argument, cutting grass in the rain, all very odd ( and unpleasant) behaviour. Hope you get to the bottom of it, OP.

Not sure what you get out of it from a 'relationship' point of view.

And if he can speak on the phone to others he can speak to you

Did he move in with you OP?

I agree with needanewname, do look at his phone if you can. However I think you need to talk to him and ask questions directly; if not satisfactory, ask your neighbour. You don't have to make a big deal out of it but it is natural for you to seek reassurance. There may be a perfectly simple explanation which is what I, and am sure everybody, hopes.

What catharsis does he need exactly? He NEVER looks after the kids. He is out of the house most of the time. He goes to lots of “hobbies”. He chats on the phone to friends and family, but OP isn’t allowed to phone him. He didn’t have a private cry, he was in the garden talking to a neighbour (after deciding it was essential to mow the lawn in the rain). When OP asked him about it he denied it and flew off the handle.
Agreed, it isn’t necessarily an affair. People are suggesting that because it’s so often the reason. But this really doesn’t sound at all like a stressed man breaking down in tears.

OP I just want to say how sad I am that you have given this wanker room and board and love and affection for four years. The “no phone” thing is hugely insulting and disrespectful in and of itself. A way of limiting your ability when he is outside of the house.

Also none of the neighbors behavior makes sense if it was not an affair. She lives alone—why would she need to go out in her garden to make a phone call in the rain?

he is a gaslighter. Not all that different from your previous partner.

Whether she is shagging him or blackmailing him she is likely to deny it and then you're no further forward. You need to decide if this relationship is for you - realistically you may never know the full truth. He sounds awful and I'd dump him.

Perhaps he was just having a ''crying jag'' from the rain and general stress and worries?

I think you’re right op.

He went outside (under the ruse of cutting grass despite rain) to speak to neighbour.

Emotional conversation between them ensues

He slopes off to his car with his phone to ring her out of sight.

He’s very upset by what she said, and brushes you away when you question his behaviour.

Regardless of this, any sort of emotional connection/ closeness/ ability to communicate appears to be missing from your relationship for a long time. Was it ever there?

Your son also seems confused and agitated by his step dad’s behaviour.
They will look to him as a parental figure and role model as they get older.

Well, the facts are the neighbour knows something so important about your DP, that it made him cry in front of her.

It doesn't bode well that

1. It's something that you are not aware of.
2. He's lying to your face about it happening.

The nearly facts but wouldn't stand up in a court of law bits are that he instigated a meeting by pretending to go an cut the lawn in the rain.

Then there's the speculation that she may have been trying to ring him.

There are various scenarios that fit this evidence, and none of the look good for your relationship to be honest.

Honestly, I would give home one last chance to explain what was happening that was so serious it made him cry, and if he still denies it happened, tell him the relationship is over and he can he move out.

You may or may not get the truth from your neighbour, but she could easily clam up and tell you it's between you and your husband. There's a chance she has seen him do something or seen him with someone, and she was threatening to tell you. The loss of reputation and standing in the community he is deeply part of might be enough to make him. Off course they could be having an affair as well and she has ended it and has given him an ultimatum of some sorts that he can't accept.

Your relationship sounds a bit batshit and gaslighty. He can’t be honest with you about blatantly crying, you can’t trust him to share things with you, you can’t phone him, he’s always off doing hobbies. None of this is normal op.

He is clearly up to who knows what. I’d be getting a hold of his phone and having a good look through it. I’d also be going to your neighbours door and asking politely wtf was going on yesterday.

I would go round to the neighbour and ask. See how she reacts.

Whatever the reason OP he sounds somewhat of a user who doesn't add enough to your life. In your situation you need a true partner, one who takes over to give you a break. Yes it's hard finding one in your situation but as ladies on here say don't make the mistake of landing a grade 7 tosser as opposed to a grade 10 one- he must see you struggling and yet does nothing to help. I honestly am not sure what to make of this situation. My ex mother in law was knocking off the next door neighbour for 18 months by the way in her50s. Got caught by his suspicious wife who got him followed. My ex FIL had no idea

I asked a very similar set of questions earlier and would be very interested in @WhatTheHeal ‘s response.

i was coming at it from the angle of wondering whether Dave is in long term financial difficulty and OP has been exploited for bed and board.

But @Fruitygal makes some other interesting observations too.

The financial flip-side is that OP is financially dependent on Dave, he’s in financial difficulty and is under stress due the responsibility for OP and her children.

I don't think there's any doubt that something is, and has been, going on between OP's DP & the neighbour.

I think that there has been a significant shift now though, where something has come to a head, and he's being forced to come to terms with this issue and try to deal with it, whilst trying to hide it as best as he can from OP for the time being, while he figures out what his options are.

Hence the unusual behaviour/crying, the talking with neighbour in the rain under the guise of mowing the grass with the real risk of being seen, the unjustified nastiness toward OP when she is only showing concern and, most of all, the gaslighting.

What the issue is, that has suddenly become of concern, could maybe be a few things. My money would be on one of the following...

• she's told him she's seeing someone else because he's wasting her time by not separating with OP. I reckon if she was simply dumping him, he would think he could charm her around again & therefore not be too upset about it. But maybe it showed him that she means more to him than he realised and the thought of her with someone else is what has caused his show of emotion, as he's feeling like it's out of his control & not his choice that he is losing her.

• she's told him she's pregnant.

Either of these would mean any choice is taken out of his hands and also force a change to his cushy status quo. This would account for the restlessness, not sleeping well & now sleeping on the sofa. He needs his distance from OP, while all this is bouncing around in his head & unsettling him, to try & work out what he's going to do.