What could neighbour have said to make DP cry?

[WhatTheHeal]

DP decided to go out and cut the front lawn yesterday, bit odd as it was raining and he hasn’t done it previously as it was raining but he insisted it needed doing, so he went to do it. After about half an hour DS1 went to get a drink in the kitchen and came back and said “Dave is crying in the garden”, I asked if he was sure and he said “yeah, he’s talking to Jill and he looks really upset and he’s crying. Maybe he hurt himself?” DS is autistic and is known to misread emotions etc so I thought he was wrong, but decided to go and check. I looked out the window and DS was right, DP was visibly upset and crying standing on the uncut lawn, talking to the neighbour. She did not seem worried and was still on her side of the fence. I went to let DS1 know I was popping outside to check on him (DS1 was worried and questioning me on why his step dad was so upset, and also DS2 is disabled and can’t be left alone) and we heard the front door open, then close again. I went outside and DP wasn’t there, neighbour was now on the phone so I couldn’t ask her what was up. When I came back inside I realised DP had taken his car key which was by the front door. He absolutely didn’t have that with him when he was going out to mow the lawn as he’s lost keys before and now keeps all keys separate and only takes the ones he needs with him. His car is always parked at the back of the house so I couldn’t go and check as I can’t leave DS1 and DS2 alone for that long so instead I just sent a text to DP “everything okay?”, he didn’t answer. I couldn’t call as he absolutely hates phone calls and we’ve never once spoken on the phone in all our time together, so I knew he wouldn’t answer anyway. About 15 minutes later we hear the mower out the front so I went out to see but DP just kept mowing, he had clearly been crying and still looked very upset. I waited for him to be finished and come back inside and asked him what was up and he said there was nothing wrong and acted completely confused at why I was asking, so I told him I’d seen him crying in the garden, seen him talking to the neighbour then take his car key, I said there was clearly something going on. Again he denied it, said he had been mowing the whole time (over an hour by this point, it’s a very small lawn and he definitely hadn’t even started when I went outside to look for him), didn’t have his car key, didn’t know where it was. He denied being upset or crying, but said he did say a quick hello to the neighbour.

He wasn’t himself for the rest of the day, moody and very short with me. I checked again before bed that he was okay and he said he was just annoyed at having to account for everything he does/every minute of his time and I had annoyed him when he came in from doing the garden. He said I made him feel like he took me too long doing a job which needed doing and told me to leave him alone and went to sleep, he was off with me this morning too and left for work without saying goodbye. He never does this even after an argument. I know he didn’t sleep well and was very restless, he also got up an hour before his alarm and went and sat downstairs. I didn’t bother following him as I knew he would just get more annoyed.

DP never cries, btw. Not ever. He’s very emotionally closed off and never shows emotion in front of anyone, including me. So this is very strange behaviour.

Do I leave it, or ask again?
Should I speak to the neighbour and ask her?

And what could she possibly have said/done to make him cry and upset him for the rest of the day? I know no one can answer this but I’ve gone through so many possibilities in my head and none make any sense.

Of course you have the right to keep secrets in a marriage.

You do not have to tell your partner every little detail about yourself.

That is how people end up in controlling relationships because they believe they have to share absolutely everything with their partner.

It is completely up to him whether he shares this or not.
It would be nice if he did to put OPs mind at rest but he doesn’t have to.

And if it was anything like an affair of anything then he’s not going to be honest anyway so I’d rather he kept it to himself than lie.

So if he is broken hearted - soon he will be saying he wants to move house?!
Is it your house?

You would rather keep it to himself that he was having an affair?

People can keep secrets all they want but that just means they are in a shit relationship.

This all makes sense if you can hark back to the days of your youth, young and in love, the drama of being in love, breaking up, he’s in early 40s and he’s in love for the first time maybe

That last part really was unnecessary. The OP will be feeling rubbish anyway, reading these replies.

You didn't need to stick that particular boot in.

There's obviously something seriously wrong in your relationship that he can talk to her but not you? Perhaps they are having an affair.

