Summer is going to be great for OLDaters and friends

[PinkIdentity]

The Rules:

1.The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@Garysmum its hard isn’t it? I have also had some shit experiences on OLD over the past few months. I’m learning a lot about myself, I know I am far too tolerant and forgiving (and if I’m honest, naive) but I quite like that about myself. I like looking for the best in people. It always shocks me when they show their true colours and I can feel myself become more suspicious and cynical about everyone. I don’t really like it 😢 I am taking a break from the apps as I am currently pining for someone who didn’t treat me well and I need to get over that

@PinkIdentity it's going well thanks, spending lots of time together when possible, it's all very easy going 😊

@Garysmum
so sorry to hear that. There are a lot of emotionally unavailable men, and I also think dating men between 40-50 is so tricky-there's a lot of stuff they go through. The fear of ageing, financial pressure, 'not wanting to settle' etc. All of this is compounded by the apps, and seemingly having other options.

OLD is brutal. Take good care of yourself.

@PinkIdentity i never posted about the iron in question. Everything was so calm and relaxed. No issue that things ended but what was said in three peoples words makes him ‘cruel or unhinged’. I didn’t cry - very much better sooner than later.
I just don’t want to meet anyone else like that.

I’m sorry to hear your news @Garysmum. It hurts to be treated in a way that you wouldn’t treat someone, and no mistake.

Re cynicism. I call it self-protection. OLD taught me to become hardened when it came to men - not difficult actually after my crazy XH! I found a lot were emotionally stunted for one reason or another, a fair number being fantasists who thought they wanted a relationship but were just completely unable to have one either practically or emotionally, so I left them to it. All in all I learnt to look VERY closely at their relationship history for red flags, and developed a mantra (actually in relation to everyone in my life who wasn’t my child or my parent): ‘what’s in it for me?’ To date I think it’s serving me well: I’ve cleared out a few friends and family members on this basis, and I've been in a relationship for a few years now with a man who is emotionally literate, kind, warm and constant even if he has some qualities that I’m not so keen on.

i guess I’ve become selfish. And i don’t think there’s anything wrong with that.

I'm so so sorry that you've had this experience. Felt quite emotional reading this as it's so bruising, and as you say, so hard when on the surface it all seems genuine, no red flags.

It's so, so hard to keep picking yourself up each time. It is indeed so brutal. I'm hiding in my shell away from men and OLD as I just don't think I've got the resilience yet for this and I've run at the rejection of not even being liked by these 40 something damaged men with history and baggage online.

I hope you're ok. You're obviously better off without someone capable of treating someone so poorly. That goes without saying. Just keep telling your heart that and it will catch up with your head.

Love this thread - I'm looking to get back in to OLD after a year off, so loving the advice on here.

I’ve done it! Just downloaded bumble and paid for 1 month premium. I need to write a few lines so could do with some advice on that?

but I’ve had a look and have done swiping already and can see that the calibre is looking so much better than with Match.
hopefully somebody swiped me back and can start a chat 🤞

@5thWisdom @Bowbowbo @Esmejane81 @Myfabby @Mapleunicorn
thank you all for the support. I genuinely thought I was good at spotting those who are emotionally too bruised or unavailable or grass is always greener hip about types. But sometimes it’s too covert and takes weeks to unravel.
There is a fine line between healthy cynicism and discarding anyone too quickly.

So glad you found someone nice after that two time cheater Australian rat! Enjoy everything 😘😘😘

That's so so true - it's a tightrope we walk. But I'm sure it's not you 'attracting' the wrong sort. Unfortunately there is a huge number of messed up men (and women I guess) out there, and all you can do is lick your wounds, don your armour again in time and try again when you're ready!

Garysmum

sorry to hear this . Did he just disappear , or things got wierd and then went quiet
did he say anything nasty ? Had you DTD ?

me and a recent fling have just quietly ghosted each other , on the last desultory chat he shared some challenges he was facing . I didn’t share mine !

i was a bit upset , and I rather rashly deleted him (as is my won’t )

i know why it wasn’t working for me
but I can’t be arsed to tell him why unless he asks ?

