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Original poster

What could neighbour have said to make DP cry?

1000 replies

WhatTheHeal · 09/05/2023 13:38

DP decided to go out and cut the front lawn yesterday, bit odd as it was raining and he hasn’t done it previously as it was raining but he insisted it needed doing, so he went to do it. After about half an hour DS1 went to get a drink in the kitchen and came back and said “Dave is crying in the garden”, I asked if he was sure and he said “yeah, he’s talking to Jill and he looks really upset and he’s crying. Maybe he hurt himself?” DS is autistic and is known to misread emotions etc so I thought he was wrong, but decided to go and check. I looked out the window and DS was right, DP was visibly upset and crying standing on the uncut lawn, talking to the neighbour. She did not seem worried and was still on her side of the fence. I went to let DS1 know I was popping outside to check on him (DS1 was worried and questioning me on why his step dad was so upset, and also DS2 is disabled and can’t be left alone) and we heard the front door open, then close again. I went outside and DP wasn’t there, neighbour was now on the phone so I couldn’t ask her what was up. When I came back inside I realised DP had taken his car key which was by the front door. He absolutely didn’t have that with him when he was going out to mow the lawn as he’s lost keys before and now keeps all keys separate and only takes the ones he needs with him. His car is always parked at the back of the house so I couldn’t go and check as I can’t leave DS1 and DS2 alone for that long so instead I just sent a text to DP “everything okay?”, he didn’t answer. I couldn’t call as he absolutely hates phone calls and we’ve never once spoken on the phone in all our time together, so I knew he wouldn’t answer anyway. About 15 minutes later we hear the mower out the front so I went out to see but DP just kept mowing, he had clearly been crying and still looked very upset. I waited for him to be finished and come back inside and asked him what was up and he said there was nothing wrong and acted completely confused at why I was asking, so I told him I’d seen him crying in the garden, seen him talking to the neighbour then take his car key, I said there was clearly something going on. Again he denied it, said he had been mowing the whole time (over an hour by this point, it’s a very small lawn and he definitely hadn’t even started when I went outside to look for him), didn’t have his car key, didn’t know where it was. He denied being upset or crying, but said he did say a quick hello to the neighbour.

He wasn’t himself for the rest of the day, moody and very short with me. I checked again before bed that he was okay and he said he was just annoyed at having to account for everything he does/every minute of his time and I had annoyed him when he came in from doing the garden. He said I made him feel like he took me too long doing a job which needed doing and told me to leave him alone and went to sleep, he was off with me this morning too and left for work without saying goodbye. He never does this even after an argument. I know he didn’t sleep well and was very restless, he also got up an hour before his alarm and went and sat downstairs. I didn’t bother following him as I knew he would just get more annoyed.

DP never cries, btw. Not ever. He’s very emotionally closed off and never shows emotion in front of anyone, including me. So this is very strange behaviour.

Do I leave it, or ask again?
Should I speak to the neighbour and ask her?

And what could she possibly have said/done to make him cry and upset him for the rest of the day? I know no one can answer this but I’ve gone through so many possibilities in my head and none make any sense.

OP posts:
NarwhalsTusk · 09/05/2023 22:16

Throughalookingglass · 09/05/2023 22:05

Just thought of another thing - is there a possibility he is a gambler? And is in financial trouble?

TBH I think this is at least as likely as the affair scenario.

Obviously something is going on that he doesn’t want to share with OP - whether there’s a good reason or not, it’s not fair on OP for him to deny there’s a problem.

I think OP has to try to reason with him that she knows what she saw and he can’t leave her worrying about the various worst case scenarios it might be - whatever the explanation is, he owes her the truth. Because there’s no way she can just forget about this and carry on as if it didn’t happen.

Poochnewbie1 · 09/05/2023 22:19

I hope that you get to the bottom of this very soon. It can’t be a nice feeling wondering about this. It does sound like he’s in love with your neighbour. And it is a possibility that when he goes out that she goes out too and they meet somewhere away from the houses - that would get around the risky issue of being right next door.

I hope it is something much less serious and he stubbed his toe badly or something.

SophiaElizabethGrace · 09/05/2023 22:20

I don't think it's an affair at all. I think he has a child who he hasn't told you about and your NDN knows/is related to the child's mother.

The NDN and your DP are different ages but grew up in the same town - I think they probably do have friends in common.

The NDN could've been talking to him about the child who he doesn't see or have any contact with but the NDN knows as she is friends with the mum.

Greenfairydust · 09/05/2023 22:25

The simplest explanation is often the right one.