He doesn’t hate speaking on the phone, op. He hates speaking on the phone with you

Yep, he's made sure you never phone him and catch him anywhere he shouldn't be.

Seriously, is this how some people live? or are you just being goady because anyone with this mentality must be very sad and lonely.

I think he got some bad news on his phone - had to get out of the house so made up the mowing excuse. Neighbour is out and he starts chatting but gets upset again about whatever it was.

Still upset decides to sit in the car and cry it out.

I don't think it's an affair with the neighbour although I'm unclear as to why the neighbour was out in the rain, why she was then on her phone and why she didn't just go back inside her house to make a call when he left rather than stay outside. Maybe she was going to do something outside and pretended to be on the phone not to have to speak to the OP given what her DP had told her.

It sounds to me as if he made a desp[erate excuse (mowing grass) to go out in the rain specifically to talk to her out of earshot of both households. Then he lied about hit and gaslit you.

I'd seek some explanation from the neighbour, but obliquely.

"that was quite a scene with DH yesterday. What now/ where do we go from here? "

I didn’t mean to sound like I sympathized with him, I am on op’s side 100%. Just how people do very weird things when they think they’re “in love.”

She found my earlier post helpful. But yes, you’re right, I need to be aware of how op’s feeling, it is awful to be in a situation like this. Op, we are all with you!

People are jumping to bizaare conclusions... my assumption would be she DIDN'T 'make' him cry at all, its likely nothing to do with her at all.

People often cry at random times, if they can't get to somewhere alone then often around strangers rather than companions. Like when people cry on the train, its not for attention but usually the opposit (they can't hold it in but waited as long as the could to be away from friends/family/co-workers/partner etc...)

Men are taught by society to hide emotions especially around their family where they feel they have to be 'strong'.

Going behind his back, accusing him of having an affair, interrogating him etc... are NOT going to help at all, you'll just push him further away.

A shit relationship is having to tell your partner your every feeling and every tiny detail about yourself.

Surely you should be in a relationship where you trust the other person enough so that they don’t need to tell you absolutely everything.

If you’re in a relationship with no trust then that’s the definition of a shit relationship.

And no I’d want to know if he’s having an affair but it’s extremely unlikely he would admit to that and instead make up a lie to cover it, which I’d rather he kept to himself.

If he says now that he was crying because he was in pain or tired then I doubt OP is going to believe him anyway.

I wouldn’t feel relieved that he told me he wasn’t having an affair if it was a lie.
I’d rather have the truth, regardless of what it was.

Of course he doesn’t HAVE to tell her but it’s worrying that he doesn’t WANT to tell her.

Possible but why not step back into the house since it’s raining? And avoid op at the same time? Why would she be at the fence in the rain, doing what? Why go out in the rain anyway and then to chat with a neighbor for 30 minutes. How convenient they both go out at the same time in the rain. Makes no sense. Unless.

She met op’s dp at the fence in the rain, after dp suddenly said he had to cut the grass, for 30 minutes they talked and he was crying and very upset, and no mowing.

The only reason for both neighbor and dp suddenly meet at the fence for 30 minutes in the rain is because something has very recently happened. Like her breaking off affair and he pleads to see her. This is like a classic script, it fits all the criteria. She repeats that it is over, he is upset, he’s been out there a long time and doesn’t want to arouse even more suspicion, so he gets the key and into the car to compose himself and continue conversation on the phone. That explains why she’s still outside in the rain yet on the phone and he’s not there, he’s in the car on the phone, they may be even still in sight of each other.

Men are like jelly when they are in this frame of mind. Women are too, but in this case, he is the one who is at the disadvantage. It explains his terrible attitude toward op, it explains all the seemingly disjointed and strange actions of both people at the fence and their history of behavior toward op and each other.

The strange distraught crying, in the rain, with woman at fence, is the tell.