I’m feeling calm about the lack of completion

Hope you feel better but I know 2 in a row is a tad bruising x

Bin them off.😂
I might try that line, next time things go awry.
'Hi just messaging to say I'm binning you off'.😂

Anyway, on a general point. I would say people need to talk. Texting can sometimes mean misunderstandings. Pick up the phone and talk. It works wonders for clearing any misinterpretation during social media conversations.
Not answering is a clear signal that either the person is very busy or the relationship has run its course or floundering.

Yep I tried to talk to a guy I was seeing as I felt there was a change in dynamic. My mistake was first texting to see if he was free for me to ring him, which he said he wasn’t and had had a shocker of a day so could we text instead. So we did… and before you knew it we’d broken up! 😔

Quick update.. I told my friend I was meeting an OLD. She knew him (distant relative) has just spoken to a family member and Mr painter-of-walls-not-pictures is 'a slag' and a big drinker. Told me to avoid!
I've cancelled the date, don't want to quit the app just yet but not sure if he can see I'm on there still (is there a block function on Hinge?) Am just glad I didn't swap numbers.

I'm back.. it's been a while. January I think I last posted. I've put dating on the backburner after a messy breakup in November with someone who I met on Match and dated for four months (Mr Fish).

I've been on Match about three years and I've finally let my subscription lapse. It was an expensive waste of time at best! Ironically, a few days before my subscription ended a couple of interesting faces appeared and we exchanged numbers. Was due to meet one tomorrow and he's just cancelled as he's started seeing someone else.

That's it. I'm going to take a break from OLD for a bit. It's not been a positive experience for me tbh. Sorry to sound so negative. I have my kids FT and I'm 50. Time is a premium. I'm fussy. Maybe just too many things stacked against.

Would love to meet someone but just going to have to hope it happens naturally. I've been single - apart from the Fish fling and a few random dates - for the best part of several years 😬

Evening all, was away for a bit,now back!! Did a bit of bumbling, same old. So disheartened. 2 dates with a guy , I'm 52, and then he gets all ridiculous, sexting etc,
I'm so over all that!
So understand where you're coming from 5th,
Just someone to make me z tea and listen.

Instead it relentless full time work, exhausted, looking after teens... ugh.

X week of exercise and detox sounds fabulous!!

@ChaliceinWonderland fully with you. It does feel so disheartening. I'm sure I was in a better place before I started OLD.
On the other hand, it really does seem to work out for some people. Almost everyone I know is in a relationship and they seem to meet people relatively quickly and easily after ending even LTRs. I am missing the secret to success 🙄

Well I’ve mixed up my HRT patches somehow
my poor body’s all confused and I’m bloated

a strange day with both irons reappearing and inviting me over for sexual congress
so blatant too - you almost have to laugh 😂

ChaliceinWonderland 👋

Mumtolittleorange

it’s hard , to say I’ve nurtured my relationships with my single friends would be an understatement . Are there any single mums or divorced mums in your circle you could befriend more ?

A few observations from Bumble.
There are a number of women who seem to have pictures of gormless-looking men in their bios. I know he might be you're bessie (Waiting for you to give him a chance😂) or brother/cousin etc.
But no. Stop it.
Groups, it's fine but make sure it's easy to tell who is who?

Not much going on, a firm date was set for Ms. Iceberg and me, chatting, sexting, sorted a misunderstanding out. Ms. Zoolady's dog has died this week, so that'll be the topic of conversation on the zoo day out.
Due to scheduling with my children, I've always got to wait for ages to meet. It's annoying.

I had a flood of matches on Bumble, but as of yet, no one has messaged.
I saw the ex-neighbor I swiped right on, this week she was sitting in her car outside the local village shop, she waved, and we exchanged pleasantries. Thats it. I was busy so not much time to chat. Not that fussed anyway.

Deleted Tinder, had too many matches, and had half-assed conversations. Chemistry via texting is rare, much like a real-life meeting.
Dating is a loooooong game honestly.

Both irons??? Which ones? Oh my goodness Worsy…

@worsy... have quite a lot of friends, thankfully, but not so many singles or divorced. I just don't feel that I've got the resilience for OLD anymore. There's too much emotional - and financial - cost attached to it for me so it becomes too much of an investment. I just don't want t

Oops pressed send too soon. I was going to say I just don't want to accept that I'm going to remain single for what feels like forever. My ex and I split up ten years ago. It feels such a long time to have navigated life alone, just me and my kids. It makes me sad.