He has been messing around with the neighbour and she has just dumped him.

diamondpony80 · 09/05/2023 22:28

Every single man in my life I've only ever seen cry over one thing - losing someone they love. A death of someone they are very close to, or losing a lover. There are a lot of possible scenarios posted on this thread and I can't think of a single other one that would make them cry (they're not a very emotional bunch). I'm leaning towards an affair with the next-door neighbor or he's found out someone close to him is dying (and there would be no reason not to reveal that unless maybe he's ill himself).

NarwhalsTusk · 09/05/2023 22:30

What struck me most is not only your DP cutting the grass in the rain but your neighbour stood in the rain for thirty minutes also for a chat? I'm inclined to think they are more than friends or she knows the person your DP was/is seeing?

we don’t know they were chatting for 30mins, only for the few minutes from DS mentioning it until DP came in and picked up the house keys.

We also don’t know that whatever the neighbour knows is the truth. Maybe she just bumped into the DP while coming back from the shops or whatever and found him crying. DP could have told her anything to explain it away.

I don’t think you can infer much from the fact she was stood on the other side of the fence looking unemotional. That could be anything from her ending an affair through to slightly awkwardly listening to a neighbour she only knows for a brief chat unexpectedly sobbing.

Dita73 · 09/05/2023 22:34

So your partner who you’ve been with for four years and never cries,is standing on the front lawn with the next door neighbour bawling his eyes out and you don’t run out there and ask what the hell is going on?!! Really?

Wanttomove3000 · 09/05/2023 22:35

Mikimoto · 09/05/2023 19:19

Perhaps he suddenly realised that you all live somewhere like Leeds or Sheffield, so burst into tears?

Sorry but this is the best post on the whole thread 😂

Asuitcase · 09/05/2023 22:36

Affair of the heart sounds most probable, but who's ?

Maybe the neighbour has told him that you're having an affair op.

Blinky21 · 09/05/2023 22:37

Could he be depressed and has been hiding it?

AllHopeandRainbows · 09/05/2023 22:39

MysteryBelle · 09/05/2023 16:44

Read your updates.

Adding up the clues you’ve given us so far, it looks like he may be in love. Desperately and miserably. More in love with her than she is with him.

  1. Neighbor talked to you at first but then only talked to your dp. Polite hello to you then disappear but talked to dp regularly.
  1. Dp suddenly decides lawn must be cut, in the rain, right now, must be done. He meets with neighbor at fence for 30 minutes, no mowing.
  1. He is sloppy crying and distraught. Neighbor calm. Possibility: he is upset begging her to not to end it. She says it’s over.
  1. He can’t keep standing there crying and he can’t come into the house to cry because you’re there. He slips in, gets key, sits in car to compose himself.
  1. He told you he was going to cut the grass so now he has to or else explain, so he cuts the grass in the rain.
  1. Denies crying, is belligerent with you, tells you to leave him alone, you’re watching his every move etc etc etc. Won’t explain, sulks, lectures you.
  1. He can’t sleep. Wakes early and sits downstairs in the dark for an hour before work.

Someone in love will do all manner of strange and inexplicable things, just like your dp. Yes, cry when he’s never cried before. These things taken together indicate he may in love and miserably so.

As an aside…he refuses to speak with you on the phone but speaks to everyone else on the phone. He doesn’t hate speaking on the phone, op. He hates speaking on the phone with you.

Neighbor is slightly older than him. You’ve been with dp for four years. She’s been your neighbor for 18 months-2 years.

It kind of all adds up.

“Nothing makes this man cry. Nothing.”

Well, something did. After meeting neighbor at fence for 30 minutes when he had told you the lawn absolutely had to get cut right now in the rain.

Unfortunately this sounds so so plausible 😩
regardless of any of it though, from what I’ve read OP he doesn’t seem to treat you all that well…

Beaverbridge · 09/05/2023 22:41

Very strange, hope you get to the bottom of it. He might just have been having "a moment" and neighbour happened to appear. Could he have been embarrassed at being seen crying?.

Takenoprisoner · 09/05/2023 22:59

I would not accept him freezing me out like that. The being moody and grumpy is also unacceptable.
I don't understand why you've accepted him never speaking to you on the phone when he is fine speaking to others on the phone? That surely should have been a red flag early on of someone who will not compromise in a relationship?

Stinkymalinkyfromdownthelane · 09/05/2023 23:00

.

Delatron · 09/05/2023 23:00

I’ve just reread the OP.