@WhatTheHeal It may not be an affair but it sounds like he has plenty of opportunities to have one. I would ask him again, say both you and your son saw him crying. Tell him it’s been worrying you ever since. It’s his reaction after it that rings alarm bells for me. I get the vibe the neighbour has seen him up to no good. I can’t see her ending an affair over the fence. But I can see her popping her head over and saying “you need to tell her or I will” and then him getting upset, then frustrated and needing to go to the car to compose himself. Then getting angry at you for spotting it as he’s unable to explain it.

Wow, so many people jumping to conclusions about an affair based on so little information.

If they are both from the area and only a few years apart in age it’s quite likely they have some people in common. Perhaps siblings of the same age or family members who worked together.

On that basis she might have reminded him of a painful period of his life.

Lets say just as an example :

Dave, I’ve just realised you went to school with my brother Jon didn’t you?

oh yes, I did, how’s he doing?

Unfortunately he died a while ago, victim of x/y/z.

or

Dave, I was chatting with my sister the other day and she mentioned you. I’d forgotten she went to college with you.

Oh yes?

Yeah, she wasn’t very happy actually. You dumped her mate, Sally really badly and she started self harming.

cue Dave getting upset.

I personally think something along these lines is more likely and shame is keeping him silent. Give him some space. Don’t pester but send him a text telling him you’re here to talk if he needs you.

Thats unless there’s a massive back story and he’s a knob.

The only time I’ve seen DH cry it’s been to do with me and he’s a grumpy bloke he doesn’t talk about his feelings, never seen him cry at the funeral of people he really loved either.Honestly I’d assume an affair and she’s dumped him.

I understand your concern but he clearly isn’t a person who is emotionally open. However, the gaslighting I would have no time for.

This. Its a very odd phenomenon but generally speaking this is true and noone knows why. The wisdom of crowds has been proven time and time again.

Unfortunately he died a while ago, victim of x/y/z.

Nah. A man who doesnt cry to his own partner and literally nothing moves him to tears would cry about a random bloke he was at school with and hasnt seen for years and years? not buying it.

Two options:
she called off their affair
she saw him doing something like it and and it sounds like the “either you tell her or I will” which I find unlikely since people usually mind their own business regarding their neighbours problems.

Why can't he explain to OP if it's just some piece of info about a stranger.

I'm so sorry but I honestly think this is an affair and she has ended it.

1. Him mowing the lawn in the rain was because he needed an excuse to be in the garden to talk to her.

2. They both so happen to be in the garden, at the same time, in the rain. How did that happen, pre arranged by text and he used mowing the lawn as an excuse to get into garden.

1. He's crying, she's not. Therefore he is the one upset, not her. For someone who never cries, he must be very comfortable & very upset to cry around the neighbour.

4 He sneaked in, went away and then lied when he got back. This is the most telling part of all. He has lied. Full stop. Therefore whatever it is, he does not want you to know about. So it can't be a dead animal, dead family member because why would he lie. Whatever it is, it is a secret that you aren't meant to know about. BTW what he did is called gaslighting. 4 Off with you last night & today, didn't sleep properly, up early this morning - all points to broken heart.

I'm really sorry.

If it was me I would quite simply say to him, you have about 10 seconds to tell me what's going on before I chap next door.

Don't let him take you for an absolute mug. There is obviously something going on that only him & your neighbour knpw about, something that he doesn't want you to know about hence why he lied. Tell hiim you know he is lying & that you suspect an affair & if he continues to lie then can he shut the door on his way out.

Or perhaps she immediately called him - a 'don't be like that' or 'don't do anything stupid' call because he'd taken off in a state.

I'm afraid I'm thinking an affair too, OP, so sorry. There are too many odd things here that would be explained by an affair and not by anything else much.

I do wonder how much of a loss he is though. You can't step away from your kids for 5 minutes because of their needs, but he's out constantly and when he's in he's on his phone constantly? And refusing to talk to you (and only you) on the phone is very strange and not very nice imo. Like a pp said, he's following the post-affair gaslighting script too. I think there's only so much unpleasantness you should take. I hope you get to the bottom of this soon. It would be messing with my head tbh.