Hello OLDers!
Hope everybody’s having a good weekend. It’s great to catch up on how everything is going for people.
@Garysmum , sorry to hear of your experience. I think I might be going through something similar (although not concluded yet).
After 8 very intense months in which we were leading a “shared life but in two homes” (his words) and I felt cherished and cared for like never before, Mr Kind has suddenly withdrawn emotionally and is picking at things that I say or write in messages, ignoring my broader meaning but criticising my choice of words etc. I have ADHD and he’s previously been hugely supportive but in the last few days has been very critical of my disorganisation, lecturing me on how he plans ahead etc. When I have been upset (for example, when he stayed over and just lay rigid in bed next to me without any of the usual touching or affection) he hasn’t expressed any concern for my feelings. When we talked the following morning he said he was in a state of overwhelm (he calls it “churn”) over lots of things in his life and was unable to articulate them and had to park them until he had the space to think about them. This was on Thursday. Since then we’ve exchanged some messages but just going through the motions really. He popped over last night to meet one of my friends (something long overdue) which I was initially reassured by, but he wasn’t warm towards me, choosing not to sit next to me, and was quite oppositional to the things I said, while being super friendly to my friend.
Previously we have had two or three instances of misunderstandings where he has taken a few days to get back to normal, but with a clear cause. This has come out of nowhere and really thrown me.
When we first met (on tinder, in September) his original intention with OLD was to just have casual dates after a terrible divorce and then a relationship with a woman who treated him badly but we really hit it off and our lives seemed to mesh really well; within a very short time we were spending half the week together and aligning diaries, getting to know each other’s parents, having Sunday evening roasts with both our sets of kids… It all felt very quick which initially concerned me but he has been so steady and reassuring up till now and we have had a wonderful few months.
I am now wondering if he was lovebombing me (unconsciously, if that is possible). He was quite over the top in his enthusiasm for me which was unsettling but then started to feel really nice, to be so appreciated and loved for who I am. This came just a few months after I’d extracted myself from a 4 year relationship with someone who was emotionally and sometimes physically abusive and so it was a wonderful contrast. I’m not an especially put together person but he always raved about what I wore or the things I said or my hair or the fact I didn’t wear makeup etc etc.
Sorry for the very long post but I am feeling so confused and grief stricken at the prospect of this being over. He may just need time to get over his feeling of reaching his limit (lots of pressure on him from various sources) but it’s the way he seems to have turned on me that is so unexpected. I feel very shaken by his lack of kindness or empathy, but also aware that he is obviously not doing well in himself for some reason and that maybe I ought to be responding to that fact with more care/concern rather than be upset at its impact on me. I am normally quite insecure but over the course of the relationship have managed to quell those worries due to his reassurance (and also because he was quite intolerant of my doubts, feeling that they undermined the relationship and all the evidence through his actions and words of how much he cared for me) but all the insecurity has flooded back. He can also be quite contemptuous of people (he is very critical of his father and has a difficult relationship with him) and I feel that for the first time I am at the receiving end of that.
Not sure what my intention is in sharing all this but it’s very helpful to externalise it. Thanks for being such a helpful and emotionally intelligent bunch of people - I learn so much from reading your posts. ❤️