They’ve never once spoken on the phone in all the time they’ve been together as he hates speaking on the phone (apart from to other people) which translates to her never calling him as she knows he won’t answer a call from her! How bizarre. How would this even work in a relationship? Doesn’t it piss you off/ make you question why?

How convenient for him to know that his partner will never call him…or expect him to answer if she does.

Backtoblack1 · 09/05/2023 23:03

This is all very odd and the fact you never speak on the phone? What’s that all about?

Liamgallaghersparka · 09/05/2023 23:10

Cookiecuttercatastrophe · 09/05/2023 15:32

Is it possible he is struggling a bit and not wanting to let you know and went off to the garden to have a quiet cry. He may just not want to talk about it. Maybe the neighbour asked him if he is alright and that set him off or maybe she saw him cry and asked him if he was OK. I'm sure there's an innocent explanation. If he was having an affair, I don't reckon he'd get annoyed with you - he'd be more likely to brush it off and be all falsly cheerful. I reckon he just wanted to be left alone and got a bit antsy. Some men do prefer to retreat when they are finding things difficult and being unhappy can make them snappy. Hopefully he'll be OK in a couple of days. Try not to jump to conclusions would be my advice.

I was also thinking affair until I read this.
It makes sense if he's not one for usually showing his emotions, he'd maybe use an excuse so you wouldn't see him upset, neighbour comes out and asks what's up and maybe he took off afterwards as he was embarrassed 🤷‍♀️

Blondeshavemorefun · 09/05/2023 23:11

I'm Hoping it's not an affair

You will only know if uou ask him face to face and watch his reaction.

Sorry you are going through this

Wanttomove3000 · 09/05/2023 23:12

So what do you do if he’s in Sainsbury’s and you suddenly remember you need butter/waffles/crisps? Text him and hope he checks his phone before he leaves? No phonecalls seems bonkers. My husband hates phonecalls but I’m one of the few he’s OK with calling! Everyone else I have to convince him to pick up the phone to…..

echt · 09/05/2023 23:31

I couldn’t call as he absolutely hates phone calls and we’ve never once spoken on the phone in all our time together

He is always on his phone when he’s home- always

This is what I picked up on. Assuming both are true, the DP is very dodgy indeed. The very idea that the DP forbids calls, at least from the OP is beyond weird. I also don't get why the OP hasn't called him on the contradiction between the two.

I imagine he's been very much in control of what goes in the relationship with the OP, something has blown up and he's trying to lie his way out of it.
Whatever is going on, there is something very much not OK in a fundamental way about the relationship that the phone call business exemplifies.

Humanbiology · 09/05/2023 23:35

I hope you are okay take care of yourself and your beautiful children.

Codlingmoths · 09/05/2023 23:47

It doesn’t sound like a good relationship for you anyway. In a healthy relationship, you’d get something like this
Dp don’t call me I hate talking on the phone I won’t answer
op: you speak to lots of people on the phone all the time
dp but I hate. And I won’t pick up when you call
op: if you can speak to other people you can speak to me. I won’t be the only person you don’t make an effort for. If I am , this isn’t a relationship
dp: fair point. Ok how about you only call if it’s time critical and I will pick up.
op: and if there’s something useful for me to know quickly you will also call me. I also won’t be the only person you won’t call on the phone.
dp ok
instead you have this life where you get the least of him compared to other people. It sounds like all his fun time is elsewhere and you can’t get much as someone has to parent your children and you can’t book things easily wiht a man who gets angry when asked when he will be back!! I think no matter what happens here, you should look in the mirror and say I’m worth a decent caring relationship where we are both important.

Cabella · 09/05/2023 23:50

What @Delatron said. I thought he could be a gambling addict and bad news set him off, an affair or even blackmail.

I was told of a similar scene some years ago, female neighbour cuddling a toddler, talking with male neighbour over a garden fence. The woman's husband comes back from work, parks the car in the drive, and goes over to join the conversation. The woman says to the child " Oh Daddy's back, give your Dad a kiss", and the toddler leaned over the fence and kissed the next door neighbour!

LittleDitto · 09/05/2023 23:54

You’ve mentioned both of your kids one who is autistic and the other who is disabled. This must be unimaginably tough for you? Perhaps your DH is finding things a bit tough with that just now. You say your DS1 referred to him as “Dave” so I’m assuming he’s not their dad and is a newer relationship? Maybe he doesn’t feel he can say how he’s feeling to you because you’re their mum and you have an exceptionally difficult time looking after them?

LiveAHappyLifeBePositive · 10/05/2023 00:00

Could dp have had a thing with your neighbour and he got upset as she called it off.

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